Embrace the Silence
by TISL
Summary: Silence is the voice of time, it speaks to you in a language without words. You must listen in order to hear it. You must watch in order to see it. You must be still in order to feel it. And then you must understand it if you wish to embrace it. SessxKag
1. Sleeping Beauty Is Not Just a Fairy Tale

*****NOTE: _It has come to my attention that people are having trouble loading chapters. This is not my doing, it is this website being buggy. I contacted support and got no answer. If you run into an error message, please try to refresh the page until it loads the chapter. So far I've gotten six PM's about chapters not showing up. I'm aware of this issue and there is nothing I can do. I apologize that this site is interfering with your reading experience! If the issues continue, go to my profile and click on the homepage link and you'll find this fic on my Dokuga profile._*****

All-over warnings: Alternate universe, sexual content, violence, nudity, medical gore, adult language and adult situations.

This story features medical jargon and slang that can be as weird as Star Trek terminology to a lay-person, and explaining them in-story would break the flow, so a small glossary of the ones that don't explain themselves will be presented at the bottom of the chapter where they first appear.

Enjoy the ride, my friends!

o0o

**Embrace the Silence**

Chapter 1  
Sleeping Beauty Isn't Just a Fairy Tale

o0o

"Nurse Higurashi!" A distant voice called out, "Code brown in Ken's room...I ain't doing cleanup this time!"

"Great," Kagome groaned to herself at the smell of feces wafting into the hall.

She barely heard herself sigh over the everyday din in the carpeted halls surrounding her. The walls were painted in a lovely pastel floral design, just like her scrubs, but somehow it didn't detract from the medical feel of the corridor. It was still a nursing home. One built to deal with people of all ages - mostly those who had severe mental or physical disabilities that made it impossible for them to remain in their homes.

The easiest people to take care of were the comatose patients. Either from brain injuries that left them in a persistent vegetative state or from drugs for end-stage diseases, they didn't scream or fight their treatments. An injection here, a diaper change there, the occasional baths every other day and they were good to go. The ones that lived and awoke often turned out to be fascinating people.

And there was Kenpachiro Takashi, Ken for short, a severely retarded teenager who often failed to tell anybody when he needed the bathroom. Kagome _hated_ dealing with the smelly, beady-eyed young man's problems. He drooled, he stared at people and he his idea of conversation was to grunt a few words and pull on your clothes. His parents basically dumped him in the place because they got tired of dealing with him at home.

Kagome didn't hate Ken personally. She knew he couldn't help being the way he was. And he could be a complete darling who loved to give bear hugs, blow bubbles and stack his plastic blocks until they tumbled to the floor.

"Keeeeeennnnnnn," Kagome poked her head into the stinking room.

There sat Ken on the floor, all curled up in a ball with both hands on the waistband of his pants. He met Kagome's eyes in a way that reminded her of a naughty puppy caught in the act of piddling on a new rug. Kagome noticed with dismay that he'd smeared some of his mess on his shirt and in his endearingly sloppy mop of black hair.

Her eyes softened at his expression. "Aw, did your doodie get away again?"

Ken nodded once and sniffed. "Stink."

"Yes, I know it's stinky. But..." She slid her latex gloves on, sighed mentally and walked towards him, lightening her tone, "if you're real good for clean-up, I'll make sure you get a lemon popsicle after lunch."

"Popsy!" Ken's eyes immediately lit up. Lemon popsicles were his favorite! Promising him one almost always resulted in his complete cooperation for just about any procedure...or provided a good distraction when he became really difficult.

Kagome grinned and helped him up. She slid his pants down to examine the damage, wincing as the smell increased tenfold. _Well, at least he didn't have diarrhea this time_.

"Step-step." She instructed him to step out of his pants, which he did beautifully.

Ken proceeded to sit down and mop the floor with his dirty rear end. Kagome groaned at the new brown streak on the white carpet and hit the call button.

"Yeah?" It was Akemi Ju, a new nursing assistant whose hair color varied more than the weather. She stuck her head into the room when nobody acknowledged her presence right away, "Aw, did he make another mess?"

"Mmhmm." A sigh passed Kagome's lips, "I need a cleanup, stat. Can you take Ken to the showers? I way behind and I still have rounds and scut work to do and I don't have time to wash him up."

"You got it." Akemi bent over to smile at Ken, who shied away from her, "Hi, Ken!"

The teenager eyed her. "Popsy?"

Kagome slipped out into the hall, glad to be away from the smell and Akemi. She barely covered a smirk at Akemi's shriek when Ken, still covered in his mess, decided he wanted a bear hug.

o0o

Rounds were done at last.

Kagome sank to sit in the cafeteria and stared dejectedly at her bowl of rice and steaming cup of tea. Two of the comatose patients she was in charge of decided to crash and die within an hour of each other. No time for goodbyes. One was terminally ill and death was sudden, but expected. The other suffered a stroke after an undetected blood clot from emergency open-heart surgery migrated to her brain. No warning at all. Both were still young and had once been strong, active people.

Today felt more like an ER shift than a nursing home.

She let out another sigh, chewed some tasteless rice and flipped through the brand new chart she found in her tray.

"Name, 'Dorimingu Tenshi', real name unknown. Sex, male. Age, appears nineteen. Height, five foot, ten inches. Weight, one hundred and forty pounds. Hm...he's a tad on the thin side."

Her dark eyes squinted at the text. "Presents with a coma of unknown origin and no sign of brain trauma or drug use. Found in a construction dig...huh, weird. Transported to the home after the original caregiver, Tetsura Kurosawa, became too ill to continue his care."

Underneath the page were photographs of a horribly emaciated figure lying in an intensive care unit. He was bald and looked utterly fragile. Features were hard to determine with the poor quality of the photos.

"Ah, I see you got Dori, the latest gork." A light female voice cut in, "Ick, those are the crappy pictures. His notebooks have better, more recent ones. Trust me, he doesn't look like that anymore."

"Mm." Lifting her paper cup, Kagome allowed herself a long sip to wash the rice down her throat. She glanced over at the young nurse piling sukiyaki onto her tray and waved, "Hi, Hana."

Hana's long braid swung as she perched herself across from Kagome. Hana Hoji, a tiny, plain woman with pale skin and narrow eyes set behind fashionable wire-rimmed glasses, was Kagome's age, but four years Kagome's senior in the nursing department. "Have you seen Dori?"

"Not yet." said Kagome, taking another mouthful of rice.

"Too bad. He is P-H-A-T...there should be a law against men that gorgeous being allowed in this place." Hana shoved a chunk of fish into her mouth.

"Oh, even better-looking than doctor Yakamoto?"

"Hell yes!" Hana swallowed and licked her lips. "It's such a shame for him. He barely needs any maintenance. Just feed him, water him and bathe him. They've got him cathed so there's no diaper messes and his bowel movements are so small they're practically nonexistent. It's weird, nobody knows what exactly is wrong with him other than he's been unconscious for the past couple decades or so. There's a rumor he was wearing fur when he was found. Must've been a rich nut who got robbed and left for dead." She finished her salad, "Good eye-candy, though."

_Fur?_ Images of a tall figure flashed across Kagome's mind, quickly shaken off. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "A pretty face doesn't matter if you're practically brain dead."

"Guess you're right. But you get to do his exam, I'm so jealous! So make sure to tell me all about - " the sound of a beeper cut Hana off. She checked it. "Damn, Miki's getting tachy again. I gotta go."

"Later, Hana."

Hana said, "Yeah, but I'll bet five hundred yen he's cut with DPS."

"You're on."

As Hana rushed out, Kagome realized she'd lost her appetite. She stood up to toss her food in the garbage, picked up her chart and headed out to examine her newest patient.

Akemi passed her on the way, her (at the moment) blonde hair in utter disarray and her flower-printed scrubs shirt smeared with multicolored puke. She shot Kagome a poisonous glare, pushing past her to reach the restroom. Again, Kagome caught herself smirking.

_She must've met Vomiting Vicki_.

Ah, Victoria "Vicki" Honda, a.k.a. "Vomiting Vicki" or "Icky Vicki", a middle-aged woman with cerebral palsy who painted gorgeous art by attaching a paintbrush to her headstick. Her regurgitation talents were known throughout the home. If she didn't like how someone picked her up, she let them know by throwing up all over them. You could always tell a nurse was new by observing the puke on the shirt of their uniforms.

Kagome opened the door to room ten and stepped inside, flipping on the light to give the chart another once-over. Finally she walked over to examine the figure stretched out on the mattress.

The man lying supine in bed had flowing silver hair that shone in the vertical lines of light coming through the blinds. Someone recently styled it into a graceful topknot braid, which was coiled on the pillow next to his head. His parted bangs were too long and needed a trim soon. Dark eyelashes formed fringes on his cheeks and his small lips were a delicate shade of pink. A dimpled scar just below his Adam's apple indicated a past tracheostomy. Kagome moved closer, trying not to gasp when she noticed he had pointed ears.

_It can't be_... Kagome bent closer to discover the powdery scent of foundation. His complexion looked completely matte, unnatural. She snagged a washrag from above the sink, wet it and wiped vigorously at the man's forehead. The cheap foundation rubbed right off. _Please, just let it be makeup applied to protect him from sunburn_.

A blue-violet crescent moon appeared. Kagome swept the rag down his cheeks and uncovered twin purple stripes on each side. She finished by wiping off his eyelids, bringing out the red coloring just above his long eyelashes.

_Damn_.

Sesshoumaru's familiar, angelic face came fully into view. He looked exactly like Kagome remembered him. Calm, composed, unfeeling, the only difference being his eyes were closed.

Reality sank in.

She gawked, slack-jawed. _It really is Sesshoumaru! But how the hell did he survive like this and not age a second? How long has he really been unconscious? Judging by how horribly thin he was when that woman found him, his body must've been digesting itself to stay alive_.

Too much to ponder at once. The whole thing felt like a weird dream.

_Mm, he certainly isn't gonna examine himself...okay Kagome, toughen up, he's been in a coma for a long time...he's not going to just wake up because you touched him. The sooner you examine him, the sooner you can get away from him_.

The first thing Kagome did was to pull out her penlight. She lifted Sesshoumaru's eyelids, but gasped and dropped them. His pupils were so blown that his eyes looked black. Kagome swallowed hard and re-lifted his lids to shine the light on his eyeballs. No pupillary responses at all, not even a flicker. He had neon blue eyeshine.

_So far, no reflexes_, she noted to herself. Tapping his knees and elbows produced nothing. She held his eyes open and turned his head from side to side. His eyes didn't stay fixed on an invisible point in space, so he lacked an oculocephalic reflex. A swab at the back of his throat produced no gagging. _Wow...he's REALLY out of it_.

Kagome moved the blanket off Sesshoumaru's left side first, since it was closest. He wore compression stockings on his legs and his wrists and ankles were secured in plastic braces to keep them from deforming. A check on his hands showed his nails were in perfect condition, the stripes around his wrists unchanged. He had a glowing red pulse cuff taped to his thumb. The wire running from the cuff connected to a pulse monitor with a red line that bounced up and down - beside the line was a number measuring pulse beats per minute and his oxygen saturation.

She unclasped the plastic splints bracing his hands and feet and lifted his left arm first, bent his elbow and rotated his wrist before repeating it on his right. Same went for his knees and ankles. With manipulation, his joints moved smoothly, but his fingers and toes were stiff. Clearly his previous caregiver gave him therapy to keep him limber.

Turning to her chart, she lifted his legs again and squeezed his calf muscles. Her fingers dented his pajama pants when she probed around for signs of atrophy. All clear so far. _Well, if he laid there for a few centuries, I think a DVT would've killed him already, so that rules that out_.

"Hmm." Kagome untied Sesshoumaru's white yukata and spread it open to expose his upper body. Milky skin greeted her. He looked thin for his height and his muscles lacked definition, but he was in remarkable shape for someone in his condition. Her cheeks flushed as she reached for the stethoscope draped around her neck. Tucking the earpieces into her ears, she touched the metal disk to various areas on his chest. Nice, clear lungs. No fluid in the wrong places. Finally she laid the chest piece over his breastbone, ears straining to hear his slow heartbeat.

Lubksshdub. Long pause. Lubksshdub. Long pause. Lubksshdub.

Sesshoumaru had a heart murmur. Kagome tilted her head and listened closer. There was no mistaking the faint click and swish coming between the first and second beats. She opened her eyes to look over at Sesshoumaru's inert face in disbelief. Part of her always believed he never had a heart, yet the sounds resonating through the stethoscope proved otherwise.

_Huh...it's a grade two systolic murmur. Sounds like a mitral valve prolapse_. She leafed through her chart to find the results of an echocardiogram. Some fumbling ensued because a few papers were out of order.

__

Where did I - aha!

Her eyes beheld two ultrasound images of Sesshoumaru's heart. One with the heart contracted and another showing it relaxed. The strand of chordae tendinea in his left ventricle was too long and didn't pull the mitral valve all the way shut. As a result one of the twin cusps bulged backwards like an open parachute every time his heart relaxed, which permitted a small backwash of blood from the left ventricle into the atrium. _Yup, floppy MV. Interesting...you're just full of surprises aren't you?_

The lines of sunlight coming through the blinds stretched across Sesshoumaru's cheek now, following the two stripes swooping out from in front of his ears. He looked a little strange with his hair all gathered up instead of down behind his neck where it belonged. His braid resembled a silver snake waiting to strike.

On impulse Kagome reached out and lifted the braid up where she could see it, amazed to find his silken tresses could be compacted into such a thin rope that fit in her fist. It had a texture like long fur and felt lighter than human hair. So utterly and completely opposite to Inuyasha's thick, very human-feeling locks.

_Well, this Tetsura lady must've taken good care of him to keep his hair looking this nice for so long. She even named him 'dreaming angel'_. She smirked wryly, _oddly, that name fits him right now, but I doubt he's dreaming or thinking...the engine's running and nobody's behind the wheel_.

Two good mental slaps got Kagome back on task. Grasping Sesshoumaru's shoulder, she pushed him up a bit to prod his back. His skin felt oddly rough. She rolled him fully onto his side, pulled his yukata down and gasped. Sesshoumaru's entire back was covered in old, angry-looking scars. Scars on top of scars criss-crossed all over his flawless skin like a road map. The only way he could have received such horrible wounds was if someone tied him down and lashed him repeatedly with a whip.

__

Oh God...what happened to him?

She choked back a sob and did what she intended to - listen to heart and lungs from behind. No fluids in the wrong areas. Her hands shook when she returned him to his back. Part of her expected to find his face drawn up in pain at having his scars prodded. His expression remained unchanged.

Kagome continued her examination, blushing furiously when she had to undo the first set of ties holding the waistband of his pants up. She folded the material back far enough that she could see his abs. His abdominals, along with his other muscles, lacked definition from disuse. He had not a single hair on his chest, armpits, arms or legs, but his pubic area was...she'd describe it as fluffy. The fine silver hairs grew in a thin line from his belly button down where they most likely splayed out around his manhood like a cloud. Its lack of curl made it seem more like a tuft of fur than body hair.

_God, Hana was right, there should be a law against men that gorgeous being put here_.

Sesshoumaru was probably in shape like Inuyasha once upon a time. Then again Kagome had always seen him covered from his neck down in heavy silk and armor, neither of which offered a clue to the physique hidden underneath.

Her hands were shaking when she placed her fingertips just above his fuzzy fringe to check for signs of a distended bladder or bowel impactions. The demon lord's abdomen was relaxed and had just the proper give to indicate perfect health. A mushy hardness under his abdominal muscles told her he'd probably pass solid waste in the next day or so. She pressed a hand to his middle left quadrant and lifted the corresponding leg, checking his kidney. The procedure was repeated on the other side. _Kidneys are the right size, good_. Tapping his upper quadrants produced the sounds of a healthy liver. Her fingers moved to the plastic G-tube button protruding from his stomach, checking for signs of infection. None. All seemed well so far.

Beads of sweat formed on Kagome's brow. She purposely saved the next examination for last, but couldn't put it off any more. _Okay, grow up, Kagome, you've seen a million of these things. Every man has one_.

The next ties came undone and the pajama pants went down more, exposing Sesshoumaru completely. His fluff covered his private parts like a little curtain. Kagome moved the hair aside and stared at the limp thing between his legs. A catheter tube protruded out the end, pulling it to the side a little. He was uncircumcised and showed no signs of retraction from the Foley at all.

_Hah, easiest money I ever made_.

A giggle almost worked its way up her throat. _Funny, his looks so small. He must be a grower instead of a shower, and his pubic hair is so...so...FLUFFY_... She gritted her teeth. _SHUT UP! Don't get immature now. He's a man, he has a penis and you have to examine it. Oh, God...I really have to touch him there. This isn't happening...this isn't happening!_

Handling the private parts of someone who tried to kill her countless times was NOT something Kagome felt comfortable doing. No fire could burn hotter than the one behind her face as she reached down to pick it up. He was warm in her hand and had good coloring. She kept the exam as brief as possible, retracting his foreskin to check the glans for signs of redness or discharge. No pungent odors. No swelling. She squeezed gently down the length of his shaft and found no kinks inside his urethra. A careful tug proved the balloon holding the tube in place was still inflated. She probed the underside for ulcers, lumps and swelling, but found none.

Throughout the procedure he remained limp as a noodle. It made handling him a lot easier than she first thought.

_So far so good. Almost done, almost done_. Chanting 'almost done' helped Kagome continue her task. She retracted Sesshoumaru's foreskin one more time and used a Q-tip to apply ointment around the opening where the catheter entered, then let the skin fall back into place. Her face blanched when she remembered she had to do this to him twice a day.

_Just don't start peeing in that tube until I take my hands away_. Kagome closed her eyes and put Sesshoumaru's male organ back the way she found it. She tried not to think about the fact that Sesshoumaru was NAKED in front of her and she just felt up his penis. _At least he didn't get an erection_.

Kagome tied Sesshoumaru's leggings back together, changed her gloves and moved on to hook his feeding tube up to the bag of formula hanging from the IV rack. The white fluid oozed down and around, disappearing into the G-tube button. She caught herself wondering how so much went in and almost none came back out. Didn't demons go to the bathroom?

_Inuyasha did...sometimes with disgusting frequency_, she mused. _It was particularly gross when I realized he had a fricken tapeworm. God, I hated that, but it was his own fault for eating that undercooked meat _-

A crash of equipment in the hall snapped Kagome back to the present. She forced herself back on task and set the head of the bed at a slight angle so Sesshoumaru wouldn't regurgitate his 'food'.

_His body probably uses up every drop of nutrition so there's almost no waste left over, judging by how he must've looked when he was first discovered_.

There was a little swish and Kagome looked down. _Okay, so he pees_. She bent to measure how much he voided, recorded the amount on the chart and emptied the bag in another container, which she dumped in the toilet. Kagome's mind shuddered at the thought of Sesshoumaru being discovered dirty and smelling like his own urine. Even if he was a jerk, he was still extremely dignified. He would've been utterly mortified to be found in such a state.

_Relax, his kidneys were probably shut down when someone found him. If he did go on himself before then, it would've been dry for quite awhile_.

Again she struggled to think of something else. It was easier to perform her duties if she pretended she didn't know him.

Sesshoumaru never responded throughout his treatment. He had no reflexes, no sign of any higher brain functions, nothing. His chart noted untreatable bradycardia and hypotension that failed to respond to any medications. But his pulse-ox was good, so nobody seemed panicked about his low blood pressure or slow pulse. He took very long, silent breaths, fifteen per minute at regular intervals.

_I'd almost speculate that demons must have strong hearts that easily pump massive volumes of blood per beat, but he'd have a high systolic pressure if that were true, and he doesn't. Hell, I don't know what to make of this!_

Another frustrated sigh filtered through Kagome's parted lips. Her vision blurred a little at the memories flooding back. It was the first time years that she'd been slapped with recollections of her adventures in the past. Many years had passed since she witnessed Naraku's death and the completion of the Shikon no Tama, which ripped her back to modern times before she could say goodbye to her friends. She didn't even know what became of them, and in trying to cope she tried to _forget_.

Kagome bit her tongue against a string of mental curses. Why did Sesshoumaru appear as one of her comatose patients? Why not Inuyasha, or even Shippou? Anybody other than Sesshoumaru!

"I don't know if you can hear me, Sesshoumaru," Kagome's hissed through clenched teeth, "but you're an asshole for showing up like this."

She couldn't even feel his aura.

__

God...what happened to him?

Again, she bit her tongue and scrawled her findings on his chart. She fled the room, dumped the chart into her outbox and retreated into the restroom, biting her fist to muffle her sobs.

_They're all dead except for him. I just know it. He's all alone, just like me_.

o0o

A month slipped by.

The home was blasted with a brief surge of patients in need of therapy. Hana and Kagome were so busy they hardly had time to speak to each other. Akemi passed messages back and forth between them whenever she got the chance. Nobody could sit down without seeing another call light flashing on the board.

Dealing with Sesshoumaru soon became routine for Kagome. Her embarrassment at undressing him for a bath and handling him to care for his catheter tube faded until he was just another patient she looked after. It became no problem to hook up his feeding tube at the proper times, swab out his mouth to keep his teeth clean, empty his cath bag, clean up his occasional BM's, turn him in bed or bathe him.

One "genius" nurse got so worried about his meager bowel movements that she ordered an enema to clean him out. It made him go. And go...and go...and go. Two diapers, four bedpans, numerous chux pads and half a bedsheet suffered the wrath of the nurse's mistake.

The material Sesshoumaru passed resembled meconium, the tarry greenish-black slime stored in an unborn baby's large intestine until after birth. He lost ten pounds after having his digestive process so cruelly invaded. Kagome suspected his starved body hoarded everything fed to him after he was found, acting like a fat store. He wasn't having large motions because it kept breaking down and being absorbed until it couldn't be recycled anymore.

That is, until the "helpful" nurse emptied him out.

Health wise he almost dropped back to square one. His kidneys failed again, he stopped passing urine and his mouth and eyes became painfully dry. Blood tests revealed a deficiency in pretty much every nutrient his body needed to survive.

"Oh, brother. He's a gork, he's already brain-dead!" Akemi rolled her eyes amidst the throng gathered in the demon lord's room.

"Do you see a Do Not Resuscitate order on his chart?" Kagome snarled across the clipboard balanced on her arm. She could barely read her own writing. "No! Why? Nobody wrote one. Four people checked. That means we do everything we can. It's the law."

The younger nurse shot her superior a skeptical look. "He's been dying for years."

"WRONG, Akemi. The only thing he depended on was the feeding tube. His health has been great until that idiot Nafuda whatever-her-last-name-is gave him that stupid enema!" Kagome pinched the bridge of her nose. "And people do sometimes come out of comas like this. The brain is an amazing organ."

"His 'amazing' brain is mush."

Kagome shook her head. "It's still intact. No trauma. Nobody knows why he's unconscious. But I have a feeling that he'd want to be kept alive. And since there's no DNR here, we're doing whatever we can to ensure he lives. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but it's the way it is."

"Hmph." Akemi's eyes narrowed, "I still think it's stupid to try and keep someone like him alive. How do you know this wasn't going to happen on its own in the future?"

Hot coals swelled in Kagome's stomach. Her eyes bore holes in Akemi's skull, but Akemi kept her gaze directed down at the chart in her hands. Somebody wheeled a dialysis pump between them and pushed into the room.

"Do you remember that American woman being cut off from her feeding tube?"

"Huh?" the young nurse looked up, squinting. "Terri Schiavo, you mean?"

"Yeah." Kagome held her eyes.

"That's different! They're not sure if she's in a PVS or not. Your guy never moves and has no reflexes. It's pretty obvious there's nothing there."

"And how do we know if he's really brain dead? EEG's can sometimes miss faint brainwaves!" Kagome chewed the tip of her pen. She wanted something to hope for, however crazy it may be. "If we gave up and let him die, we'd be doing the same barbaric thing that's being done to Terri. It's sick! And I don't care what you think, he deserves a chance. I'll do everything I can until he either improves or codes so bad we can't get a pulse back." She wrote orders down on her chart and handed it off to be processed. Looking to Akemi again, she said, "This discussion is over. You're still on duty, stop standing around!"

Akemi bit her lip and stormed off, rudely flicking her blue-streaked hair.

Minutes later, IV's pushed liquid electrolytes into Sesshoumaru's veins to try and make up for the fluid loss. Kagome ordered him on a continuous feeding schedule, hoping to replenish his intestinal food stores.

Then she had the foolish nurse fired.

That night, just before Kagome's shift was due to end, Hana alerted her that Sesshoumaru's pulse and blood pressure were dropping and it probably wouldn't be long before he coded.

"Dammit." Kagome shoved her last chart into the outbox. Her head ached from the day's stress. "That's it, I'm done for the night. If anybody comes crying to me, you take it. I'll be sitting in his room." Without waiting for Hana's response, she hurried to Sesshoumaru's room and closed the door.

A crash cart and ventilator left little room at the demon lord's bedside. The dialysis pump whirred gently, his crimson blood filling the clear tubes. His pulse cuff was replaced with metal cups on his chest. A long strand of glowing green peaks and valleys marched across the monitor beside his bed. Beeps followed each spike.

With her eyes Kagome followed the shiny nasal cannula delivering oxygen straight to his nose. The tubes were draped over his ears and met under his chin, continuing on into a silver tank propped against the wall.

Sesshoumaru's breathing was labored and slow. Even with the emergency feeding and fluid, his face still looked sunken and his skin a little wrinkled. His tongue, red and inflamed from the dehydration, prevented his mouth from closing properly. A textbook Q-sign.

He came so far and survived for so long. And now he'd taken ten steps back because of one foolish nurse who freaked out at him letting out one little nugget a week instead of a pile every other day.

"I'm sorry." Numbly, Kagome pulled a chair next to Sesshoumaru's bed and sat down. She put moistening drops in his dry eyes and dabbed a wet cotton swab on his swollen tongue, trying desperately to bring him any comfort she could. "It's my fault for letting that woman near you. She was an ER bounce who had no place working here. I should have never let her do your belly massage."

The water droplets dried on Sesshoumaru's tongue. Kagome dabbed on more. His crescent moon and magenta stripes seemed to fade a little.

"Please...I don't care if we didn't get along back then. Everybody's dead, except for us. I don't want to be the only one who remembers anymore." Tears pricked in the corners of Kagome's eyes. "You're all I have left, Sesshoumaru...if you're in there somewhere, you have to fight. You have to live. Even if you don't wake up, just _live_."

Silence was all she could hear.

A wry smile twisted her lips as she moistened his tongue for a third time. "Okay, I admit it, I did sometimes wonder what happened to you after I left. I never imagined you'd end up like this."

An IV pump beeped. Kagome got up to reset it and returned to Sesshoumaru's side. She watched the moving line on the screen. Glowing peaks started to jumble together. He was getting tachy.

Kagome's fists clenched until the knuckles turned white. Her eyes were glued to the irregular green line marching across the monitor screen. "Oh, no. Don't you dare fibrillate, Sesshoumaru. Don't you dare!"

The spikes formed a sawtooth. Beeps dissolved to a high-pitched tone. His lips and chest flexed into the agonal breathing pattern of cardiac arrest.

"Damn you!" Kagome hit the code blue button on the wall above his bed. She bared Sesshoumaru's chest and ripped the paddles from the crash cart. "You're so stubborn you'd go into v-fib just because I said not to!" She set the charge to two hundred joules, smeared gel on the metal paddles and leaned over the bed. "If you go into asystole...so help me I'll shock myself just to come down there and annoy you for eternity."

Kagome set one paddle on the right sternal border below his right clavicle. The other settled at an angle so the upper corner brushed his left nipple. She pushed them down just enough to dent his skin and pressed the button.

THONK!

Sesshoumaru's body arched and flopped. An invisible mule kicked Kagome's palms. She checked the monitor. Still v-fib. She cursed, pressed down and shocked him again. He gasped weakly. The monitor's tone separated into a steady beep-beep, sawtooth pattern vanishing into healthy peaks and hills. Kagome shoved the crash cart aside and touched two fingers to his throat. He had a nice, steady pulse and regular respirations.

"That actually felt good," she dropped herself back onto her chair, canceling the code blue and writing the incident down on his chart. Eyeing the unconscious demon, she went on, "You picked a stupid era to try and die in. Now keep breathing, okay? Don't make me intubate you too. Sheesh, you're as much trouble now as you were back then!"

With that, she settled down to wait.

Hours passed. Kagome dozed on and off, jerking awake every time something beeped or clicked.

Sesshoumaru began to improve. Like magic the swelling in his tongue went down. His mouth gradually closed, small lips regaining their pink hue. The fluids were working.

Kagome sagged with relief. He wasn't sitting on death's doorstep anymore.

"See?" She fluffed his bangs a bit, but stopped herself after realizing what she was doing. He wouldn't like that while awake and she certainly wasn't going to inflict such indignities on him when he couldn't respond. "I knew you were too stubborn to give up. Now if you'll excuse me, it's two in the morning and I have a date with my bed. I'll see you in a few hours."

As she left, Kagome grudgingly reminded herself of Akemi's words. Sesshoumaru was most likely a vegetable, even though some deep part of her wanted to believe otherwise. She bit her lip and pushed her way through the glass door.

o0o END OF CHAPTER o0o

-Glossary-

Agonal respiration- an irregular breathing pattern seen in patients who are in cardiac arrest. Can look like gasping, snorting or gurgling, and does NOT count as breathing because it can't move oxygen without a heartbeat.

Asystole - there's no more electrical current passing through the heart(flatline). In other words, once you're in asystole it's unlikely a defibrillator shock will save you.

Atrophy - wasting away from disuse, ie the muscles in the legs of paralyzed people often atrophy because they can't use them.

Blown - slang for dilated, usually in reference to the pupils.

BM - bowel movement.

BP - blood pressure, a measure of how well blood circulates through your arteries, listed in the format of the systolic(when the heart contracts) pressure over the diastolic(when the heart relaxes) pressure. Normal blood pressure is about 120/80.

Bradycardia - a slowing of the heart rate to less than 50 beats per minute. The person is then considered bradycardic.

Bradying down - heart rate is dropping.

Chordae tendinea - The strings attached to the leaflets on your mitral and tricuspid heart valves. They're connected to the ventricular wall of the heart.

Chux pads - absorbent pads placed under a patient to protect their bed from body fluids or wastes. They look a lot like the pee pads you put on the floor for a dog.

Cut - Circumcised, whereas an intact foreskin would mean a man is "uncut."

DPS - slang for Disappearing Penis Syndrome: the usual reaction of the male organ in response to insertion of a catheter or endoscope.

DVT - Deep Vein Thrombosis, a blood clot in the leg that forms when a person is off their feet for extended periods of time. It's dangerous because the clot can travel to the heart, lungs or brain with fatal results.

G tube - abbreviation for a gastronomy tube, which is a feeding tube surgically connected to the stomach. This tends to be for people needing to be tube-fed over a long period of time. On the other hand, an NG tube, or Nasogastric tube, is a tube going through the nose and into the stomach.

Gork - slang for someone who is unconscious or comatose(and most often brain dead). Can also be used as a noun as in "there's a new gork in room six." Another term is gorked out.

Grading of Heart Murmurs - Grade 1: Very faint. Grade 2: Soft. Grade 3: Heard all over the precordium(chest). Grade 4: Loud, with palpable thrill (ie, a tremor or vibration felt by touch). Grade 5: Very loud, with thrill, may be heard when stethoscope is partly off the chest. Grade 6: Very loud, with thrill. May be heard with stethoscope entirely off the chest.

Hypotension - abnormally low blood pressure(opposite to hypertension).

Oxygen saturation - ("sats") the amount of oxygen in a substance, usually the blood.

PHAT - slang for Pretty Hot and Tempting. Usually in reference to attractive male doctors or patients.

PVS - persistent vegetative state, a state where a person appears awake and alert, but there is little or no cerebral activity and they don't respond meaningfully to their environment.

Scut work - slang for busy work like drawing blood, filling out lab slips, writing charts, etc.

Stat - from the Latin statinum, meaning immediately.

Tachy - slang for tachycardia. Pronounced "tacky".

Tachycardia - abnormally high heart rate with a pulse more than 100 beats per minute.

Tracheostomy - a surgically created opening in the neck which allows direct access to the trachea (windpipe). It is maintained open with a hollow tube called a tracheostomy(trach) tube.

Upper/lower quadrants - areas of the abdomen. For example: Your appendix is located in the lower right quadrant, which is near your hipbone.

V-fib - ventricular fibrillation, where the heart's electrical activity goes haywire, causing the heart to beat so fast and irregular that it doesn't pump blood properly. Fatal without immediate medical intervention.


	2. Still Alive

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 2  
Still Alive

o0o

Two nerve-wracking weeks passed, each day filled with dialysis, IV's and tubes. Sesshoumaru's health started to improve by the start of the second week. During that time everybody was so focused on his nutrition that he didn't get a single bath for almost ten days. His poor hair ended up a greasy, sticky mess that looked wet despite being bone dry and his skin got all shiny with oil. He'd probably get pimples soon if something wasn't done.

Kagome got sick of seeing him in such a disgraced state. She hijacked Hana to help her give him a thorough sponge bath and wash his hair. After that, they made sure to bathe him every morning. One more routine that kept the halls bustling.

Sesshoumaru, it turned out, was extremely sensitive to shampoos and soaps. The thick, powdery no-rinse stuff used for sponge baths dried his skin out and gave him horrid dandruff that dulled his shiny hair. So Kagome tried Head and Shoulders to help the dandruff problem. The dandruff went away, but it caused a bumpy red rash all around where his hair touched his skin. Garnier Fructis gave him an even worse rash that turned his poor ears red with pimply bumps.

And body soaps? Dove seemed to be the only one that didn't turn his skin into a dried-out mess.

_Who would've thought he'd have sensitive skin? Boy I'm glad he's not like this with the bleach they use to wash his yukatas_.

Finally Kagome brought in her own personal Pantene shampoo and conditioner. Together, her and Hana positioned Sesshoumaru's head over the professional wash basin they both chipped in to purchase. Kagome turned on the faucet to wet his hair and watched his bangs wash back over the top of his head.

Hana eyed him curiously. "You think this stuff will do it?"

"It better," Kagome dumped the apple-scented shampoo onto her palm, "otherwise I don't know what else I can use. He could just be sensitive to everything because they didn't have shampoo like this in his time."

"In his time?"

_Dammit_. She kicked herself. "Uh, I meant in his time with that Tetsura lady. I wonder what she used on him."

A slow shrug painted Hana's narrow shoulders. She lifted Sesshoumaru's arm and sponged underneath, following it with a pass of the towel to dry him. "I wonder what color eyes he has. I bet they're a pretty shade sky blue or honey brown."

_Try molten gold_, came Kagome's silent answer. _Hana, you have no idea that you're bathing someone who was once one of the most feared warriors in all of Japan_.

Another thought shot lightning across the back of her mind. "Hana...who's paying for his stay here?"

"Mm," the petite woman furrowed her brow, "I think he's staying here until the money Tetsura set aside for him runs out. Somebody found a note from her saying to place him somewhere nice. She had no family other than him, she kinda adopted him like a son. It's really sad...she was a retired nurse and tried so hard to bring him back to health, but he never woke up for her and she's just too old to keep taking care of him."

Kagome raked her nails gently over Sesshoumaru's scalp, careful not to scrape back and forth too much. So far his skin remained unblemished. Usually effects were immediate. It looked like Pantene did the trick.

"So what happens when the money runs out?"

"He'll probably get dumped in a hospital where he'll just get fed, watered and emptied. Enough to keep him alive while his muscles all waste away and pneumonia finally - "

"I get the picture." She turned on the faucet to rinse his scalp and poured another handful of shampoo on her palm to wash the length of his hair. It was like liquid silver when wet. _He's all of Inuyasha that I have left_...

"Maybe I can take him home and nurse him there."

"Kagome!"

A small smile formed on Kagome's pink lips. She shook some of her bangs out of her eyes. "He's just taking up bed space here. Expensive bed space. Look at him, Hana, could you live with yourself if you let him slip through the insurance cracks when he can't even tell us what he needs?"

"Why are you so upset over this?" asked Hana. Her glasses were slightly fogged by the steam in the water. "It happens all the time. Do you know him or something?"

"I...kind of. I knew someone that knew him while I was in junior high school."

Hana shot Kagome a knowing grin. "Ahhh, feel like telling me his real name by any chance? Dori is just too girly a nickname for him."

"Sesshou-" She stopped herself just in time to separate his name in to two sounds, making it sound like a first and last name. "-Maru."

"Sesshou Maru? Must've had old-fashioned parents."

_You have no idea_. Kagome sighed to herself as she wrung Sesshoumaru's long hair out and spread it on the towel in her lap to air dry for a few minutes. "From what I've seen of him...he wouldn't want to be left to waste away in some forgotten hospital ward that smells like feces and vomit. He always took good care of his hair and body. It'd be unfair to have him dumped off in a place where nobody will see him as a person."

"Yeah?" There was a flicker of anger in Hana's eyes, "You could also take him home and he could arrest while you're at work or in the shower where you can't hear the alarms."

"Don't forget my place is pretty tiny. Plus, _plus_, the only time he's coded was after Nafuda screwed up his bowels. He's a million times better since then."

"Exactly, you live in a dinky studio loft apartment. Where would you fit a bed for him?"

It was Kagome's turn to frown. She picked up a brush and started combing the silver locks piled up in her lap, smiling a little when she realized how silky it came out. "Living room, naturally."

Shaking her head, Hana hooked Sesshoumaru to his 'lunch' and waited by the cath bag. He usually voided urine during a feeding. "Akemi's gonna be really annoyed with you. She loves to come stare at him from the door."

Kagome snickered at that, pulling Sesshoumaru's hair through the gold ring that began his topknot braid. "Somehow, if he was awake, I get the feeling he would probably ignore her like she didn't exist."

Swish.

"The pretty ones are always stuck up." Hana bent to measure the fresh yellow liquid in the foley bag and emptied it into another container.

"Don't you know it."

Just then, Akemi appeared in the doorway to see if they needed help. Kagome and Hana looked at each other and laughed.

o0o

Kagome wasn't sorry to trudge into her lavender-scented apartment. She pushed the door shut and leaned against it, surveying her small space.

On the left, up against a wall that didn't quite meet the ceiling or the walls on either side, was the stainless steel kitchenette with its tiny sink, a miniature fridge, an electric stove and a microwave. Also to the left was a short incline leading to her bedroom. In front of her were two picture windows. Between them, small alcoves in the wall contained her cheap TV set, some candles and a few odds and ends of her childhood. Family photographs and a few decorative fans gave the place a cozy feel.

She sighed, kicked off her shoes and flicked on the light switch, turning on the tall shoji lamp by the door. _Okay, the recliner on the right wall can move under the windows on the west wall over there_. Her eyes moved up to the slanted skylight. No matter what time of year it was, the sun wouldn't hit the right side of the room. The elm step tansu she kept over in the corner could hold a lot of equipment. The bonsai trees would have to move, but her little six inch, four-tiered tabletop zen fountain was staying exactly where it was on the bottom shelf.

Okay, so it wasn't a suite, but it was a place to sleep.

Kagome staggered to her bedroom, flicking on another floor lamp. Her bedroom had her bed, a dresser and a desk for her computer. Grandpa was wonderful enough to give her an antique wardrobe when she realized the apartment didn't have a closet for her to hang her clothes. It sat flush against the wall by her bed like a friendly ghost from the past.

Sometimes she loved how her platform bed sat just across from the full-length sliding glass doors that opened right onto the roof. Anytime Kagome wanted, she could walk out onto the roof and look out over Tokyo. Ten stories below, the city bustled madly. But she, up in her safe little hole in the wall, didn't have to move at all.

A few minutes later found Kagome changed into an old T-shirt and sweats and busily cooking some ramen on the stove. Her mind stayed stubbornly trapped on Sesshoumaru.

If nobody stepped in he'd be dumped in some cheap hospital. But if she brought him here to her place, then what? People in his state could survive for years. Kagome could just picture herself as an old lady, still taking care of him. At least with her he'd be treated like a person, even though everything that made him 'Sesshoumaru' was long gone.

__

Or we could pull the plug and remove his feeding tube. A piece of rice stuck in her throat, making her cough. _That's too barbaric, it could take someone like him YEARS to die...and I still don't know how long he was unconscious before someone found him. He could've been laying there for a few centuries_.

"Dammit, I need to think about something besides work." Kagome flipped on the TV to catch some late night news before retiring to bed.

o0o

Demon blood poured off the branches scraping her legs. She raced through the foliage like a frightened deer, darting hither and thither from oncoming tentacles. The smell of death and pain followed her no matter how fast she pumped her legs. Every gasp heaved in more heaviness until her lungs threatened to burst.

Something red and white leapt from the bush. She screamed.

"Shut up! You're gonna give us away!"

Kagome focused on Inuyasha's bruised, but still-handsome face. Tears blurred her vision. "Inuyasha!" She sobbed, pulling herself up against him. "I thought you were dead!"

"Nah," a smile revealed shocking fangs behind human lips, "but I got the jewel."

Her face burned at the sight of him still straddling her with his weight rested on his knees. Unbidden she imagined him unclothed and moving wildly above her, flushed for reasons other than battle. Boldly she reached up and cupped his face, making him shoot her a surprised look. "It's almost over."

His amber eyes deepened. "Let's finish this."

Together they got up. Kagome with an energized arrow at ready and Inuyasha brandishing Tetsusaiga.

Inuyasha shot Kagome the feral grin she'd grown to love during their time together. With his shaggy hair, fluffy dog ears and baggy clothes he looked like a teenager who thought himself invincible. Invincible and ruggedly handsome. Kagome smiled back and took aim at the giant black pod looming in the sky above them.

Inuyasha's Wound of Wind sailed up towards the dark creature. Kagome released her arrow a second later.

Both attacks combined. The vanished in a massive ball of light and energy. The blast flung Kagome into Inuyasha, who tumbled backwards into a bush with her on top of him. He quickly rolled over to shield her with his body.

All became silent and dark. Night returned to the forest.

Kagome was again hyper-aware of Inuyasha's body flush against hers. His coarse hair and clothes, soft from constant wear, surrounded her in warmth. She felt his heart thudding like a machine gun against her back. In all the commotion she hadn't realized his hands were almost on her breasts. Heat curled off his body. She was almost sorry when he pushed himself up to sit beside her, again leaving her exposed to the cold night air.

Naraku's disembodied head floated above the well. A pinkish glow surrounded him as his long, wavy black hair drifted past his face.

"So this...this is what peace feels like," he whispered. His face relaxed, and for that brief moment he didn't look at all evil.

Closing his eyes, Naraku whispered Kikyo's name and faded from existence.

Inuyasha wasted no time. He grabbed Kagome's shirt to help her sit up. "Make your wish. Hurry! Just in case the fucker somehow comes back."

Kagome crawled to her knees, aching from the excursion. "It won't disappear unless you make a selfless wish."

His eyes leveled with hers, gold into sapphire, "I know."

The Shikon no Tama flashed blinding white. Then it cooled to soft pink, glowing gently in Kagome's palms. All the fighting, pain and bloodshed for such a tiny ball so full of power.

"Shikon Jewel," Kagome exhaled, "Disappear!"

Brilliant light slammed into her eyes. She covered her face with her hands to protect her eyes from the luminescence...

...and lowered them to find herself alone in the well shrine. Time was repaired, her presence in the past the last wrinkle to be straightened. So, cruelly, it ironed itself out by flinging her back to the present. Ripping her away from the one she loved in the most painful way possible.

She heard herself screaming his name.

o0o

"INUYASHA!" Kagome shot upright, panting and covered in cold sweat. Her hair was a mess from tossing and turning all night. The sun bounced off a building across the street, blinding her. She covered her face with both hands. Silent tears oozed between her fingers to pool under her elbows.

__

God... The burning knot unwound from her chest. She breathed deeply, flopped down and rolled onto her side. Her sweat-soaked pillowcase felt like a slimy dog's tongue against her cheek. Grimacing, she sat up and flipped it over. _I hate it when I have that dream about Inuyasha_...

Something didn't feel right.

She threw herself towards her phone, dialing before she even finished falling.

Hana picked up on the fourth ring, "hello?" Her voice was slurred as if she'd been sleeping at the desk.

"Hana! I need you to check on Sesshou right now."

"He's not due for a check - "

"NOW!" Kagome roared.

The phone clanked to signal Hana put it down. Tense silence followed, during which Kagome managed to bite the ends off all her fingernails and pondered attempting her toenails too. Finally the other end picked up again.

"He's really tachy," Hana's voice had a faint quiver. "Pulse is up to almost two hundred."

"Hook him up to an EEG monitor, stat. I'm coming in." Shoving the phone down, Kagome threw on her scrubs, stepped into her cheap flip-flops and grabbed her keys on the way out the door. _I'm fricken glad I live in walking distance of the place. No traffic to fight through_.

Kagome reached the nursing home in five minutes by running full tilt. She slammed through the door and made two lefts to reach room number ten.

Hana stood next to Sesshoumaru's bed, attaching the plastic cups to his forehead and temples. On the table, the lights on his pulse monitor moved so fast it appeared to blink rather than bounce up and down. He took rapid, shallow breaths and a layer of cold sweat covered his skin.

All at once Sesshoumaru's pulse and breathing went back to normal.

"Hurry!"

"I am!" Hana wiped her bangs back, "I wouldn't be surprised if his body is shutting down."

"Just...turn the damn monitor on!"

The younger nurse sneered. "Fine! Fine."

Kagome watched the needles. Flatline, flatline and more flatline.

And a spike.

Sesshoumaru's pulse started to climb again. Kagome stole Hana's stethoscope off her throat and listened to his heartbeat. It thudded like a herd of wild horses, the murmur so loud it almost drowned out his breath sounds. She looked at the EEG paper. All that and he only gave one little spike.

"Damn..."

"Kagome," Hana touched her back, "I think you're hoping for too much."

"I'm going to take him to my apartment." Tongues of anger curled behind Kagome's breastbone. "He's got one more month before his funds run out and I just can't let them dump him. I'll wheel him down the street myself if I have to."

"And then what? You sit there and watch his hair grow? How are you going to take care of Sesshou all by yourself, huh?" the smaller nurse snapped, flinging her arm up to gesture at Sesshoumaru. "His cerebral cortex is probably FRIED, Kagome! All he'll do is LAY THERE, bradying down or getting tachy, eating and peeing through tubes and gathering bacteria! He's practically GPO, so what do you hope to accomplish?"

The shock of Hana's outburst almost made Kagome bite her cheek. First Akemi and now her? She winced. "You wouldn't understand, Hana. Just...stay out of it, okay? I know what I'm doing!"

A scoff flared Hana's nostrils. "Okay, fine."

"Hana, I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it was the right thing to do. It's what he would want."

The other nurse just turned away and angrily wrote down the instance of tachycardia on Sesshoumaru's chart. "Just don't cry to me when he crashes and dies."

"Han-"

"Some'b' go' owie?" Ken's guttural voice filtered into the room. He stood in the doorway, disheveled and hugging a fuzzy toy dog with floppy ears. His pajama shirt was buttoned wrong and his pants were falling down. Briefly he reminded Kagome of how Inuyasha looked when she bought him some modern clothes to wear when he visited her time.

A perfect image of Inuyasha in a blue baseball hat, baggy jeans and a black button down shirt with the buttons all crooked flashed across her mind. She suppressed a giggle.

Hana and Kagome both faced Ken, but Hana spoke first. "No, Ken, nobody has an owie. Did you have a bad dream?"

"Mmhuh." Ken wiped at his hair and tilted his head. "Angel?" he inquired, pointing to Sesshoumaru.

__

Far from it, Ken... Kagome muttered mentally. Half of her wanted to slap the demon lord for giving her such a scare that she ran to the home looking more like a patient than a nurse. She tried ineffectively to put some order into her mussed hair. "Hey, Ken, how about I take you back to your room and tell you a story?"

His eyes lit up and he nodded, turning to scoot off to his room before Kagome even uncurled. She chuckled as she followed and brought him a glass of water. He waited eagerly for her to begin.

Kagome took a small breath, smiled and started, "There once was a funny man with dog ears on his head. His name was Inuyasha..."

o0o

Sesshoumaru's belongings - his underclothes, hakama, obi, shoes, armor, his gorgeous heirloom pelt and several binders full of notebooks Tetsura left to him all fit in five separate trash bags.

Trash bags for objects that weren't trash. But he didn't come with suitcases.

Kagome left them in the corner for the moment and made room for the bed. The shoji screen she kept folded in a corner could spread out at the foot of the bed and act like a curtain so people couldn't stare at him through the front door. She'd converted her tansu drawers into medicine, formula and spare tube receptacles(which left all her movies and DVD's piled up in the corner). The shelves would hold his monitors and extra IV bags. An electrical island housed several places to plug in tube pumps and monitors.

Everything was set.

__

Why am I so excited about him coming to rest here? He hated my guts, we hardly spoke to each other and he always wanted to rip Inuyasha's head off...I wish he could tell me what really happened to Inuyasha.

Her eyes moved to the door when a delivery boy rounded the corner, pushing a hospital style bed. It had a blue mattress that electronically circulated air against the skin, which helped prevent bedsores.

"Miss Higurashi? I have an order for a bed here that you need to sign."

She signed it carefully, offering the handsome delivery boy a small smile and a ten percent tip. "Thanks. Just place it next to the tansu with the foot facing the door, please."

The delivery boy did as she asked, walking carefully on the tatami mats. He never stopped smiling. Kagome smirked at the text on his shirt, which read 'We Serve With A Smile'. _Poor kid must take it to heart_. He probably got the lowest pay possible, much less than what Kagome made nursing full-time.

And she was about to cut herself down to part time. Living was going to be a scrunch for awhile.

Sighing, she started dressing the bed with the pseudo-antique sheets she always kept on hand in case of guests. They looked nicer than the plain, boring white of the home and seemed like something Sesshoumaru would prefer.

Twenty minutes later, Kagome was again brought to alert when her guest of honor finally arrived. She helped the glum-looking transport medic transfer Sesshoumaru from the gurney to his new bed. Though he was heavy, he was quite easy to move from one bed to another when required. It only took a few minutes to hook him up to his sparse monitors and he was set.

Kagome sat down and sighed. Sesshoumaru seemed horribly out of place in such a modern setting. She wondered if he could hear or smell, or if he even knew he'd been moved. His lips were parted when they'd always been closed before. That could be from his head shifting during transfer.

He even snored a little. Very softly, almost like a purr.

"Too bad you're not awake, I was going to throw you a welcoming party." Her brow wrinkled and a bitter laugh escaped, "I doubt you can even hear me. But that's not much different than when you were awake. But...just in case you're still in there..." She lifted the thick, heavy pelt from the first trash bag and approached the bed. With careful hands she laid it over his right shoulder, tucking it under his arm and resting his hand on top. He looked more like himself with the pelt in place. "I saved your stuff."

Sesshoumaru's pulse went up again. Not as fast as earlier, but significantly. His breathing slowed down, then sped up and became irregular.

"Are you trying to wake up? Hey," Kagome bent over, inches from his face, wide-eyed. She jiggled the mattress a little. "Hey...Sesshoumaru, can you hear me?"

Whatever awareness he'd attained, it left again. It quickly proved frustrating how fleeting these moments were becoming.

__

One spike or not, that was still a spike on the EEG. That means something higher up is still active and trying to function. That or the machine is a lying piece of crap that needs replacement. Ugh, Kagome backed off to her kitchenette to brew herself some herbal tea. A headache was forming right behind her forehead. She popped two chalky-tasting aspirin dry while waiting for the water to heat up. _Maybe if I talk to him when his pulse is up, he'll find a way to wake up. I need something to hope for and right now he's it. Don't disappoint me, Sesshoumaru_...

He looked so comfortable with his cheek resting against his pelt, his soft breath stirring the fur. She almost expected him to nuzzle against it and sigh like a happy child with a security blanket.

Kagome dragged herself into the bathroom, gasping when she spied herself in the mirror. Her hair needed a wash and the bags under her eyes nearly sagged to her knees. She needed a shower, good food and about two weeks of uninterrupted sleep. The old-sock taste clung to her tongue like a stubborn odor. She scraped at it with a tongue cleaner and toothpaste to no avail.

__

Lucky gorks, they get the best sleep of us all.

o0o

Pipes gurgled as a shower turned off.

"Okay, Vicki, up and over."

__

Please don't puke...

"Uh-keh." Vicki, slanted eyes narrowed in concentration, pressed her gnarled hands down against Kagome's arm. Her whole body tried to flail. Kagome lifted her off the plastic shower seat and swung her around to her chair, then started to towel her off. Vicki's legs spasmed, almost kicking the poor nurse in the face. "Suh-eh."

"Nah, I needed the wake up call." She laughed, but stopped when she noticed a little blood on the towel. "Uh oh, you need a pad."

"Mmh." Again Vicki's legs kicked. She had athetoid cerebral palsy, which left her body almost constantly writhing. Any time she tried to move on her own, her whole body would flop around like a wet fish. It affected her ability to speak and eat properly. Despite this her intellect was intact. "Wuh 'app'd to duh an-el?"

Kagome draped the towel over her patient for dignity's sake and ran a brush through her cropped brown hair. "I took him home to care for him there. His money was running out."

"Kagome?" Akemi poked her head around the curtain. This week her hair was brown with chestnut highlights. "Ken just exploded in his pants."

__

Geez, Ken, you poor guy.

"Have Hana clean him up if he's antsy." Kagome hated having to keep handing him off to other people, but she just didn't have enough time to manage all of her patients at once. If only she could clone herself. "I'm way behind already and I still have to write up my reports on - "

"Hana's sitting with Miki right now because she's not doing so well. She's got the Q sign...I think she's near the end."

"Oh, damn...she's been having the O sign for weeks. Are they sure?"

"Yeah."

"Mikeh?" Vicki cut in slowly, "Sh' cah fo' 'er ma."

Akemi narrowed her eyes at Vicki, still sore about being puked on. She also never made an effort to understand the woman's speech. "Um..."

"Her mom came last night, Vicki." said Kagome in attempt to fill the gap in conversation.

Vicki shot Akemi's look back at her. Then her gaze turned to Kagome and a wide smile formed, flashing straight white teeth. They both nodded to each other in a secret agreement. Sometime between the smile and the nod, Akemi made herself scarce so she wouldn't have to deal with the spastic woman.

Kagome dressed Vicki in her favorite black T-shirt and jeans, making sure she had a sanitary pad in place before she wheeled her into the hall. "I hate to rush it, Vicki, but you know Ken..."

"Do' war'. I gi' mehy too."

"Thanks, you're a trooper."

Poor Ken DID have an explosion. The floor and one wall in the corner looked as if somebody splashed a mud puddle. Kagome discovered the cause when she found Ex-Lax wrappers on the floor. The mentally disabled man must've mistaken them for candy and eaten them all. She knew only one person who could've been in the room at the time.

Kagome comforted Ken all through his cleanup bath. He cheered up for her when she gave him his favorite lemon popsicle, popped a Dragonball Z DVD into the DVD player and turned on the TV. His happy slurping only broke when he cheered the characters on.

That done, she approached the nurse's station.

"Akemi?"

Akemi was on the phone with her boyfriend. Kagome knew because all they ever talked about on the phone was sex.

She hit the receiver, cutting off the call.

"Hey!"

"You left Michiko's laxative tablets in Ken's room. He ate every single one of them. You have to be careful with stuff like that! What if they'd been Ami's morphine pills? You could have killed him!"

A mortified look passed over Akemi's face. She slowly put the phone down and turned deliberately to her desk. "I must've put them down and forgot about them. But they were only laxatives, there weren't enough to really hurt him."

"That's not the point!" Kagome's voice ricocheted off the back wall. It slapped the tension headache throbbing at the back of her skull, making it shift like a sandbag on her brain. "You can't be careless in this place! We could get sued for negligence and then all of these wonderful people we take care of will be dumped on other homes. Friends will be torn away from each other, and that's the worst way for a relationship to end."

"Look!" Akemi slammed her pencil down and looked up with two eyes like hibachi coals. Her chair shrieked on its swivel. "I made a mistake! It's over with, he's getting cleaned up I hope...so just drop it, okay? I'll be more careful next time!"

Kagome returned the look with equal malice. "You better." Then she pulled her charts from their box and stomped down the hall. She felt better being able to yell at someone who could answer.

Unconsciously her mind drifted to Sesshoumaru. She talked to him a lot, even though everybody else told her he was brain dead and probably couldn't hear her. Maybe he didn't all the time. But during those times where his pulse raced she was sure some cerebral activity, probably too low for the EEG to pick up, was occurring. Ever since she brought him to her apartment his pulse had been faster than while at the nursing home.

Maybe he could smell the difference of the two places. Experiments to test his awareness of different scents washed through her mind. _I'd have to pick two things that smell radically different. Something I know is really unpleasant and something nice. Maybe _-

A beep from Vicki's room called her away.

o0o

__

Lord Fluffy...he would so hate me if I called him that to his face, mused Kagome when she unlocked her door and relieved Kaoru, a young, attractive nursing assistant who was working up her in-home hours. Her cute pixie haircut often reminded Kagome of Tinkerbell.

"I took the sheet off him because his face got a little flushed. No fever. He's been stable all day."

"Thanks." Kagome smiled as she set her keys down. "I owe you a dozen lunches."

"Haha, thanks!" Kaoru bowed politely before she left.

The sakura-printed shoji screen proved itself an annoyingly necessary obstacle. Any time she didn't put it up her neighbor across the hall, the nosey Shinta Okouchi, would open his door and stare. He was an old man with samurai ancestors and well versed in the myths of Edo. Endearingly sweet like Grandpa, just terribly nosey. Kagome sometimes wondered if he suspected Sesshoumaru's true heritage or was just curious about what was wrong with him.

Sesshoumaru had become a fixture in her home. Part of the furniture. A fancy decoration. Day in and day out, the only signs he lived was the constant, inexorable rise and fall of his chest and the flickering light on the pulse monitor.

Speaking of Sesshoumaru...there he lay - Kaoru had turned him on his right side with his pelt acting like a pillow to keep him that way. He also had a folded pillowcase tucked under his elbow so it wasn't digging into his side. His braided hair was draped over the raised bars like a precious silk rope.

Sometimes, late at night, Kagome would turn off all the lights and watched how the shadows fell across his face. He looked amazing in the dark, especially on nights when the full moon shone onto him through the skylight. His hair became moonlight and his skin the finest porcelain ever created. She often found herself holding her breath when she watched the silver oblong of dim light track across his bed. During those quiet hours, when her house was almost silent, he was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.

The hours in the moonlight must have been what prompted Tetsura to call him her dreaming angel.

"I'm back," Kagome took her shoes off and walked over to check on Sesshoumaru. His lips were a little dry, so she carefully measured some water and used a syringe to push it through his G-tube. Then she hooked him up to his 'dinner' and smeared a thin layer of Vaseline on his lips so they wouldn't chap. "Man, you go through this formula like crazy. At least you can't stick your nose in the air and say you don't eat human food. What did you mean by that anyway? You literally don't eat or just don't eat something prepared by a human?"

__

I'm talking to deaf ears. I should just shut up.

The headache from earlier crept hot pokers up the back of her skull. She sighed and popped some aspirin. "Something that smells nice and something that smells nasty...ooh!"

Kagome pushed off from the bed and reached into the basket above her kitchenette set. Grinning to herself, she chopped the onion in half and took a whiff to test it. The potent, stinging scent swirled up her nostrils and settled in the corners of her eyes, making them water instantly. _He'd smell that a mile away_.

Holding the onion at arm's length, she walked over and held it near Sesshoumaru's nose. He snuffled and his breathing instantly shallowed out as if he was trying to avoid inhaling the smell. It came back up to normal when she moved it away. She brought it closer and again his breaths slowed.

Excited without knowing why, Kagome dashed around the wall to her bedroom and out onto the roof. Last year her mother gave her a lovely potted rosebush for her birthday. The deep red blossoms were all starting to open. Kagome clipped one off its stalk and took it back inside.

__

C'mon, Sesshoumaru, find a way to tell me if you like this.

She held the blossom right under his nose. He inhaled more deeply. Not faster or slower than before, just deeper. He went right back to normal when she moved the rose away. She repeated the process to be sure. He definitely took larger breaths.

"You _are_ aware of scents...sorta...that means you know who I am." A sigh blew past her lips. She reached over and straightened his bangs a bit, having recently trimmed them so they weren't hanging to his cheekbones. "Even if you can't hear me, you can smell me." Her hand turned over, knuckles resting on his cheek to check his temperature. "Maybe you can feel me, too."

Sesshoumaru's pulse climbed higher than any other time Kagome recorded it. His blood pressure skyrocketed as well. This time she felt a surge of his aura.

Curiously, she lifted the TV remote from the coffee table and used it to tap his knees. They jerked slightly. She reached for his feet and rubbed a finger up and down the soles. His toes curled, stiff from not moving for so long. Textbook perfect response. If that wasn't a reaction to stimulus, she swore she'd stop declaring leaves were green.

Kagome bent over him, taking his face between her hands and turning it towards her. His skin was warm under her cool palms. "Sesshoumaru, this is Kagome. I'm here. I don't know why you have these surges, but I'm here and you're in a safe place."

Sesshoumaru's eyelids fluttered once, but didn't open. The monitor by the bed showed his pulse gradually slowing to normal. His aura remained level. Kagome felt it curling behind her breastbone like a snake trapped in a round basket. There was definitely information reaching his brain. Maybe the surges were storms of dreams or memories. She didn't know, all she knew was he just showed evidence of cerebral activity. Which in itself meant he definitely wasn't brain-dead.

__

Maybe his brain is turning itself back on a little at a time...but that doesn't explain the surges. Kagome pulled a stool up and seated herself next to the bed, peering at Sesshoumaru's calm face. _I do think he knows I'm here, just by scent_.

Then sneaky little thoughts turned her blood cold. _What if he wakes up brain-damaged like Ken? Or what would happen if he woke up and, realizing he's surrounded by humans, go on a killing spree? No, no, no...stop thinking that way. If he wakes up, he's going to find he's the last of his kind and in a time completely foreign to what he remembers. Everybody he knew is dead except me. I'm all he has_. But she rolled her eyes and told herself he probably wouldn't need anybody. He seemed to do fine alone.

She chewed on her thumbnail while watching the pulse in Sesshoumaru's neck beat under his skin.

__

Still...somebody must have hurt him badly to leave him in this state. If he woke up, he couldn't go back to the life he knew. And, unlike her, he was in a world completely alien to him.

The past refused to go away.

Kagome sighed in defeat and picked up one of the old notebooks mixed into Sesshoumaru's belongings. The first thing she saw when she opened it was a newspaper clipping dating 1970. It had a picture too faded to identify, but the article was about a body being found during deforestation for construction. The article went on to tell about the unidentified male being rushed to the hospital where he was currently in intensive care.

She turned the page to find several black and white photographs of Sesshoumaru still lying on the roots. He was all curled up in fetal position with his pelt wrapped around both shoulders. His pose reminded Kagome of a mummy. The tree literally grew over him. His hair hung like gray wax dangling amidst the roots and his fingernails looked like twisting vines. Centuries of dirt, grime and animal wastes left his skin blackened beyond recognition. Moss was growing in his ears. His nose was full of fungus. The fine silk of his clothing, by some miracle, survived the ages, though filthy and stiff.

A look across the page revealed more detailed photos at the ER. The EMT's were undressing the demon's prone form. The more his skin appeared, the more horrible the images became.

Sesshoumaru was so...completely emaciated. A skeleton covered in white skin. His hair, dull and flat, was falling out. His eyebrows and eyelashes were gone. He even lacked pubic hair, as if his head hair was the last to start going. Photos of his feet displayed his toenails curling back, growing into his shin and coming back out his thigh. Disgusting, massively infected, festering, maggot-infested decubiti covered the side he'd been laying on. In some she could see bone and necrotic muscle. They were massive enough to kill the average human.

On the next page Kagome found photos of Sesshoumaru being cleaned up. She could almost smell the rancidness of his sores through the span of time. Then his form lay undressed except for a towel over his hips. Another image showed a nurse holding his mouth open for intubation. All of his teeth were gone, rotted away. On the next page he was hooked up to every imaginable piece of medical equipment available at the time. A surgical cap covered his head. Without any hints of hair poking out, Kagome realized he'd been shaved and he was completely bald underneath.

More pictures showed his toenails being surgically removed from his thighs and cut down to a more natural length. He spent so much time in one position that his joints were frozen and his bones deformed. His body resembled a corpse with rigor mortis. Notes said it took many, many, many weeks of careful therapy to limber him back up, and after doctors got him mobile enough to lie flat, they placed him in a body cast so his bones could regain their original shape. Then they had to limber him up all over again.

__

Oh, God, Sesshoumaru... Her eyes watered at the sight of him. _How could time be so cruel to you?_

The photo from behind got to her the most. She could count his vertebrae and see how his shoulder blades connected to his ribs. The whipping scars looked like angry cross-stitches holding his entire frame together. It was as if his body literally ate itself to stay alive. There was no way of knowing how long he'd been lying there in the forest, but by dead guessing she estimated at least three or four hundred years. If nobody found him she was sure he wouldn't be alive today.

Just below the back photo, the entries began. All written as if Tetsura was speaking to Sesshoumaru when she wrote. Kagome's eyes drifted over the flowing hiragana text.

__

October 2, 1971

You arrived at this hospital last week. Nobody knew what to call you, but the moment I saw your face I thought you resembled an angel fallen from the sky. Hence your temporary name, Dorimingu Tenshi. This is what you shall be referred to as in your records until you can tell us your real name.

I'll never forget my amazement when I washed your face and saw how beautiful you are. What do the markings on your face and body signify? Are they tribal tattoos of sorts? And your ears, pointed, are fascinating. How did you do that? I can't find the scars from your cosmetic surgery. Someone worked on you with a fantastic hand. I wish I knew what color your eyes were. They're still largely dilated. I venture to guess an unusual color, but which one...I can't say yet.

Right now you're intubated and a ventilator is helping you breathe. Its click and hiss reassures me that you're still fighting for your life. Don't give up, okay? I know you're tired and in pain, but you're in safe hands now. You can rest and heal, and hopefully regain your strength.

Oh, you poor, wounded creature, you only weigh a hundred and one pounds right now. You are so fragile. Your hands look like the slightest touch will crumble them beyond recognition. What happened to you? Where are you from? So many questions...

Nobody thinks you'll survive. I believe they're wrong. Something about you is strong. One day your eyes will open again and I hope to greet you face to face.

Don't worry about your belongings. I had them carefully cleaned and they will be returned to you when you awaken. I must close now, it is time to shave your head. Your hair is destroyed and must start over if there is ever hope for it to be beautiful again. I promise I'll let it grow back to its full glory, but for now it must go. I'm sorry.

Kagome scanned through the notebook. There were occasional photographs showing Sesshoumaru's progress every few months. He looked a little better in each one. By week six he was off the vent and gaining weight thanks to the G-tube. A few scary notes involved Sesshoumaru's upper airway collapsing after removal of the vent. He wound up breathing through a tracheostomy for six months. That explained the dimpling on his throat.

She scanned some more and found an entry mentioning how sensitive his skin was to different chemicals. So far he did react to some bleaches, but the home where Kagome worked used the one that didn't bother him. For shampoo - anything hypoallergenic, nothing with harsh chemicals. For soap...Zest or Dove. Anything else gave him rashes or made his skin peel off in huge flakes. There was also a little note saying that coconut and aloe Vera oil did wonders on any patches of dry skin that popped up after a bath.

__

Then I wonder what he bathed in before modern day soaps and shampoos. Kagome mused to herself. _Probably rosewater or something extremely gentle_.

Tetsura's entries took a sad turn when, almost a year after finding Sesshoumaru, she still wasn't seeing any reflexes or signs of higher brain activity. The government funds paying for his hospital stay were cut off. They wanted to pull the feeding tube out and let him die. There was a huge legal battle over it and Tetsura won. As soon as she was appointed Sesshoumaru's legal guardian, she took him into her home and cared for him like her own son for the next thirty years.

Gratefulness wrapped around Kagome's heart. Here was this woman who knew nothing about the inert man with silver hair and yet she did everything in her power to keep him alive and safe.

Kagome kept reading. She found recipes for pureed mixes with better nutritional value than the store-bought formula. Much cheaper to make and Sesshoumaru seemed to respond better to them than the formula, which sometimes made him spit up a little if he was fed while lying flat. The home-made mixes allowed him to be fed in pretty much any position without incident.

Tetsura even shared her daily green tea with him. Her notes indicated something in the tea helped flush out his system if he showed signs of a bladder infection. Prune juice with a dash of lemon loosened him up if he showed symptoms of constipation. Likewise, pureed bananas mixed with milk cured the opposite problem. If he seemed to lose weight - Ensure with powdered milk and half a cup of soy milk doubled his calorie intake.

There was a recipe for pretty much everything.

More notes told what to listen for if Sesshoumaru showed symptoms of pneumonia and what color his urine turned when he had a UTI. Listed right below were the antibiotics that worked for each specific illness. Beside those were the antibiotics and medications he seemed allergic to. He handled penicillin very well, but sulfonamides and cephalosporins almost put him into anaphylactic shock.

A small smile formed on Kagome's lips when she read about how this gentle woman would read him haiku poetry and give him massages to keep his muscles from wasting away. Funny how Tetsura never had a clue what Sesshoumaru was really like. One couldn't help but conjure up pleasant thoughts when they looked upon him in this condition. He looked too angelic to be a ruthless killer.

One look from his icy eyes would've changed everything. Tetsura never did find out what color his eyes were, but she said they were probably the loveliest eyes any woman would ever look upon.

Reaching for the last notebook, Kagome looked over the photographs. They were barely a few months old. The very last one was the only photo with Tetsura's face in it. She was a plump, homely looking woman that reminded Kagome of Kaede. In the image she was bent over with her lips pressed to Sesshoumaru's brow. Right above his crescent moon.

Her final entry, dated in February of 2005, was a heartfelt goodbye to him. She knew she was too old to keep nursing him and hoped someone else would come along and take care of him like she had. The last line was a request for anyone who found the notebooks to give them to her dreaming angel if he ever awoke.

Silently, Kagome promised she'd do just that.

She closed the notebook and looked over at the figure on the bed. Considering how long he'd been unconscious and the faintness of his aura, she figured once he awoke he would have to relearn how to do everything all over again.

__

Giving physical therapy to a demon who would probably bury his nose in a bedpan rather than accept human help...this should be fun.

Later that night, just as Kagome was preparing for bed, Sesshoumaru had another surge. Kagome hurried to his bedside and used the towel on his pillow to dab the sweat off his brow.

He opened his eyes!

"Sesshoumaru? It's Kagome. Hey..." she moved her hand past his drooping, watery eyes. "Can you follow my hand?"

There was no response.

She tried shining her penlight into his eyes. Sesshoumaru blinked a lot and his pupils reacted to the light, but he wouldn't follow it when she passed it back and forth near his face. His gaze stayed pointed ahead, devoid of focus.

"Can you wiggle your fingers for me?"

Nothing.

Kagome pinched his arm, causing him to grunt and shift his entire body on the mattress.

"Okay...okay...shhh." Taking his hand, she stroked his knuckles in attempt to calm him. Reflex closed his fingers, a movement often mistaken for a conscious reaction by people who didn't understand the mechanics of a coma. Kagome knew he'd grip anything that touched his palms.

The surge ended. Sesshoumaru's eyelids fluttered shut. His hand relaxed and he slipped back into the void.

When morning came, Kagome found Sesshoumaru's eyes open again.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru. Can you hear me?"

Her hopes rose and were dashed in the same instant.

Sesshoumaru's eyes were hollow with an eerie stare. He showed no signs of cognition towards himself or the environment around him. Everything that made him "Sesshoumaru" was still absent. His spontaneous movements, a bunch of primitive, involuntary reflexes, followed the pattern that many outside the medical profession often misinterpreted as conscious responses.

The first was suckling behavior when formula started flowing into his feeding tube. Actually...he tried to suck on anything that touched his lips during a feeding. Kagome found out the hard way when she inserted a large swab to clean his teeth. He bit down and latched on like he was nursing. She had to pull pretty hard to make him let go. Then she had to go finger-fishing inside his mouth because he slurped the cotton right off the stick. For a moment she worried he inhaled it, but at the last second she found it under his tongue.

__

Toothbrush from now on, she noted to herself.

He wrinkled his nose while Kagome changed his foley tube and yawned after she finished. His eyes drifted towards anything bright-colored held near his face, but didn't track if said object was moved back and forth. He'd look at Kagome when she came to his bedside - and anything else that passed his immediate vicinity.

The smile had to be his most unnerving reflex. A mouthful of fangs paired with glassy, lifeless eyes made him look like a harlequin. It also told her he wasn't conscious yet - a conscious Sesshoumaru would _never_ smile at a her.

If spit rolled back in his throat the wrong way, he coughed. He got the hiccups. He even sneezed.

Sometimes he'd moan for no reason. The sounds depended on whether his mouth was open or shut. They were meaningless noises. Muscle contractions in his throat, nothing more.

Sesshoumaru honestly looked perfectly normal, save his eyelids drooped and his mouth sometimes hung open. Even Kagome found it hard to believe his eyes didn't see her whenever they fixed on her while she hooked up his formula or handled some other need. Or, if he did see her, his eyes weren't decoding the information and registering it to his brain. He probably saw everything upside down. And sounds, if he heard them at all, most likely reached him as discordant gibberish. If he ever woke past this point, he'd have no memory of anything that happened to him while wakeful.

"Yeah, I know you don't like this," Kagome said when she clipped his toenails, which never failed to make him squirm around. They grew into points just like his fingernails, and she lived in constant fear that he'd hurt himself - or her - if she left them sharp.

Seeing him vegetative was more painful than completely unconscious. Especially when he started moaning...the moans sounded nothing like his speaking voice. They were low, guttural and unnatural.

He started having spontaneous bowel movements - Kagome discovered this the hard way when she noticed a weird smell coming from his bed. She pulled the sheets down and found a tarry greenish-black mess sitting between his legs. Luckily it was all contained on the material of his yukata. Kagome undressed him, wrinkled her nose and hurried to dump the feces into the toilet and soak the robe in soapy water.

Upon returning she saw his stomach tighten again and quickly got the bedpan under his rear end. He dropped quite a load. And it stunk to hell and back.

"Phew, who fed you beans when I wasn't looking?" Kagome turned Sesshoumaru on his side to clean the residue off his backside. Through the corner of her eye she could see his golden eyes staring blankly at her, forehead wrinkled and mouth slightly open. The humor left her expression. Part of her wished he'd just grab her arm, yank her down to his level and ask her what the hell she thought she was doing.

Having Sesshoumaru empty on his own, Kagome decided, was a lot easier than the other way. It used to be she had to massage his stomach, stick her finger into his rectum and literally drag the poop out. Sometimes his body would "remember" and he'd pass a full load. But most of the time she'd just get a few nuggets.

It wasn't the most fun job in the world. In fact, it was the least appetizing. Most nurses who survived surgical gore ended up gagging at manual bowel disimpaction. Kagome could remember gagging the first time she had to handle this part of Sesshoumaru's care. Ken's stinkers paled in comparison.

__

Duh, it's demon poop.

And then, at lunch after that first time, her, Akemi and Hana ended up trading war stories about code browns. None of them ate much that day.

Kagome shook herself back into the present. She sat Sesshoumaru up to dress him in a clean yukata. He was still a deadweight, head hanging limp against her shoulder.

Tears welled in Kagome's eyes. She wrapped her other arm around Sesshoumaru's neck and hugged him against her chest. His stomach felt a little distended, so she patted his back. He parted his lips and burped softly in her ear. The sound made her giggle through the tears trickling onto her cheeks.

Sesshoumaru stilled. A sigh blew past Kagome's lips. _I wonder how long it's been since somebody held him like this_.

"Don't give up now." She turned to speak directly into his pointed ear, "You're almost awake, Sesshoumaru...just fight a little more, okay? Just a little more."

Somehow, he got a hold of his own braid.

"Take your time. I'll keep taking care of you as long as you need me...I promise." Kagome supported the demon lord's head as she guided him to lay back again. Then she gently pried his hand off his braid. He wound up grasping the wire leading from his pulse cuff to the monitor.

__

He's like a giant newborn baby, her internal voice said. She stroked his head a bit and stared down into his blank eyes, _but less responsive_.

At noon, Sesshoumaru's aura surged. He became extremely agitated. He groaned and rolled his head back and forth for an hour straight. Between bouts of squirming, his eyes shifted around as if following something invisible. Kagome hoped that he wasn't in distress. If he was, she didn't know how to help him.

He got so loud that neighbors knocked on her door. She apologized, explained the situation and regretfully decided it was best to sedate him with an amp of Ativan. Just enough to quiet him down without knocking him out. He spent the next few hours drooling and staring blankly ahead.

For the second time that day Kagome cradled Sesshoumaru in her arms and cried into his silky hair. It all seemed so unfair to him. He was Lord Sesshoumaru - invulnerable, impassive, unbreakable! Why...just why was he lying helpless and stripped of his dignity in her arms? Why did fate have to be so cruel?

Her eyes settled on the morphine and syringe sitting next to the Ativan ampules. She saw herself filling the syringe to the brim, inserting the needle into his arm and pressing the plunger. She saw herself watching him become cyanotic as the morphine suppressed his respirations. She saw herself closing his dilated eyes and looking up to see his spirit glare down at her for giving up too soon.

"No," Kagome shook off the daydream and held him tighter, more to comfort herself than him. "No, I have to keep hoping...you wouldn't give up. You'd want to live, wouldn't you?"

Sesshoumaru just blinked and let his head fall off her shoulder. His pulse throbbed gently under his translucent throat. Gravity pulled his small lips apart and gave her an interesting view of his fangs. His breath smelled like the strawberry-mint salve she used to keep his mouth clean.

"You know...like this...you're almost too precious for words."

Gurgle.

Kagome gave him another light squeeze and laid him down on his side. Tears continued their silent trek down her cheeks, blurring his image.

__

I don't know why I'm talking to him. He doesn't understand a word I'm saying. And I know he's not locked-in because he would've found a way to consistently communicate with me, and he hasn't. She sighed and ran a hand through her black hair, mussing it slightly. _Guess all I can really do is wait_.

She looked out the window to see twilight darkening the sky. When the sun set, he closed his eyes and slept, indicating a sleep-wake cycle.

Morning tossed a whole new problem at Kagome. She could always go to work knowing Sesshoumaru wouldn't do any harm. But now? Now he had the potential to pull out his feeding tube or catheter. He might accidentally suck his pillowcase or a blanket into his mouth and asphyxiate himself. There was a chance he could get all agitated and yell. Or he may suddenly regurgitate his feeding formula and drown. What if Kaoru or another assistant caused his claws to squirt poison? There were a million worst-case scenarios.

She finally warned Kaoru and the others who rotated through her house about Sesshoumaru's condition. All of the information was laid out in notes beside his bed.

The lunches she owed these people became endless.

o0o END OF CHAPTER o0o

-Glossary-

Amp/Ampule - A small sealed container containing a sterile medicinal solution for subcutaneous(under the skin), intramuscular(into a muscle), or intravenous(into a vein) injection.

Cyanotic/Cyanosis - in simple terms, the blue coloring you see when somebody isn't getting enough oxygen.

Decubiti - pressure sores, also known as bedsores. Singular term is decubitus.

GPO - slang for "Good for Parts Only", meaning someone is pretty much brain dead and beyond help.

UTI - urinary tract infection.


	3. Miracles Happen

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 3  
Miracles Happen

o0o

"Hmm, okay." Kagome focused the her silver camcorder on Sesshoumaru's face and slowly approached his bedside, "There you are...since you may not remember this, I thought I'd tape it so I can show it to you later. You've been vegetative for three days now. Vegetative means you're awake, but not 'conscious', as in you can't interact meaningfully with your environment just yet. You've got some reflexes going that make you appear aware, but you're about as aware as a rock. Forgive the bad terminology."

Leaning down, she turned the camera light on. Sesshoumaru turned his face towards it. His pupils contracted and his eyelashes fluttered. He appeared to stare right into the lens.

"You turn to lights or bright colors. It's kind of cute. Yesterday, I wore my hot pink shirt and you were watching me like a hawk." She focused the camera onto herself, catching some footage of her plain striped T-shirt and jeans, "But today, I'm pretty boring, but you seem to like the light, don't you?" She focused again on his face. He'd already turned away. "You move around more when I feed you. Your breakfast should be ready in about - "

The microwave beeped.

"- now."

Kagome placed the camcorder on Sesshoumaru's beside tray and padded over to pull his breakfast mix from the microwave. She attached it to the hook above his bed, set the pump and plugged the port into his button. A small strip of tape secured it so he couldn't pull it out.

"Mmm, Ensure, sushi and protein powder. Ah." Hurrying to the camcorder, Kagome zoomed in on Sesshoumaru's kneading hands. "There you go. You do that whenever you eat...just like a puppy. See? You move more once you eat." Slowly, she moved to sit on the edge of his bed.

Sesshoumaru just yawned, baring his menacing teeth to the world.

"Now, I'm going to demonstrate a few of your reflexes for you. I know it sounds crazy that you react to things without being aware, but I'm going to prove it."

With that, Kagome set the camera back onto the tray, making sure it was focused. Then she moved to the bed, pulled a glove over her hand and gently placed her finger between his parted lips. He started suckling and swallowing immediately. She pried his mouth off her finger, wiped up the drool that followed with a tissue and chucked it into the trash. "Very strong sucking reflex." She used the corner of a new tissue to tickle his eyelashes, causing him to blink. Then she brushed against his actual eyeball. He moaned and turned away, shifting his whole body on the mattress.

She put the tissue down and rubbed his cheek with her thumb. "Okay, okay, shhhh, I won't do that again." Her eyes focused on the camcorder, "That was probably painful, hence the violent reaction."

Kagome cradled his head between her hands, brushed his bangs off his forehead and turned his head completely on its side. His eyes remained fixed, focused on one spot while she tilted his head up and down. "This is the oculocephalic, or doll's eyes reflex. You didn't have this before you were vegetative, so I think it means something good is happening."

"Unnh."

"And those sounds," she settled his head back into a more natural position and combed his bangs down with her fingers, "are random. You aren't in distress." Facing him, she smiled softly when he seemed to stare up at her. There was something oddly beautiful about his amber eyes. "If I blow gently on your face - " she leaned over and did so, making him lunge up and bite the empty air. Just like a dog whenever somebody blew on its snout. " - you do that."

His eyes blinked slowly and drifted towards nothing in particular.

"Now for a little routine...this may be a little embarrassing to watch, Sesshoumaru, but you should know that I handled everything when I took care of you, that includes your bathroom stuff. You go on your own now, but before I had to rub your stomach and stick my finger into a place I won't mention on camera. The trick is catching you before you make a mess. You like to do your business in the morning, so, I kind of worked out a failsafe way to keep the bed clean."

As she spoke, she unfolded an adult diaper, held it up for the camera and slid it up between Sesshoumaru's legs, latching it shut so he couldn't dislodge it prematurely. She pointed his penis up towards his stomach so his catheter tube would come out the top and bent to empty the bag.

"I just put the diaper on to catch your BM. You're not a baby and I refuse to make you suffer the indignity of wearing one of these all day and night. Besides, I know you get rashes easy." She nodded to herself when he showed signs of a BM and scooted up to unbraid his hair. It felt nice to talk to something, even if it was just a camera and the person it was intended for wasn't awake yet. She pulled a brush through his hair and re-styled it into a four strand braid, again showing off to the camera. "I hope you don't mind that I play with your hair. I love how it feels...so soft and smooth."

Sesshoumaru only grunted. Kagome blushed, he just had to have a hard time going the day she decided to film him. _I shouldn't have given him that banana mix last night_. She berated herself as she reached over to push his knees up to his chest. Sometimes that helped clear up a 'log jam', as Hana liked to call them. He struggled a moment more before relaxing again.

Kagome made a face at the smell. "Um...anyway, clean up is a snap one you finish."

He certainly wasn't making any more efforts. She sighed and began to smelly job of pulling off the diaper, washing his rear end and dressing him in a fresh yukata. Today, she decided on a blue one that matched his crescent moon.

Sesshoumaru was really squirmy when Kagome slid the yukata up over his shoulders. She almost had to fight him just to tie the obi and re-attach his pulse cuff. Right after she got his pulse cuff on, he managed to shake it off, which meant another struggle to put it back on a second time. "You're not being a pain on purpose. I doubt you realize what I'm doing...but you sure seem to hate this cuff."

The battle over the cuff ended when Kagome attached it to Sesshoumaru's thumb. It gave him something to grip in his fist.

"And every day," she raised the bedrails just in time to have him moan, flail and bang into them, "you get really agitated." She zoomed in on his face, watching his eyes flicker back and forth. His mouth hung open, baring his fangs. "Okay, I'm going to give you some Ativan to calm you down."

Sesshoumaru groaned. He was getting too loud.

Kagome dumped the camcorder back on the tray. She kept her back to the camera so it wouldn't see the tears pricking in her eyes. Sesshoumaru looked so scared. It was a reflex, but still, she hated it when he gaped at her like she just became a monster about to eat him. Any expression other than cool aloofness seemed strange on his face.

"I don't know what more I can do for you," she rubbed his chest, listening to him whine and groan, "maybe you are conscious and just can't tell me. There's no way to be sure, but I just want you to know that I'll do whatever you need until you're well again. You're...you're safe with me, Sesshoumaru." She fluffed his bangs, "Hopefully you'll wake up soon and be able to tell me where you've been. Please don't let this be as far as you come."

His moaning continued. She poked the needle gently into his wrist and injected the Ativan.

Kagome rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes, her nerves fraying. Her mind flashed back to how Sesshoumaru stilled when she held him against her chest. The thought of holding him still made her uncomfortable. That was _Sesshoumaru_, the human hating demon who tried to kill her within minutes of their first meeting.

She looked slowly over her shoulder at the blinking light on the camcorder. "All right, you might be really offended by what you're about to see me do, but sometimes it's the only way to quiet you down. I'm only human and you have just as much right to compassion as anyone...even if we didn't get along too well in the past. 'kay?"

__

God, I hope he doesn't kill me for this later. Kagome thought bitterly. She moved to the other side of the bed, sat on the edge and cradled Sesshoumaru gently against her chest. He sneezed in her face for her efforts, but luckily he only sprayed her with a thin mist of saliva.

"Gee, thanks..."

Gold eyes turned towards her. They blinked before drifting away again.

Her frown melted, "You're still so precious like this."

He arched his back as if it hurt. His hands curled like claws. Even worse, Kagome saw tears brim in his eyes and trickle down his face. Crying was a reflex, too, but on Sesshoumaru it just looked so _wrong_.

"Shhh," She stroked his cheek and rocked him back and forth. "Shhh, you're safe. You're safe. Shhh...don't cry."

The Ativan kicked in, quieting him. He relaxed into her arms as his face assumed the same slack-jawed expression as the famed Terri Schiavo in America. The dopey look didn't suit his pretty visage at all. Kagome used the towel on his pillow to wipe his cheeks dry. He closed his mouth and made soft whining noises just like a lost dog.

"It's okay, you're okay, shhh," Kagome kept rocking Sesshoumaru, gazing down into his eyes when he turned his head towards her voice. Instinct prompted her to smile at him. She honked the end of his nose, laid him down on his side and used his pelt to prop him in position.

Sesshoumaru became quiet after that. Laying him on his side seemed to have the same effect as turning a shark on its back. He gazed ahead through eyes that blinked, but did not see. Kagome folded his pillow-towel in half and tucked it under his cheek. Just in time to catch the waterfall of spittle that poured through his parted lips. "You like to drool. A lot. But I wouldn't expect much less from a dog demon...just don't start spitting miasma."

Then she pinned his hands down and clipped his fingernails, a precaution so he wouldn't accidentally slash himself or his equipment. She had to do this daily, because no matter how short she cut his nails, they were points again by morning. Thankfully his toenails grew a lot slower and only needed trims once a week. As she worked, she was careful not to put pressure on the second joints of his fingers. She only made that mistake once, and barely dodged the poisonous acid he expelled by reflex.

Kagome loved Sesshoumaru's hands. His fingers reminded her of delicate jellyfish tentacles, so long and narrow with tapered ends. She set the clippers aside, squeezed a little lotion onto her palm and massaged it gently into his smooth skin.

"Pretty soon," Kagome began, "I'm going to start charging you for these manicures I give you."

Sesshoumaru coughed. Then he yawned and snuffled. Kagome held a tissue up to his nose in time for him to sneeze again. She cleared his nostrils with a blue bulb syringe and gently washed his face with a damp washcloth.

A sigh blew past Kagome's lips. She placed a rolled up washcloth against Sesshoumaru's palms to give him something to grip. His eyes flickered up towards her face. They seemed to look right through her, through the wall behind her and off into space. He smacked his lips, sighed and stilled again.

She tucked a rogue strand of silver behind his pointed ear, "This is about what it's like all day. When the sun goes down, you sleep. I hope that one day...one day soon you'll open your eyes and be fully conscious. I...kinda miss you and your arrogant glares, that little huff you do...mmh, I'm rambling aren't I?"

Climbing to her feet, Kagome walked over and shut the camcorder off.

o0o

"Ken's cleaned up, Vicky just ate lunch and...geez," Hana plopped her pile of charts into the outbox and turned around. Her braid swung like a pendulum behind her back. "You look beat, Kagome."

Kagome wiped traces of sleep from her eyes, yawned and focused drowsily on Hana, "Sesshou spiked a fever right after I finished the video tape yesterday. I spent all day icing him and trying to keep him quiet." She sighed deeply, "He was so much easier to deal with when all he did was lay there."

Hana took her glasses off and used a tissue to wipe them clean. "So he's an active veggie?"

"Very, especially when I feed him. He's...almost cute...in a twisted way." A giggle bubbled in Kagome's chest, "Sometimes I feel like coming to work is where I get the most rest. Fortunately, Sesshou goes right to sleep at sunset and doesn't make a peep until sunrise. So I can sleep through the night. But that fever...it hung on until after two before it broke."

"That's rough. So who is staying over there right now?"

She said, "Oh, it's Rumi from the ICU ward at the hospital. She was in my college class a million years ago. Ishiro's going to relieve her after lunch so she can go to work. Kaoru goes over tomorrow."

"Ah -" Hana's beeper went off before she could reply. She frowned and examined it, "Mm, it's my dad. I better go call him up and see what he wants." Yet the second Hana picked up the phone, a call light lit up. The plain woman sighed as if to say 'our work never ends' and hurried off to answer the beep.

Kagome shook her head, wrote Hana a note as a reminder to call her dad and turned her attention to her computer. She brought up Yahoo Japan and typed in 'persistent vegetative state'. The results showed several pages saying pretty much the same thing. Annoyed, she ran searches through medical journals and found a translated article written by an American neurologist named S. Allen Counter.

..._I found that, although her eyes were open and moving from side to side with her head, there was no brain response to visual input. Similarly, mild electrical stimulation in the fingers and toes traveled up the spinal cord to the brain stem, but no farther in the absence of the cerebral hemispheres._

I was astounded, however, that when I turned on a child's music box in the room, I observed that this hydranencephalic patient turned toward the musical device and began to smile and make sounds, as if she were enjoying the experience. I then tested this observation several times and found a consistent response to sound stimulation. When I conducted a test of electrical activity in her brain stem, the portion of the brain that controls bodily functions like breathing, I was surprised to find that the neurons of the brain stem involved with hearing were normal.

Several more advanced electrophysiological brain measures showed that she had normal hearing response waves, reflecting neural activity in the higher brain stem. She was aware at some level of the sounds and people noises in her environment, and responded to these sounds with the appearance of joyfulness.

I immediately brought her other doctors back into the room, where they began to interact with her in a totally different manner, in some cases holding her hand and trying to speak with her, and treating her more like a normally functioning human being. I was so emotionally moved by her struggle for human definition through the single modality of hearing that I went down to a local electronics shop and bought her an audio cassette player, and some modern and classical music.

She continued to appear to enjoy the audio cassette player and her music until her death some years later.

This patient demonstrated the dilemma we face in determining whether people in an apparent persistent vegetative state, who by all objective measure have little or no function in the cerebral hemispheres, have any residual human capacity that would persuade us to sustain their lives, even by artificial means.

Her case was a reminder of how much we do not understand about the brain, and that even people in an apparent vegetative state may have ways of connecting to the world around them...

Hope and curiosity bubbled in Kagome's stomach like carbonation. The article was written about a woman with hydroanencephaly, a condition where the cerebral cortex and most areas of the brain responsible for consciousness and cognition failed to form. And yet there was still some small form of awareness there.

Sesshoumaru's brain was completely intact with uninterrupted blood flow to all areas. The only thing missing was the electrical impulses typically present in a normal, active, living cerebral cortex.

Ideas for another experiment planted themselves in Kagome's mind. Then a call light from Ken called her away.

Six hours later found Kagome walking in on Ishiro hooking Sesshoumaru up to his dinner. Ishiro was a tall, gangly, middle-aged man that reminded her slightly of Miroku.

"Hey, Ishiro, hi, Sesshou." She waved as she slipped her shoes off and approached Sesshoumaru's bed. "How did it go today?"

"Real good, he's in a quiet phase right now. Rumi said to tell you he threw up a little when she fed him lunch, but couldn't find the detergent. She tried to rinse the yukata as best as she could, but it may smell like bile until it's washed." Ishiro put his hand up when Kagome's eyes widened, "Don't worry, he didn't aspirate."

"Okay," she said, relaxing with a sigh, "Thanks a lot. I think I'll take it from here."

Ishiro flashed a quick smile. He offered Sesshoumaru a quick goodbye and headed out. His shift at the home was due to start in half an hour.

Kagome watched Sesshoumaru knead a towel while changing out of her scrubs and into a tank top and shorts. Dying sunlight filtered through the picture window behind Sesshoumaru's bed and cast beams of light across his silver hair. After she finished changing, she walked back to his bedside.

"Hey there."

Sesshoumaru's eyelids fluttered, but the bright light against the wall had his eyes 'trapped'. She closed the blinds and instantly his eyes were all over the place, but finally he stilled with half-closed eyelids.

"Sesshoumaru."

Again his eyelids fluttered.

Kagome said a number of random words like peanut butter, light, encephalitis, zoo, animal, paper. Sesshoumaru never distinguished between the words. But his eyes always flickered. She noticed he did that when she talked or made noises around him. A consistent response different than turning his head or making moaning sounds.

__

So maybe that article is right. Maybe he can hear, just not understand...not yet anyway. Just like that lady.

Now more hopeful than ever, Kagome scrambled for her portable CD player and miniature speakers. It was leftover from her old car that didn't have a CD player. She placed a classical CD into the disc holder and carried it to the demon lord's bedside. The second she turned it on, his heart rate increased by five beats. He stiffened and turned towards the speakers.

She turned the music off. He went right back to squirming aimlessly. She flipped the music back on and he instantly stilled. He even smiled.

This amazing little discovery did not mean Sesshoumaru was aware or conscious. Not by any stretch. He couldn't distinguish a voice from music or banging pots and pans, he still did not understand or comprehend language, but his most primitive hearing centers were active. He wasn't entirely unreachable.

"I knew there was something there." Kagome leaned on the edge of the bed and watched Sesshoumaru shift around. "Of course, you can't tell my voice from the music...but that doesn't matter." She tucked a strand of his silver hair behind his ear, "You can hear."

Sesshoumaru's response was to let off a soft burp that smelled like bile and sushi. Kagome just giggled and cleaned his teeth to get the icky scent out of his breath.

The next morning, Kagome had Ishiro help her transfer Sesshoumaru into a wheelchair. Ishiro had to strap him down due to his tendency to flail. Seeing the demon lord buckled down in a chair did strange things to Kagome's heart. She found it easier to look at him that way if she pretended not to know him.

Together, Ishiro and Kagome wheeled Sesshoumaru out onto the patio where the sounds of the city were loud and clear. Sesshoumaru, who had been moving around in response to the change in position, sat perfectly still. The wide-eyed look on his face was something similar to a small child with a favorite toy. A very odd response coming from a person who barely changed his expression in the past.

Kagome forced herself to acknowledge that Sesshoumaru was still deeply unconscious. He would have no memory of anything he heard while vegetative.

"I'll see you in a few hours," she said in his ear. Turning to Ishiro, she continued, "Put him back in bed if he gets too wiggly. I only work a half-day, so I'll see you around three or so."

"Sure thing. Sesshou and I will probably watch TV or something." came Ishiro's soft reply. "I'll see you when you get back."

That day, Kagome worked so hard she had no time to think about Sesshoumaru or what kind of noises to play for him next. By the time she got home she was so tired that she fell asleep right after feeding him his evening meal.

Over the next few days she added music to his usual morning routine of a bath, a feeding and fixing his hair. Mozart worked so well at calming the demon that he never needed the Ativan.

Days and nights blended together. Time had once again become an indistinguishable blur. Kagome spent most of it in varying states of exhaustion, her only relief being sleep.

o0o

The alarm woke Kagome from another dream about the past. She trudged groggily to mix up a bag of liquefied food - pureed salmon mixed in with a can of Ensure - and hooked Sesshoumaru up to his breakfast. Inuyasha's sarcastic voice was still in her ear when she made herself presentable and sat down to empty the cath bag.

Sunrise waited just a minute away, painting the sky above the skylight a pretty mauve. Soon color would return to her living room like a space in time recovering from a long hibernation.

It had been a week since Sesshoumaru passed from comatose to vegetative. Not a day went by without his eyes opening the second the sky in the skylight turned blue.

Kagome peeled off the Velcro and plastic braces holding Sesshoumaru's hands and feet in a fixed position. She rotated his wrists and ankles a bit, then bent his knees and elbows so his joints wouldn't freeze up. A listen with the stethoscope let her know his chest was clear. His blood pressure held steady, though low.

As night faded she watched the colors of dawn repaint his familiar features. He stopped snoring, but his eyes stayed closed. Sometimes he didn't stir until well after dawn.

"It's morning," she heard herself whispering to him. She always let him know whether it was morning or night. "Sleep good?"

His eyes moved beneath the lids, but no response was forthcoming.

"I miss you," her voice cracked a little. Talking to him didn't feel as silly as it used to, now that she knew he could sort of hear her.

Silence.

"Oh, so I'm boring? Well...guess you're going to be bored with me all day."

Yes, it was true. Today was her first day off in several months. Her first full, uninterrupted day with Sesshoumaru. She didn't know what to make of it. His care didn't allow for sleeping in or going out for long shopping trips...not that she could afford to splurge anyhow.

The morning routine continued with her shampooing Sesshoumaru's hair and brushing it dry. Leaving it in a braid so much made it fall in shiny waves across her hands. She found that combing his long tresses often placed her in a relaxed state. No matter how nasty her dreams were, running a comb through his hair until it shone like silver silk brought her comfort.

Memories of the first notebook entry where his hair was falling out bit into her thoughts. When he was found, his hair had grown longer than he was tall. A lot needed to be hacked off just to free him from the roots.

Tetsura had to shave Sesshoumaru's head, but his hair grew right back once his health improved. He looked pretty strange, even alien, in the photos showing his bald head and lack of eyebrows or eyelashes. She did find him a lot of neat little hats to keep his head warm. Several stocking caps, a derby, even a fedora that made him look very charming after his eyebrows and eyelashes grew back.

Kagome remembered giggling at the one depicting him wearing a baseball cap with "LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE!" embroidered on the front. He had another one that simply said "Woof.". The text was in English on both and Kagome realized Tetsura probably didn't speak English well enough to know what the hats actually said. Or how true both were.

The baseball caps reminded Kagome of the times she made Inuyasha wear one to cover his fluffy dog ears.

It took ten years for Sesshoumaru's silver tresses to reach their original glory, all healthy and silky. Regular trims kept it from reaching out of control lengths. The photos depicting it growing back proved entertaining. For a long time, Sesshoumaru sported a head full of silver spikes. With his facial markings and spiky hair he resembled a rave punk. As time passed the spikes began to lay down in soft waves that formed his characteristic parted bangs. He was himself again.

Funny how there was no mention of Bakusaiga or Tenseiga. Neither were with Sesshoumaru's belongings. So that meant they were stolen or he hid them.

A soft sigh made its way past Kagome's lips as she came back to the present. She finished Sesshoumaru's braid off with a white hair band, looping it expertly until it was secure. Then she inclined the head of the bed a little to help him digest his breakfast and coiled the damp silver rope against the headboard. It still reminded her of a serpent ready to strike.

She eased Sesshoumaru free of his wrinkled yukata, spread towels around his body and filled a wash-basin with warm water. Using Dove soap and a washcloth, she washed him off one section at a time, following each wash and rinse with a pass of the towel to dry him. This was normally a job for two people, but Kagome could manage Sesshoumaru by herself.

"_Fukai, fukai mori..._" She sang along with Do As Infinity on the radio while she worked.

Warm water made Sesshoumaru squirm and pee a lot. He probably went four times during his bath. Kagome suspected it was a "puppy reflex" that made his body think his mother was licking him clean, thus prompting him to empty his bladder every time the wet washcloth touched anywhere near his pelvic region. He didn't evacuate his bowels when Kagome washed his rear end, but she had the bedpan ready just in case.

"Ooh, I know, now you're all cold aren't you?" Kagome said when he shivered. "Yeah, that's the part that sucks about ending a bath, getting out and dry." She ran a fresh towel all over his skin just to make sure she had him completely dry. Then she dressed him in a gorgeous yukata with red roses printed on a white background.

Kagome moistened a toothbrush and lifted Sesshoumaru's upper lip to clean his teeth, making sure he couldn't close his mouth and suckle - but today he didn't even try. Maybe he was still in sleep mode. She shrugged and continued his oral maintenance. Each tooth had the slightest point while his inch-long incisors stole the show. She took extra care to get between them and massage his gums. His teeth grew back when his hair did, according to the journals. A few photos revealed they all grew in at once instead of one at a time like on a baby.

Sesshoumaru drooled after she finished. She mopped it up with the paper towel and gently pushed his mouth into a dignified state of closure.

"Mm, still asleep? And the sun's up. You're getting lazy, Sesshoumaru." Kagome joked.

Sesshoumaru's forehead wrinkled. His nostrils flared. Kagome noticed his neck was bent at an odd angle, so she pulled the pillow down to give him better support. When she touched him, her skin tingled.

__

That's funny, his aura...I think it tried to touch me.

"Sesshoumaru?"

The phone rang, startling Kagome from her stupor. She groaned to herself as she dragged her sleepy body over to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's Hana. Did I wake you up?"

"No, I've been up for awhile." Kagome returned to Sesshoumaru's bedside. His eyes were still closed and he moved his fingers when she petted his wrist. His aura continued to make her skin tingle. "Just gave Sesshou a bath and some breakfast. He's comfy." She frowned. "Hey, are you okay? You sound down. Something happen?"

Whooshing sounds as Hana sighed into the receiver. "Miki just died."

A lump swelled in Kagome's throat. "Oh, Hana! I'm so sorry! Do you need me to come down?"

"No, no, it's your day off. I'm okay, just kind of in a funk. Life will go on." Something clicked in the background. "She was my favorite patient is all. Always so happy and vibrant. She went in her sleep."

Kagome, without thinking, drew a few shapeless patterns on Sesshoumaru's upturned palm while listening to Hana tell her about Miki's funeral arrangements. She pretended his fingertips were piano keys and gently pressed each in turn as if playing a tune. Then she hooked her index finger around his, rubbing her thumb over the back of his fingertip. As usual, he gripped her hand.

" - her mom is just so devastated that she sat here with her all night only to have her die during the one minute she got up to use the bathroom. Hold on -" Hana's voice had the quiver of held-back tears. "Shh, it's okay, Naoko." She spoke briefly to Miki's mother.

"Oh, God, her poor mom. Give her an extra hug for me." Kagome faced away from the bed to gaze up at the skylight.

"I did." Hana returned to the phone. "She'll be okay. It's as much a relief as it is painful."

"Yeah." Kagome chewed on her bottom lip. She knew the cognitive dissonance between missing someone and being glad they finally had peace all too well. "Is Miki still in the room?"

"No, they're moving her to the morgue right now - " another voice mumbled something in the background. The phone shuffled for a minute before Hana came back, "I gotta go, they need me to sign her off and help her mom do paperwork. I'll give you a call if I need you here."

"Sure, no problem. Again, I'm really sorry about Miki. She was a sweetie."

"Thanks." Hana's voice cracked. "Bye."

"Bye." She clicked the off button with a soft beep.

__

Poor Hana, she was really fond of Miki. It's hard when patients you really like die.

Kagome pulled her hand away from Sesshoumaru's. His hand was locked around hers, as it sometimes did when his gripping reflexes kicked in. Grumbling, she turned around to pry herself loose. She almost dropped the phone when he grabbed her wrist and nearly pulled her down onto the bed. His eyes were open, his long eyelashes moist with sleep goop.

"Hey!" Kagome shook her arm, but his hand clung like iron. "That hurts! Let go!"

He squeezed tighter, and then his fingers released their grip.

It was the first time he ever responded to a direct verbal command.

Kagome stared. _Was that a fluke?_

She touched his palm, causing him to grasp her hand again.

"Good, now let go."

Again, he released her hand. He wrinkled his nose. His eyes blinked slowly.

"...move your legs."

Nothing happened for several moments. Then, slowly, his legs shifted under the blanket.

"Bend your left leg."

Again, a good thirty seconds passed...but his left leg slowly bent.

__

He's responding!

Kagome's first impulse was to shout his name and try to get his attention, yet doing so had the potential to over stimulate him. The first hours out of a coma were delicate. She retreated to rip a bright pink post-it note from above the phone and held it slightly above the line of his sight.

Sesshoumaru didn't react. Kagome moved the pink paper closer. When it was six inches away, he blinked suddenly, as if startled, and raised his eyes an inch to fix it in his gaze. She pulled the paper back to arm's length. He searched until she brought it back to six inches, then he zeroed in on it like a sniper's laser.

__

He's seeing at six inches or so...

Pulling the post-it note back again, Kagome moved it over to his left - the side furthest from her, and held it near his face. He turned his head and focused on it. She lifted the tiny pad of paper in an arc, stopping directly over his head. He purposely tracked it, his stare remaining steady until she pulled it back. Then his eyes drifted shut.

Excitement nearly clenched her throat. If he was following objects and obeying commands, that meant he'd regained consciousness. One final test would prove it for sure.

"Sesshoumaru?"

Twin amber pools opened and sought her voice. He blinked in slow motion. His gaze lacked focus, but his eyes had a light behind them that wasn't there the day before.

__

He recognizes his name...that's the best sign of all.

"Hey. It's Kagome. Remember me? I used to hang around with Inuyasha." She moved a little closer, heart thudding hard in her ears.

He followed her movement. When she reached his level, close enough to feel his breath puff on her cheek, he focused on her face. His forehead wrinkled a little and he sniffed a few times. Instead of giving her a typical 'die-you-worthless-human' glare he just let his sleepy eyes wander over her features.

"I'm older now, that's why I look a little different, but it's still me." Kagome rested her elbows on the mattress and met his gaze. His eyes painfully reminded her of Inuyasha.

Sesshoumaru twitched an eyebrow, clearly confused. He made no attempt to speak, but his lips were parted. With agonizing slowness he turned his head to peer up at the bag of formula hanging above the bed.

"It's your food." She explained, adjusting the stand lower so he could see it better. "Do you understand me? Blink twice if you do."

Gilded eyes flicked back onto her. He winked both eyes twice, slowly. Then he turned towards his pelt, which Kagome used to pad the bedrail so he wouldn't bruise himself banging against it. He stretched his hand out, his arm boneless. It just kind of flopped down on top of the fur. He didn't have the coordination to lift and pull it close.

"Ah, your fluffy." Kagome moved the pelt closer where Sesshoumaru could see it clearly. He wrapped his arm possessively around the soft fur, glaring with watery eyes as if offended by her childish reference to his precious heirloom.

"Well excuuuuse me, I don't know what else to call it."

He still glowered, lips pursed into a thin line. It made him look more like himself if she ignored his moist eyelashes.

"Okay, sorry! I won't call it a fluffy anymore." She touched the button on the bedrail to raise the head of his bed a little more.

Sesshoumaru blinked. Suddenly, his eyes glowed bloody red. His facial stripes became jagged and he bared his teeth with a dangerous growl. Kagome quickly realized she forgot to warn him the bed could move. He remained visibly upset even after the mattress stopped rising.

"Oh! I'm sorry! I forgot to warn you. The bed can move to sit you up. It's okay, you're not going to be dumped off." She tapped the bars gently, "It has rails. Shhh, relax, you won't fall. I promise."

The demonic glow left his eyes and his features relaxed. His hand moved off the pelt to touch the rail. He focused on the red pulse cuff for a minute, disregarded it and let his gaze wander up to the skylight. He had to open his eyes wide in order to look up that far. Kagome had only seen them half-lidded in eternal boredom. She found his golden eyes looked strangely innocent this way, when his long lashes nearly touched his eyebrows.

Kagome pulled away to dial the phone again. Sesshoumaru followed her every move until she walked away from his bedside and disappeared around the wall across the room.

"Hana? Guess who just woke up..."


	4. The Language of Silence

o0o

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Embrace the Silence

Chapter 4  
The Language of Silence

o0o

After talking excitedly with Hana about Sesshoumaru, Kagome hung up and returned to find the demon lord's eyes closed. He slept silently, his soft breathing undisturbed by her voice when she called his name.

She sighed and opened the cupboard above the sink. One of her plastic drinking cups fell out. It clattered on the floor.

Sesshoumaru's eyes were open when Kagome glanced up at him.

"Sorry," she said. "I'm bugging you, aren't I?"

He squinted, trying to see her clearly. All at once, he tried to push himself up on his elbows, but his brain couldn't tell his body how to coordinate his arms. He grunted, struggled and finally sagged after a few moments. From where she stood, Kagome saw his chest heaving and the throbbing of the pulse in his neck.

"Oh...Sesshoumaru, wait." She ran up to the bed and took hold of his shoulders. The valiant attempt he made at resisting confirmed her earlier suspicions about his needing physical therapy. "No, no, don't try to get up right now."

Sesshoumaru shot her an icy, but equally sleepy glare.

"Here, see this?" Kagome picked up the bed's control pad from where it dangled by its wire and held it close to Sesshoumaru's face. "The green buttons adjust the bed. See? Just push the up button to sit up," she pointed to it, "and the down button to lay flat. Which do you want?"

Operating the bed was a simple task for a fully conscious person. For someone minutes out of a centuries-long coma that didn't know a thing about electronics? It took Sesshoumaru nearly a full minute to even _notice_ the control pad, and another minute went by before he looked up to acknowledge her instructions. He finally stuck his hand out and his knuckles touched the down button.

Kagome smiled. "You want to lay down?"

He nodded.

"There." She helped him lay the bed flat. "Better now?"

Sesshoumaru's gaze stayed fixed on her face. Suddenly, he grabbed her forearm and pulled it closer to his face. Kagome froze, but all he did was slowly sniff the underside of her wrist.

__

Why would he - oh!

"I'm wearing lavender perfume today. Do you like it?"

His fingers relaxed and his eyes lost focus. She watched his red eyelids flutter shut. He was asleep again in less than a minute.

Kagome carefully moved her arm out from under his hand and pulled the blankets up to his chest.

He didn't wake up for the rest of the day.

o0o

Twenty four hours had passed. Sesshoumaru was noticeably more alert - evidenced by his eyes being much brighter than the previous day. He saw a lot better and tracked Kagome's movements throughout the apartment. The delay between her giving instructions and his response all but vanished. He could process more information and follow more complicated commands.

Kagome called in sick for work because she couldn't risk leaving another assistant alone with the now-conscious Sesshoumaru. She gave Hana orders to NOT let anybody from the home come crowding into her apartment. The last thing Sesshoumaru needed was a crowd of humans staring at him like a laboratory experiment. He wasn't able to sit up, lift his head or turn over, but one squirt of his poisonous claws could spell disaster. She didn't dare risk it.

Kagome found her whole world had metamorphosed in the time it took Sesshoumaru to wake up. He was aware now. His senses were working. He could respond. That meant he wouldn't appreciate her cradling him or holding his hand. She could only touch him when his care required it, and for the life of her she didn't know why the thought created a lump in her throat.

And at the moment, she was explaining Sesshoumaru's situation to him while she hooked up his morning meal of pureed beef followed by a protein supplement and water.

"You've been unconscious for a long time. Centuries." Kagome lowered to his level once she finished. She maintained eye contact, measuring his response.

Sesshoumaru twitched his eyebrow.

"Thirty years ago, some people wanted to cut down trees to build something. They stumbled onto you. You were in pretty bad shape..." And she went on to tell the whole story, trying to keep her words simple and give him time to absorb information before moving on. She considered showing him the photos, but changed her mind. Best not to tell him unless he asked.

He continued to watch her, his arm clutching the pelt. Just like a little kid greedily holding a favorite toy. Only his eyes were visible above the tuft of fluff. If he reacted at all to what Kagome just told him, it didn't show.

Kagome also noticed Sesshoumaru had no muscle tone anywhere. His head was slowly tipping sideways and his cheek would be on his shoulder if something wasn't done. She sighed softly, reaching over to lift his head and tug a corner of the pillow over his shoulder. He actually nipped at her finger when her hand came close to his mouth.

"Hey," she pressed her palm to his chin to keep his mouth shut. "No biting. I'm not going to hurt you."

Then she settled his head back against the pillow. It tipped sideways, but the corner on his shoulder kept his neck from hyper-extending. His braid tumbled across his chest. He looked down at it like 'oh, that's my hair?'

"I know you have a lot of pride - " but his attention stayed on the braid and she had to call his name to regain his eyes, " - but if you let me work with you, you'll be able to do everything you used to. Walk, talk, fight, eat. It's called physical therapy."

Eyebrow twitch. When she didn't speak, he did it again. Clearly telling her to continue.

"It'll involve a lot of touching. People manipulating your arms, legs, fingers and toes until your body remembers how to do these things on its own. A lot of activities will seem silly and embarrassing, but they have purpose." She breathed in slowly, "It won't happen overnight, I'll be honest. It could take months, even years. But if you work with us and cooperate I believe you'll bounce back to full health with no after effects."

Sesshoumaru focused on the skylight without giving any indication he heard what Kagome said. His eyes drifted to half-mast as if in a trance. He kept kneading at his pelt.

Kagome looked up at the skylight as well, eyes narrowed in thought. _I just hope he doesn't have any brain damage that didn't show up on the scans_.

Slight movements caught her peripheral vision. Sesshoumaru's hand fumbled under the blanket. The Foley bag jiggled. His lips scrunched, forming fine lines around his small mouth. Questioning eyes turned to the young woman at his bedside.

"Don't pull on that." Fire lit behind her cheeks. "Ummm...yeah, that's the embarrassing tube. It's a catheter and it catches your pee so it doesn't go all over the bed. I need to check you down there once a day to make sure it isn't getting infected. I'll see about removing the cath and get you a cup to use tomorrow."

He gave her a hard stare with eyes like twin ice diamonds.

"Look, I know it's embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as it would be to wet all over yourself like a baby." Kagome pinched the bridge of her nose between thumb and forefinger. "It's not like I haven't seen you completely naked before. I've dressed, bathed you and changed your catheter a dozen times. You don't have anything I haven't seen before."

The eyes widened a little, then narrowed.

She sighed again. "It's just something I have to check and clean to make sure you stay healthy. I see it as just another body part, like a finger or a kneecap. I'd never touch you improperly without your consent and I'd be angry at anyone else who tried. But that means you have to let me know if you're having a problem down there."

Sesshoumaru took his hand away from the blankets. He turned his face fully towards her, gazing up with both eyes instead of just one. One corner of his mouth curled upwards, a puff of air flaring his nostrils. She wished she knew what he was thinking right then.

Kagome grasped Sesshoumaru's wrists. His hands were like limp noodles when she lifted his forearms a few inches. She stuck her fingers against his palms. "Try and make fists for me. Squeeze my fingers once you do...take your time."

A tight-lipped tension came over his pale features. Every movement he made seemed like a great effort to him. The long, tapered digits curled inward. His smooth palms closed around her fingers.

"Now don't let me pull my fingers out."

She started pulling. He resisted beautifully, clinging on while she pulled his hands clear off the bed.

Even though Sesshoumaru's expression remained stoic, Kagome saw a determined fire behind his eyes.

"Sesshoumaru..." She wiggled her fingers to make him let go, smiled and unhooked the pulse cuff. "I think you're going to be just fine. We can start physical therapy sometime next week."

The demon lord frowned at her. His face said 'now'.

Kagome shook her head. "You need more time to let yourself adjust to being awake...you can't even hold your head up."

His drooping eyes stayed fixed on hers. She leaned over, pulling the blanket up to his chest. He shifted at her touch, squinted and nodded his head towards the ceiling.

She followed his stare. "Oh, that's the skylight. It's like a window in the ceiling. Don't worry, there's glass to keep the rain out. Is it too bright for you?"

He gave his head a slight shake.

"Okay." Kagome fussed over his blankets until they were smooth.

Sesshoumaru blinked and let his face relax again to deadpan. He moved his left leg around under the sheets, but he only had as much coordination as a newborn baby. The strain showed in the frown upon his brow.

Watching him, Kagome waited to determine the purpose of his movement. She noticed he kept pushing on the furthest bedrails with his left foot.

"Mm, I see, you want to be on your side?"

A steady gaze.

"Okay. But I'm going to lay the bed down first. It's going to hum a bit." After Kagome laid the bed flat, she lifted the blanket off Sesshoumaru's body and gently grasped his left shoulder and hip. She pulled him towards herself, "now slide your left leg forward - ah, that's great," and secured pillows behind his back so he wouldn't accidentally roll back over.

He rooted his hands and feet to his pelt, letting his droopy eyes flicker lazily around the room. They came back to her and he raised a brow.

"You're in my home right now. I know it's not very big, but ...well we can't be picky when money's tight." She rubbed his shoulder. Or she did until he growled at her. "Hey now, don't be like that."

Sesshoumaru exhaled noisily, closed his eyes and relaxed. He was asleep in minutes, snoring softly in the silence. Staying awake seemed difficult for him, but in the next few days the stupor would absolve and he would be alert enough to start therapy.

o0o

Kagome guided Sesshoumaru down the long nursing home corridor. He sat gracefully in the transport wheelchair with his nose in the air, all stuck up about having his own mobile throne.

Sesshoumaru looked regal regardless of his attire or his surroundings. He wore a white hooded pullover and gray sweats with his hair gathered in a loose ponytail at the nape of his neck. The sneakers Kagome put on his feet wouldn't stay on for more than five minutes. He kept working them off and kicking them away, so she finally tucked them into the mesh pouch on the back of the chair and let him sit there in his socks.

The female nurses in the home giggled as Sesshoumaru was wheeled past them. It had been awhile since someone more attractive than Dr. Yakamoto came through their floor.

Kagome worried the human scents would upset Sesshoumaru, but he didn't show it if they did. His eyes studied the walls and faces of people he passed. Sometimes he wrinkled his nose if they passed a room where somebody needed a change. His gaze followed equipment being wheeled past.

A nurse wheeled a crash cart into the hall, followed by a ventilator. Kagome paused beside it to get a drink from the drinking fountain.

Sesshoumaru leaned over to peer closely at the square object with its wires, dials, buttons and switches. He sniffed the handle and prodded it to examine the metal underside. Then he looked towards Kagome and arched a slender brow.

"Ah," Kagome barely avoided giggling at his curious expression. "That's a defibrillator paddle. When somebody's heart starts to fibrillate, or quiver instead of beat properly, we use both paddles together to deliver an electric shock that stabilizes it. It's a wonderful invention, it's saved a lot of lives."

He nodded. His hand then moved over to brush the coiled aquamarine and white ventilator tubes. He still didn't have control of his fingers, so his hands remained curled and he tired very easily. Kagome had to help him place his hands back into his lap.

"And that's a ventilator. It helps people breathe when they can't breathe on their own."

The eyebrow went up again. He tilted his head, watching her.

She chuckled at his curiosity. "They stick a tube down your throat...intubation with an endotracheal tube...and hook it to this end - " she held up the plastic curve where the two vent tubes met, " - and it forces the air right to your lungs. The downside is people can't talk with one of these in, since the tube goes into your mouth. You were on one of these right after the construction crew found you."

Sesshoumaru's hand drifted to his throat. His tapered fingertips dipped into the dimpled tracheostomy scar, where they paused. He stared up at her, blinking, his brow drawn into a vexed frown.

Kagome set the ventilator tubing down. "That...yeah...it's a tracheostomy scar." She knelt in front of his seated form, peering up into his gold eyes with her dark ones. "After they took the tube out of your mouth, your throat collapsed. They had to surgically insert a special tube into your windpipe so you wouldn't suffocate. Once your airway reopened and you could breathe with the trach covered, they removed it and allowed the stoma to close."

He covered the scar with his fingers. His face blanched for a second. Scars. Again, he stared at her, his lips parted. One could almost see a question mark draw itself across his expression.

"It's not ugly and it's not as visible as you might think. It's a dimple, that's all." She smiled a little, reassuringly, "Most people don't even notice it. And if they do, they wouldn't know what it's from unless they knew about trachs."

Her explanation seemed to appease the upset demon. He nodded once and closed his eyes, exhaling noisily. She stepped behind the chair and began pushing it forward into the corridor.

They reached the split in the hall. Sesshoumaru put his feet down to stop the chair and gestured at the wall. Kagome paused to see at what caught his attention. It was an ancient wall scroll with scenes of medieval Japan. Views of a fantastic castle from the edge of a lush forest stared at her. A figure outlined in white stood at the front window like a last-minute addition. Kagome moved around the chair and found Sesshoumaru gazing longingly at the painting. The shape was him. Above the castle, written in the red setting sun, was a haiku about a demon who once ruled the west.

His castle. A haiku about him.

Sesshoumaru's eyes slowly turned from the image to Kagome. They were pained, but the emotion passed in a flicker. He placed his feet back on the footrests and arched a brow.

Kagome stepped behind him and pushed the chair towards the therapy room. "Yeah...I know. I miss it too."

o0o

A few tests quickly revealed Sesshoumaru's cognitive abilities were all intact. He could do basic math, read, spell, remember and solve problems. His fine-motor skills, on the other hand, were pretty poor. He had trouble picking small objects up between two fingers. He struggled to manipulate shaped blocks into their proper holes. He couldn't raise individual fingers. He completely failed to hold a pencil properly. He kept dropping his chopsticks. Such simple tasks that once required little thought, and he couldn't do them. He'd have to learn how to write and feed himself with chopsticks all over again.

Sesshoumaru proved his ability to swallow liquids properly by sipping water from a glass when asked. He turned his nose up when instructed to try a piece of cherry jello. Kagome figured he was suspicious because he smelled cherries and saw jiggly cubes instead of the actual fruit.

"Look, it's not poisoned or anything. It's jello." She sighed and made him watch her eat a spoonful.

He still wouldn't touch it.

Kagome rolled her eyes. She turned to Akemi before she could sneak out the door. "Let's try ice cream instead."

"What flavor?" Akemi rubbed a hand through her hair, which had recently been dyed a very unnatural shade of black. She looked annoyed at being held back.

"Dunno," Kagome looked down at Sesshoumaru, who had his chin propped on his palm and stared boredly out the large window. "Hey, Sesshou...vanilla?"

He wrinkled his nose.

"Obviously hates vanilla." She shrugged, "Tell ya what...try the chocolate. You just have to take one bite to show you can swallow it." Leaning over, she whispered so Akemi couldn't hear, "Look, I know you once said you don't eat human food. But that's all there is. If you don't start trying to assimilate into the times, you're going to end up relying on the feeding tube for the rest of your life. I don't think you want that."

Sesshoumaru's gilded eyes swung Kagome's way. Kagome didn't back down from his stare. He finally allowed himself a small nod.

Kagome shoved the jello bowl into Akemi's hands. "Chocolate it is then."

Akemi flicked her hair as she turned to leave. Kagome seriously suspected she was jealous of Sesshoumaru's immaculate hair color. Hell, he had nicer hair than most GIRLS she knew! He'd be a hairdresser's dream come true.

"Here," Akemi set a small bowl and a clean spoon on the tray next to Sesshoumaru. She looked pointedly at his hair, then up at Kagome, confirming Kagome's suspicion about her jealousy. "We'll have to restock the chocolate next week. But this should be enough."

"Thanks," she tried to smile. Sometimes Akemi rubbed her the wrong way, but wasn't sure if it was intentional or just her abrasive personality.

"Sure. Now I need to get to my desk. Scut work up to the ears and I don't want to be here all night again." She made a dismissive gesture, "Plus, I hate working with Ishiro, he's such a pervert."

__

Ishiro reminds me of Miroku. Always groping butts.

"Ugh," a groan of sympathy, "get going then."

Akemi swept out while Kagome returned her attention to Sesshoumaru. He was bent over the bowl, his nose going ninety miles per hour. Finally he scooped up the spoon in his fist like a small child would, dipped it into the shiny brown substance and tasted it. He swallowed beautifully, licked his lips and sat back, looking at Kagome like 'well?'.

"I think you'll be eating solid food again in no time." Patting his shoulder, she turned away to write a few notes on her chart. Across from her was a door with a tinted window that reflected Sesshoumaru's image like a mirror. She glanced up at it just in time to see him nick another spoon full from the bowl.

Kagome glanced over her shoulder. Sesshoumaru put the spoon down and resumed his original chin-on-palm pose. Obviously he wouldn't eat while someone else was watching. Kagome smiled and faced forward again, pretending to write on the chart while watching the window across the way. The second she turned away, he picked the spoon up and took another bite. Glanced up at her. Dipped the spoon again. Glance, dip, glance, dip. She grinned and looked down at her chart, writing for real.

A small gasp startled Kagome from her thoughts. She found Sesshoumaru bent over the empty ice cream bowl. His eyebrows slanted almost to his eyelids. He pressed his palm to his forehead.

"Uh oh," Her eyes danced with silent laughter, "looks like somebody's got brain freeze." This time a giggle did escape, "I'm glad you liked it, but don't eat it so fast or you'll get brain freeze again."

The wide-eyed, mortified look on his face made her laugh even harder. She almost heard him thinking along the line of, _You mean to tell me I just ate something that turned my brain into ice?_

And he wasn't amused that she laughed at him.

"Sorry...just the look on your face..." Kagome gulped air to calm her giggles. It felt good to laugh again. "You have a nerve in the back of your throat that makes your head hurt if it gets too cold too fast. 'Brain freeze' is just a slang term for it. Don't worry, us humans here wouldn't eat something if we thought it'd hurt our brains."

Amber eyes remained glued to hers. Tapered fingers tapped, nails clicking in unison on the tabletop. They made an increasingly unsettling sound. Like the bony feet of death walking across linoleum. He let his breath slip out through slightly parted lips. A loose lock of moonlight hair drifted down against his shoulder.

She blinked at the faint hurt in his expression. Here he was just trying to regain his lost dignity and she completely mocked him. She was probably lucky to still be alive. Her face fell. "I really am sorry I laughed at you."

His eyes half-lidded and he licked his spoon dismissively.

"Listen, I have to do rounds. We can work on more fine motor skills when I get back. I won't be long."

Sesshoumaru nodded to her and returned his attention to the strange world outside the window.

o0o

Kagome held Sesshoumaru's index finger up while he typed the alphabet on a laptop keyboard, seemingly fascinated by the machine's ability to form the exact letter he pressed. It was funny...he'd type a letter, look at the screen, look at the keyboard, look back at the screen, then type again. They moved through individual fingers like this - her holding one up for him while he clicked away. He figured out how much pressure he needed to push the buttons all on his own.

Finally, Kagome couldn't resist anymore. "Why haven't you tried to speak?" _I miss your voice_, she added silently.

He typed his reply, very slow and deliberate, then inclined his head, **It is not yet time.**

"But, Sesshoumaru," she pulled a chair up to sit next to him, her knees bumping against his, "you moaned a lot before you fully woke up. You can make sounds."

****

Read, woman. It is not yet time. Again, with Kagome's assistance he typed, **When I am ready, I will use my voice.**

"It's kind of hard to communicate with someone who doesn't answer."

****

It is difficult to communicate with someone who does not listen.

A little frustration bubble burst in her throat. She glared over the keyboard at him, "How the hell do you expect me to listen to you when you don't say a word? If you CAN'T talk, just tell me, it can be rehabilitated!"

Gold eyes moved back to the keys, illuminated by the glowing computer screen. Tap, tap, tap, click. **I do not need words to speak to you.**

"Oh, right," she said, grumbling. "You expect me to read your mind."

****

No. Sesshoumaru tilted an eyebrow. **You do well to understand my most basic of needs.**

"Sort of. Like your twitchy eyebrow. And that frown you do...but your face is so damned unexpressive that half the time I think you're bored with life." There, she said it. Laying out the truth filled her with a sense of trepidation. She waited for him to melt her arm off.

Instead, Sesshoumaru turned his head and smiled mirthlessly. It didn't reach his eyes. **Obviously you do not look hard enough**.

"Tch." Kagome stood up and prepared to leave.

Sesshoumaru's hand shot out, grabbing her wrist. He slapped his hand into her palm so she would hold his finger up and painstakingly tapped the keys. **Why do you humans fear silence? Why must you clutter it with meaningless words when there are better ways to communicate?**

"You're nuts, Sesshoumaru. Words are the best way to communicate, they're something everybody understands."

He looked at her with an expression that clearly said, 'is that so?'. His eyes moved to the keys again, mirthless smile still curling his mouth. **An infant does not need words to tell its mother what it needs.**

Kagome found his smile unsettling. She shifted uneasily and adjusted her grip on his hand to ease the fatigue on her own wrist. "That's different. A baby's mother knows her baby so well that she knows what it needs by how it cries and moves."

****

Exactly. He lifted his head, meeting her eyes for a moment. **When you are hungry, you chew your tongue and look around. When you are angry, your muscles tense. When you are content, your eyes become faraway. When you are happy, you hum as you go about your daily business. When you are embarrassed, you try to avoid meeting peoples' eyes. When you are tired, you let your shoulders slump**. He parted his lips slightly, letting his breath out. Typing did take him considerable effort, but he was patient and painstakingly clicked away on the keyboard. **When you are lonely, you turn on the talking box you call a television or press buttons on the telephone to speak with a faceless voice, trying to fill the silence that causes you discomfort.**

For the longest time Kagome didn't say anything. She felt as if Sesshoumaru just stripped her naked and then backed away before she could return the uninvited favor. "You..." her voice came out hollow, "you know all that just by watching me?"

A curt nod.

****

But you do not do the same. You think you know me, but you do not. You only know what I need at a given moment. Turning to her, he finished off with, **You are not the only one who feels that our conversations are one-sided. I do speak, woman, you just do not hear me.**

"It's impossible to listen to silence. There's nothing to hear."

****

Only because you are never silent yourself. Silence is the voice of time, it speaks to you in a language without words. You must listen in order to hear it. You must watch in order to see it. You must be still in order to feel it. And then you must understand it if you wish to embrace it.

His eyes lost focus the way they often did when his mind wandered, but he blinked and came out of his thoughts.

****

There is harmony in dew drops on rose petals. The sky sings to you just before sunset. Shadows at night tell you a thousand stories. Moonlight is filled with poetry. Life ebbs and flows around you. But you humans are always in such a hurry to cram a lifetime into one day, so focused on 'tomorrow', that you do not stop to look around at what is happening right now, right at this very moment. It must be a symptom of your short lifetimes. You bury yourselves in your modern technology, having utterly forgotten the beauty of the earth. You are trained to abhor silence, therefore you can not listen.

"I look at those things, sometimes. I used to watch you while you were still unconscious, hoping to see you wake up." Kagome frowned, feeling like she was missing his point.

****

What is so uncomfortable about merely being in the presence of another? What is the difference between my being unconscious and now? Sesshoumaru's hand pulled insistently on hers, his typing still a bit awkward.

She coughed loudly, exasperated. "You..." her cheeks warmed, "you couldn't look back and tell me to stop staring when I watched you breathe late into the night. So usually -"

****

Being looked upon does not bother me. Rin used to stare at me for hours, telling me stories with her eyes.

__

Ah, Rin, the little girl who used to follow Sesshoumaru everywhere he went. Kagome mostly remembered seeing her run circles around the toad demon who also trailed after Sesshoumaru, humming happily like she had not a care in the world.

"What happened to her?"

Sesshoumaru's face contorted exactly as it did when he gave himself an ice cream headache. The expression passed so quickly that Kagome wondered if she imagined it. **One night, exactly sixty years since the day I first saw her, she leaned against me as she often did in childhood and went to sleep. She never awoke**.

She bit her lip. "I'm sorry."

He pinned her with a glare. **You always clutter everything with meaningless words, when something as simple as a look or a gesture can say much more**.

Kagome said nothing.

****

When two people dance, they never say a word, yet they speak to each other. Sesshoumaru's eyes swung her way again. **When one person dances, they tell a story about themselves and what they feel**.

Her eyes softened. "Can...or could you...dance, Sesshoumaru?"

His eyebrows settled into an odd straight line across his forehead. Not quite a frown. The inner edges turned upwards, wrinkling his brow. Something mysterious passed through his eyes like shifting storm clouds. A jerk of his arm pulled his hand free and he scooted the wheelchair away from the table. He backed towards the window and gazed outside. Kagome stood there speechless, wondering if he saw 'harmony' in the chaotic mass of red and white lights, flashing billboards and walking human bodies passing on the street.

That night, Sesshoumaru's silent words kept her awake for hours.


	5. The Full Moon Has Meaning

Quick note: All of Sesshoumaru's weird behavior from here on out WILL be explained down the line. Be patient and the story will tell itself. ;)

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 5  
The Full Moon Has Meaning

o0o

"Okay, now tuck your other leg up, curl your arm and roll. Gravity will do the rest."

Sesshoumaru's amber eyes were glued to Hana's movements. He did as she said though, digging his claws into the mat to pull himself onto his side. The ease at which his body rolled left him visibly amazed. Kagome watched with some trepidation when he tried to roll the other way.

FLOP.

His eyes screamed victory.

Two hours of this and the demon lord hadn't broken a sweat yet. He was breathing hard, but not tired. The poor guy was so eager to start sitting upright on his own that he tried to push himself up unassisted. He ended up sprawled out on his stomach, cheek to the floor, looking extremely annoyed.

__

Just like Inuyasha, STUBBORN, mused Kagome.

"Maybe I should start helping him sit up." Hana curled her braid into a bun, grinning over at Kagome. "He's determined."

"You wouldn't know the half of it."

The smaller woman blushed. "He's got amazing eyes. I know you said they were pretty, but you didn't tell me why."

"Aren't surprises fun? But shhh, he has acute hearing. He probably heard us already."

"Oh!" Hana's face turned three more shades of red.

Looking over, Kagome saw Sesshoumaru taking a short rest. She covered a soft giggle. His silver hair was mussed from rubbing against the mat. On the dark surface it spread out like filaments of the Milky Way

Kagome watched Hana kneel by Sesshoumaru's side. She spoke to him in a tone too low to hear. His response was a nod. Not one of submission, just cooperation. He tucked himself onto his side, pressed his hands flat to the mat and pushed up. The effort shook his arms. It was hard for Kagome to see someone so dignified in such a...pathetic...state. He got halfway up before his muscles gave out. But he didn't just lay there. He kept trying, not even taking the time to get frustrated. He survived with one arm for awhile, until it grew back, and now he showed how well he was adapting to relearning how to use his entire body. If this situation embarrassed him in the slightest, he never showed it. He was too busy concentrating on recovering.

__

Sesshoumaru...you're amazing.

She watched his impassive face tighten in concentration. His small lips remained firmly set in a line. Flames glowed in his eyes, sending a clear message that he would NOT be 'defeated' by his own body. Somehow, someway, in a world he knew nothing about and with an unknown future, he still had a will to survive.

Gradually, an inch at a time, he pushed himself to sit. He started to tip backwards almost immediately, but saved himself by planting his hands. His claws dug into the safety mat, leaving punctures in the foam.

Suddenly, it didn't matter if Sesshoumaru never spoke again. Right then all Kagome wanted was to see him regain the ability to stand up and walk unassisted across the room.

o0o

The sky was dark by the time Kagome finally pushed Sesshoumaru into the apartment. Sesshoumaru wasted no time using what Hana taught him to transfer himself onto the bed. He lay there contentedly on his stomach while Kagome helped him undress, pulling the sheet up as cover once he had his pants off.

Kagome struggled not to blush when she glimpsed his bare rear end. _Men that attractive should have a license to be seen by the opposite sex_.

"You worked hard today," She smiled as she let him dress himself in a pair of green cotton pajama pants. Without the catheter in the way he had little trouble pulling pants over his own lower half. "Careful of your button. It's time for you to eat anyway. Don't worry though...you'll get to lose it when you can eat more by mouth. Ice cream isn't gonna cut it."

Sesshoumaru shifted to lie on his back, peering down at his G-tube, but never touching it. His eyes stayed glued to Kagome's hands when she hooked him up. He tugged the rubber band out of his hair and gazed up at her.

Moonlight poured down from the skylight, turning his hair into the finest spun silver. His eyes were two sparkling gold orbs set in porcelain and his markings painted in ebony by a talented hand. Light and shadow showed off his muscles to the best of their ability. He was a living, breathing sculpture in the dark.

His typed words haunted her again. _Moonlight is filled with poetry_.

Kagome caught the breath she held and pressed the buttons to raise the head of his bed. His gaze remained firmly on her. He had the odd talent of keeping his eyes perfectly still, they didn't shift back and forth as human eyes did. She gazed back at him, longing to ask all about Inuyasha and the others.

__

Why is it that I never realized that you're beautiful? She asked him silently.

A slow frown creased Sesshoumaru's smooth brow. His lips parted and he huffed. The grimace was more pronounced than Kagome remembered from the ice cream incident. She quickly associated the expression with pain. The bigger the grimace, the more he hurt.

Before she could ask him what caused him such pain, he turned away and the scars on his back glared like angry mouths.

"What happened to your back?"

The demon startled and blinked as if just remembering he wasn't alone. He looked over his shoulder with a sneer.

Kagome walked to the other side of the bed and lightly touched his hand. "Sesshoumaru..."

He wouldn't look at her. How strange it was, seeing horrible scarring on such a beautiful man. They were part of him and probably a nasty reminder of the past. It didn't detract at all from his appearance, at least not in her eyes.

Sesshoumaru glared at her with eyes like amber fire. When she wouldn't let go, the fire cooled to something softer. The inner corners of his eyebrows started to curve upwards, his bottom lip disappearing under his upper teeth. He looked away.

He hadn't said a word, but his body language said a lot. It wasn't like him at all to seem so unsure of himself. Seeing it _hurt_.

"Hey," Kagome clasped his fingers between her hands. "They don't make you ugly."

Gold irises peered up, flickering in the moonlight.

"You got these in your demon form, didn't you?"

Sesshoumaru gave another soft snuffle. His fingers flexed against her palm. Kagome reached around and gently rubbed his back.

She whispered, "Does this help?"

But Sesshoumaru's eyes were closed, long black lashes forming fringes on his pale cheeks. In a few moments his breathing slowed. Thinking he was asleep, Kagome tucked a stray strand of hair behind his pointed ear. Her fingertips brushed it, making it twitch. He blinked up at her.

"I'm sorry." Her cheeks flushed, "I thought you fell asleep."

Sesshoumaru's eyebrow twitched. It was quickly becoming...oddly endearing.

She cleared her throat. "Listen, I need to check something before you go to sleep."

He nodded once.

Kagome held up a blood pressure cuff and smiled slightly. "This device measures your blood pressure. I'm going to wrap it around your arm and it'll get tight. But don't worry, it won't hurt you. It just feels funny." She waited for him to approve before she attached the cuff in a hiss of Velcro.

His eyes followed her every move. He didn't flinch as the cuff applied pressure to his arm. She shrugged into the stethoscope and listened until she heard the beats that signaled his systolic and diastolic pressure.

"Your blood pressure is good." A faint giggle formed in her throat. "Oh, yeah...your blood pressure is how hard the blood is being pumped through your body. Hey, would you like to hear your heart?"

Sesshoumaru gave her his snootiest sneer. Of course he could already hear his own heart, and probably hers as well.

"Riiight. Would you like to hear it even _better?_"

He pondered for a moment, then gave a slight nod.

Kagome placed the earpieces carefully in Sesshoumaru's ears and touched the chest piece lightly to his breastbone. He blinked a few times, fixed his eyes on hers and held the chest piece up to her. She took the round metal tool and pressed it right beside her left breast.

An uncharacteristic softness came into his eyes, making them subdued like a bonfire shrinking to a candle. In them she saw twin reflections of the full moon. His hand settled against hers. Her eyes wandered down to his face. His lips were parted again. She'd never seen him look at her that way before. It both unnerved and intrigued her. He took her free hand and placed it over his heart, his smooth skin warm under her palm. She wished she knew what thoughts were going through his head. But when she finally opened her mouth to ask, he silenced her by covering her lips with his fingertips. He took off the stethoscope and handed it to her, placing the metal end back against his heart.

Kagome placed the earpieces into her ears. Sesshoumaru's heart was beating quickly. Fluttering. The sound of his heart murmur roared in her ears in time with the vibration under his breastbone. Her own heart raced as well, matching his beat. It was so quiet she could hear her own heart as well as his.

It was...beautiful.

__

There is poetry in two hearts beating in unison, her mind whispered.

She met his eyes and smiled. He seemed to smile back without ever moving his lips. Then his eyes closed. His soft breathing indicated he'd fallen fast asleep, lulled by her heartbeat.

Sesshoumaru was so different from the demon Kagome remembered beyond the well. Time had changed him, turned him into a shadow of his former self. He no longer fit in with the world. A creature of forgotten lore that only existed in art, fairy tales and memories. He...Sesshoumaru...was a demon lord without his west.

A feeling she understood all too well.

In the end, all they had was each other. Him her only link to the past and her his sole guide in the present.

o0o

Haunting dreams tormented Kagome's sleep. Gasping, she awoke with a start. A sheen of sweat glistened on her brow and wet droplets dribbled down between her eyes. The words she didn't want to believe clamored inside her head. _Inuyasha's dead!_ Sobs choked her throat. She wept quietly into her pillow until something thumped in the living room.

"Sesshoumaru..." The sheets roared when she flung herself out of bed and made her way into the living room.

The demon lord rested on his hands and knees on the floor. Poised exactly in the center of the moonlight oblong coming straight down through the skylight, which was just a foot away from being directly above his bed. His hair glistened almost blue-white as it shrouded the pale dome of his back and pooled around him. Light and shadow formed perfect harmony over his sweaty skin and the muscles in his arms. She could only see the top of his head with his hair splayed all around. It reminded her of a comet.

Sesshoumaru looked like a fallen angel cast down from Heaven. All he needed was a set of broken wings.

Kagome opened her mouth to ask him if he was okay. Words didn't seem right here. She changed her mind and padded towards the silver pool. Her skin paled against her short black nightgown. Sitting cross-legged before Sesshoumaru, she reached into the warm shroud of his hair, cupped his cheeks and gasped upon discovering them moist like hers. She lifted his head to peer at his face.

Two half-closed eyes stared lifelessly into hers, deep pools of molten amber swirling around icy black holes. Always changing, but never consumed. His eyelashes were starry skies. Tears formed fresh trails on his marble cheeks, each one cold as ice on her fingertips. His nose ran too, a tiny streak above the cupid's bow in his upper lip. He kept his face perfectly composed while his eyes screamed in agony.

Sesshoumaru looked even more small and vulnerable than he did while comatose.

__

Comfort me, his eyes pleaded, while his face said, _don't touch me_.

Kagome listened to his eyes. She slid her arms around his bare shoulders to pull him towards her. Sesshoumaru came forward willingly. He rested his head in her lap, letting her use her fingertips to comb his hair away from his face. She tucked it behind his delicate ear. When she moved her hand away to rub his back, he caught it by the wrist and placed it back on his head. Understanding this, she stroked him just like before. Her fingers gently indented his silky hair.

There was no sound except for her zen fountain and Sesshoumaru's soft, shuddering breaths. If he was crying full blast, he didn't show it. His mouth didn't quiver, his diaphragm didn't hitch and he didn't sniffle or sob. He just let his tears fall. Kagome was amazed at his control, had she been crying that hard she wouldn't be able to stay quiet.

__

You saw everyone you ever cared about die. Like me, all you have are these memories that hurt. She rubbed her nails lightly against his soft scalp. Sometimes he'd turn his head to expose another area to be stroked, which she did without question or judgment. His cold, silent tears continued to fall on her bare legs. Only then did she realize she forgot to put on a robe. She didn't care, all that mattered was easing his pain.

Sesshoumaru's head shifted again. Kagome shivered when his bangs brushed her inner thigh. She glanced down to find him looking up at her, his face dry and eyes once again impassive. Swirling to opaque in record time. Closed off from inside to hide his wounded soul.

"Sessh - "

He covered her mouth with his fingertips and shook his head. Suddenly he was on his knees, hands braced on her shoulders. His eyes looked from her to the bed. She realized he got down, but couldn't get back up.

Gathering Sesshoumaru's hair up so they wouldn't step on it, Kagome wrapped her arms around his middle and stood. He pushed off the floor with her. For the first time in centuries he was standing erect.

She'd forgotten how tall he was - almost six feet. His chin hovered just above her head and she was staring directly at his chest. Moonlight kissed a rogue lock of hair curled against the soft hollow in his collarbones. She felt his heart beating gently against her right breast. Her cheeks flushed when she became aware of their closeness. The only thing between them was her satin nightie and his thin flannel pajama pants. His body warmth bled through the filmy materials.

His fingers curiously brushed the satin draped down her back. A small shiver ran down her spine.

"It's called satin," she whispered, looking up. "Do you like it?"

Sesshoumaru nodded tersely without breaking eye-contact. Then he tucked himself down onto the bed with his back to her. His jagged whip-scars looked like a road map in the darkness. Kagome said nothing and drew the sheets up to his shoulder, wondering if this whole bizarre incident was just another dream.

o0o

Kagome would've believed last night was a dream if she'd managed to get back to sleep. But sleep proved impossible because her mind was trapped on the images of Inuyasha dying. Every time she sank towards the void, his image jerked her back awake. She finally rose at dawn to check on Sesshoumaru. He was still asleep with his back to her, exactly like he'd laid himself down the night before. She discovered he liked to sleep hugging his pelt. Probably for warmth or some primitive comfort. A morning rarely passed without him curled around it, his breath stirring its soft fur.

As quietly as she could, Kagome set up a cooking ladle and reached for two eggs. She winced when they sizzled noisily in the pan.

The sheets rustled. Kagome peered over her shoulder to see Sesshoumaru doing the same.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and gave the slightest shake of his head. Disengaging from his fluffy pelt, he rolled onto his back and stretched. Kagome blushed when his pajama pants rode low enough to expose his pubic fluff. For a moment she glimpsed his ribcage in perfect relief. Then he relaxed with his hand over his eyes, allowing himself a ferocious looking yawn. His fangs seemed suddenly huge. She tried not to snicker when he used the bedrails to sit up and looked at her with a sleepy face and extremely rumpled hair.

__

At least I know he doesn't just wake up gorgeous every morning. He has to work at it a little just like anybody else. I feel better now.

A faint giggle still escaped as Kagome scooped her eggs onto a plate and quickly ate them. She reached into the fridge again for a bag of formula she pureed the night before and tossed it in the microwave to warm it up. Cold formula, she'd been told by another tube-fed patient, often made feedings extremely uncomfortable. Heating it also wasn't the right way to warm it, it let bacteria grow, but months of experience taught her that Sesshoumaru actually digested it better with the bacteria. They just ate each other in his gut without harming him. So she cast aside all worries about salmonella or e-coli.

__

Considering how long he's been alive, his immune system has probably been assaulted by everything known to man. But I wouldn't go infecting him with AIDS or anything. I wonder if demons are immune to cancer too. Hm...for all I know his blood might cure all diseases.

Kagome's eyes shot open wide. She stood utterly still and stared at her plate. _God, if the world ever found out about him they'd probably do all kinds of experiments. And AIDS...geez, I need to educate him about all this stuff sometime in the near future, just in case_...__

Somewhere between the egg scoop and the fridge dive, Sesshoumaru got himself into the wheelchair. He used his hands and feet to propel himself towards the counter. The footrests clanked into the metal oven. Okay, he could get going, but sometimes he had trouble stopping.

Kagome watched Sesshoumaru's nostrils flare at the scents of food. He licked his lips and swallowed.

"You want to try eating a little by mouth while I get your formula ready? It was hunted by demons, you know."

Sesshoumaru rested his chin on his palm and twitched his eyebrow. There was no way he bought her story, but he nodded anyway. He looked ridiculous with his sleepy eyes and bangs that stuck up in every direction, but obviously had no objections to her seeing him in such a state. Maybe he figured that if she'd seen him naked more times than his own mother, a little morning disarray wouldn't surprise her much. And it didn't, it just looked funny. He kind of reminded her of Inuyasha.

A small pang tugged Kagome's heart. Sesshoumaru wasn't Inuyasha. He never would be. It wasn't fair to keep comparing them to each other.

"No problem." She peered into the fridge, getting goosebumps from the cold air seeping through her crimson kimono robe. "It has to be something that goes down real easy - ah. Is fruit okay?"

He wrinkled his nose while he considered it. Then, slowly, a nod.

"Then I have just the thing." Kagome lifted the top off a Tupperware container. Purple grapes glittered in the light from the refrigerator. She plucked a dozen off, set them into a bowl and gently handed it to Sesshoumaru. "You can practice your finger pinches with these while you eat."

Sesshoumaru dipped his head slightly. Their fingers brushed when he grasped the bowl from underneath. He placed it on his lap, smirked at her and pushed off with his foot, letting himself glide backwards out of sight. She glanced at him. He was spearing the grapes on his claws instead of trying to pick them up with his fingers.

"Hey!" She laughed, "That's cheating!"

The demon lord wrinkled his nose at her, but his mouth almost formed a smile. Silent laughter danced in his eyes. He sucked a grape off his fingernail, eyes narrowed as if daring her to try and stop him. He might have been more intimidating if his hair wasn't a mess and he wore more than a pair of thin cotton pajama pants that fit so snug they left little to the imagination.

Kagome marched over and grabbed his hand. Dipping it into the bowl, she clamped his thumb and index finger around the last grape and guided it to his mouth. Since his mouth was open she shoved it on in, watching his teeth clamp down.

__

Ha! Bet you didn't think I'd take you up on that dare, did you? She thought smugly.

Suddenly he pulled her finger close and licked the juice off her fingertip. His tongue was like moist satin. The smug, smart-assed look he gave afterward reminded her that he'd never let himself be bested by a mere human. It was hard to imagine that, only eleven days ago, he was unconscious and completely dependent on her care.

Her heart ached when she realized someday he'd no longer need her help. Like a bird leaving its nest, one day he would stand on his own and probably walk out of her life. And then he would...what? He had nobody and a whole lot of nothing. Just his clothes and pelt, which were filled with the past.

"Where will you go?"

Gold eyes looked up, confused.

"When you can walk again, fight again, where will you go?"

Sesshoumaru inclined his head, rolling his shoulders as if working out a cramp. A slight shake of the head was his answer, but Kagome didn't know if it was dismissive or meant 'I don't know'.

She turned his hand over to examine the lines of his palm, hyper conscious of his eyes still on her face. He had such a beautiful hand. The folds in his palm merged perfectly into those of his long, tapered fingers. Azure veins splayed out from his delicate wrist, a river with many tributaries. It detoured under the stripes on his forearm. The same vein reappeared in the crook of his elbow. She could picture the oxygen starved red blood cells rushing through it. Sweeping back to his heart where they formed violent whirlpools in his atriums and ventricles. They pounded against yellow valves like water in a reservoir, only to surge forth whenever the doors blew open. She saw them being forced into his lungs to turn vibrant red again and return to his heart, winding around to the double-doors of his bicuspid valve. Here the cells surged so violently half the valve bulged slightly backwards and bits of blood washed back through the crack. And then the cusps blew open, rhythmically, letting the cells restart their journey into his left ventricle and out into his perfect body.

_His heart was never fully whole. That murmur is a defect in the mitral valve. He literally has a broken heart, but how broken is it really?_

Her gaze drifted to the curve of his jaw where she imagined the storm of electrical discharges going on in his brain every second. Just a week ago his cerebral cortex was utterly silent and now...now his brain was a thunderstorm of thoughts and feelings. And where areas were disconnected, the microscopic lightning bolts splayed out into nothing. New connections would form soon, allowing his body to work as it did in his prime.

_His body, mind and heart are broken_...

His face was extremely androgynous, especially with the red coloring on his eyelids. Kagome swore he could seriously pass for an odd-looking woman if he really wanted to. He actually looked more feminine with his hair short than when it was long. His silver tresses belonged to the wind and the moonlight, free and endless, not piled useless on a forgotten floor.

_I bet he was mistaken for a girl a lot when he was little_.

Now her stare fixed on his lips. He had a clever little mouth, his pink lips neither pouty nor so thin they disappeared. They were parted at the moment, but when they were closed, his mouth almost formed a wide V in its center. His lips looked soft as rose petals and she wondered if they'd ever been kissed by a woman. She found it hard to believe that, behind those lips, were vicious fangs that probably pierced countless throats during battle. Yet there they were, tips just visible and gleaming in the slit of moist darkness on his face.

He had the most boyish, tipped-up nose she'd ever seen. It was a narrow, flawless thing that seemed to exist on his face like an afterthought to his pretty features. She often forgot those slitted little nostrils could smell her a mile away. Underneath that nose was a massive smelling zone. X-rays of his head revealed it - his sinuses were part of his nasal cavity instead of just bony hollows like on a human. With each sniff the air swirled into them for a long time, telling him everything he needed to know about a person, place or thing.

Finally her eyes met his. Twin golden suns glowing between ebony curtains. Their color deepened and lightened as his pupils flickered in the shifting light. His eyes, the windows to his soul, still sent messages she had yet to understand. They weren't emotionless as she first believed. Just...unreadable...because nobody ever came close enough to really look except Rin. His eyes had seen fields of bloody war and scenes of beauty beyond imagining. Countless secrets and flickers of power swirled through them every second, bouncing around in his pupils and disappearing into their endless depths.

Kagome found herself leaning closer and closer to his face. She was falling into him. Drawn to his eyes like a moth to a flame. Sesshoumaru blinked once and tilted his head slightly, the shadow crossing his face making his pupils dilate. He was smirking at her.

Kagome forced herself to step away from Sesshoumaru and avoided his eyes. "I um..." her face burned from her hairline to her chin. "...I better go get the rest of your breakfast before it gets cold." Her head sank towards her shoulders, "Yeah, just a sec, I'll get it."

Realizing she was babbling, Kagome retreated to her kitchenette to get Sesshoumaru's real breakfast ready. She remained hyper conscious of his eyes staring at the back of her head the whole time.

A hot lump swelled in the back of her throat. Its stinging heat traveled to her nasal passages and finally her eyes. Tears pricked at her eyelashes. She swiped a hand across her eyes, sniffling, knowing he could smell her starting to cry. She forced a straight face and walked over to hook him up to his food bag.

Sesshoumaru's eyes followed Kagome's every move. She noticed he watched her like a hawk when she pressed buttons on the drip pump that pushed the pureed mix down into his stomach.

Kagome pretended to straighten out the tubing while she collected herself. When she could trust her voice not to shake, she said, "I think I'll be able to start you on bolus feedings soon, which means you can take a feeding anywhere."

He cocked a brow.

"Right, sorry..." she sniffed and wiped her eyes, "Instead of you sitting here under a bag for an hour, I'll just pour the formula into a small container and let it drain into your tube that way. Maybe you'll start feeling like eating by mouth."

His eyebrow twitched again, eyes never leaving hers.

"I know it bugs you. But your throat hasn't swallowed for a long time. You might choke on something too solid no matter how much you chew it. It could kill you." Kagome's voice choked on the word 'kill'. She dug her nails into her palms in attempt to stop her tears. "I'm just trying to stay on the safe side of things." A sniff. "After this I'll help you take a bath and wash your hair, then we'll have to get to the home."

Sesshoumaru drew back so his head rested against the wheelchair's headrest. Watching her through half-closed eyes, he smacked his lips once and kneaded the cushioned arms of the wheelchair. He always did that during feedings, yet never seemed aware he was doing so. It reminded her of a puppy nursing from its mother, which often led her to wonder if the sensation of the formula filling his stomach activated instinctive feeding behaviors from his newborn days. Maybe he was born in his full demon form and, because he was royalty, learned how to assume a humanoid shape. That blessed, beautiful humanoid shape.

But it was very difficult to even TRY to imagine that huge, white dog form began life as a tiny, toothless puppy.

"Sesshoumaru, there's something you should know about this time."

His eyebrow flickered.

Kagome steeled herself, though her bones were quivering. She had no idea what effect her next words would have on him. "In this time...there are no more demons. Not even one. They're gone, all of them, except for you."

Sesshoumaru blinked once. Twice. His fingers, which had been kneading the cushion under his arm, dug into the fabric until it bled white stuffing. He tore his eyes off hers and fixed them on the skylight.

"I'm sor-"

A clawed hand clamped over her mouth so hard the nails almost dug into her cheek. Kagome stared down at Sesshoumaru's face, frightened by his rising aura. The purple stripes framing his cheeks turned crimson and grew jagged like bloody wounds reopening. She saw the blood vessels in the whites of his burning eyes merge together until they became solid scarlet. He bore his teeth to reveal lengthening fangs and his claw tips almost touched her earlobe. With his mussed hair he looked positively feral.

Sesshoumaru jerked his hand from Kagome's face and arched his back as if in terrible pain. He heaved in a deep breath, flung his head back and howled. A tremendous keening that couldn't decide whether it was the scream of a man and the roar of a ferocious wild animal.

Kagome ducked and covered her ears. She still couldn't shut out the sound as it vibrated her soul and threatened to shatter her bones.

The skylight exploded. Glass flew out in all directions, sparkling in the morning sun. Some rained back down to land on and around Sesshoumaru's seated form. He just sat there with his head back and let the shards draw long red lines all over his perfect face. Crimson trails soaked into his silver bangs, matting them together. Red rivers snaked down his chest and arms. Bloodstains blossomed on his leggings and marred his flawless skin. Glass fell into his open mouth and gouts of blood squirted from his throat. It pat-patted on the floor like rain.

She screamed and ran to him. But no matter how fast she pumped her legs, she wasn't moving. Like running on a treadmill with no place to step off.

He just sat there, his face shredded and glistening crimson in the overhead light. The world around him burned away like flesh dipped in acid, leaving him alone at the end of time as a prisoner within himself. He was still there when eternity caught fire and went dark.

o0o

Stinging impact brought Kagome out of darkness and into the blazing morning. She was in her bed, tangled in the sheets. Above the divider wall she saw the edge of the intact skylight. A relieved sigh blew through her parted lips and she dragged her arms down from where they'd somehow folded themselves during her nightmare. Her left hand brushed the solid warmth of a leg covered in thin cotton. She blinked and looked over.

Sesshoumaru sat on his knees at the foot of his wheelchair, using his elbow to prop himself up on the smooth wooden edge of her platform futon. This position left his chest perfectly flexed to its best advantage. His hair fell all around him, some a little tangled from sleep. This time, his bangs weren't in complete disarray - just a few strands stuck up.

"Sesshoumaru..." Kagome swallowed a sob, rolled over and wrapped her arms around his neck. His smooth skin was so warm and inviting.

Drawing back a little, Sesshoumaru peered at her with his unreadable amber eyes. One well-formed eyebrow elevated a notch. Kagome's eyes widened at realizing their faces were inches apart. His breath was right on her cheek.

"I-I'm sorry. I had this crazy dream and..." once the tears started she didn't have the will to stop them. "...and I thought I woke up from it, but I said something that made you scream and...the skylight shattered. You were covered in blood and I couldn't get to you...you were all alone..."

He slowly inhaled through his nose. Suddenly his face came closer, lips slightly parted. He stopped only a few millimeters away, extended his tongue and lapped a teardrop off her cheek. The warmth of his closeness melted before she even registered what just happened. Once again he was propped on the wooden platform, only this time his eyes were looking around her small bedroom.

"Um...yeah, this's where I sleep."

The gold eyes stopped on her ancient wardrobe. Kagome suspected Rin had one just like it or very similar. Before she could ask his eyes moved over to the full length window. His throat pulled tight against his Adam's apple, the tracheostomy scar right below it forming a shadow that didn't belong. It looked a little smaller. Kagome figured his being awake had something to do with it healing.

But why weren't the scars on his back fading?

She watched strands of his hair caress his shoulder and form a silver avalanche down his left arm. It fell over his pointed ear. Somehow that didn't look right and she reached over to tuck it where it belonged. His ear twitched when she touched it. He looked back at her.

"Sorry." Kagome stretched her legs and sat upright. The spaghetti strap on her satin nightie slipped off her milky shoulder, completely baring one breast. She didn't notice until Sesshoumaru stared right at her chest and tugged the strap back up where it belonged. Her face turned hot. The room was a little chilly, she couldn't even imagine the impression he must've gotten.

"Th-thanks...uh," She glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand. Seven o'clock sharp. "Shoot, it's later than I thought! I should have you hooked to your formula right now."

Sesshoumaru blinked at the clock, then turned his eyes to her. If her little flash phased him, it didn't show.

"I need to get up now." Kagome squeaked.

At this, Sesshoumaru snorted dismissively and eased up to sit on the floor, running a hand through his silver mane. Kagome got a wonderful view of him backlit by the window. The distant red spike of Tokyo tower seemed to rise right out of his collarbone.

Sighing, Kagome slid into her kimono robe without tying the front shut. She tried to put some order into her bed-hair. "Shall I get your bath ready?"

He fixed her in his intense golden gaze. The corner of his mouth inched up slightly, indicating the affirmative. When his skin stretched she noticed a dry salt trail.

__

So it wasn't all a dream. He did cry.

Kagome shoved the thoughts from her head and stood up. Sesshoumaru used the bed as leverage to push off into his chair, using his feet to propel himself towards the bathroom.

Her bathroom was tiny, just enough room for the toilet, a sink and the tub/shower combination. There were walk in closets bigger than her little bathroom, but it served its purpose well.

Bathing Sesshoumaru in the tub proved infinitely easier than giving him sponge baths. His being picky about the water temperature was the only hitch. He liked to sit and soak in stifling hot springs, not splash around in barely warm water that didn't even steam. They finally compromised when Kagome agreed to let him soak in hot water for fifteen minutes, then it'd be time to wash off.

"And if you fall asleep, I'll wake you up." She warned him. He just wrinkled his nose at her.

The demon lord looked utterly content in the tub. Laid back, eyes closed, arms propped on the sides and his hair falling around him in wet streaks, he reminded her of a merman...all he needed was a silver fishtail. The steam made sweat break out all over any skin above water.

After the fifteen minutes passed, Kagome poked her head. Just like she thought, he fell back to sleep. She smiled at how peaceful he looked and decided turning on the cold water would be too mean. Instead she just knelt beside the tub, "Hey, fifteen minutes are up."

Sesshoumaru turned his head away. Kagome offered him a washcloth and soap, "Here, you do what you can reach. I'll help you with the rest."

He replied with a lazy yawn and accepted the washcloth. Leaning over to sniff the soap, he seemed to find it acceptable, soaped up the rag and began scrubbing. He washed himself every place he could reach and handed the washcloth off to Kagome, letting her scrub his back.

"Did you have servants that bathed you when you took baths in your castle?"

A slight nod.

Kagome smiled and followed the groove of his spine with the rag. The skin between his scars was still vibrant and pale. His muscles were starting to tone back up nicely. They didn't squish under her touch like they did when he first arrived in her care. "Ah, then I guess this's nothing new to you. Some people of royalty today don't even know how to dress themselves or prepare their own food. I'm glad you're not one of them."

Sesshoumaru snorted at that and rolled his shoulders. A dozen muscles rippled under his skin.

__

He's just a patient. Kagome reminded herself. She splashed his back free of soap. "Okay, I'll get the shower chair ready and shampoo your hair."

He replied by bumping the lever to drain the tub with his knee. CLONK! He bore his teeth at it, saw there was no threat and relaxed, looking mildly annoyed at his bath ending prematurely.

"Heh, woops." She retreated for the plastic chair, which fit over the tub like a bench with backing and arms. Holes on the bottom kept water from collecting in uncomfortable places. "Can you make it up to the chair?"

Sesshoumaru honestly tried to pull himself up. The angle at which he sat, his lack of muscle tone and the slippery edges of the tub worked against him. Without thinking about it, Kagome slipped her forearm under his butt to help him push up towards the chair. She had to make him lift his rear end again because he wound up sitting on his hair.

If being naked in front of a woman bothered the demon, he didn't show it.

"Let your back rest on the chair and tilt your head backwards - there you go. Now just relax, this is the best part." Kagome, her face warm, lifted the shower snake from its hook and flicked it on. The gentle spray covered Sesshoumaru's silver head and washed his bangs back over his scalp.

Kagome poured shampoo onto her palm and worked it into his hair. She rubbed her fingers back and forth and scratched behind his ears to get some suds going.

Sesshoumaru honestly started to smile, but caught himself and forced his face to stay deadpan. He was loving it. Kagome worked the lather across his crescent moon, scrubbing the roots of his bangs and down the top of his head. His silver hair disappeared under apple-scented froth. She poured another handful of shampoo, reached out and ran her hands down the length of his tresses. Hana once taught her never to bunch up long hair on top of someone's head to wash it, because it just created nasty tangles.

He almost squirmed in delight under her hands. She never imagined the simple act of washing his hair would leave him so utterly enraptured - his left leg even shook a few times.

For a few minutes the only sounds in the bathroom were Sesshoumaru's breath and the slosh of suds as Kagome gently shampooed his hair. After a moment she shielded his eyes with one hand and flicked on the portable shower-head to start rinsing. His silver locks reappeared under the pinkish foam, shiny and clean like liquid mercury.

"I'm gonna put some conditioner into your hair. It has to stay in for three minutes. It'll keep your hair looking silky and shiny." Kagome showed him the flat white bottle. "This is what I've been using on you ever since I started taking care of you. It's done wonders for your hair. I think it looks even better than it..." her voice faltered, but she forced it to brighten, "than it did before."

No objections from Sesshoumaru. Kagome worked the conditioner into his hair and checked the clock on the wall above the toilet. When the three minutes passed, she rinsed his hair clean and wrung it out to remove the excess water.

Sesshoumaru leaned forward and shook his himself. Just like a wet dog. His sopping hair whipped around, slapping into things and spraying water droplets all over the bathroom. Afterward he glanced at the mirror and patted his bangs down where they belonged. It was an oddly effeminate gesture for someone like him.

Kagome just stood there wide-eyed, soaked to the skin.

"Sesshoumaru," she began in a low tone.

He looked at her like she should know better than stand next to him after a bath. Amusement made his eyes tilt.

"S-" She burst out laughing, but it had a sharp pinch of bitter sweetness. "I almost tried to 'sit' you!"

His eyes narrowed, face assuming an expression that clearly stated, _I am NOT Inuyasha_. The way he looked at her was the same way he might look at a piece of dung he'd scrape off his shoe. He sat back, stuck his nose in the air and flipped his hair over the side of the tub. Waiting for her to brush it dry.

"Sorry. That wasn't fair. Sometimes I just miss him horribly." Biting her lip, Kagome began to run a comb through his silver locks. The lovely little shake he did caused a few tangles to form around the bottom. They probably wouldn't be there if it didn't slap into the chair and walls so much. "I need to find you some more modern clothes sometime soon. The pullover and sweat-pants aren't exactly fashionable, even though they fit you like a glove. I've got one more outfit for you, but that's all."

Gilded eyes fixed on her. One eyebrow inched higher than its brother.

"Hey, I'll just get you a catalogue and let you pick out what you like." She worked at a tangle without bothering to explain what a catalogue was to him; she was sure he'd figure it out on his own. "You probably could get away with your old clothes, but only if you don't wear your pelt and armor."

He shook his head. Either he wore the whole outfit or not at all.

Kagome straightened his bangs and wrapped the towel around his waist, tying it at his hip. "Okay, I'll get you standing and dry you off. You keep your hands on the chair, you're still not stable enough to stand without help yet."

That 'you're lower than dung' look flashed across his eyes again. _How dare you doubt my abilities!_ it seemed to say.

With help Sesshoumaru stepped from the tub. He chose to lean back against the bathroom sink and mop himself dry with the towel. Kagome blushed, that posture pretty much put his whole body on perfect display. He had purple stripes on his hips, calves and ankles, giving him an almost feral look.

__

Don't think dirty...yes he's gorgeous, but try to ignore it. He's still just a patient under your care. Nothing more. But she glimpsed where the warm water had had its greatest effect and chewed her lower lip. _He's definitely a grower...GAH!_ Her circle of thoughts broke when the towel was thrust in her face. She was presented with the curve of Sesshoumaru's back and long hair. His hair perfectly hid the horrible scars lining his spine.

Did he know how suggestive that felt to her?

Turning his head, he looked over his shoulder and frowned. Waiting. Kagome wrapped the towel around his shoulders and patted him down, working down his back until he was dry.

__

You're the most beautiful man there ever was, Sesshoumaru. Dealing with you is torture. You're yourself and you remind me of Inuyasha. It's not fair.

Kagome watched Sesshoumaru stare at his own reflection. He touched the shrinking dimple below his Adam's apple, then his hand grazed the marks on his back. A look of incredible sadness passed as a faint shimmer across his eyes.

"Hey, um, Sesshoumaru?"

His eyes fixed on her reflection.

"Did you wear a fundoshi back in the day?"

The demon rolled his eyes and nodded like it was a dumb question.

Kagome blushed with relief. "Good. We have underwear now, but they're a little bit different than what you're used to. You'll want to wear them with the clean clothes I have, I don't think you'll want people seeing the outline of your 'stuff' every time you stretch." Heat snuck into her skin. "Sit tight here and I'll get them." She hid her face by letting her hair fall across her cheek as she retreated and returned with said garments. A nice pair of white cotton boxers. She always had extra stuff from the home laying around the house and the boxers were just his size.

Kneeling at his feet, she instructed him to step and pulled them up, keeping her head turned so she wouldn't see his naughty bits. "Are they comfortable?"

Sesshoumaru didn't seem to object to his new underwear. He only glanced at them, then at her. Finally his eyes landed on the toilet. Before Kagome could stop him, he picked up the water glass on the sink and started to reach for the toilet bowl.

"Hey!" Kagome grabbed for his wrist. "That's a toilet, not a well. I poop in that, I don't think you want to drink out of it."

He gave her a suitably disgusted look, and she was extremely glad she straightened this issue out before she woke up one morning to find him _drinking_ out of her toilet. The mental image amused her, but she doubted he'd find it funny.

"C'mon, let's get you dressed before you catch cold in here. I'll get you some water in a minute, okay?"

This time Sesshoumaru let her help him back to his chair and push him into the living room. A few minutes later he was sipping clean bottled water while dressed in a black cotton samue. A bit too casual to be worn in public, they were more like pajamas than clothes, but they met his approval.

Black looked beautiful on him. It brought out the whiteness of his skin the silver of his flowing hair.

He lost interest in his current attire and busied himself with the thick clothing catalogue that she'd given him. Just as she thought, he'd figured it out without needing an explanation. His eyes lit up a little at the last page.

"Oh, you found something?"

Sesshoumaru handed the glossy magazine to her. Right on top stood a model in a white kung fu style satin shirt with a gold trim. Kagome smiled until she saw the price. That many yen for one shirt?

She sighed, dismayed, "I can't afford that."

He narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, as if I can magic money from my armpit to buy you a shirt that'd put me out of rent for a month." Kagome ran a hand through her hair, mimicking his annoyed expression. "I'm not rich, Sesshoumaru. Can't you look for something that isn't five digits? Please? There's a few turtlenecks in there that I think would look great on you." She reached down and flipped to the shirts in question, letting him look those over while she hunted through her cupboards for a granola bar.

Sesshoumaru tossed the magazine aside like trash. Unlike Inuyasha, there was no distracting him from what he wanted by offering something else. His expression...it was almost prissy. He wanted that shirt so bad he could taste it.

"Look, you might have come from a rich family where you got everything you wanted when you wanted it, but that isn't happening here. You'll have to settle with cheap stuff for awhile."

He studied her with a cold gleam in his eyes. For one moment he looked like the great Demon Lord of the West again, the cruel human-hater with a heart of ice. The scowl suddenly withered. He turned his head and stuck his nose in the air, putting on his 'holier than thou' act.

"Hmph! Don't sulk at me like that. Pitiful human, that posture says. Well guess what? This 'pitiful human' is what's keeping you alive right now."

Another glare, this time with both eyebrows drawn together above the bridge of his nose. Funny how he looked pretty even when he sneered.

"Nobody thought you were going to wake up, Sesshoumaru." Kagome refused to let his cold stare frighten her. "I could've easily given up on you too, and yanked your feeding tube and let you starve. But I didn't because some part of me believed you were still alive. And you are, but you're not up to par."

Shocking white teeth appeared.

"Face it. You wouldn't last long on your own...even you have limits to what your body can take. I've seen them. Look at yourself, you can't eat enough to stay healthy and you can't even walk yet! You'd just wind up in the same condition you were in when the construction crew found you. Or worse. If I walked out that front door, you'd probably get very weak or die without my care."

The fight went out of Kagome at the last half of her statement, mostly from the mortified look Sesshoumaru shot her. She found her granola bar and warmed up his morning formula, her voice coming out small, "Want to try eating a little by mouth?"

Silence.

Metallic clanks.

Soft breathing.

She felt him beside her, watching her, but forced herself not to meet his burning eyes. Sometimes his gaze made her feel naked.

Her first inclination was to reach for the grapes. _No, too much like the dream_. She sighed and rummaged. He still wasn't quite ready to eat anything dense like meat or carrots. But that orange looked good, she peeled it and offered him the slices in a plastic rice bowl.

"Here, your Highness." She rolled her eyes, annoyed that his nose still remained firmly in the air. "You can practice your pincher grip on these." _And if you refuse it because it's not on a silver platter, you can bend over and kiss my ass_.

Sesshoumaru accepted her offering, mocked her by imitating her eye roll and pushed off to glide backwards into the middle of the living room, long hair fluttering in his wake. When Kagome turned around, she found him honestly trying to pick the slices up between two fingers.

And he succeeded.

A triumphant gleam flashed through his eyes, then fizzled when the wet slice slipped free and disappeared next to the chair with a wet splat. Even though he ended up dropping the first orange slice on the floor, he got his fingers to work. His body was starting to remember what it lost. He frowned and thoughtlessly picked up another one, placing it between his lips.

Sesshoumaru was a graceful eater. He took dainty little bites, chewed slowly with his mouth closed and swallowed without any gulping sounds. His jaw hardly moved when he masticated his food. He frowned as he consumed the orange and it was clear he ate because he had to, not because he liked the taste. Then he saw her looking and put the slice down, refusing to eat while she was watching. She rolled her eyes for the second time that morning and turned her back towards him. She nibbled greedily on her pitiful excuse for a breakfast. Maybe the cafeteria at the home would take pity on her and offer some miso soup.

__

Times like this make me miss my mother's oden...

Blue eyes drifted to watch the demon's reflection on the microwave door. He was eating slower than before. When he finished he poked an elegant finger into his mouth and moved it around, cleaning his teeth. He had to make the pointing gesture to do so, and he did it perfectly with only a tiny tremor in his wrist.

Emptiness curled behind her heart. If he was coordinating his fingers this quickly, that meant he'd probably try to walk with the parallel bars today. He was improving faster than she thought. His dependence on her seemed to be ending too soon for her liking.

Sighing, Kagome approached him with the warm formula in hand. Sesshoumaru lifted his shirt to expose the button without complaint, but kept his head down and wouldn't meet her eyes when she hooked him up. He sat in the wheelchair with his knees together, arms hanging limp over the chair's wheels and the empty bowl in his lap.

Kagome hung the bag on the rack. The pump beeped to let her know it was occluded. A quick flush with water had the formula flowing properly.

Sesshoumaru picked his head up. His disgusted expression morphed to deadpan, but his eyes were dilated in something Kagome could only interpret as sheer terror. Slender eyebrows curved upwards above his nose, wrinkling his brow. The pulse in his neck throbbed ninety miles a minute. His colored markings shrank to almost nothing, making him look oddly human. He let his shirt fall in place over the tube and wrapped his arm around his torso.

She blinked. He was looking at her like a deer about to be run over by a truck...or like somebody having a flashback of something horrible.

"What's wrong?" Kagome bent down, "Are you in pain?"

Well, he wasn't grimacing, but he was also pretty good at going poker-faced at the worst times. She reached down to probe his abdomen for any lumps or tender spots. The demon lord pushed her hands away. His fingers trembled. Smoldering gold eyes stared into hers with pupils shaped like the bottom of a canoe. They grew further, darkening his irises from amber to bronze. Sweat broke out on his brow. He started panting. Fear bled into his aura. It was a rare occurrence for any emotion to enter it, but when it did it meant he was feeling something extreme.

Was he...was he afraid of her?

"Sesshoumaru? Look at me," but when he wouldn't, she took his face in her hands.

He closed his eyes and actually cringed at her touch. For a second he appeared on the verge of tears. The hand pressed to his torso moved down over his G tube button.

"You think I..." Understanding flashed in Kagome's dark eyes. "Sesshoumaru, I'd never do that to you! Oh, God, I'm sorry I said that thing about pulling the plug...I didn't mean it! I'd never do that just because you made me mad! I'm so sorry! You're not a prisoner here! I'm just taking care of you, I'm a nurse - a healer of sorts. I'm not going to hurt you. Ever."

Sesshoumaru's eyes opened at the word 'healer', revealing his pupils had returned to their correct spindle shape. His violet crescent moon and magenta stripes grew back. He leaned forward until his forehead came to rest against her shoulder. It wasn't an apologetic gesture, just one of resolution. Submitting himself completely to her.

It seemed so _wrong_. He hated humans. He'd rather die than _submit_. Yet there he was, doing just that.

"I'd never hurt you, Sesshoumaru," Kagome gazed down at the crown of his head. She felt his hand on her hip, fingers rhythmically flexing, and didn't have the heart to make him move it someplace else. His eyes were half closed in the "nursing" trance. Disturbing him when he looked so peaceful seemed cruel.

__

He used to be so...so emotionally distant. Now at times he almost seems like a little kid. If that dream was what really happened to him, the isolation must've changed him a lot more than he lets on. He's hurting in a way no medicine can help. Kagome raised her hand, hesitated and let it rest against his hair. He closed his eyes and leaned into it.

__

He needs me...just as much as I need him.


	6. Mysterious Torment

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 6  
Mysterious Torment

o0o

"Okay, ready?"

A head, full of silver hair gathered in a ponytail, nodded once.

Sesshoumaru extended a graceful hand and gripped the right bar. Kagome guided his left hand to the other bar. Hana stood in front of Sesshoumaru, grasping the thick elastic belt around his waist. Akemi waited behind, gripping the handles of his wheelchair.

Kagome felt the muscles in Sesshoumaru's back flex. At the same time he gripped the bars tight, and with Hana's aid he hauled himself onto his feet. His form towered over all three women. He looked at the bars and Hana, then over his shoulder at Akemi.

"Don't worry," Kagome patted his shoulder, "We're not gonna let you fall. Trust us. Trust yourself. You can do this. One foot at a time now."

Hard determination steeled Sesshoumaru's golden eyes. Fixing his gaze straight ahead, he slid his right foot forward. He moved like his legs were heavy logs attached to his hips. His first real step in centuries sent tremors through his body. Everybody offered words of encouragement. An annoyed expression tightened his lips.

"SHHH!" Sesshoumaru hissed.

Everybody startled into shutting up. Kagome prayed he didn't get angry enough to melt the bar with his poison claws.

Sesshoumaru straightened again. He grunted and stretched out his foot, which prompted Hana to step with him. He slid his hands ahead, then lifted his other foot. Right. Left. Repeat.

His breath huffed when he reached the halfway point. Perspiration glistened around his hairline. The effort he was putting out for such a simple act like walking seemed tremendous. He carried the burden with amazing dignity, pushing himself inexorably towards his goal.

Sesshoumaru's sweat, Kagome realized, smelled exactly like thyme. She easily recalled the same scent surrounding him the night before. It was a calming, inoffensive odor. Kagome only noticed this due to her proximity to his armpit. She suddenly didn't feel so bad over forgetting to show him the wonders of deodorant - he didn't need any.

__

Damn you, pretty bastard. Even your B.O. smells nice. And it struck Kagome so funny she giggled to herself.

"You can sit and rest if you want."

Gilded eyes glared a hole in Hana's forehead. Sesshoumaru was NOT going to stop and rest until he walked the entire length of those bars. Even if it killed him. He nearly lunged at her when he took his next step. Any fatigue he had a minute ago disappeared under his fiery persistence.

It took him almost thirty minutes to ambulate from point A to point B. Barely ten feet, and it exhausted him. Only after he saw nothing more to grip did he let himself sink into the wheelchair. Sweating, panting and worn, he rested with his eyes closed and a triumphant smirk on his lips. His glittering skin was like white marble against his black clothing.

"...I never saw anybody walk the whole way on their first try." Akemi whispered to Hana. They'd been talking for quite some time, but Kagome hadn't been paying attention.

"And he's amazingly strong for someone in his condition." Hana straightened her braid and pushed her glasses up on her nose, "Sometimes I swear he's not even human."

Sesshoumaru's amused smirk grew when he heard that. He actually looked up at Kagome and winked.

"I know." Kagome smiled as if he actually spoke aloud. She watched him wipe the dampness off his brow and asked, "Feel like a soda?"

Eyebrow twitch.

"Ah, yeah," She whispered to him, "sodas are a modern drink. There's a ton of brands and flavors. They taste great when you're all hot and sweaty."

He shrugged one shoulder, his samue rustling against his skin.

Kagome wiped a stray bang off her forehead and turned to Hana, "Hey, Hana!"

"Yeah?"

"Grab a couple of sodas. Caffeine free."

"I'd have one too, but I can't stay," Akemi made a face. This week her hair was a normal shade of black. She examined her nails, frowning, "My shift's over in a minute. My mom's coming over, so I need to clean up my house before she gets there and goes through all my stuff."

"She STILL does that?" Hana looked appalled. She shook her head and headed out to grab the sodas Kagome requested, but paused in the doorway, "Good grief, I hope she doesn't lay out all your sex toys like that one time."

Sesshoumaru turned his head at the word 'sex toys'.

Akemi grinned over at the demon, "You know what she means, right? Dildos, vibrators, butt pl- " she was cut off by Kagome's hand clamping over her mouth.

"Akemi," she said lightly through her teeth, "I don't think you need to give the man ideas when he's living in my apartment!"

All three women laughed. Poor Sesshoumaru just stared at them like they grew extra heads.

Hana disappeared to grab the sodas. Akemi vanished as well, casting a wave over her shoulder on the way out.

"Ugh, sometimes I swear the term 'too much info' escapes that girl." Kagome dropped her smile when Akemi left. She pulled up a chair next to Sesshoumaru, who sat with his chin propped on his palm.

Sesshoumaru looked utterly serene in the sunlight coming through the window. Its light outlined him so his hair nearly shone white against his black attire. A pale line followed the shape of his face and hand, dancing off the glittery gold rims of his impassive eyes. Everything in the universe seemed to stop around him. If the universe was a storm, he was its calm eye. But Kagome knew his peaceful exterior harbored a turbulent soul. How could he look so calm when he seemed near a breaking point inside?

"I stole the last three," Hana reappeared with three caffeine-free Pepsi cans balanced on her arm. She handed two to Kagome and sipped from her own, which she must have opened on the way. "Ahh."

"Poor Ishiro's gonna be ticked off tonight. Serves him right." Kagome set one can down. Tapping the top with her fingers, she hooked her fingernails under the metal loop and cracked it upwards. Click-clack! Her thumb sank into the opening and brushed against the cool, bubbling liquid within. She licked her thumb off, handing the can to Sesshoumaru. "Here. Don't worry about that sizzling noise, it's the carbonation."

The demon's pale fingers closed around the moist aluminum cylinder. Bringing the can to his face, he gave it a few dubious sniffs before allowing himself a small sip. His sipping made a little slurping noise. He licked his lips and swallowed some more. Both eyebrows went up. He started gulping it down like water.

__

The Lord of the West drinking a coke. Man, I wish I had a camera. Kagome opened her own soda. "Good stuff, eh?" She watched his Adam's apple bob. "Ooh, don't drink too fast or you'll - "

Pain twisted his face into a grimace. He patted his chest with his fist and leaned forward. Covered his mouth like a gentleman, turned his head away and emitted a soft, controlled burp. The discomfort instantly left his expression. He fanned the air in front of his face for a few seconds. Curious eyes looked around for a place to discard the empty can.

Somehow, Kagome never imagined him committing indignities like burping, passing gas and going to the bathroom. Yet she'd seen him do all of the above, and it felt weird being reminded he was almost a mortal just like her. It also reminded her never to flavor his soup with teriyaki again. Not only did he hate the spice, he put out enough methane to rival an army of cows.

She completely forgot Hana was there until she saw her walk over to Sesshoumaru. "Here, I'll take care of that for you."

Nonchalantly, Sesshoumaru handed his empty soda can over, acknowledging the nurse about as much as he'd acknowledge a slave. Then he swung himself around and wrapped a graceful hand around one of the parallel bars. He started hauling himself upright. Kagome forgot her can on the windowsill in her haste to support him. She stayed with him while he walked the length of the bars, turned and went back, putting all his effort into sliding one foot ahead of the other.

Kagome had to leave him to do rounds. She left him in Hana's care.

Word came back that he did "laps" on the bars until sweat plastered his bangs to his forehead and a faint sheen glistened on his pale skin. He put forth immense effort. His first walk took thirty minutes. Doing laps cut the time in half, and he exhausted himself. When Kagome finished her rounds and came to collect him in the afternoon, she found he'd fallen asleep in his chair.

Once home, Sesshoumaru woke up and Kagome gave him a bath to wash the day's workout off his skin and hair. When tired, she discovered he had a harder time swallowing; he almost choked on the raw sashimi she made just for him. He retired right after that, sleeping through his evening tube feeding.

o0o

Darkness still hung thick outside when Kagome awoke. She heard paper and plastic shifting. Curious, she donned her robe and padded around the divider wall, her hair falling into place around her shoulders.

There sat Sesshoumaru in his chair, the first of Tetsura's many notebooks spread open across his lap. Beside him, on the coffee table, glowed the scented candle Kagome kept as a decoration. Her living room now smelled like a pine forest. The delicate flame shivered every time Sesshoumaru turned a page.

If Tetsura's journals and photographs had any emotional effect on the demon lord, they didn't show. He simply sat there and read the writing or gazed at the photos the same way he looked at everything else. Utterly indifferent. Occasionally, he bent down and sniffed the paper. His hair fell around him like strands of a spider's web.

Something was different. Kagome stared for a while until she realized he was wearing his full demon attire. Armor, kimono, hakama, obi - everything. How he got himself dressed she'd never know, but it was clear he couldn't stand up while wearing his armor yet. Not surprising, Kagome had hell just hauling it to her house. It was utterly odd seeing him dressed in his full gear while sitting in that wheelchair. The familiarity _hurt_.

He looked like the Lord of the West again when she ignored the chair.

A closer examination revealed his eyes were far away, wistful and a little misty.

Narrow nostrils flared. Sesshoumaru turned his head. For a moment his face was illuminated by silver moonlight on one side and golden candlelight on the other. Half his visage appeared harsh and cold. The other soft and wounded. Past and present crashing together. His hair became waterfalls of burning ice cascading around his shoulders.

Kagome held her breath. Every time she saw him he became more beautiful to her.

"You were in bad shape that first day."

Gilded eyes met sapphire. Sometimes his eyes made her feel like she didn't exist.

Moving over, Kagome eased to sit on the recliner next to Sesshoumaru. He was staring at a photo depicting himself with the tracheostomy in place. It resembled a white choker around his neck with the trach tube poking out the middle. Two hands were reaching in from off camera, gently inserting a thin red tube into the trach.

Sesshoumaru eyed the image and twitched a slender eyebrow.

"She's suctioning you." Kagome pushed her dark hair over her shoulder, saying, "When people have a trach, their body generates secretions that have to be cleaned out or they'll clog the tube. With good care a person can survive with one indefinitely."

She ducked her head and turned the page. Photos of the procedure to remove the trach popped up. For awhile he had gauze taped to his throat. "This is when they took it out. You were getting better and gaining weight by then, according to her entries."

A cool, smooth index finger curled beneath her chin and raised her head. Kagome found herself looking into Sesshoumaru's eyes, his face barely four inches from hers. His golden orbs swirled. She felt herself being stripped naked, having her skin peeled off and all of her organs flung away until only her soul remained.

"What are - "

He covered her lips with his thumb. His eyes continued searching hers. Her own widened in curiosity and trepidation. She didn't know what he was looking for.

Kagome tilted her head half an inch to the left. She lifted an eyebrow like he so often did. His eyes shimmered in reply. The thumb on her lips started to move back and forth. His own lips curled into an almost-smile of apparent approval. Then his hand withdrew, his face retreating from the moonlight like a fading ghost.

o0o

A small cheer went up as Ken blew out all nineteen candles on his lemon-filled birthday cake. Ken then grabbed a handful of it and shoved it into his mouth, splattering brown icing all over his shirt.

"Num!" He shoved the gooey hand towards Sesshoumaru.

Sesshoumaru politely shook his head no. He held Ken's dark eyes for a moment, stilling the young man so Hana could clean his hand off. He lifted an eyebrow. Ken smiled as if hearing a private joke. When Sesshoumaru looked away, Ken came out of his trance as if nothing happened.

"Cake!"

Kagome spooned a piece into Vicki's open mouth and laughed. "Yeah, Ken, it's your cake. But you can't eat it all at once or you'll have another boo-boo."

The teenager squirmed and picked at his clothes. He finally pointed to Sesshoumaru and blurted, "Yasha's brodder!"

A slender eyebrow went up. Gold eyes moved from Ken to Kagome.

She leaned over to whisper in Sesshoumaru's ear, "I've been telling him the stories about my adventures in the past. I hope you don't mind."

His eyes moved to Ken and back to her.

Kagome lowered her voice further, "He's mentally retarded because he had meningitis as a baby. He functions at the level of a toddler. People would just think he's excited about some fantasy tale, so I figured what the heck and told some stories to entertain him."

A soft, understanding nod.

Vicki shuddered as she probed her speaking device with her headstick. The machine she typed on was called a Liberator and it could be set to speak in a male, female or child's voice. A fantastic invention one could program to speak pretty much any language on Earth.

"He is so attractive. His girlfriend must be the luckiest girl on Earth."

Laughter bubbled in Kagome's throat. She wiped a blob of chewed cake off Vicki's chin. One had to have a strong stomach and a lot of patience to feed her. "I don't think he has a girlfriend right now."

The woman's eyes popped open wide. Her pouty mouth did a second later. She flailed helplessly in laughter and hurried to type, "Better grab him while you can."

Kagome glanced at Sesshoumaru, who was arching a brow at her again. "I'm probably not his type."

"Is he big?"

She gasped, "Vicki! You pervert!"

Again, Vicki flailed in attempt to type quickly. Strings of drool flowed off her bottom lip despite her efforts to keep her mouth closed. Her fingers curled and contorted each time she bobbed her head, but her lively eyes danced with laughter. "You bathe him, you've seen it...so is it big?"

Leaning over, Kagome whispered, "I don't think we should discuss it in his presence, he's got a lot of pride, you know."

Vicki grinned. Her machine said, "He's big."

Both burst into fits of giggles. If Sesshoumaru heard them, he didn't acknowledge their conversation at all.

o0o

Time slipped around Kagome like water rolling over stones in a stream. Days seemed eternal until she checked her calendar and saw a week just went by. Then two. Then four.

During those long days she watched Sesshoumaru struggle on the parallel bars. She watched him fight uncooperative fingers to hold a pencil and write. She watched him attempt and fail at holding chopsticks. He was taking strides in the big things. But the little things still stopped him. The little, important things people did every day without thinking.

She feared he'd never regain those abilities. Another part of her feared that he would, because that would mean he'd just need to walk and then he would be free to leave.

His feeding button came out early in the third week. The hole sealed in twelve hours, but she made him keep a gauze pad taped on the spot when they went out to protect his demonic secret. She warned him that he had to _eat_ or the tube would be put back in.

Kagome soon discovered he was extremely fond of meat in any form she could buy. He still refused to put anything solid in his mouth while she was watching. She finally resorted to cooking his meals and leaving them out on the counter. The plates never failed to be empty when she returned, and he had a _big_ appetite. She swore her grocery bills doubled after his G-tube button came out.

Kagome also went out shopping for clothes. Sesshoumaru wasn't strong enough for an adventure like that yet, so they worked out a compromise. Using the measurements of Sesshoumaru's Feudal Era kimono and the waist and length of his hakama as a size guide, Kagome bought him a few sets of shirts, sweaters, jeans and slacks. Some were clothes he'd circled in the catalogue she gave him, others were items she thought would suit him. A few hakama sets and kimonos went in, too, just to give him something traditional when he sank into those odd depressed moods around the full moon. The last item she bought was a steal - on sale at fifty percent off and just inside her price range.

Grumbling good-naturedly about the Harajuku district being a zoo, she opened her door and kicked her shoes off. It was Saturday, which meant today and tomorrow were her last days off for the month.

"I'm home, and I have a lot to offer." Kagome grinned. "I have all the receipts here in case something doesn't fit, and it's no problem if I have to exchange anything."

A few? Kagome felt like she just bought out half the department store. Clothes got heavy after awhile. She dropped everything on the foot of Sesshoumaru's bed and gazed over at the recliner.

There sat Sesshoumaru right where she left him, Tetsura's last notebook on the coffee table beside him. He was staring at the flickering television set. He wore a baggy blue V-neck sweater with white stripes across the chest and jeans that clung snugly to the shapes of his legs. With his hair pulled in a neat ponytail at the nape of his neck, he made her feel like a male, barefoot supermodel just dropped into her apartment to be photographed.

At the sound of Kagome's voice, he lazily acknowledged her with an arched eyebrow. The TV station he watched was running an outdated documentary on the arrival of Christopher Columbus in America. It was in English.

"You understand English?" She asked as she closed the front door.

Sesshoumaru smirked and nodded once. Kagome wondered just how many languages he knew. Wondered if she'd ever hear his voice again. Sometimes she honestly did miss it.

"Hey, I have something for you." Kagome moved to approach him.

He held up a hand to stop her and pushed himself up. Kagome watched him let go of the wall and walk to her without any outside assistance. His feet weren't steady and his gait awkward, but he walked all by himself. The room was so small he only had to take about six steps to reach her. Six steps that, to him, still probably seemed like miles.

The gift forgotten in its bag, Kagome met him in the middle of the living room. She slid her arms around the demon lord's waist and pressed herself to his front. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. "You walked on your own!"

Sesshoumaru made no move to return Kagome's embrace. Kagome didn't dare lean too heavily on him for fear of making him fall. She looked up to find his impassive eyes staring down at her. He arched a brow as if wondering why she made such a big deal of it. Then his nose twitched and his gaze drifted to the paper and plastic shopping bags piled on his bed.

"Oh!" She blushed and let go, feeling like she just violated his personal space without permission. "Go sit down again, I have something for you."

He gave her a curious look, but did as she said. His gait was that of an old man - slow, unsteady, but inexorable. The main thing was he _walked_...the bird realized its wings did indeed work, and soon she would watch it fly away. Shaking her thoughts off with a grin, Kagome pulled a wrapped gift from the nearest paper bag and walked up to Sesshoumaru. She handed it to him.

Sesshoumaru's claws dented the silver gift wrap. He brought the present to his nose, sniffed it, turned it over to examine the lavish gold bow that matched his eyes and finally arched a brow. Clearly having no idea what he was supposed to do. Kagome could almost hear him thinking, _she gave me a decorated box. What good will this do me?_

Quiet giggles bubbled in her throat when she sat next to him, "You tear off the paper and the real gift is inside. It's how we give gifts in this time, Sesshoumaru. The paper makes it more of a surprise."

Kagome waited while Sesshoumaru placed the present in his lap and tore gently at the edges of the paper. He didn't just rip into it like a little child would. He seemed to savor the anticipation. The last of the paper fell away and he lifted the lid off the box. She helped him unfold the tissue paper to uncover his surprise.

It was the satin Kung Fu shirt he saw in the catalogue.

Slowly, he lifted the shirt from the box and watched it unfurl in his grasp. Right then Kagome knew it was meant for him. The silver-white blended with his hair and its gold trim brought out his stunning eyes.

"Try it on?"

The demon lord didn't hesitate. He pulled the sweater over his head and slid his arms into the smooth softness. She helped him sweep his flowing hair out from underneath and pulled the buttons through the delicate loops. He pushed her fingers away and tried to do it himself, but his hands didn't quite work yet. She helped him. With careful hands she smoothed the rumpled fabric down against his warm skin. Her fingers accidentally brushed over the soft bumps of his nipples through the material. Underneath, his muscles flexed and relaxed.

Kagome blushed and stepped back to examine him.

The shirt fit beautifully. It brought attention to the shape of Sesshoumaru's body without clinging too tightly to his skin. Kagome liked how the gold trim framing the mandarin collar drew the eye towards his pale face and highlighted his amazing eyes. Its hem extended just below his hips, accenting his long legs.

When dressed in satin, the demon lord looked like an angel. That shirt seemed made only for him and no one else.

Kagome helped Sesshoumaru to her bedroom and opened the wardrobe door. It had a full length mirror inside. Sesshoumaru glanced at his reflection a few times, then languidly nodded his approval. The slight softness that passed over his eyes became the only thanks he offered.

"Here, look at yourself like this." She raised a hand, waiting for an okay. When he nodded again, she gently undid the gold clasp holding his hair in a ponytail. The freed silver tresses fell into place, outlining his shoulders and neck. "That'd look great with the white slacks I found, but you can pull it off with jeans too."

Sesshoumaru's head turned, eyes looking from Kagome's hands to her face. Throughout their one-sided verbal conversation her hands had been resting on his hips and adjusting the hem of the shirt. His nostrils flared the way they often did when he caught a scent. Casually, he closed his fingers around her left forearm and brought the underside of her wrist to his nose. She felt the faintest suction as he sniffed her skin like one would smell a fine wine.

Warmth flushed Kagome's cheeks. She watched her face go red in the mirror. "Oh, that. I tried perfume while I was out. Jasmine, just like I used to wear while I was in high school. Haven't worn it in y-"

The hand holding her wrist covered her mouth. Suddenly his face came closer to hers. At the last second he diverted to her throat, his slightly cold nose almost brushing the skin. She heard him rapidly breathing in and out. Tiny wisps from his breath tickled the hairs on her neck. Goosebumps formed all across her body. A faint alarm bell reminded her that he had fangs behind those small lips and they were less than an inch from her jugular vein.

__

Well, she comforted herself darkly, _if he does rip it out, I'll be dead in about a minute or two, so it's not like I'll suffer too long. Maybe he'll go for the carotid artery just to watch my blood splatter all over the wall_. A smirk curled her lips, _no, he likes that shirt too much...maybe he'd settle for snapping my neck and disconnecting my brainstem from my body?_

It got so quiet she heard the soft snuffling sounds he made. Every so often his cool nose brushed her skin, causing her to shiver.

Then she bit her tongue, _shut up, stupid! You're all he has left. And why is my heart pounding?_

Kagome stared at their reflection in the mirror. Her hair was up in a bun and pulled away from her features. She hadn't changed much over the years, save for the bit of lipstick and eyeliner she never wore in high school. Sometimes she thought her nose was too small and her lips too big, so she often wore light matte lip-colors to downplay her mouth. And her figure...feh. Slightly pear-shaped. Average. Then again floral-print scrubs weren't exactly sexy, but she liked the lavender tank top and white vest currently adorning her upper body. She did have nice legs, though, and the pleated denim skirt she wore showed them off nicely.

The curve of Sesshoumaru's face seemed to fit perfectly into the slope of her throat. Like two puzzle pieces that completed a picture.

A slight lurch in Sesshoumaru's posture jerked Kagome from her reverie. Too late. He'd lost his balance and the only direction he had to fall was onto her. Kagome gave a startled squeak. She instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck in attempt to catch him. Her tailbone smashed painfully on the wooden edge of her platform bed. Soft mattress fluffed around her, muffling the impact.

Kagome lay there dazed with the wind forced out of her lungs. She felt Sesshoumaru's full weight on top of her, pinning her in place. Every breath, heartbeat and tremble in his muscles dug into her consciousness. His body heat bled through the satin and seared her wherever she touched him. Her arms had nowhere to go except against his chest or around his neck.

After a stunned moment, she finally asked, "Are you all right?"

Penetrating, slightly dilated amber eyes gazed down in reply. They blinked slowly, long dark lashes briefly framing pale cheekbones. He tilted his head and a silver curtain of bangs drifted across his crescent moon. Black pupils shifted in the changing light. His small pink lips parted, baring a hint of white. Heated breath issued forth between them.

Gentleness lidded Kagome's blue eyes. She reached up and cupped the masculine bulge of his larynx in her palm, wondering if his voice still lived inside. It bobbed in a swallow. His pulse throbbed under her fingertips. She could feel the vibration of blood roaring through his veins.

"Are you ready yet?"

He shook his head.

The documentary playing when Kagome arrived home ended. Another one began, something about slavery and poverty. The first sound was a whip lashing, probably a re-enactment of the conditions back then. Sesshoumaru froze at the sound. He snapped his head up and looked around. His nose worked the air. She felt him tense against her.

"Sesshoumaru?" She stared up at his paling expression, "It's just the TV behind the wall."

A man with a deep voice rattled off facts about a certain year while chains rattled and people moaned. A very watered down replay of some slave camp being taken over.

Sesshoumaru gripped a fistful of the sheets. He started breathing in ragged pants. His pulse raced and his eyes dilated. The exact same look he had when Kagome made a sarcastic reference to pulling the plug on him. Beads of sweat glittered around his hairline. He was frozen, braced for an impact that never came.

Then his eyes turned bright red. He was literally foaming at the mouth when he sat up on his knees.

Kagome scrambled to shut off the TV. When she returned to the bedroom, he still sat there on his knees, staring at the floor. His hands moved to wipe something invisible off his shoulders and legs. He'd gone as pale as his hair, a white ghost against her granite gray carpet. Mouth slightly open, shoulders sagging, he just stared straight ahead in a daze. The hands rubbing his arms moved to clutch at his throat.

"Sesshoumaru?" She knelt in front of him.

Sesshoumaru jerked away from her like her presence burned his flesh. The sudden motion sent him crashing back-first against the wall. Stucco cracked on impact. He slid down to sit, grimacing, his hair in disarray around his legs.

"Sesshoumaru! It's me, it's Kagome. Hey, what's going on?" Kagome felt her forehead wrinkle. His haunted eyes told her that, wherever he was, it wasn't in the present. She stepped closer, which only made him hold up his forearm to shield his face. She grabbed it and pulled it down. "Hey!"

Dark lashes flickered. He blinked twice. The terrified look melted off his face, replaced by his usual calm. He narrowed his eyes, braced his weight on her shoulder and pushed himself to his feet, staggering away as if nothing happened.

Straightening her rumpled clothes, Kagome followed him. "Hey, what was THAT all about?"

Sesshoumaru pinned her with his narrowed eyes. They were harder than diamonds and opaque as black glass, and practically screamed at her not to ask that question.

Her breath escaped as a sigh. "Okay...I won't ask...but are you all right now?"

Whatever anger remained dissipated from his eyes. He sobered, nodded once and staggered back to collapse on the recliner. Picking up the open notebook, he started reading the page where he left off. His hand stilled when he came upon the pages depicting him with his hair pulled into a topknot braid. Dark softness crossed his features. He lowered his thumb to cover the his crescent moon in each one, eyes growing faraway.

Kagome began to wonder if it was still a good idea to let him stay in her home. Another part of her mind harshly reminded her that casting him out would leave him feeling just as abandoned as she did years ago.

Abandonment was one pain she never wished on anyone. Sesshoumaru least of all.


	7. He Speaks

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 7  
He Speaks

o0o

Monday made for a hot, sticky day shortly after sunrise. Two days and the nasty heat wave still boiled on. Weathermen cautioned people to stay indoors, drink plenty of fluids, and listed the most common symptoms of heat exhaustion and dehydration.

It was so hot Kagome opted to drive Sesshoumaru to the home rather than walk and wheel him like she normally did. He liked to look around when she pushed him along, sometimes stopping her to examine a curious item more closely, but not today. She didn't know how well he'd handle the unnatural city heat. Driving him just felt safer.

Plus, he'd insisted on wearing that satin shirt with white slacks. If there was a worse material to wear in hot weather, she didn't know its name. Although, Kagome had to admit - he looked _stunning_. She woke up that morning to find him standing in the sunlight coming through the skylight, his hair, skin and clothes glowing like white fire. She'd almost forgotten he wasn't a statue molded out of marble and clay.

Kagome pulled her little black Mitsubishi into the parking lot. Shutting off the engine, she turned to Sesshoumaru. "Hang on and I'll get the chair." When he glared at her, she went on, "It's the rules. Until you're stable on your feet you have to enter and leave in the chair, even if you can walk a bit on your own."

Sesshoumaru freed himself of the safety belt clasp, pushed the door open and climbed out. Kagome unfolded the chair so he could sit down. He eased his bottom onto the seat, kicking down the footrests. Then his nose went up into the air. He looked over his shoulder with the familiar 'now start pushing me along, servant' glint in his eye.

A giggle worked itself past Kagome's diaphragm. "As you wish, Mr. I'm-So-Important."

He just huffed and faced forward.

"Oh!" Kagome froze in place, "Damn, I almost forgot, I need to turn a few things in. We'll be going in the back way since it's faster. Hold on." She pulled the trunk open to grab two charts, a notebook and some X-ray films sealed inside a large manilla envelope. "I promise we'll head straight to the therapy room after I do this, all right?"

Twin gold suns narrowed and she worried he'd just get up and walk in by himself. But he stayed in the chair, staring at the sky while the sun beat down on his silver hair. He had no desire to have it put up, so it just sat there suffocating the back of his neck. Not a drop of sweat appeared on his skin. He only seemed to perspire when nervous, scared or exerting himself.

"Aha." Kagome tucked her findings into the back of Sesshoumaru's chair. "Thanks for being patient," she added, looking both ways before she guided the chair towards the back entrance.

A few minutes later found her pushing the demon lord around a different route to the therapy room. They had just rounded a corner when Sesshoumaru jerked his head up, snapped his arm out and grabbed a nearby doorway, long nails digging into the paint. A few bits chipped off. His sudden motion snapped Kagome to full attention.

"What? Is something wrong?"

He snuffled, turning his head to the door. She followed his gaze. Her eyes blinked when she read the chart.

They were outside Tetsura's room. Her chart confirmed it.

The door was open, but the curtains were drawn around the bed. Silhouettes of an orderly with a bedpan and a sitting figure flickered across the pale blue cloth.

Kagome eased Sesshoumaru away from the doorway and slipped inside. She stayed politely outside the curtain.

The female orderly peeked around, speaking over the tell tale tinkle of urine hitting metal, "She'll be a minute. Need something?"

She looked over at the older woman, smiling at the old fashioned nurse's hat. "Yeah, just a visitor is all."

"Who do I hear out there?" Asked a friendly, deep female voice.

"A sweet young nurse," the female orderly peered around the curtain, "Ah, finished?" She looked back at Kagome, "Just a moment, let me get her decent."

Kagome smiled, "Sure."

Rustling ensued. The crackle of an absorbent pad, a brief whiff of fresh urine and the 'oof' of a body settling back into bed. Then the curtain moved.

Tetsura looked just as she did in the last photograph Kagome saw of her. Plump with a round face and smiling brown eyes that bore no ill will towards anyone. Her almost-gray hair was drawn up into a braid that dangled onto her bosom.

"Ahh, hello nurse..." Tetsura squinted at the nametag, "Higurashi! What brings you to my room?"

"Well, I was passing by on a different route than I normally take when I noticed your name on the chart." Another smile teased Kagome's lips when Tetsura raised both eyebrows. "I have someone with me that I think you'd like to meet."

"I love company," the old woman raised the head of her bed to sit up.

Kagome smiled and looked to the door, "Come on, it's okay."

Sesshoumaru's fingers gripped the doorframe as he pulled himself upright. Without a word he walked into the room and stopped at Tetsura's bedside, his gold eyes peering down at her homely face.

"Oh..." Tetsura gasped. She clapped a hand over her mouth, tears forming in her eyes "Oh! Dorimingu! My angel...you're awake! Look at you..." Holding both hands up, she touched his arm and a strand of hair that curled against the sheets.

Surprisingly, Sesshoumaru bent down and allowed her to cup his face in both palms. The expression he wore remained utterly unreadable. His eyes searched her features. Kagome saw his nostrils flaring to take in her scent. Recognition flashed over him. He _remembered_...he _could_ smell while he was unconscious. And wasn't scent the strongest sense tied to memory?

"His name is Sesshoumaru." And lower, Kagome added, "He hasn't spoken yet, but he's told me in writing that he will when he's ready. He woke up just a few weeks ago and has been undergoing therapy here the whole time."

"Sesshoumaru," Tetsura tested his name on her tongue, "It's unique, just like his face. And his eyes...do you hear that, my angel? You're unique and beautiful."

Sesshoumaru gave no reaction to the compliment. He sat down on the edge of the bed and let this woman caress his face and hair, his eyes never leaving hers. Kagome couldn't tell if he was grateful or thinking of ways to kill her. Maybe he didn't know what to think.

Yet they stared at each other for ages. Finally, Sesshoumaru reached up and closed his fingers around her wrist. The faintest smile graced the corners of his lips. He dipped his head. Then he seemed to have enough and he started to withdraw. The old woman understood and let him go, watching as he wobbled towards the door.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru?"

He paused, eyeing Kagome.

"Think you can make it to the therapy room on your own?"

An eyebrow twitch. Then he was gone.

"I knew he would wake up one day." Tetsura blew her nose in a tissue, "I knew!"

"I believed it too. He became my patient after you had to give him up. Funds ran short so I took him home, that's where he woke up. I read all your notebooks and...I can't thank you enough." A lump swelled in her throat, "He would've died if you weren't there to nurse him back to health. I do have to ask you something, though."

"Ask away, honey."

"What made you fight for his right to live? I saw what he looked like when they pulled him from the forest, he was such a mess." Kagome shook her head, "I'm not questioning your choice, I'm just curious."

Tetsura turned towards Kagome. Her round, wrinkled face softened. "When I turned on the water and rinsed the soap off his white face, I got the feeling he was a relic of the distant past. Something about him seemed strikingly old, even though he looked barely out of his teenage years. His face was not the face of a boy wanting to die, but that of a fallen angel with a broken heart who still had a life to live. I wanted...I hoped to see him wake up and find himself a woman that would love him with all her heart. That man deserves to, no, needs to be loved, nurse Higurashi. He _needs_ to be loved."

Kagome tilted her head, digesting the words.

"I saw into his eyes when he bent down. Something within him still hurts. I saw how he looked at you, too," she paused to sip from her water glass. "I think you're the woman he's been waiting for."

She blushed, "He does have a tough past. I think a lot of people he cared about died."

Tetsura's eyes started to flutter. Her IV drip was kicking in. Morphine.

"I thank you again for saving him, Tetsura." Kagome stepped back and bowed politely. She knew better than to keep a tired patient awake. "He reminds me of someone I used to know."

The older woman was almost asleep, "He has that kind of face, doesn't he? And he has the most beautiful eyes...and beautiful hair..."

"Yeah, he sure does," she said. "You should sleep. I'll take care of him. I promise."

A smile creased Tetsura's dimpled face. Then she was asleep, looking peaceful. Kagome slipped out of the room and eyed the chart in the rack outside. Her face fell. Tetsura had terminal ovarian cancer, and likely didn't have long. Kagome smiled sadly - at least Tetsura got to see Sesshoumaru awake. Maybe now she could let go and pass away in peace.

o0o

Tokyo traffic was a nightmare. Here Kagome hoped to swing by the supermarket before heading home and now she was trapped bumper to bumper less than a block from her destination. Horns honked. Engines roared. Gas fumes flared. Tempers grew.

Sesshoumaru seemed utterly indifferent to the noise and smells. As usual he was the eye of the storm, utterly calm despite the chaos swirling all around. He just looked about, examining the colors and shapes of the different cars and their drivers.

Kagome struggled with the radio to find a traffic report. Most stations were either on commercial or playing music. Some stations transmitted in English and Chinese and various other languages.

"Sorry, Sesshoumaru, I didn't know the traffic would be bad. There's probably an accident at the intersection and - "

He batted her hand away and turned the volume up. Usually he turned it DOWN whenever she tried to play music. The notes filtering through the speakers belonged to an old American song. Kagome struggled to remember the artist's name.

__

" - gotta take a little time,  
A little time to think things over...  
I'm gonna read between the lines,  
in case I need it when I'm older."

And then a musical interlude, followed by the musician's crooning and moaning. Kagome tried to turn it down a little to think, but he turned it back up and pushed her hand away. The music kept playing while her mind tried to wrap around the artist. _Form...For...Foreigner! Geez, I haven't heard this song in a LONG time_.

__

"In my life,  
there's been heartache and pain!  
I don't know  
if I can face it again...  
Can't stop now,  
I've traveled so far  
to change this lonely life."

A small, strange pang settled behind Kagome's breastbone. Her eyes remained fixed on the tail lights straight ahead. Their red glow reminded her of Inuyasha's clothes. She tried looking at the car. It was a brand new, brilliant white Honda Accord.

__

"I wanna know what love is...  
I want you to show me.  
I wanna feel what love is...  
I know you can show me."

The singer's raspy voice bit into her ears. She soon became conscious of Sesshoumaru's eyes watching her. Through the corner of her eye she saw he'd propped his elbow against the window as if he'd ridden in a car every day of his life. His head was turned towards her, gaze searching like it had the night she found him dressed in his Feudal Era attire. Surrounding him was the white shimmer coming from his long hair.

__

"I'm gonna take a little time,  
A little time to look around me.  
I've got nowhere left to hide,  
It looks like love has finally found me."

Kagome tightened her grip on the steering wheel. Traffic inched forward. She chewed her lower lip hard, the lump in her throat swelling to prick at her eyes. Maybe if she pretended she was alone in the car, he'd stop staring.

His eyes remained fixed, their penetrating stare feeling like a laser against the corner of her left eye.

__

"In my life  
there's been heartache and pain!  
I don't know  
if I can face it again...  
I can't stop now,  
I've traveled so far,  
to change this lonely li- "

Finally, Kagome reached over and switched the radio off. The tears overflowed. She swatted the steering wheel in frustration, embarrassed to be breaking down right in front of Sesshoumaru. Her only consolation was her windows were tinted, so other motorists didn't have to witness her silent humiliation.

"Sorry," she whispered, even though she didn't even know what she was crying about the most. Inuyasha's absence, Tetsura's words about Sesshoumaru or her own frustration at not understanding his silence.

A horn blared in the distance. Sesshoumaru still hadn't moved.

"I'm trying so hard to understand you." Kagome angrily wiped tears off her puffy cheeks, "But I miss your voice, Sesshoumaru. I miss your voice..." she looked down at her lap, then straight up at her closed sunroof. "Just say _something_, I don't care what. Every language needs to be translated in a form both can understand, so translate your silence. Just..._talk_. Please."

Sesshoumaru's eyes finally freed her from their burning spell. He peered at the car ahead and breathed in. "You weep because you're afraid your heart will break again."

Just like that. He sounded as if they'd been talking for hours. His deep, velvety voice didn't have a hint of hoarseness or weakness, even after centuries of disuse.

Kagome looked over, a warmth pooling in her stomach. His voice came and went so suddenly she wondered if he ever really spoke at all. "Sesshoumaru..."

He pinned her with his eyes. His lips parted to form, "No more words."

Gentle silence came between them like a lull in conversation. Sesshoumaru still stared at her, colors from the city lights playing across his pupils, which were open in the evening dimness.

She found herself drawn into his eyes. He seemed just as taken by hers. Their faces gravitated towards one another, lips parting hungrily, wanting. Kagome closed her eyes and -

**__**

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNK!

Kagome jerked back to reality. The car ahead was long gone. She put hers in gear and pulled forward, her neck sinking into her shoulders. Heat flooded her cheeks. They were so close she'd felt his hot breath on her lips, and it was...she didn't know what to think!

Through the corner of her eye she saw Sesshoumaru staring out his window. Lights from flashing signs and street lamps cast various colors across his hair. This world was so foreign to him, she wondered what he thought of it all.

Flicking on her blinker, she swung the car into the black parking lot of the supermarket.

__

I'm going insane. But at least I know he can talk if he wants to, and that his speech centers and vocal cords are fine. I dunno how they're fine, but they are...and I'm glad for that.

"Want to walk this one?"

A corner of Sesshoumaru's small mouth lifted. He uncurled from the car, pulled his hair behind his back and pushed the door shut with a soft 'whump'.

Walking was getting easier for him now. Stairs and ramps still caused him trouble, but his balance had improved and he'd regained his natural, floating gait. Kagome watched him stop and stare at the automatic doors. She had to laugh, he probably thought they'd close on him.

"Hey, they're for convenience." Kagome bit back a rude snicker, "They're not gonna eat you. C'mon, just walk through."

Sesshoumaru stepped through the door and immediately covered his nose with one hand, overwhelmed by the odors. A few people literally stopped in their tracks to stare at him. Some in fear, others in admiration. Kagome startled and reached up to tug his hair over his ears, covering them.

He blinked down at her sudden movement.

"They wouldn't understand."

__

Ah, his eyes said. His stoic expression darkened, but he nodded and left his hair alone.

"C'mon, I'll show you how we shop in modern times. Grab a cart." Kagome pointed to one of the metal shopping carts lined up against the wall. At the same time she checked her money and pulled out her shopping list. The unoccupied part of her mind repeatedly asked her why, all of a sudden, being around Sesshoumaru made her feel both elated and melancholy.

And watching Sesshoumaru trying to maneuver a shopping cart with a gimpy wheel was worth the whole trip. He glared at her. She smiled and walked over to help him find one with four decent wheels.

Sesshoumaru quietly pushed the cart while Kagome walked about the store, picking out various items on her list. Sushi, LOTS of ramen, rice, cereal, different meats, fruits and vegetables. Shampoo, conditioner, toilet paper and tampons came next.

Sesshoumaru's nose was sniffing a mile a minute every time they reached a new aisle. People kept staring at him. Even in his up-to-date attire, he looked utterly out of place in such a modern setting. Too gorgeous, too tall, too pale, too exotic. He floated amidst the boxes and bottles like a ghost through mist.

Kagome glanced over when he tugged backwards on the cart. He was holding a bottle of lotion made with rose water. When he saw Kagome looking, he held it out to her and twitched his eyebrow. She smiled, checked the price and added it to the cart. He dipped his head and resumed pushing it like a pro.

Halfway down the fruit aisle, she started hearing crunchy noises. Not the wheels or her shoes. She blinked and looked over her shoulder at Sesshoumaru. His cheek bulged from something in his mouth, but he held his hand over it so the whole world wouldn't see him chewing.

"Um, Sesshou? What are you chewing on?"

Sesshoumaru lowered his hand. Kagome found herself staring at the end of a milkbone. He placed his hand back over the end sticking out and went back to nibbling it like a lollipop. Many people saw this and gave him odd looks. He growled at them, gave a last chew and swallowed the whole thing.

"Sesshou...that's...that was..." she almost collapsed with laughter. _Maybe I shouldn't tell him milkbones are for PETS_. "Come on...let's get done."

At the checkout, Kagome wrote a check for the groceries, which she handed to the teenaged female cashier. The cashier kept staring at Sesshoumaru. Kagome ignored it when she found a few yen floating in her wallet.

"Hey, Sesshou," she looked over.

His eyebrow flicked up.

"I have a few yen here. Why don't you go pick something out for yourself? I know you can't buy much, but let's walk around and you make a choice."

Sesshoumaru accepted the coins on his palm. He gave them a few curious sniffs, smirked and started for the door. Kagome hurriedly grabbed her two bags and rushed out after him. "Hey, wait up!"

The demon lord walked right through the automatic doors, took a right and seemed to follow his nose towards the shop next door. If the flashing lights of the city bothered him, it didn't show. He walked along like any other city person. He another right and entered a shop with a bell above its door.

By the time Kagome caught up, Sesshoumaru had already made his purchase and sat down at a table.

He bought himself an ice cream sundae with two cherries on top. She wanted to laugh. Of all the things he could buy, Sesshoumaru bought an ice cream sundae!

Her heart took a picture.

Kagome shouldered her way through the door to peer at the demon lord. He just sat there at the table, staring at it, his spoon untouched.

"Hey," she put her grocery sacks down on the floor, "feel like sharing?"

Sesshoumaru pointed to the other spoon on the table. His eyebrow flickered, stirring his pale bangs.

"Ah. I got dibs on the nuts." Kagome giggled, sitting across from him. _I can't believe this. I'm sitting in a rundown ice cream parlor, eating ice cream with a demon that used to hate humans and rule the western lands. Maybe he still does hate humans, save for a select few...or two, or three_...

He closed his fingers around his spoon, lifted it and dipped it into the gooey fudge-covered whiteness. She dipped hers at the same time and felt their spoons bump somewhere in the middle. His withdrew and the first taste of sundae sweetness disappeared between his lips. She took a bite at the same time.

Sesshoumaru was eating in front of her. Willingly. Maybe she'd finally won his trust.

They both reached for their cherry at the same time. Their fingers bumped together.

"Don't make these a habit," blushing, Kagome bit into hers and laid the stem on her napkin. "Eventually, they'll make you fat. But one every once in awhile is okay. One thing you gotta learn about the food in this time is that just because it tastes good doesn't mean it's good for you. So you have to learn. Otherwise you'll either end up fat or feeling sick...er...do demons get fat?"

He smirked across the table and shook his head, as if saying he'd NEVER get fat. Weak, maybe, but never fat and gross. Another spoonful vanished between his lips. He licked a trail of fudge off his spoon, watching her.

She copied him, smirking right back.

An amused glint passed Sesshoumaru's flickering eyes as he resumed his ice cream. Sometimes Kagome swore he rammed his spoon into hers on purpose.

Thirty minutes later, time found Sesshoumaru and Kagome sitting together in Kagome's living room. Both perched on either side of the silver oblong cast down through the skylight. Just like last month, he shed silent tears. They started when the moonlight touched his skin. The cold glow broke something within him. He stared into Kagome's eyes as the droplets fell, forming silent trails of mourning on his smooth cheeks. They gleamed white as they fell free of his chin and landed on his bare heels with soft pat-pat noises.

"Why do you cry every month?" She asked him.

Sesshoumaru didn't even blink. His voice remained clear and steady, "My heart shattered twice under a full moon."

Then he went quiet and closed his eyes, lowering his head. The words he didn't say made themselves clear in that simple gesture. _My soul was torn to shreds under a full moon. I lost my desire to fight under a full moon. I died and lived at the same time under a full moon. I was found again under a full moon by a woman who probably would not have saved me if she knew the truth of what I am_.

He closed his fist and pressed it over his heart. _I was ready to die_.

Kagome felt her chest clench. She touched his hand, "I'm sorry."

"Woman," he covered her lips with a finger, but didn't look up, "don't clutter the silence with words. Speak with action."

__

Speak with - ahh. Reluctant at first, Kagome scooted towards him. Sesshoumaru curled up and let his head rest in her lap. She ran her fingers gently through is silky hair, lifting it and tucking it behind his ear. He drew a shuddering breath and hid his face against her knee. His ice-cold tears fell on her skin like rain.

Tetsura's words echoed in Kagome's ears.

__

"He needs to be loved."

But I'm afraid I'll get hurt again, Tetsura...what if I love him and he dies or disappears? I'd never survive another loss like that. If I choose to love him, it has to be forever or not at all.

Without thinking Kagome bent and pressed her lips to the moist coolness of Sesshoumaru's cheek. Sesshoumaru didn't respond - he'd silently cried himself to sleep.

o0o

A soft, warm breeze tickled Kagome's bangs. She stirred and opened her eyes. The first thing she beheld was a set of small, clever lips. Soft, pale pink lips set perfectly in porcelain skin. Above them were the nostrils from which the rhythmic draft came. Kagome focused on the lips while her body became aware of warmth pressed to her front. An arm was wrapped around her waist, holding her fast against a gentle curve. She felt the chest rising and falling against her collar bones.

Bits of dreams clung to her consciousness, yet like all dreams they fell away the longer she remained awake.

Suddenly a tongue darted out to moisten the lips in front of her eyes. They parted to form, "You slept deeply."

Kagome startled and sat up, looking down at Sesshoumaru's sleepy face. Hearing his voice after so long was an immense relief. Yet, hearing him speak felt odd. She'd gotten used to his silence.

She groaned upon sitting up. Her shoulders and hips were sore from sleeping on the floor all night.

"Yeah...I guess." She hugged herself a bit.

Sesshoumaru stretched, flexed and sat up, shaking off the remains of his slumber. Pressure marks from the carpet created a red tattoo-like pattern all down his arm. Sleeping on his side mashed all of his bangs together so they covered his crescent moon marking. He flicked his head and they separated instantly, falling in silver waves that framed his golden eyes.

For the first time in her life, Kagome understood how Inuyasha must have felt every time he looked at her and remembered she wasn't Kikyo.

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Well enough," said Sesshoumaru.

She stared down at her lap, suddenly not knowing what else to say. Then a smile formed on her face, "What languages do you know?"

He twitched an eyebrow. "Too many to name, and I am not fluent in all of them. English seriously confuses me...it has changed from what I remember...but I can get the idea of what is being said. I find that French and Italian come the easiest."

"Ooh! Say something..." another smile bloomed, turning her cheeks pink, "in Italian."

Sesshoumaru thought for a moment. Then he ran a hand through his hair and stared straight into her eyes. "_Siete un angelo_," half his mouth curled upwards. "_desidero rimanere con voi_." He was speaking in the same monotone voice he always used, just in another language. Funny how he still sounded like himself even in a different tongue.

"And what did you say?"

"That...is for me to know and for you to find out."

She petted her own hair down. "I hope you didn't insult me."

He just looked at her, brow arched. "_Vos yeux sont l'univers_." his voice seemed to purr over the words. "That was French, by the way."

"Hey! What else do you know?"

"Perhaps a little Dutch?" Sesshoumaru's eyes laughed at her even though his face remained deadpan. "_Ik verdrink in uw ogen_."

Kagome fought the urge to tackle him and tickle the answer out. Somehow she doubted he'd appreciate that kind of treatment. She settled for flicking his bangs aside instead. "Gonna tell me what all that means?"

"Perhaps. Just not now." With that, he pushed himself to his feet and vanished into the bathroom. She knew, because he left the door open, that he was going to soak in the tub for awhile. The water started on cue, hissing and gurgling as he played with the temperature. In a few moments she could smell steam, heard the slosh of him settling down and a long sigh of contentment.

Smiling to herself, Kagome headed to her kitchenette to warm up some oatmeal.

Sesshoumaru splashed loudly about in the tub. Kagome leaned back to check on him. He was fine, just dunking his head under to wet his hair.

"Need help washing?"

Was that a sheepish look on his face? She couldn't tell, the wrinkled brow came and went so fast she wasn't sure.

A crease appeared above his nose, "Sometimes I feel as I'm adjusting to having a humanoid shape all over again." He looked down at his hand, "Why am I still having trouble with the simple things?"

Kagome set the microwave on medium, shut the door and walked into the bathroom. She kept her eyes respectfully on his. "Everybody heals differently. Some people manage chopsticks first and others walk first."

"Is a coma not like a long sleep?" His voice rolled against the tiles like smooth thunder. Perhaps it was the bathroom acoustics, but he actually sounded...warm. He was talking _to_ her instead of _at_ her like he did in the past. And why, after so long, was he talking _now?_ Because she begged him to? Because she missed something?

"Well..." she slid to sit next to the tub, picked up the washcloth and soaped up his back. His scars glared up at her. She wondered if they ever caused him the same phantom pains as his stump did before his arm grew back. "The body is a very complicated machine within a machine within another machine." She brushed the cloth over his shoulders and continued, "The brain is the center of it. It houses all your thoughts, your dreams, your personality and controls how you move. When it malfunctions it can affect every aspect of life."

Sesshoumaru held his hair aside so Kagome could scrub him down. "So that woman called Vicki has something wrong with her brain?"

"Mmhmm, cerebral palsy. It happens when a baby either suffers head trauma or doesn't breathe right away after birth." Kagome said, splashing his back to rinse it off. "Though we still haven't figured out all the secrets of the brain, we do know some parts control certain things like your ability to speak and stuff. If you damage those areas it may leave someone unable to talk or understand language." She frowned, "You went for a long time without nourishment, which probably did have an effect on your brain. Cells need food to live or they start to die off. And if you don't use the abilities your brain gives you - like walk and talk and pick things up - it tends to 'forget' and discard unused abilities to make room for more. Use it or lose it, basically. But...it can be re-taught. Just look at yourself, Sesshoumaru. When you first woke up you couldn't even keep your head upright. And now you're walking. You're getting better. You just need to be patient."

The demon lord was quiet for a time. His eyes were closed as though enjoying his grooming. Finally, he spoke, "Seeing as you know so much about bodies, I suppose you can also tell me why my heart makes that odd sound and yours does not."

"It's just one of many fluctuations in what's normal. You have a murmur." She put her elbows on the cold porcelain, "Your heart is a muscle."

"I've seen many hearts," Sesshoumaru scoffed. "I know they are muscular organs. They taste delicious when eaten while still beating."

"Right...well, um." Kagome fumbled for something that wouldn't insult his intelligence a second time. "It's just yours might be weaker than it used to be because you sta- "

"Is this fatal?"

Kagome gasped, "I don't know. Depends on whether or not it gets worse. I sure hope not, though!"

Sesshoumaru turned slowly to face her. His eyebrows formed a straight line across his forehead. "Inuyasha clutched at his heart when he died. His end came suddenly, after a few hours of weakness."

Kagome's happy mood disappeared like a blown-out flame. Silently she stared into Sesshoumaru's eyes, begging him to tell her it was a lie. She didn't want to believe the first boy she ever loved died in any kind of pain. A hot lump swelled in the pit of her stomach and spread behind her eyes.

"W-was he pale and having trouble breathing, or do you know?"

The same pain passed Sesshoumaru's amber eyes. "I was at his side when he breathed his last. And yes, he was pale. His skin was cold even though I saw sweat on his brow."

_Heart attack...he died of a heart attack. Oh, God, Inuyasha_...

"Sesshoumaru," her voice began to crack, "How old was he?"

"I don't know when he was born, but he died fifty years after you vanished." His eyes stared into hers, slightly dilated in the shadow cast by his wet bangs. "He...he was laughing at something I said when his eyes just rolled backwards into his head. The smile was frozen on his face. It ended so suddenly that he had no time to be afraid...I think he looked up from his laughter to find he'd crossed over."

She felt fiery trails forming on her cheeks, her hands clinging desperately to the edge of the tub. "Did...did he still remember me?"

Sesshoumaru let the water out of the tub. "He never stopped loving you."

His words echoed off the porcelain and tile and settled deep in her heart. Their weight opened the gates and her tears flooded out. She mumbled an apology just before sobs wracked her diaphragm. All her strength left her and she let her head drop onto her forearms. The porcelain was cold and unforgiving against her cheeks.

A hand touched lightly against her hair. Not moving or stroking, just resting there. She leaned into it like her last salvation.

"I remember the first time I saw Inuyasha. He was barely learning how to walk. His way of greeting me was to bite my arm and snarl like a tiny animal."

Kagome let herself drift over the soft, deep voice. "W-what made you turn against him?"

"He was too...emotional. He couldn't control his human or demon sides. And then I learned that our father died because of him and his mother..." Sesshoumaru heaved a loud, long sigh. "It was all foolish. When he died I became the last of the line." he closed his eyes, "And once someone kills everyone they seek to kill, they raise their eyes to a void of solitude."

"Sessh - "

"I lost my Rin...I lost my brother..." With his next sentence, she swore she heard his voice crack, "I feel as if I have lost my purpose. Who am I if I am not hating humans or trying to humiliate Inuyasha? Who am I if no one fears me? Who _am_ I?"

Kagome looked up to find him staring down at her with pain written all over his face. He was shivering in the draft coming through the door. For one instant he actually looked like a lonely child.

Seeing the demon lord so humble was both amazing and painful. His nudity made him seem all the more vulnerable.

_He needs to be loved_.

"You're still Sesshoumaru." She wiped tears off her own cheek and boldly reached out to cup his. "And right now your purpose is to get well."

"You humans always worry about tomorrow." His eyes hardened and he reached for a towel. "I don't care about the future. I speak of right now. This moment."

"But you said - "

He silenced her with his fingertip. "You always clutter everything with words. Speak to me in silence."

Kagome's compassionate mood threatened to become frustration, "I still don't know how to do this."

"Actions, not words. Speak to me."

Her hands were trembling. The lump in her throat grew back. She reached out, wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him forward. His forehead came to rest against her collarbone. He made no move to resist or return her embrace. She just clung to him, the coldness of his wet hair seeping into her shirt.

_I can't lose you too. Please don't leave me_.

A warm hand clasped her shoulder. Twin gold suns shimmered up at her, emotionless, yet oddly warm.

Fresh warmth sprang from her eyes. _If I let myself get involved...something terrible will take you away from me_.

The weight on her shoulder stiffened. Sesshoumaru's face came suddenly closer and the warmth of his breath tickled the fine hairs on her cheek. Soft lips came to rest on her cheek and parted, moist tongue extending to catch her falling tears. She rewarded him with more.

Kagome captured a hand full of Sesshoumaru's cold, wet hair. It fell all around him in a discordant wave of filigree patterns against his muscular legs and the porcelain tub, drying in wet ropes because she hadn't detangled it with a brush.

Cold wetness dripped onto her upper lip. She flicked her tongue out to taste it. Salty. She turned her head to find fresh silver streaks lining his cheeks.

_You know exactly what I'm feeling...because you feel it too_.

Without a thought, Kagome parted her lips and lapped a droplet off his cheek. It was ice cold against his warm skin. She realized the very act of shedding tears was physically painful to him. Those nights of tears under the full moon weren't grief, they were him punishing himself for being immortal.

The hand on her shoulder tightened. She heard him swallow and tilted her head to see his face. His pained, desperate eyes glowed like polished gold. Glimmering tears clung to his long eyelashes and his eyebrows were drawn together. Redness formed under his lower eyelids. His forehead wrinkled to distort his crescent moon. A small, wounded noise worked its way from the back of his throat. New lines formed all around his mouth. He pulled away and sucked in deep breaths, trying to stop the flood about to come.

Kagome felt her own face twisting when she watched Sesshoumaru fight against his broken heart.

Sesshoumaru picked himself up from the tub, tied the towel around his waist and slid to sit against the bathroom door-frame. He hung his head so his bangs hid his eyes from view. His small lips pulled away from his teeth and his shoulders began to shake in a sad parody of laughter. But Kagome knew he wasn't laughing.

The demon jerked himself upright, eyes blazing red and facial stripes jagged like fresh wounds. A low growl formed in his throat. It choked off just as abruptly. The glow dissipated and his markings cooled to smooth purple. Fresh droplets spilled over his pale cheeks. He growled low in his throat, a feral sound that vibrated the bathroom tiles. It choked off at the end, dissolving into a moan.

"Don't look at me, human!" His voice came out high-pitched and hoarse. He pressed his fist to his lips and pounded his other hand against the door-frame. Thump, thump, thump.

Kagome didn't know what to do, so she turned her head and fixed her eyes on a water droplet clinging to the tub.

It seemed like hours passed before the demon lord finally collected himself. How he swallowed such powerful emotions boggled Kagome's mind. When he lifted his head again, she saw his face was dry and emotionless as ever. He pushed himself up without a word of gratitude or comfort and walked out, leading her to wonder if she just imagined him almost bursting into tears.


	8. Dance

Note: Don't trip over the LEMON in this chapter ;D

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 8  
Dance

o0o

"His progress is amazing."

Kagome looked up from her chart at the sound of the low, smooth voice. She found herself staring into a pair of narrow brown eyes framed by scruffy black bangs. They almost hid the man's eyes, but his half-moon glasses held them up.

"Ah," She clicked her pen and handed him Sesshoumaru's chart. "Doctor Yakamoto, yeah, here's his chart."

He stretched a hand out to accept it and smiled, "Please, call me Kanrau. I hate formalities."

Doctor Kanrau Yakamoto - tall, dark and handsome with a mischievous smile that could light up a room. He always wore his long hair in a black bun. Yes he was pretty, and something about him always struck Kagome as familiar, but if someone put him in a beauty contest against Sesshoumaru, Sesshoumaru would definitely win.

Still, just about every other nurse had a crush on him. He was single, which made him even more desirable.

Kagome huffed as she pulled open a file cabinet and leafed through the labeled manila folders. "I think taking him to my apartment was a smart choice. He's comfortable around me."

"Have you found his family yet?"

"Uh," her heart lurched, "They're dead."

"Hm, pity...and what an odd name. Why would anyone want to call their kid the killing perfection?"

"Old-fashioned parents, I guess."

Kanrau lowered the papers back onto the clipboard, "Guess so." he handed the chart back, "So, let's go see this Sesshou Maru. I've been itching to meet him ever since I heard he woke up."

"Sure. He's probably in the therapy room. Every time he comes here he wants to work, work and work." Kagome dropped her pen on top of her latest report.

The handsome doctor laughed heartily, "Too bad all our patients aren't so eager."

"I know what you mean."

"One thing I'm really curious about are those marks of his. You know, the moon and stripes...and his ears - "

"Tattoos," Kagome said quickly, "I don't know about his ears. Probably a funky birth defect nobody's ever heard of. He's pretty fair-skinned too. Just letting you know since it tends to scare other nurses at first."

"Mm. Michael Jackson pale?"

She laughed, "A little darker."

Kagome and Kanrau turned the corner and stopped just inside the therapy room door. Looking around, Kagome spotted Sesshoumaru perched on an exercise bike near the window. His shape was bathed in sunlight that turned his hair blinding white.

Sesshoumaru looked over when they entered. He arched a slender eyebrow. This was the first time he'd seen the male doctor.

"Hi, Sesshou. This's Dr. Kanrau Yakamoto. He wanted to take a look at you. You mind?"

The gold eyes remained intensely focused on the doctor. His nostrils flared, but the whirring of the exercise bike easily disguised his sniffing.

"Now?" said Sesshoumaru lazily, eyes hardening to betray his calm mask. Though he seemed to harbor an odd respect for Kagome, he still acted as if other humans were scum growing under an old toilet seat.

Kanrau raised a slender eyebrow. Despite this he remained jovial, he was one of the most patient doctors Kagome ever met. "It won't take long. I'd just like to check your pulse and see how your heart holds up to stress. Mind if I borrow your wrist for a sec? No surprise needles, I promise."

Sesshoumaru's eyes shifted to Kagome. She nodded. The demon lord took his hand off the handlebar, letting doctor Yakamoto - Kanrau - curl two fingers around his wrist. He watched him like a hawk the whole time.

Kanrau's eyes were directed at the second hand of his watch. Kagome stood by, slightly nervous that something about Sesshoumaru's heartbeat would give his true heritage away.

"Okay." The doctor let go and wrote something on his chart. "I'd like you to hold off exercise for five minutes so I can check your resting pulse rate. Please try not to move around too much."

Kagome pushed herself between them before Sesshoumaru could think of a proper insult. "Sure, see you in five!"

"Be right back."

Sesshoumaru waited for Kanrau to leave. Then he clamped a hand on Kagome's shoulder, "Why is he interested in me?"

"He doesn't know anything about _that_, if you're worried." She faced him and leaned on the padded handlebars. "It's just a follow-up to check your progress. He's just making sure you're healthy. It's what doctors do."

"I feel fine."

"Sesshoumaru, a lot of health problems don't have any symptoms." Curious, Kagome encircled his wrist to check his pulse. It was racing. "God, how fast were you pedaling?"

"The numbers have reset to zero," He glanced at the digital numerals, frowning. "But when you entered, I was at fifty."

Her eyes widened. "You have to be careful about that. Your strength will give you away if you don't watch it."

He scowled at that, "How am I supposed to regain my strength if I can't exercise at the highest energy levels I can attain?"

"I'll think of something. Just, please, tone it down."

"I can't help it if I'm stronger than - "

Footsteps in the hall prompted Kagome to clap a hand over Sesshoumaru's mouth. His eyes glared daggers at her, but didn't try to speak further. He just pulled away from her grasp and presented his wrist to the approaching Kanrau.

And again, they all sat around for another awkward thirty seconds.

"Thanks, Sesshou." Kanrau released Sesshoumaru's hand and scribbled another note to himself. "Kagome? Can I talk to you in private for a minute?"

"Sure." She patted Sesshoumaru's shoulder, "Go on and pedal again. I'll be back in a minute."

In reply, Sesshoumaru tossed his head and resumed pedaling, eyes directed out the window at the city streets.

Kagome followed the handsome doctor out into the hall. She closed the door to keep their voices from reaching the demon lord's sensitive ears. A rough tag in her scrubs poked at the back of her neck and no amount of shrugging would dislodge it. "What's up?"

"Has he complained of any chest pains, difficulty breathing or dizziness?" Kanrau cut right to the chase. He never beat around the bush, a trait Kagome rather liked.

"No. Why? Is something wrong?"

He crossed his arms, "His resting pulse rate was exactly the same as it was during exercise. I heard he also has a murmur."

"I think it's congenital."

"I don't."

Kagome felt something cold swell in her stomach. "But he had it thirty years ago, too, it's in his records."

"And he has no records that date back further than thirty years. Kagome, he almost starved to death and the echocardiogram shows his heart walls are thin. That's as abnormal as you can get. The lack of nutrients for so long may have damaged his mitral valve. His heart walls should be thicker now, but they haven't changed at all."

Sighing, Kagome knew she'd missed something when she checked those images herself. She looked over to see Kanrau looking at the note she wrote the day she used the defibrillators.

"Are you sure his heart isn't just weak from him being inactive for so long?" The stupid tag dug harder into her neck. She reached back to scratch it. _No, Sesshoumaru's too strong for something like this. He's bounced back from nasty injuries before. But he said Inuyasha died of a heart attack, it might be hereditary and his starving made his congenital condition worse_.

Kanrau nodded, "That may be true. But I want to keep an eye on him to be sure. If that valve blows he'll go into heart failure real fast. That or he could have a heart attack. Either way, it wouldn't be pretty. I'm thinking about ordering another echo pretty soon to check his progress." He leaned on the wall, tucking the chart under his arm. His tone became casual, "I also find it interesting that he looks exactly the same as he did thirty years ago, hairstyle notwithstanding."

All warmth drained from Kagome's face. Her heart upped its cadence and her muscles tensed. Her pupils dilated and her breathing shallowed. Her senses intensified until even the tag in her scrubs made her jump. She searched her mind for a suitable excuse, struggling to think clear under her body's fight or flight response. "Maybe it's the lighting in the pictures. Tetsura was a little too liberal with the flash in some."

The doctor's spindle-shaped eyes flickered behind his glasses. Could he see the apprehension zapping down her nerves?

He tapped the metal backing of Sesshoumaru's chart with his fingernails. "You aren't hiding anything, are you?"

__

Shut up and go away. Please, shut up and GO.

"I've noted everything I know about him," she said through a dry mouth. "If I find any records dating back earlier than the seventies, I'll make sure you get them."

Kanrau's frown disappeared. "Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear. Now, make sure Sesshou takes it easy for awhile. Don't let him over-exert himself."

The tension in her muscles dissipated until they felt like jello. "I'll make sure behaves himself." She forced herself to smile at him. "And if I find anything, I'll call you first."

He smiled charmingly at her and brushed past to sit down at his desk. His chair squeaked on its old wheels. She stole a look over her shoulder, finding him in the act of lazily dialing his telephone.

_No man is prettier than Sesshoumaru_... Kagome sighed at the thought. Turning from the handsome doctor, she made her way back towards the sound of the exercise bike Sesshoumaru seemed intent on killing. _I really hope his heart is just weak from inactivity. I couldn't stand the thought of him being disabled by it for...however long he lives...and I'd hate to see him die from it._

God, Sesshoumaru, don't ever die on me.

"You look troubled," the demon's velvety voice floated to her ears.

Kagome didn't remember entering the room. Jerking from her reverie, she took in her surroundings, then fixed her eyes on Sesshoumaru. He was sitting sideways on the bike with one hand propped on the handlebars. Beads of sweat made his crescent moon shimmer.

"Doctor Yakamoto...Kanrau...thinks your heart may have been permanently damaged when you went for so long without any food or water." She met his eyes, "I need you to be honest with me...have you ever felt dizzy, had trouble breathing or felt pain in your chest? I don't care if you did and didn't tell me at the time, I just need to know."

He slid off the bike to walk towards her, his footsteps silent as death. "The first time I used the parallel bars...I stopped in the middle because I felt faint. It passed when I rested. I thought it was simple exhaustion that I could work through. And sometimes I do find myself short of breath." His head tilted, "Kagome?"

"Huh?" Kagome jerked her head up.

"Is my life in danger?"

"It's a possibility. That's why I need you to take it easy for awhile. Exercise, but don't push yourself to exhaustion. Stop if you don't feel right."

"What if I don't?"

"Well..." She started for the door. "come with me and I'll show you. Have you ever seen a heart cut open before?"

"I know the heart has four chambers and four valves." Sesshoumaru looked down his nose at her as if offended by the question.

"Well, yeah, that's pretty good." Kagome smiled and led him right out of the home and to the teaching hospital next door. She waved to the nurses sitting at the station up front and followed the signs to the ward where surgical students were congregated. The youngsters there gave Sesshoumaru a wide berth when he passed.

Kagome pushed into a silver-white room that smelled of chemicals and cadavers. Her eyes searched about for a body with an open chest. _Aha_, she spotted one at the far end of the room. Tugging on Sesshoumaru's arm, she donned some gloves and held one at a time up for him, "You need to wear gloves here. Just slide your hands in."

He did so, his nose trapped in a permanent sneer. Miraculously, his sharp nails didn't punch through.

"Yeah, I know, it smells in here. It's the chemicals that preserve the bodies so they don't putrefy."

"It's revolting."

"Agreed." Kagome looked down into the gaping red-brownness of the cadaver's open chest. The lungs were black and floppy like deflated balloons covered in ash, indicating the person was a smoker. Between them, the man's heart glistened like a meaty red-brown jewel inside it's slimy pericardial sac. Kagome sliced the sac with a delicate pass of the scalpel. She made a few expert cuts that freed the heart from the cadaver's chest. It jiggled slightly in her grasp.

"Here." She handed the heart to Sesshoumaru.

Sesshoumaru held a hand out to accept the small organ. He turned the heart over in his palm, examining it from all angles and occasionally nudging at the coronary arteries. "I am always intrigued that something this small pumps the volume of blood it seems to pump."

"I know, isn't it amazing? Here, hold it like this - yeah there you go." Kagome swiped the scalpel down the heart's center to split it open, exposing the four chambers, going off-center just a bit to preserve the valves. "Okay...do you know how the blood moves through the heart?"

"I thought the heart just...beat."

"You're half-right. Okay..." she explained how the blood entered the right side of the heart, got pumped out to the lungs, came back through the left atrium and got powered out of the left ventricle. Then she pointed to the bicuspid valve, which lay between the left atrium and ventricle, "Now this is where you're having a problem." She fingered the long filaments of tissue connected to the valve. "See how these chordae tendinae keep the valve from opening backwards?"

Kagome squeezed the heart a few times, which made the valve open and close. Sesshoumaru bent over to look closer, nodded once and straightened.

"One strand on yours is too long." She pushed a cusp of the valve backwards, "So instead of closing, this valve balloons backwards and a little bit of blood flows the wrong way. Doctor Ya- er, Kanrau - thinks they've been stretched because the lining inside your heart shrank when you almost starved to death. See...your body feeds off its fat, then it goes for muscle. See how thick the inside of this heart is?"

Gold eyes stared down at the hollow organ. "It's wider than my fingertip."

"Yours is half that. It might grow back, but it's possible that it may not be able to. Now do you understand why he's concerned?"

Sesshoumaru's pupils were slightly dilated. They often did that when he was a little scared. "Kagome, what can you doctors and nurses do if this valve does...blow up...as you put it?"

"Surgery to replace the valve with an artificial one." She laughed when he paled, "Don't worry! We have machines that act as a temporary heart and lungs so doctors can stop your heart to operate on it."

"It's vivisection!"

"Sesshoumaru...they put you to sleep so you don't feel it."

He turned sideways, the open heart still resting lightly on his palm. It wiggled slightly like hardened jello starting to melt. "If it comes to that, will you be there? Will you be the one to hold my beating heart?"

A smile curled Kagome's lips, "I'll see if I can assist, but I won't actually do the procedure."

"Hn...I would prefer you there." For the first time ever, she saw Sesshoumaru's lips twitch into a smile. It was small and boyish. He handed the cadaver's heart back to her, letting her place it in the dead man's chest. "I wouldn't entrust my heart to anyone else."

"Heh." She peeled her left glove off and hooked her fingers under the right one, tugging it off as well, "Besides, you probably won't need surgery. This problem may resolve itself as you get stronger. I'll just make sure you get extra protein in your formula...protein helps build muscle."

The demon lord held out his hands, letting Kagome slide his gloves off. "If by chance I do go beyond the help of your doctors and medicines, you can always unearth Tenseiga. If I have any desire to return, it will resurrect me if placed in my hands within three days of my death."

"I've been meaning to ask you about your swords...where are they?"

"I buried them with Inuyasha. He is buried on the western side of the Bone Eater's well."

She deflated. "...Oh." Afraid to dwell, she forced her tone to brighten, "C'mon, I'm hungry enough to want lunch even after staring at guts."

Sesshoumaru said nothing. He was bent over the cadaver, staring into its open chest. "When I was a child, my father taught me it was customary that I bite into the heart of my first true kill." Then he licked his fangs, "It was a lesser demon, with which I was in battle for an entire day. I was in my true demon form and bested my opponent by ripping out his throat." His eyes were faraway, seeing into the past. "Father asked me to assume my humanoid form, which I did. He swiped his sword across the other demon's chest to expose its innards. The blood gushed out, covering me from head to toe. I sank my fangs into its still beating heart while my father watched. My hands, my face and my hair were thick with the scent of blood and death."

Kagome flinched, but tried not to show it. She couldn't imagine Sesshoumaru willingly allowing himself to get so filthy, even if it was another's blood.

"Father cut off the demon's pelt. However..." an amused twinkle flickered across his golden irises, "at the time, I was only half as tall as I am now. So mother wore the pelt until my coming of age party...where she presented it to me." But then he shook his head and straightened. "They are the only two happy memories of my parents that I have from childhood."

"You seem to have lived a hard life." Kagome followed his movement, biting her lower lip. She never imagined he'd tell her anecdotes about his past.

"It's impossible to get stronger if one doesn't struggle at some point." Sesshoumaru walked past Kagome, his lips curled into a slight smirk. His hair and face looked so out of place in the crisp, sterile halls of the hospital. "This is not the first time I've been at death's door, Kagome."

"Yeah, I know. But..." she hurried to catch up to him in the white hallway, "You still have problems with certain noises and - "

"A momentary lapse." He said coldly, "Nothing more."

She stared after him. _Somebody's in denial_.

o0o

Sesshoumaru yawned once they got home. "If you don't mind, I'm going to rest."

"It's fine. Do you mind if I watch TV for awhile or will that bother you?"

He climbed onto the bed. "If the sound is low, I can ignore it." His body wiggled under the covers and he held his jeans up to her.

Kagome accepted the jeans and smiled. Warmth of his body heat still clung to the faded denim. She glanced over her shoulder to find Sesshoumaru stretched out on his back, one arm wrapped around his pelt and fingers kneading it a mile a minute. It was something he did even without the feeding tube. He looked so utterly content that any disturbance seemed sacrilegious.

__

Maybe it'd be a good idea to just let him be. A bath sounds nice now, I'll go take one.

Five minutes later, Kagome enveloped herself in a robe of warm water. Little signs of contentment escaped her lips every so often. She couldn't remember the last time she let herself unwind like this.

Something tickled the side of her leg. She bent to scratch it and lifted her hand above the water level to discover a long strand of silver hair clinging to her fingertip. Her mouth curled into a smile as she held it between two fingers. It seemed so fragile, like a single dew-covered thread in a spider's web.

Sesshoumaru had fine hair. Long, thin, delicate strands lighter than silk. The reason his hair looked so thick was due to him having a lot of it. All that hair could compact down into a braid no wider than three pencils laid side by side.

Kagome smiled when she thought of the demon lord's moonlight tresses. How his bangs acted as a shimmering curtain above his penetrating eyes. The way the wind or even his own movements made it dance. It always draped beautifully on and around him like an elegant cloak. Sometimes, when he walked past her, she'd brush him accidentally-on-purpose just to feel its satin texture brush her skin.

__

Lately he's all I can think about. Am I really that lonely?

But she banished the thought and went about lathering her skin with fresh soap. After a good wash and rinse, she drained the tub, stood up and shampooed her hair, using the shower to rinse it clean.

__

I never imagined that he, of all people, would understand the grief I felt...and still feel.

She shut off the shower and wrapped herself in a towel to dry off. Then she stepped out, put on some deodorant and bent over to wick the towel over her sopping tresses. Not the neatest way to dry her hair, but she didn't want to turn on the blow dryer and bother the sleeping demon in the next room. She piled the towel on her head like a turban, sighed and opened the door.

Sesshoumaru stood right there.

"GAH!" Kagome shrieked and slammed the door in his face. As usual the damn door was swollen from the steam and just bounced back open.

Jerking the towel out of her hair, she wrapped it around herself and stared at her own mortified face in the mirror. Tomatoes couldn't compete with the blush spreading across her cheeks.

Sesshoumaru still stood there, his head cocked to the side and one pencil-thin eyebrow raised. He looked like some god standing there, hair falling around him and skin nearly glowing in the bathroom light.

They stared at each other. For a moment the only sounds in the room came from Kagome's breathing.

Finally, Sesshoumaru just stepped inside and lifted the toilet seat. His hand went for the waistband of his boxers. "Woman, why are you so ashamed of your body?"

"I'm not ashamed," She turned her back until he finished his business and flushed the toilet. As typical of any man he didn't bother to lower the seat again. She'd given up scolding him about it ages ago.

"Then why cover yourself?" He flicked a stray hair out of his eyes. It sent a ripple down the length behind him "You see me naked daily."

"That's different!" snapped Kagome, still clutching the towel around herself.

"Really? How?" His tone edged up at the end just enough to indicate a question.

"You're my patient, I help you bathe and get dressed," she adjusted her only cover when it slipped in her grasp. "I see a dozen naked people a day."

"Yet you can not stand the thought of others seeing you the same way?"

"Sesshoumaru," Kagome tensed in preparation to let him have it. The urge died in her throat. "It's just different...it's not sexual. It's just a task I have to do, like giving medication or taking a pulse."

"Hn." Suddenly, he slipped his boxers down and stepped out of them, exposing himself completely to her. "What about now?"

A gasp clutched her throat. She turned her head.

"I know you steal looks when I am in the tub, Kagome." Sesshoumaru's velvety voice remained even, "Why is it different now?"

Kagome couldn't answer him. Her heart thudded in her ears. The fire in her face deepened until she wished she could shrink to bacteria size and disappear forever between the bathroom tiles.

"Come, there is something you must learn."

Still clutching the towel around her shattered dignity, Kagome followed him into her bedroom. She watched him turn on the floor lamp and open the wardrobe. Her reflection gazed back, lit softly by the yellowish light.

"Drop the towel," it came like a command.

Kagome's boneless fingers obeyed him even though her will did not.

"What do you see?"

She gazed almost unseeing at the torso reflected back at her. He couldn't have picked a worse lighting angle. There were no shadows to disguise her hips or breasts. Everything glared at her.

"My hips are too wide, my stomach sticks out," Kagome sighed, shifting uncomfortably, "and my boobs aren't so perky anymore. They just hang there and get heavy unless I wear a decent bra."

Behind her, Sesshoumaru chuckled softly, the sound almost a purr. She'd never heard him laugh before.

"You are looking with the wrong eyes, woman."

Another knot formed in her stomach. Her blue eyes moved up to glare at the spot where his head would have appeared had the mirror been six inches taller. "Oh, okay, if you're the expert on this, tell me what you see."

Sesshoumaru stood flush against her back. His warm skin shocked her. She watched in the mirror as his hand snaked around to cup her hip.

"These hips are wide enough to birth a healthy child." His hand shifted to lay flat just below her navel, right over the offensive part of her abdomen. "This pelvis houses the womb to carry that child." Then the hand slid up to cup the bottom of her breast, making her gasp. He cradled it like he would a newborn chick fresh from its egg, "and these breasts are thick with the milk glands that will swell to nourish it, making it grow even stronger."

She scoffed, "Today's desirable woman is pencil thin."

"So I've seen...and they all look as if the slightest breeze would blow them away. A body that weak could never produce a strong child." He gave the bottom of her breast another gentle squeeze, "I remember my mother's milk..." his hand slid down to rest firmly on her navel again. "When I took nourishment from that tube, I nearly tasted her milk and could almost feel her grooming me as she did when I was small."

The hand on her stomach drifted back to her hip. She shivered as his touch trailed fire across her skin. "I-is that why you kneaded things when you had the feeding tube?"

"It is a reflex that I can't control. I do it when I feel content."

"So you were born in your demon form..."

A smirk curled his lips, "Yes...I learned to attain this form by my first year. Only high class demons like myself have the power to achieve such a transformation without a severe energy drain." The smirk widened further, "I got my name because, at the moment of my birth, I melted everything that did not smell like my mother. I even tried to attack my father, but I smelled her scent on him and realized he was my kin." He lifted his head, "Though I killed people then, my first true demon kill didn't come for many years, but you already heard that story."

Kagome's mental image of a helpless white pup with sealed eyes and ears became a tiny white furball spraying green smoke from its toothless maw. From the moment his life began he had blood on his soul.

"You remember your birth. That's amazing!"

His fingers rippled. "A demon's memory begins at birth and ends at death. Since I could not see or hear at my birth, my earliest memories are scent and sensation. Hence...the feeding reflex. I knew that I was nowhere near my mother's breast, but my body did not."

Kagome felt herself smile. It wasn't often that he offered her anecdotes about his past. Slipping from in front of him, she pushed him forward to stand before the mirror, "What do you see?"

Sesshoumaru's eyes widened slightly. He seemed taken aback as if he didn't expect her to turn the game around on him. His posture sagged a little, but his eyes fixed on his reflection. "I see that I am scarred. My back...my soul. I was perfect once, but not anymore."

Kagome leaned against the demon lord's back, shivering when his satin smooth hair glided across her bare torso.

"I don't notice your scars anymore." She tensed and called upon her inner courage. If he killed her for this, at least she'd die knowing he knew what she really thought of him now. "I think you're the most beautiful man I've ever seen." She cupped his hip in her palm, other hand tracing the scars marring his back. His muscles rippled at her touch whenever she brushed the healthy skin between them. "These and these are part of what make you _you_. They're what make you beautiful."

"You are the only human I would ever look upon in this manner." He muttered. He never did acknowledge her complement.

Smiling, Kagome shut her eyes while his words sank into her consciousness. In his own way he just told her she was beautiful. Not to woo her, not to buy her affections, not for their own benefit, but because he spoke the truth. He _liked_ how she looked.

Moments passed, but neither spoke. Kagome felt Sesshoumaru's chest rising and falling more rapidly. Her own breath increased to match her heartbeat. She almost choked when she looked ahead into the mirror.

__

God, he's definitely a grower.

Almost on its own accord her hand slid around to rest flat on his washboard stomach, barely stroking across his fluffy line. He hissed and grabbed her hand, interlocking their fingers. A faint red glow flickered through his dilated eyes.

"I'm sorry, did I go too far?"

"No," he said simply.

She continued to lean on his back, eyes fixed on their reflection together. The way his pale skin melted into hers. Her other hand snaked around his midsection, sliding up to rest over his heart and feel it throbbing like a machine gun. He exhaled when she pressed her body deliberately against his back.

Slippery hot need swelled in her lower regions. She knew he caught the scent, because his nostrils flared a few times.

"Come," he shut off the lamp and led her into the darkness of the living room. "Dance for me, Kagome."

Heat raced across Kagome's pale features. "B-but I don't have any music..."

"Use your heartbeat." his hand withdrew. He stepped back out of the moonlight coming through the skylight.

A few awkward seconds went by. Finally, Kagome started swaying back and forth and moving her arms around in a sad semblance of "dance". Too shy to admit she really didn't know any real dance moves.

Sesshoumaru chuckled from his position on his bed. He'd moved without her noticing. "No, not like that," and his voice lowered almost an octave, "your hands are your lover's."

"I - "

"No more words."

Maybe it was Sesshoumaru's tone of voice. Maybe it was the words he said. But whatever he did he filled Kagome with a new understanding.

Kagome closed her eyes and stretched her arms above her head. Her hips swayed, hands sliding down over her face and breasts, down over her stomach and across her pubic curls. All around her hips and backside. Fingers kneading herself until desire burned her from head to toe.

__

I'm beautiful. She thought to herself, hands continuing their endless journey over her own skin. Her hips kept swaying with her heartbeat. Swaying as if in the throes of passion. _This is MY body_... her motions became more elaborate, _these are my breasts, that's my stomach, my thighs_, she arched against an invisible lover, _and look, LOOK AT my hips_.

Gleaming silver passed in and out of the moonlight. Sesshoumaru circled her. Like a predator stalking prey, he came closer and closer. She could hear him breathing. His breaths were thick with excitement. Before she knew it his arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her flush against his torso. She wrapped her arms around the demon's neck, staring up into his gold, dilated depths. Each breath he took puffed across her forehead.

Sesshoumaru slowly dipped her like a waltz. His hair spilled over his shoulders to brush across hers in the most sensual manner possible. She felt his pulse in his hardness as it lay sandwiched between their bodies. Then he straightened and stepped one foot around her. She followed, letting him lead her through something crossed between a tango and a waltz. He moved like liquid metal. Pressure from his hands always signaled which direction he took next. He spun her two-step across the living room, stopped, dipped and pulled her flush against him. They two-stepped that way, body to body. Kagome's arms had nowhere to go but around his neck.

Kagome could feel nothing but Sesshoumaru's hot skin shifting against her own. Every move they made sent his hair fluttering deliciously across her shoulders and back. She breathed in ragged pants to keep up with her heartbeat. Sesshoumaru kept increasing the pace to match. One step for every three beats. His smoldering eyes never left hers. It was like he made love to her through eye contact alone. His gaze hid nothing and she realized he just showed her everything he had to offer. Heart, mind, body and soul.

Sesshoumaru twirled her away and tossed his head in such a way that his hair wrapped around his body. He did it again, making it move in the opposite direction. His beautiful silver hair flashed in the moonlight, falling around him in endless waves. He crouched, bore his teeth and sniffed the air. Every muscle in his body seemed bunched for her perusal, even though they still weren't as defined as they were centuries ago - but they were getting there. Then he was on his feet again and coming towards her. Their dance resumed as before, neither breaking eye-contact.

__

Ooh who could resist him? Oh...oh...slow down, heart, he's dancing for the first time in forever...he's so good. And he's dancing with ME!

Their silent dance took them past the moonlight and around the wall to her bedroom. With each passing step she found her heart swelling along with her lower regions. The next time he dipped her, she reached up and cupped his warm face in her palm.

And he grinned at her. All the way from his lips to his eyes. It looked utterly feral, yet she wasn't afraid.

__

God...you're so beautiful... she smiled back, _you should smile more often_.

When Sesshoumaru smiled like that, Kagome realized the past didn't matter anymore. He wasn't the heartless, emotionless, power-hungry bastard she met five hundred plus years ago. He was still self-centered, pretentious and a bit rude at times, but those other things were glaringly absent.

Kagome felt Sesshoumaru straightening and tightened her hold around his neck to keep him there.

__

I can't keep letting my fear take over...

She pulled herself up until their lips were centimeters apart. His warm breath bathed her mouth. He parted his lips for her, waiting. A simple motion, yet she realized he just opened himself completely to her.

..._I love you, Sesshoumaru_.

With that, she closed the last distance. His small lips glided against hers, slick with moisture and heat. He kissed with a slight clumsiness that told her she was his first. She smiled at that and slid her hands upwards against the back of his head, letting his hair spill between her fingers. He replied by pressing his palms more firmly against her back. Pressing her to his warmth. She pulled back, wagging a finger playfully. He twitched an eyebrow in question.

__

I only know one way to say 'I love you' without words.

Kagome scooted backwards to lie prone on her bed, offering herself up to him. He was a towering black shadow against the full-length window. Her heart pounded into her sternum. She heard her own blood roaring through her ears. Need for him pulsed like lightning strikes down every nerve in her body.

__

Take me.

The looming shape moved. New weight dimpled the futon at her feet. A heartbeat later she felt the soft, puffing warmth of his breath on her most secret place. Anticipation alone brought forth new moisture. He inhaled deeper, bent down and breathed on it. Then came his hot, slick tongue, lapping her clean.

"Ohhh..." Kagome bit her lower lip, her fingers entangling in the sheets. Her inner flame became a bonfire that spread warmth under her skin.

Sesshoumaru's tongue moved upwards. Past her dark curls, over her navel and up to her breasts. He handled them tenderly, but paused as if asking permission before allowing himself to suckle. She moaned and arched, digging her nails into his shoulders. He did something swirly with his tongue that sent jolts of heat straight between her legs. She looked down to find him gazing up at her, his mouth still wrapped gently around her nipple. When he saw her looking, he started to knead a little. Instinct, perhaps? She didn't know, maybe his demon side associated breasts with food instead of sex, but she found it oddly sweet.

Finally, Sesshoumaru came all the way forward. Face to face, breathing each other's breath. His magenta stripes were darker and a little longer, turning jagged around the edges. She saw a red glow forming in his amber eyes as he let some of his demon blood take control.

Kagome wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned up, pressing their lips together. His velvet tongue brushed hers. Soon their tongues danced as their bodies had a few moments previous. She placed his hands back on her breasts and traced the delicate shell of his pointed ear with her fingertips. He growled at her, clawed fingers kneading her swollen mound. Their kiss grew more and more violent until his fangs nipped her bottom lip.

She gasped and jerked back. Coppery blood dribbled down her chin. He poked his tongue out and gently lapped up the scarlet trail. His soft tongue brushed over her wounded lip, soothing it. The next time he kissed her, he did so more gently.

After a bit he pulled away, sitting up on his knees above her. He was still just a shadow framed in silver. Even his eyes vanished, but it didn't take her long to realize they were closed. She heard him breathing softly. Smelling her again.

Kagome watched Sesshoumaru's chest heave under his breaths. Perfect pectorals, beautiful abs, a wonderful set of biceps and triceps, sloping deltoids...all attached beneath that gorgeous face.

She grasped his left wrist. He flinched at her touch. She only smiled and cupped it in her palm, then bent up to kiss it. Craning her neck, she dipped her tongue into his tracheostomy scar. Then, pulling his shoulder down just another inch, she brushed her lips against the tip of a back-scar that curled around to his collarbone.

__

These just make you more perfect to me.

Leaning up further, she brushed her tongue over his ear again. A low, animalistic moan-growl rolled through his lips, a sound felt more than heard. He didn't stop her, so she continued her assault, taking delight when he started to pant with need. She trailed butterfly kisses across his forehead and over to his other ear. The hand kneading her breast moved more eagerly. This really seemed to excite him. So she retraced her path, relishing the feel of his long eyelashes tickling her chin and his silky hair brushing her forehead. His smooth skin tasted as creamy as it looked.

Then Kagome grasped him _there_.

Sesshoumaru hissed and buried his face in her throat. Kagome smiled, exploring him with her fingertips and memorizing every blood vessel, every groove and every little curve. She adjusted her grip and rubbed her thumb over a tiny ridge under the tip. The hand kneading her breasts jerked up to grab a handful of bed sheets. Soft feral growls rumbled in his throat. He twitched in her hand.

Finally Sesshoumaru shoved Kagome flat on her back. All at once she realized he was going to penetrate her. Those nasty stories about how much it hurt the first time flashed across her mind. She stiffened, wide-eyed, as his moist tip pressed against her swollen entrance. His hands stayed on her thighs, eyes on hers.

__

Yes, please, I need you. I want you. I'll take the pain with the pleasure. Please...

The demon nodded once. Kagome braced herself as he inched forward and bit her lower lip when he contacted her virgin barrier for the first time. It was thick and didn't give for him like it did for tampons. She felt like her entire pelvis would collapse inward. He pressed into her again. The pressure became a searing fire blazing around her opening. Red hot, white hot, blue hot...and then a popping sensation as he broke past her fleshy wall and came to rest in her depths. He hissed in her ear.

"Oh!" she cried out at the new fullness. Instinctively she curled a leg over his hip and pulled him in deeper. The fire in her loins seared hotter, bringing tears to her eyes.

Sesshoumaru's pulse throbbed inside her, a rhythm slightly different than her own. Kagome looked down at their joined bodies, then up at his amazing golden eyes. Cupping his face, she traced his lips with her thumb. The warmth of his body melded with her own. They were one.

__

We're as close as two living beings can be.

The fire ignited by his entrance slowly cooled to a dull sting and faded altogether. She nodded once and he began to move. Slowly. Sensually. Never once breaking eye-contact. She became mesmerized by how his silver bangs swung gently back and forth with his movements. Every motion sent ripples across his muscles. Throughout all this she noticed he just watched her impassively while she bucked and moaned beneath him. Even in the act of love his mask remained firm.

Kagome's body shivered and tensed. She was on the edge of something wonderful. Sesshoumaru bent over her and thrust faster, as if sensing this and wanting to drive her to completion. She entangled her fingers in his beautiful silver hair, whimpering softly. He adjusted again. Now his long pubic fringe brushed against her outer core. An aching wave spread across her body and she relaxed, letting it sweep her into his golden depths.

Somewhere at the wave's crest she heard herself crying out. Her body stopped being her own. She arched, thrashed and clung to him like a life preserver. Just when she thought she lost herself, his soft kiss called her back to earth.

"Oh, God...oh, God..." Kagome panted as the last ripples dissipated. Sweat layered her flushed skin, matting her hair to her brow and cheeks.

He stopped thrusting, even though he was still thick and throbbing inside her. Golden eyes continued to watch her, narrow nostrils breathing in her scent.

"Sesshoumaru," she panted, "you didn't...?"

"I wanted to watch you," his voice came out in a husky whisper.

Kagome pushed Sesshoumaru to lie on his back, which was easy to do since he didn't have all his strength back yet. He wound up propped on his elbows. She smiled and began to ride him. Easing herself gently up and down, feeling his eyes follow her every move like a physical caress. She puffed her chest out so he'd see her breasts bounce.

Sesshoumaru stiffened beneath her and a small moan escaped his throat. Crimson bled into his gilded depths. He bore his teeth to reveal lengthening fangs. His claws extended an inch against her hips. He pushed himself up on his elbows again, yet doing so seemed a strain and his muscles stood out in sharp relief under his skin.

Intent on driving him as crazy as he did her, she bent and nipped at his ear. He growled ferally and yanked her clear off, flipping her over to re-enter from behind. His fluff, now soaked with her juices, slithered coldly across her tailbone.

A gasp died in Kagome's throat when he slammed into her from the rear. His sweaty skin glided easily against her back. She saw their reflection in the wardrobe mirror - him looming over her, hair ragged, skin glistening and eyes glowing. And herself, on her knees, letting him take her.

The demon bent low over her, almost in an attack crouch. His hands gripped the wooden edge of her platform bed. Each thrust made his eyes glow brighter. His hair fell all around them in endless sheets of satin silver. He panted hungrily in her ear. She met his eyes via their reflection. The mirror excited him further and his thrusts picked up intensity, jarring her bones and sending her teeth slamming together.

Finally Kagome felt Sesshoumaru's length throb inside her. As she watched, his eyes enlarged, but the pupils and irises shrank. His crescent moon glowed blue in contrast with his red eyes. The purple stripes lining his cheeks grew more irregular. Bones crackled and shifted under his skin, narrowing his face. His hips went from deep strokes to rapid and shallow, barely moving in and out at all. He looked so powerful and vulnerable at the same time.

Kagome contracted her inner muscles to grip him tight...and that set him off. Sesshoumaru strained against her and climaxed with a fierce snarl, his claws cracking the wooden bed frame. His body and aura pulsated as he struggled to maintain his humanoid form. A scent like sea foam swirled into the air. He thrust involuntarily, spilling his seed with each inward stroke.

Somewhere in the middle Kagome had another climax of her own.

Then it was over. Sesshoumaru's face and aura gradually returned to normal and he drew himself back, collapsing sideways on the futon. She ached with his absence already.

"Sesshoumaru," her breath escaped in gasps, a hot tingle bleeding through her tired body, "that was amazing..."

No reply.

"Sesshoumaru?" she flicked on the bedside lamp.

Sesshoumaru lay crumpled on his side, sweaty face shrouded by his silver hair. Whatever romantic spell he'd cast died in the face of reality. Kagome moved the demon's hair off his damp face. His pupils remained fixed and unresponsive to the light. He was still panting, his face pale when it should have been flushed.

__

Oh please no... she rolled him on his back and pressed two fingers to his neck. With her other hand she gripped his wrist. His pulse was thready and raced like a jackhammer under her fingertips. _I shouldn't have done this. Kanrau said no strain and he just had a huge orgasm! What the hell was I thinking? Oh, God, please let him be okay, I'll never forgive myself if I put him in heart failure!_

Sesshoumaru's breathing gradually calmed down. His eyes equalized. He blinked once, twice, three times, long eyelashes fluttering. Then he turned his head slightly to gaze up at her. "What happened?"

Kagome sagged with relief. "You passed out. The strain of orgasm must have been too much for your heart."

"Hn." Sesshoumaru tried to sit up.

She wouldn't let him. "No, don't move until your pulse goes back to normal."

He averted his eyes, clearly embarrassed that he couldn't handle something as simple as sexual intercourse. Turning on his side, he released a deep sigh that made his sides heave.

"Sesshoumaru...it's okay." She curled up behind him and rubbed his shoulder. "You were wonderful."

Sharp claws dug audibly into the futon mattress, "You should find yourself a male who can satisfy you."

"What?"

No answer.

"Hey!" Kagome squeezed Sesshoumaru's arm and tried to ignore the semen and juices flowing back onto her thighs, "Don't you ever say that! You just satisfied me a lot better than I ever dreamed any man would." She drew her fingers through his silky hair, catching the rogue strands still draped over his shoulder and easing them back into the main length streaming across the mattress. "Just because you have trouble with your heart doesn't make you any less of a man - er - demon than you used to be."

Sesshoumaru flung himself upright, snarling low in his throat. "You will never understand."

"Then help me to. What's wrong?"

"I want to live," He looked her straight in the eye, deadpan. "but not if it means living like _this_."

With that, he walked out. Kagome heard him climb into his own bed. Something in his gait and a fear that anger might cause another fainting episode told her not to follow after him.

__

Sesshoumaru, don't give up on life yet. If you need a new valve I'll get you one, just please don't give up...


	9. The Will to Live

Little warning: This chapter has some graphic descriptions of medical gore.

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 9  
The Will to Live

o0o

Of course the first thing Kagome heard from everybody's mouth was, "Where's Sesshou?" when she arrived alone at work the next day. She kept repeating over and over that he had a bad night and needed to catch up on some sleep. The story ended up being repeated ten times, sometimes to the same people.

When Kagome awoke that morning, Sesshoumaru gave her the iciest look since he came out of his long coma. He helped himself to _raw_ chicken from her fridge, managed to bathe unassisted behind a closed door and basically didn't acknowledge her presence at all. She felt like she'd been shoved right back outside the frozen prison surrounding his heart.

She spent the day short-tempered. Even sweet Ken, who never intentionally made a nuisance of himself, grated on her last nerve.

__

I thought last night would bring us closer. Huh, yeah right, if anything it threw us even further apart. Damn me.

"Kagome?"

"What?"

"Geez!" Akemi held her clipboard up like a shield. Then she flipped her hair, which was now a strange shade of bronze. "Ease up! I'm just letting you know Hakuo's bradying down and his wife is on her way."

"Hakuo, Hakuo...Hakuo Satsuma? Isn't he the four hundred pound call button jockey with coronary disease?"

"Mmhmm, isn't heart failure lovely?"

Kagome's pencil snapped in her hand. Stinging tears welled in the corners of her eyes. "No, it isn't."

"Kagome, I was just joking around with y- "

"Just go away, Akemi...leave me alone."

The next sound was Akemi's angry footsteps stomping down the hallway. Word traveled fast - pretty soon everybody gave Kagome a wide berth. Not that Kagome minded. At least she didn't have to explain her bad mood to every clueless person she passed.

Just when she thought the day would never end, Ishiro arrived to relieve her from her station. Tokyo's balmy night air greeted her with smells of gas fumes and smog. The walk home felt like miles. Then the elevator leading up to her apartment took twenty years to reach her and take her to her floor. She stepped out into the crisp hallway with her keys jingling in her hand.

Her door was ajar.

__

Oh God, if somebody tried to rob the place...

Images of dismembered human bodies and splattered blood flashed across Kagome's mind as she reached towards her door. Much to her relief the walls and carpet were still clean. Sesshoumaru was spread out on the recliner, dressed in his black samue with light from the TV flickering across his silver hair.

"Your friend went out earlier."

Kagome turned at the voice. It was her neighbor, Shinta. "What?"

"At about three this afternoon..." Old Shinta scratched his gray head and said, "I saw him leave. He came back an hour before you arrived. I just thought you should know, since I know he's not well."

"Yeah, thanks."

The old man just smiled and closed his door.

Turning to her door, Kagome took off her shoes and stepped inside. She closed her door while setting them down in their proper cubbyhole.

"If you wanted to go out, you could've told me."

She could only see the top of Sesshoumaru's head. His elegant crown of silver shifted, arms and legs moving lazily. He'd gone from staring at the wall to staring at the TV.

"Hey, I'm talking to you!" she snapped.

Sesshoumaru still didn't respond properly. Kagome stomped over the recliner to stand over him. He looked up at her through puffy, glazed, out-of-focus eyes. Everything about him seemed heavy and sagged, even his ears. A thin line of drool pooled under his chin to darken part of his shirt.

"Oh my God, Sesshoumaru?" Kagome knelt by the chair. Her knee crunched painfully on something hard. She glanced down for the source of discomfort, her eyes coming to rest on an empty green bottle. The strong odor on his breath matched the bottle. "You're drunk!"

"Mm."

"Where did you get this sake?"

His eyelashes fluttered, "Muh...market."

"You _walked_ all the way to the market?"

"Yes."

Her mind flooded with images of Sesshoumaru just walking blithely across busy streets without regard to traffic signals or signs, narrowly missing a collision with several cars and a semi. She just hoped he didn't start drinking until after he got back into her apartment.

"You idiot! That was a two mile hike!"

He ignored the insult. "I'm well aware of the distance."

She shook his shoulders, "Why did you do this?"

"I needed silence," said Sesshoumaru, his voice slurred, "I...needed the voices to be quiet..."

"Voices?" She gave him another shake when he drifted, his head flopping as if his neck lacked muscle tone. "Sesshoumaru? What voices?"

"The past...the dreams...myself." Most of his words ran together. She was amazed he was talking at all. No human she knew could down an entire bottle of sake and still be conscious afterward.

_At least he only drank one bottle...I hope...I'll know when I find out how much money he took from my stash_.

Then Sesshoumaru's face turned a weird shade of green. Kagome knew that look all too well. Before she could move, he rolled over, made a disgusting gurgling sound and vomited an entire load of gray-brown muck all over the front of her scrubs. He puked with such force she rocked on her feet. The scent of bile wafted unpleasantly towards her nostrils. He gurgled again, sending a second wave splattering across her white socks and the carpet. Some splashed back onto his clothes.

Kagome barely heard him mumble something about being too slow to move. She pulled off her socks and pastel scrubs shirt, exposing the plain T-shirt underneath.

A sigh blew past her pink lips. It was hard to stay angry with him when he looked miserable. "C'mon, let's get you cleaned up."

Sesshoumaru shifted to his side and pushed up like in his first days of therapy. The poor demon couldn't lift his head. Kagome figured he wasn't going to walk so well either. She dragged the dusty wheelchair from the corner, got him into it and pushed him to the bathroom, leaving him just long enough to dab up the puke with a wet paper towel. She almost lost it when she saw a raw chicken heart, still undigested, lying on pieces of bone in the bile puddle. All her work life, Kagome had trouble handling recognizable items in other peoples' vomit. She finished cleaning up and washed her hands thoroughly before rejoining Sesshoumaru.

"This clothing is ruined." Sesshoumaru picked at his sleeves.

"It's okay. It'll wash out." She worked at the ties holding his samue shirt closed. "Let's get this off and I'll run you a bath."

Another gurgle. Kagome got his head over the toilet this time, holding his hair for him while he heaved into the bowl.

"Kagome...why do you bother -" he spat another load of sake-scented ichor, his voice emerging as a moan, "- caring for this shadow of Sesshoumaru?"

"Shadow of - " fresh moisture welled in Kagome's dark eyes. Cupping the back of Sesshoumaru's head, she let her forehead rest against his pointed ear. Its warm skin felt soft on her brow. "You're not a shadow, Sesshoumaru."

"Rin is dead." he said it like he just heard the news. "I never...I never told her she was...that she..."

Kagome stroked his head. "She knew you cared about her. You said yourself she understood the language of silence, so I'm sure your actions let her know."

Sesshoumaru said nothing more. Kagome retreated to run his bath. She only filled it high enough to cover his hips when he sat upright, terrified that he might actually try to drown himself. She pinned his long hair in a bun to keep it dry because, somehow, she doubted he could sit up long enough to have it brushed.

Ten minutes later she had him in the tub and worked at washing his face clean. He shivered as if violently cold even though the water gave off enough steam to fog up the mirror. His chattering teeth echoed off the tile.

Realizing he was in a state that let him say pretty much anything, she decided to ask, "How did you get those scars on your back?"

"Mm...lost my mind to my demon blood...transformed. Don't remember the rest." His speech slurred so bad she barely understood him. "I escaped...scarred...don't make me remember..." the hand dropped into the water with a soft plop. "There is no escape."

Coldness formed in her belly. "Oh, no. How long?"

He shook his head. "Don't make me remember."

__

Somebody must have done awful things to you.

A hot lump formed in Kagome's throat. Sesshoumaru was truly broken, in body, heart and mind, and she didn't know if she could help him. She actually missed his colder former self. At least then she had some idea of what to expect whenever she addressed him in the past.

"Whoever hurt you is dead now." She rinsed his cheek off. "They can't hurt you anymore and - " her nose twitched, "Did you just pee in the water?"

He startled and looked down at the yellow cloud forming around his hips. His face twisted between groggy and horrified. "That...was not my intention."

Kagome waved a hand, "Don't worry about it," She drained the tub and filled it back to its previous level. "Better in the bath than in your pants, right?"

"You should leave me." He still slurred his words a lot. The alcohol probably wouldn't leave his system until some time in the morning. "Leave a weak demon to die and find a real man...GO!"

"I'm not leaving you to die. I don't care how mad you get. You can't drive me away."

Sesshoumaru growled at her.

"Grrrr-ARRRR yourself."

He turned his face away and closed his eyes.

Kagome drained the tub and wrapped him in a towel to pat him dry. Sesshoumaru made no motions to assist or refuse her actions. She pulled his listless frame from the tub and helped him into a plain gray yukata. Not very fashionable, but it would keep him warm and covered for the night.

"Sleep..."

"Just another minute." Kagome wheeled Sesshoumaru out of the bathroom. Leaving him by the door, she filled a tall glass with water and brought it to him.

"What are you - "

"Alcohol dehydrates you. You're going to feel like crap tomorrow morning, but hopefully not as crappy as you would if I let you go to sleep without giving you something to replenish what you lost. Besides, with a screwed up heart it's not good to get dehydrated. I'm gonna bother you to drink water a couple more times tonight."

"Mmm. If you say so." Sesshoumaru was too blotto to do anything but sip from the glass she held for him. He hardly complained when Kagome let his hair back down and wheeled him into her room.

Kagome decided she'd put Sesshoumaru in her bed for the night. It was less than ten steps away from the bathroom and let her keep a closer eye on him while he slept. She struggled to pull him from the chair and swing him around towards the soft futon. To his credit he did help, bracing himself on the wooden platform and climbing under the covers on his own.

"There." She drew the covers up to his shoulder. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

A lovely white shape sparked to life in Kagome's left eye. It began as a dot and gradually grew more elaborate until she found herself staring through a bright frame of criss-crossed lines. The peripheral vision in her right eye dissolved to boiling "heat waves" that made her nauseous. Her head buzzed as if full of bees crashing against her brain. Then her entire skull rang. She got up to bring a bottle of aspirin into the room and thanked fate for the darkness.

_Well, at least this migraine waited until after I got him to bed_, Kagome mused darkly, looking down at the waves of silver hair splashed across the comforter.

As soon as her migraine passed she headed out to clean up the living room. Two hours later, she woke Sesshoumaru up to have another glass of water. He drank it and went back to sleep. She retired right after.

The next morning, Kagome awoke to find his side of the bed drenched, a yukata soaking in soap in the bathroom sink and Sesshoumaru sitting in the tub. He claimed he threw up all that water during the night. The smell suggested otherwise.

Kagome pretended to believe his lame excuse in order to spare his dignity, all the while silently kicking herself for not prodding him into the bathroom every few hours. She left Sesshoumaru to take his bath and stripped her bed to air the futon.

_I'm so stupid...sitting right beside him and not even hearing it happen. I guess it's better he was asleep, the shame would have killed him_.

"Those things I said earlier," the tiles amplified Sesshoumaru's low voice, "about leaving...I - "

"Don't," Kagome leaned on the bathroom doorway. "I know you didn't mean them. You were mad. You were drunk. You have a lot of...if you forgive the bad pun...demons to work out."

He rested his chin on his palm, his red eyelids drooping under the weight of his hangover-headache. His wet bangs stuck up in all different directions. He didn't seem to care. "You danced like a demoness."

"Hm? Oh..." Pink swelled into Kagome's cheeks. She pushed off from the door and sat next to the tub, assuming the same pose as him. Their faces were only inches apart. "Is that how demons...mate? By dancing?"

His lips curled into a mirthless smirk, eyes like amber droplets, "yes. Now I will pose you a question."

"Okay."

"Your scent never changes until your moon flux comes. Are you not fertile?"

Kagome grinned. "In these times, we can take pills that prevent pregnancy. Why? Were you trying to - "

"Don't be foolish. I was curious."

For just a moment, that fleeting moment, he sounded like the demon she knew back in the Feudal Era. The core of his personality was still there beneath the pain and scars surrounding his soul.

Sesshoumaru dropped his hand off his chin and clasped hers, interlocking their fingers. Then he leaned forward, brushed his lips over her parted ones and rested his forehead against hers. "I did enjoy dancing with you. You learn quickly."

Kagome's heart ached, and she wasn't sure whether it was pleasure or pain.

"I took some classes in college. I can tango and waltz." Her dark eyes stared deeply into his gold ones. "But I...I loved it when you tossed your hair. I've never seen you move like that. It was beautiful."

"The hair flick." Sesshoumaru's eyelids fluttered. His eyelashes were so long they almost touched hers. "In ancient times it was meant to frighten other suitors away. Now it's just an ornamental means to excite a woman."

"It worked." She chuckled at that, "And you have gorgeous hair. That gives you every right to show it off."

Sesshoumaru squeezed her hand and let go, his face deadpan. "This 'gorgeous hair' needs to be washed."

Laughing, Kagome picked up the shampoo. Sesshoumaru eased up onto his knees to give her full access to his glorious mane. He braced himself against the wall while she worked up a lather. The water beaded up on his alabaster skin like sequins on fine silk.

"There's one thing about you that's really been making me curious," she covered his eyes out of sheer habit and turned on the shower head to rinse his hair.

"Yes?"

"Your moon..."

"Oh, that." He sounded amused, "The mark of the firstborn. I was born under the third phase of the moon, so shortly after my birth the marking was tattooed into my brow. It was a very painful process...in order to mark my brow, the fur had to be plucked."

Kagome winced at that, her fingers seeking the mark they spoke about. Naturally she couldn't feel it. Like any tattoo the coloring was deep under the skin.

"Father was the youngest of two children, so he didn't have a marking. I know not of what happened his elder brother. But I recall my mother having the same mark as myself, as she was born under the third phase of the moon as well." His head tilted suddenly, "Finish washing my hair before my fingers wrinkle."

Blinking, she remembered herself and quickly shampooed the length of his hair, spraying it gently to rinse. "Sorry...if you get wrinkled, I'll put that rosewater lotion on for you to stop the dry skin."

Sesshoumaru just shook himself and climbed out of the tub. Water splashed everywhere. He calmly walked over to the toilet, knelt and barfed his demonic brains out. Kagome wrinkled her nose at the gurgling sounds and gently wrapped a towel around his shoulders to keep him warm.

"You all right?" She rubbed his back.

He just looked at her like 'you tell me'. "Human alcohol does not agree with me."

"Let's hope you remember that the next time you ponder getting wasted." She poured some mouthwash into its own lid, handed it to him and waited while he swished his mouth out. Fortunately, he spat the green liquid into the toilet instead of swallowing it.

"I knew exactly what would happen when I consumed that liquor. I chose to take the consequences as they came." His body stiffened as a wave of fruitless retching closed his throat. He let his cheek rest against the toilet seat and closed his eyes, lips barely moving when he whispered, "Kagome, attend to me so that I may sleep."

_So much for having a moment_. Kagome sighed. Sesshoumaru's abrupt changes from almost kind to demanding were still difficult to deal with. Sometimes she wondered if he knew any other way to ask for her assistance.

"Can you sit up?"

A few moments later found Kagome brushing Sesshoumaru's hair dry and dressing him in a clean brown yukata. The demon climbed into his own bed soon after, offering only a quick look as thanks.

He was snoring when she left for work and puking in the toilet when she came home. This went on for three days; the only things he could keep down were soup broth and grape-flavored Gatorade. Kagome only offered food when he requested it. On the fourth day he ate sushi on rice and drank orange juice without a single retch.

o0o

"Car-di-ologist?"

"Right."

Sesshoumaru peered ahead at the poster on the metal door, which showed labeled images of the heart. He sat perched on the exam table with the sonogram machine on his right. On his left was a tray containing gloves, metal EKG cups and a tube of gel. Everything in the room looked pristine, white and clean.

"And this machine uses sound waves to peer at my heart?" asked the confused demon lord.

Kagome tilted her head with a smile. "Hey, you've been reading my old text books, haven't you?"

He smirked in silent reply. "As long as the tests don't involve shoving me back into that strange tube."

"Oh, no, you don't have to get an MRI again." Kagome shuddered at the thought. Sesshoumaru and tight places didn't mesh. "You'll like Doctor B. He's just about as patient as Yakamoto."

"Doctor B?"

"Oh! Sorry...his full name is Wagura Bessho." she grinned, "But he works with kids too so everybody just calls him Doctor B. He's seen more hearts than any doctor I ever met. I trust him. So, nervous?"

He snorted derisively and fixed his amber eyes back on the heart chart.

Ten minutes later the door swung open and Doctor B strolled in. He was a a short man of four foot eleven with almond-shaped brown eyes and sleek, thinning hair combed neatly back out of his round face. Under his white coat he wore a blue shirt and a pale red tie embroidered with pictures of Mickey Mouse. His stethoscope had a plastic Mickey strung between the ear pieces.

Doctor B bowed profusely and chattered, "Hello! Sorry I'm late! We had a little confusion over an appointment. Hello, Kagome! So this is Mr. Maru?"

"Sesshou." Sesshoumaru corrected brusquely, although he clearly didn't like his shortened "first name" much.

"Sesshou, right, sooooo I see you're our latest Sleeping Beauty. That was quite a nap you had, wasn't it? Oh, love the gold contacts, by the way. Cool tats, too. Kids and the goth scene, heh, heh! Cat eyes?"

"Dog." Sesshoumaru cut in.

"Right, right...what's an old fart like me know, right? So, how did you get your ears to look so pointy like-"

"Hn." The demon lord visibly struggled to remain calm. "Doctor, if you please, I would like to get this examination over with."

Kagome and Doctor B exchanged amused looks. Then Doctor B clicked his pen and started writing on his chart. "Okay, I can see you're the type who likes to get right down to business. So you've been having valve trouble, I hear...mmhmm," he lifted a few pages to read the copied notes, nodded once and shrugged into his stethoscope. "I'm just gonna have a listen."

Sesshoumaru unbuttoned his brown shirt and stared straight ahead while the doctor listened to his chest.

"Inhale slowly," said Doctor B.

Sesshoumaru inhaled and turned his gaze lazily to Kagome, looking mighty annoyed.

"And out, slowly. Good, good, breathe like that until I say otherwise." Dr. B moved the stethoscope around Sesshoumaru's sternum, using both the diaphragm and bell to pick out different heart sounds. His round face assumed a look of utter concentration. "Mm, nice job. Lie down please."

The paper on the table crackled. Sesshoumaru's eyes now stared a hole through the neon light in the ceiling. He ignored the stethoscope completely. A moment later he was instructed to lie on his left side. Then the doctor asked him to squat, stand up straight and then lay on his right side. His blood pressure and pulse were taken. The tests became tedious, but Sesshoumaru tolerated each one with an expressionless face.

Doctor B frowned, wrote something on his chart and turned to Kagome. "It's gone up to a stage three murmur with a big mid-systolic click."

Kagome's heart sank. She let a sigh pass her parted lips. _I caused this...I hurt him by loving him_.

"Stage three murmur, you say?" Asked Sesshoumaru boredly from his supine position. "So it has worsened."

"'fraid so," replied Doctor B. Putting on his gloves, he attached the metal EKG electrodes to Sesshoumaru's chest and reached for the white gel tube on the tray. "Well, let's take a look-see and see what's up with this MV, shall we? This might be a little cold at first." And with a splat he squeezed a zig-zag of clear jelly across Sesshoumaru's pecs. "Just look at the screen here and you'll see your ticker."

Kagome eased in next to the table on the side opposite to the sonogram machine. Doctor B sat down on a stool and reached for the transducer. He rubbed it back and forth on Sesshoumaru's chest to spread out the gel, flicked on the machine and started recording.

At first it just showed a moving gray mass. When Doctor B's hand moved upwards the mass suddenly split into four distinct, pulsating blobs of blackness outlined in shades of gray and white. He tapped a few keys below the screen and more detail came in. It went from a blob to a near-perfect image of Sesshoumaru's beating heart. Kagome easily made out the winking movements of all four valves. His tricuspid valve, which was normal, closed into a tiny straight line.

"Amazing," Sesshoumaru stared with wide eyes. As soon as he spoke the image blurred a little.

"Ain't it?" He shifted the transducer for an even clearer image and grinned. "Hey, did you know your heart is almost dead center in your chest? Pretty wild, most hearts tilt to the left. Don't worry, it's just a variation in how you're built."

"Hn."

"This is cool. Okay, quiet please." Doctor B moved the transducer device to the upper left a bit, tilted it and zoomed in for a better view of the mitral valve. It didn't form a straight little line. One side tilted up slightly, as if the valve wasn't even closing all the way. Doctor B asked Sesshoumaru to cough, which agitated his heart into beating faster for a few beats. The tiny line broke even further.

"So it gets nasty with sudden exertion. Mm...heart walls are thin too, but I think that's from the starving and it'll improve once we figure out how to deal with this goofy valve." Clicking another button, Doctor B activated the sonar. Blood moving towards the transducer appeared blue while blood moving away appeared red. Then he slid the device up slightly towards Sesshoumaru's collarbone and tilted it at an angle. A huge blue jet filled the screen, faded into red and disappeared. Doctor B held his position and watched the blue jet repeat itself.

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and licked his lips. His heart beat faster on the sonogram screen. Kagome pressed a light hand to his shoulder and squeezed, trying to bring him some kind of comfort.

"That's some nasty regurgitation." Doctor B shifted the transducer and watched the screen from several angles. Then he turned off the equipment and handed Sesshoumaru a tissue to wipe the goop off his chest. "I'm amazed you're not on the ground gasping for breath right now. I'm going to be honest with you, Sesshou. If we don't do something soon, this thing is going put you in heart failure. You're already hanging on the edge. It's not a matter of if anymore, it's _when_."

The demon asked, "What exactly is heart failure?"

Kagome accepted the tissue Sesshoumaru somewhat rudely shoved in her face. At first she thought she'd be asking all the questions, but Sesshoumaru seemed to be handling it fine on his own. She half-listened while Doctor B explained, "It's when your heart doesn't pump as well as it should. Instead of roaring along like a Harley, it just kind of put-puts like a motor scooter. Or..." he raised a brow at the blank look Sesshoumaru gave him. "Uh...let's just say it will lead to death pretty fast if you don't stop it before it establishes itself. But I can stop that lickety-split with a new valve. You're a great candidate for a mechanical valve."

"So I need surgery." Sesshoumaru leaned forward to look the cardiologist dead in the eye. When he spoke, his voice carried deadly seriousness, "What kind of life will I live after this surgery? Will I be able to exert myself without fear of fainting or losing my breath?"

"Oh, sure! There's no reason why you can't! Hey...if you want a secret...I have an artificial mitral myself! A lovely little Saint Jude bileaflet...and I'm healthy as a horse! And you know what?" Doctor B smiled and fiddled with his Mickey Mouse tie, "With your naturally thin blood, I don't even think you'll have to take anticoagulants like most people."

__

He isn't 'most people'. Kagome mused.

Gold eyes turned to Kagome, a smile hidden somewhere in their depths. "If it means returning to full health, I'll do it."

"Cool. I'll have to call a few meetings together and discuss this in more detail. But if this works out, I'll even do the operation myself."

"Will Kagome be allowed to assist you?" Sesshoumaru's face was so serious it almost hurt. It also sounded strange, hearing him say her name. "She and I discussed the possibility of surgery, and she said she would be near me."

Doctor B raised a bushy eyebrow. He looked from Kagome to Sesshoumaru, blinked and smiled, "I'll see if I can get her signed on. My assistants might let her stay when they open you up and then boot her, but I know she'll be in the room with you for some of it."

"Good." Sesshoumaru's businesslike tone continued, "When will this take place?"

"I'll have a consult with you tomorrow and then run this by the board. You'll get a call when I know for sure." He clicked his pen, saying, "Until then, I want you to take it easy. No strenuous exercise, no sexual activity. Walking around is okay, in fact I recommend it. I want to see you back here right away if you have trouble breathing or your legs start to swell, that'll mean heart failure."

A grave nod followed by a smirk. For Sesshoumaru, strenuous activity meant fighting a battle. Running did no harm to him - he ran on treadmills just fine. But sex..._that_ raised his pulse rate.

"Ah, thanks for dropping by. Gotta go, dozens of patients, so little time. Kagome, you have my cell if there's an emergency."

Kagome waved to the man, "Thanks a lot, Doctor B!"

Doctor B grinned and swept out. "Hey, Tai! What do you get when you cross a Bulldog with a Shi Tzu?" and the sound of a technician laughing echoed in the hall.

"That doctor is a very odd human." said Sesshoumaru after a brief silence. His fingers worked at the buttons on his shirt, and she realized his fine motor skills were almost completely back to what they were before his long coma. The shirt he wore just so happened to be the first shirt he picked out and bought all by himself. As usual it had long sleeves. He finished buttoning the shirt and turned his head. One lapel on the collar was folded in the wrong direction.

"There's plenty more weirder than that." Kagome eased her sweater back on and fixed his collar, "C'mon, let's get you home."

"By the way..." he peered at her, "what is a Saint Jude?"

"Um, I'll show you later."

"Of course." He ignored all stares directed his way. A few girls giggled and pointed as he passed. "And there is something I would like you to do."

Kagome blinked a few times. Had she heard right? Sesshoumaru rarely ever requested anything, usually he told her what to do and expected her to comply. She peered curiously at his face, "yeah?"

"Show me this world." He met her eyes, "All I have seen are medical facilities, the market and your home. If this is the world I am to live in, I must learn more, and your television is a poor teacher."

Laughter bubbled in Kagome's throat. She'd forgotten about that! All this time spent worrying about his health and she hadn't made a single offer to help him adjust to his new life. She couldn't imagine how cooped up, stuffy and lost he must have felt while being poked, prodded, manipulated and examined. Especially since it all happened with instruments he never saw or heard of.

"I'll tell you what..." Kagome pulled out her checkbook to observe her funds. She had some savings built up. A little downtime seemed in order. "I'm off this weekend. Saturday morning we'll get up early and I'll take you somewhere fun. How's that sound?" A hopeful smile curled her lips.

"That will suffice for now," the demon answered softly.

"Good." She pushed the exit door open and stepped out into the sunlight.

That evening, Kagome showed Sesshoumaru how to operate her computer and introduced him to the internet. Seeing him sitting there, moving the mouse and typing (hunt and peck) was strange at first. But once she explained everything he was set. Yahoo couldn't keep up with his hunger for knowledge.

He was still at the computer when she woke up at three in the morning to use the bathroom. The square of light from the monitor bathed the room in a soft glow. He was watching a Quicktime video of surgeons performing a mitral valve replacement procedure. The very same surgery he would soon undergo.

"I didn't know someone would pour ice over my heart to stop it."

Kagome yawned. "It cools and preserves the tissue. If someone goes under a frozen lake they'll live longer than someone who sinks in the ocean. Same thing here. Doctor B doesn't like using chemicals around hearts if he can help it. He also doesn't like going in through the middle of the chest. He'll probably work from your left or right side. Less visible scarring and no damage to your sternum."

"Hn."

Sesshoumaru watched the screen again. A scalpel cut away the pericardial sac surrounding the heart, spread it open like old gift wrap, then cut expertly into the heart itself. The same scalpel sliced right into the left atrium and another instrument reached in to retract it. Suction tubing came in to clean out leftover blood clots. Then the view changed to stare straight down at the diseased mitral valve, which looked like a pouty grayish-white mouth sticking its bottom lip out.

Kagome gazed at the operation as well. Live open hearts always reminded her of slimy pizza toppings covered in too much sauce. She looked over at Sesshoumaru to see if any of this had an effect on him. His expression remained deadpan, though he licked his lips now and then.

__

Don't tell me he finds this appetizing, she thought to herself, turning her attention back to the screen.

Simple sutures and pledgets were placed carefully around the remaining annulus tissue. Each "upswing" of the needle placed a stitch in the cloth ring surrounding the mechanical valve. Then the surgeon slid the new Saint Jude valve down into the opening, tied off his threads and snipped the loose ends with scissors.

The Saint Jude valve was a simple device. It consisted of a white sewing cuff surrounding a metal ring. The silver-black leaflets were like double doors with the hinge in the middle instead of on opposite sides.

"Your medical technology is amazing." Sesshoumaru kept on watching until the surgeons restarted the patients heart. Then he cut the feed and resumed surfing the site for info on the Saint Jude valve. He ended up accidentally pulling up a Medtronic Hall valve, which utilized a tilting disk on a curved guide strut instead of bileaflets.

"Perhaps this one is a better design than the Saint Jude. Less blood turbulence." He glanced at her.

"Ooh, somebody's been reading." She eyed the artificial valve on the screen. "Actually the bileaflets are better than tilting disks. They might create more turbulence, but they're more reliable. Disks can come off their struts, but leaflets stay put pretty good."

"If you say so."

"I know so." Kagome moaned when she saw the time. "Go to bed."

Sesshoumaru glared at her, his eyes lit by a weird blue sheen from the computer screen, "I will determine when I need sleep."

"Mm, whatever." She padded back to settle under the covers.

The next morning, Kagome took Sesshoumaru to Doctor B's slightly messy office for a surgical consultation. Doctor B believed he was a perfect candidate for a mechanical valve. Now it was just a matter of getting him approved for the procedure. Kagome hoped the review board wouldn't be stingy.

"We could give you a porcine valve, but that'd have you coming back every ten years to have it replaced. I hope they don't toss one of those at you. They suck for younger patients like yourself, but older people tolerate them better."

"Every ten years?" Sesshoumaru fixed his golden eyes on Doctor B's round face, "That is not an option."

"I know," Doctor B glanced at Kagome, smiled and winked. His attention returned to Sesshoumaru's serious expression. "It is possible you'll have to take anticoagulants so your blood won't goop up against this thing after it's in. But your blood tests have shown you have thin blood already, so anticoagulants may not be necessary for you. You're one lucky guy if that's the case."

"You're going to be cutting me open." the demon lord glared, "That does not make me feel very...lucky."

"Sesshou," Kagome interrupted, "He's kidding."

Gilded eyes silenced her. "I know that time is an issue. How long can I live without this operation? How long will I have to wait?"

Kagome waited in silence, mentally prepared to double the time of whatever Doctor B said.

"Well," Doctor B ran a hand over his slicked back hair, scratching at the few gray streaks creeping along his hairline. "I won't lie to you...at the longest I'd give you a month or two before your heart fails completely. I'm utterly amazed you're not swollen up like a balloon and gasping for breath right now."

"I don't want to live like this."

Kagome chewed her bottom lip. Those simple words struck a chord in her. She gazed across the room at the many photographs pinned up on the wall, each one a photo of someone whose heart Doctor B operated on. There were hundreds. All ages, shapes and sizes. She smiled slightly and focused on one blank spot where she hoped to find Sesshoumaru's picture the next time she entered this office.

"...and this is the little darling we'll be placing inside you." the doctor's voice was saying. Kagome glanced over to see him place a Saint Jude valve, which was about the size of an American dime, on Sesshoumaru's palm.

Sesshoumaru took an inconspicuous sniff of the material, then placed it on his other hand, grasped it in two fingers and turned it over, causing the metal leaflets to fall open.

__

And to think...a few months ago he couldn't even hold his head up.

"Interesting." He looked at the glass case beside Doctor B's desk. "And what is that?"

"This?" Doctor B pointed to a mechanical valve that consisted of a ring and a metal cage with a ball inside. "Ahh, the Starr-Edwards, the first ever mechanical heart valve. If nobody invented this baby, you wouldn't be holding what's in your hand right now." He gestured to a dozen other valves inside the display case - tilting disks, ball-cages, disk-cages and several bileaflets. "Over the course of my career, I've probably implanted at least one model of these in somebody."

Sesshoumaru placed the Saint Jude valve back on the desktop. The leaflets fell shut with a soft clank. He peered at it for a long time, his face a mask of pensiveness. "With this...I will survive indefinitely?"

"You will if you don't get hit by lightning or run over by a truck after it's implanted."

A smirk curled Sesshoumaru's lips.

Kagome started to wonder if she even needed to be there. She sat there utterly amazed at how well Sesshoumaru was handling the whole situation. He'd most definitely gone through all of her medical books and done reading online. Earlier that morning she checked her computer and discovered he'd watched videos of several surgeries. Bowel resections, gastric bypass, coronary bypass, heart transplants, brain surgery and amputations.

The only one that made him raise a brow was the radical cystoprostatectomy and penectomy. A procedure where surgeons removed the bladder, prostate and penis, then connected the ureters to a grafted piece of small intestine that acted as a conduit leading outside the body.

"Kagome?" Sesshoumaru's low voice cut in.

She blinked, "Sorry?"

"What do you think of this?"

Kagome noticed both were peering expectantly at her. Heat circulated into her cheeks. "It's up to you, Sesshou. I'll support whatever decision you make."

"I will undergo this procedure." Sesshoumaru stated it like an order.

"Okay, then," Doctor B typed something into his computer. "That's it. I'll try to put a rush in, so you'll probably get a call next week when I find out what the board says. I'm sure they'll okay it." he grinned at the demon lord, "Good luck."

Sesshoumaru stood and left the office without a word of farewell or thanks. Kagome apologized on his behalf before rushing to follow him. Doctor B had to be worried if he wanted to rush this surgery without even a transesophageal echo. She gazed up at Sesshoumaru's impassive face once they reached the waiting room.

"Are you mad?"

He looked down. "No. I'm tired of this weakness. I look forward to conquering it, though I loathe what I must do in order to achieve my goal."

"Right. The whole human aid thing."

"Yes."

"Time changes things."

Sesshoumaru's eyes burned through her. "It does, and far too much."

"Sessh-"

"No more words."

o0o END OF CHAPTER o0o

-Glossary-

Annulus - the ring-like structure on a heart valve where the valve leaflets are anchored.

Call Button Jockey - slang for an annoying patient that uses call button all night long for no good reason.

Coronary disease - hardening and/or blockage of the blood vessels on the surface heart.

Pledgets - small pieces of biocompatible material that are used as buttresses under sutures when there is a possibility of sutures tearing through tissue.

Porcine valve - the heart valves of animals, like pigs, which undergo several chemical procedures in order to make them suitable for implantation in the human heart.

Transducer - the device that emits sound waves which are translated to images on a sonogram machine.

Transesophageal echocardiogram - an echo taken with a transducer probe inserted into the esophagus(food pipe). This allows a doctor to see structures of the heart not visible through a normal echocardiogram.


	10. When the Past Weighs Too Much

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 10  
When the Past Weighs Too Much

o0o

__

Whump-whump-whump-whump.

"Must they make it like night time in here?"

"Yes, Sesshoumaru," Kagome's voice jiggled from all the jolting, "it's supposed to look like outer space."

__

Whump-whump-whump-whump...

"But why?" Sesshoumaru hedged.

"Because this is called Space - "

__

Whump-whump-CLINK! ZOOM!

" - Mountain, AAAAH!"

Suddenly the world swirled. Kagome shut her eyes tight as the car turned sharply right and tipped over for a rough sideways loop. Her butt rose a hair off the seat.

Sesshoumaru shouted over the noise of the ride, "What is the meaning of this!"

Kagome shrieked back, laughing, "Just shut up and enjoy it! Put your hands in the air!"

The car looped left. Kagome's shoulder rammed into Sesshoumaru's arm. Her hair blew up in her face.

"You are insane, woman!"

She only laughed at him. "Scared?"

His bangs blew back off his forehead. "I don't scare easily."

"Hahaha, here comes the big turn!" Kagome threw her arms up and screamed her head off. G-forces shoved her down into the seat, making her feel like she was being thrown forward. Exhilaration bubbled into adrenaline. "WHOAAAA!"

A flash shocked the darkness and then it was over. The cart abruptly halted, captured again by clamps and drawn around the corner where it started. There was a click and the lap-bars swung upright. People behind them laughed, chattered and scrambled for the corridor leading out.

Sesshoumaru's hair, which was in a ponytail, looked like he just drove forty miles an hour with his head out a car window. He gave Kagome the dirtiest look when he climbed from the cart and walked to the exit. Kagome laughed and ran after him.

__

Doctor B said nothing strenuous, but his pulse isn't up and he looks fine. He's just miffed that I -

"You tricked me."

She mock-scowled, "I did not, you wanted to get on this thing! Now c'mon, let's go see our picture."

"Picture?" an eyebrow twitched.

Grabbing the demon's hand, Kagome pushed past the crowd and moved around the corner. Projection screens showed images of different carts full of people in various stages of amusement or distress. Theirs wasn't hard to spot - Sesshoumaru's white head stood out like a light bulb amidst candles.

Kagome had both arms in the air, her mouth open in a scream. Sesshoumaru's eyes were shut, his bangs were blowing straight up and he had the lap bar in a death grip.

"You had your eyes closed the whole time! Chicken!"

He sneered at her, "I did not. How dare you accuse me of such a thing. My eyes were closed because the flash blinded me."

"Mr. Denial. Admit it, you were petrified."

"We will ride it again," Sesshoumaru stated. He almost turned around to go in the exit, but Kagome caught his sweatshirt sleeve and led him back to the proper line.

"You have to go this way."

His face lost all expression. "This Sesshoumaru does not wait for entertainment."

"You do if you live in the modern era. Unless of course you want a fast pass, but we'll have to come back when it tells us." She looked ahead at the wait time above the entrance. "Otherwise we'll be stuck here for an hour."

"An hour for a ride that passes in a flash?" Sesshoumaru tried to put order into his mussed ponytail. Then he took out his map of the park and examined it closely. "Foolishness. I would rather go elsewhere." And he pushed his way rudely out of the line.

Embarrassed, Kagome apologized and gingerly climbed over people to catch up with the demon. If Sesshoumaru was this bad at Tokyo Disneyland, she couldn't imagine how crazy it would have been if she brought Inuyasha. Especially since sitting him in public would warrant too much attention. She choked off the bitter thought, only to have another one break free. This trip wasn't just because Sesshoumaru was curious about the place. She also brought him here to make him some good memories in case he didn't survive his surgery.

So far they'd been on quite a few rides. Sesshoumaru claimed he hated the smell inside Small World, but his eyes took in everything. Maybe he secretly thought it was something Rin would have liked. Shippou certainly would've asked to ride again if he came along.

But Sesshoumaru wasn't heading back to Small World. He stood in the most in the way spot possible to check his map again, then took off. Kagome jogged after him.

"Hey! Hold on! Where do you think you're going?"

"The next mountain attraction."

"Splash Mountain?"

"Yes." Sesshoumaru said. His aura began to rise and a cloud formed around his feet.

Gasping, Kagome grabbed his arm and pulled him down before he levitated more than a foot off the ground. "You can't fly here! People will see you!"

"It is crowded."

"Yes, Captain Obvious, it's Disneyland. It's supposed to be crowded."

Sesshoumaru shot her one of his icy looks. He turned away and walked, a silver-headed, too-tall form moving amidst a sea of dark haired people of all ages. Though some foundation covered his markings and his hair was pulled in a ponytail that hid his ears, he still didn't look quite human next to the sea of real humans surrounding him.

Kagome crumpled her map, "Wait up!"

Forty minutes later, Kagome found herself wedged between Sesshoumaru's legs on the log flume. She blushed when she recalled the last time they touched each other in such a way. Yet even that memory was tainted with a bad outcome. She shoved it aside and leaned back, silently enjoying the solid feel of Sesshoumaru's jeans-clad legs framing her own. His chest rose and fell gently behind her back.

"This ride is oddly designed." he said.

"It wouldn't move as well if they built it any wider." She patted his leg, "Just relax. This one's nice."

"I - oof!" Whatever Sesshoumaru was going to say got cut off when the log surged into motion.

The flume scraped the sides and plopped noisily into the corridor. Music, animatronic anthromorphic animals and the smell of chlorine waited just beyond.

Sesshoumaru almost got up the first time a drop splashed them. Kagome leaned back to prevent his escape. His poor jeans were soaked from the knee down! She had to point out others got wet too just to prove it wasn't a conspiracy to humiliate him. He grudgingly relaxed.

And then they rounded a corner with little Brer Rabbit all tied up in thick ropes. The log promptly tilted upwards.

__

Whump-whump-whump-whump-whump...

"You said this was a _nice_ ride."

Kagome looked over her shoulder, grinning. "I lied!"

__

CLINK!

Sesshoumaru's eyes widened.

"Oh, one more thing, they take your picture on this one, too!"

The flume dropped!

"YAAAAAAAAH!"

"You deceptive woman!" Sesshoumaru snarled as the flume made its swift descent. He gripped the bar with white knuckles.

The picture came out to show two grinning kids in the front, Kagome screaming and Sesshoumaru in the back, his gold eyes the size of saucers and his mouth WIDE open in the middle of his "you deceptive woman!" snarl.

It was too funny to pass up. Kagome walked up to the desk and bought a copy.

Sesshoumaru needed a brief rest after Splash Mountain. Kagome brought him an expensive bottled water that he downed without offering to share.

"After this heart surgery, I hope I will not need to stop and rest after three rides."

"We'll see." Kagome folded everything back into her backpack. Then she tossed out a few wrappers. "Hopefully you won't need anticoagulants for - "

"Don't discuss that with me again." Sesshoumaru wrinkled his nose, pinning her with a gilded glare. "We are going to the next mountain ride."

__

He's liking this place. Kagome thought smugly to herself, "You're the boss."

Off they went to the next ride. Big Thunder Mountain, a roller coaster shaped like a train.

Sesshoumaru almost smiled on that one. He snuck off to ride it again when she went to the bathroom. She just stood by the exit and watched his silver hair flap in the breeze.

Kagome dragged him onto the teacups next. With his help they had the fastest twirling teacup on the whole spinning floor. She came off the ride so dizzy he had to hold her up.

They wandered to Sleeping Beauty's castle where Kagome recounted the story to Sesshoumaru and joked about how he had a lot in common with Aurora. He just shook his head at her, said something about a kiss having more power than she realized and went on to explore pictures from The Little Mermaid and Snow White.

She finally dragged him onto Peter Pan. He hated that one. So she took him into the Haunted House - he seemed to like it. Especially since the black lights made his hair glow like white fire in the dark.

After that they found themselves watching people paint each others' faces up with specialized paints. Sesshoumaru sat Kagome down and proceeded to paint on her forehead and cheeks.

"Hey! What are you painting?"

He twitched an eyebrow. "You will see. Be still and close your eyes."

Kagome did so. The cool brush glided wetly across her eyelids. Then the backs of her eyelids shone crimson as he held up the mirror.

"You may look."

She opened her eyes to discover Sesshoumaru had painted stripes identical to his own on her cheeks. Her eyelids were red and a blue sun adorned her brow. She blinked at it. "A sun?"

A smirk curled his lips. He started wiping off the foundation covering his natural marks. "If I am the moon, you are the sun. And now nobody will think oddly of my face if they see my marks."

"Hey!" Kagome laughed, "You just did that so you can take off that makeup!"

"Perhaps I -"

The Mark Twain boat caught Sesshoumaru's interest, making him cut off whatever he was going to say. Kagome happily took him onto it. He called her attention to the colorful sunset, the sun swollen and sinking into shades of gold and purple. Smiling, she laid her head on his shoulder to watch it. He let her, even squeezing her hand lightly when she interlocked their fingers.

"It's beau - "

"Shhh, no words."

And life stood still until the ride ended. He held her hand the entire time.

They had a steak dinner together right after. Sesshoumaru ordered his as rare as it came. He daintily consumed every bit of the meat, but didn't touch his mashed potatoes or fries. Grease, he often said, would lead to an early demise. But Kagome didn't mind, she ate his leftovers herself. Sometime during the meal he muttered that his servant, Jaken, could cook better than 'this human facility'.

"And people continue to stare at me like I am an attraction," he growled.

"You're good-looking. Enjoy it."

Sesshoumaru set his fork down and patted his mouth with the napkin. "That shouldn't be a reason to gawk."

"They've never seen a pretty man like you before," Kagome smiled over her soda. "They probably think you're a supermodel."

"I would rather they fear me," the demon sighed, sipping his tea. "I suppose I will have to get used to this lack of fear. How could they fear when they don't realize the danger?"

"You'd be surprised."

His nostrils flared. He did that a lot, just randomly sniffing the air. Kagome was amazed the massive mix of scents didn't bowl him over every time he inhaled. He finally did wrinkle his nose when someone walked by with a lit cigarette. His narrowed gold eyes followed the smoker.

"That is a disgusting habit." He sneered.

"Yeah, it causes cancer too." Looking at her watch, Kagome gasped, "Oh! There's a show starting on Main street in about ten minutes. I think you'll really like it."

Sesshoumaru's shiny head tilted, brow inching up, "What type of show?"

She smiled at him, dark sapphire eyes twinkling. "Something that caters exactly to your love of wordless expression."

His lips quirked. "What is it called?"

"_Cirque du Soleil_." Kagome fumbled over the pronunciation.

"Circus of the Sun," he translated, "the French always were poetic." Then, looking at her, he whispered, "_Ange de la lune_."

"And what does that mean?"

"I'll tell you...just not today."

She punched his shoulder lightly, smiling. "Bah!"

When they perched on the curb to watch the show, Kagome noticed Sesshoumaru sat still as a statue. He watched the entire thing through faraway eyes that seemed lost in his memory. The performers sent silent messages with their bodies that he read like books. After the show ended he asked Kagome if they could see it again sometime. She happily told him they had regular broadcasts of full-length performances on TV every few months.

Later on that night, Kagome had just settled down on the floor with a good book when the soft weight of Sesshoumaru's chin came to rest on her left shoulder. Kagome blinked, looking up to see a full moon shining into the skylight. Full moon nights were the only time he ever actively sought her comfort. The only hour when his walls fell away to expose the wounded soul underneath.

Without question she put her book down and reached back to stroke his soft hair. She'd learned, through experience, that he wanted nothing more than her hand petting his head. No hugging, no cuddling, no hand-holding and no whispered words.

Twin ice beads trickled onto Kagome's neck. She pulled her feet out from under herself and sat Indian style, creating for him the cradle where he always rested his head. Usually he curled up on his side. This time he settled on his back and stared up at her in the moonlight, his eyelashes holding the few stars that hadn't yet fallen into his golden depths. He caught the hand she was using to stroke his hair and placed it lightly on his moist cheek.

Kagome caressed Sesshoumaru's cheekbone. His eyes fluttered shut and the silent tears he shed continued their endless journey down his pale face. She wiped them away with her thumb, only to have more add a new trail.

The curve of his face fit perfectly against her palm. She marveled at how her fingertips molded to the hollow of his temple. Under her palm were the strong bones and muscles making up his jaw and cheek. The tiny pulse next to his ear tapped gently against her little finger. His soft skin warmed to hers.

She moved her thumb down over his small lips. Their moist softness parted for her, letting her explore them. No man she ever knew had lips as perfect and beautiful as his. She let her thumb rub back and forth across the little hollow created by his cupid's bow. No stubble, not even peach fuzz. The skin there was softer than a newborn's bottom.

__

Beautiful. Kagome smiled slightly at him even though his eyes were closed.

Her index finger curled to lightly touch his velvety eyelashes. They felt like his voice sounded - soft and cold. The demon didn't flinch away, but he did open his eyes to look up at her. She noticed for the first time that no more tears fell.

All at once Sesshoumaru sat up to end this session of silence. He abruptly climbed into his bed with his back to her and went to sleep, leaving her alone in her confusion.

The next morning, Sunday, they went out sightseeing all over Tokyo. Sesshoumaru didn't feel as well that day - and Kagome suspected he'd been having issues at Disneyland that he didn't mention and now they were catching up. But he insisted they go out, so he had Kagome push him around in the wheelchair. She didn't mind. In fact, the manner in which he stuck his nose in the air while she wheeled him along just cracked her up. He _still_ considered it a mobile throne.

Together, they visited art museums, had ice cream cones in a park(Sesshoumaru ordered a double chocolate scoop and ended up dropping half of it on his shoe), drove amidst sparkling skyscrapers and stood high atop Tokyo Tower where the world became toy-sized.

Kagome looked over at Sesshoumaru. He still looked utterly out of place next to the tower's plexi glass windows. The sunlight flashed across his golden eyes. Then he turned his head to look at her and his bangs spilled across his forehead. Silver strands danced against his shoulder and white sleeve. He just so happened to be wearing the same white pullover he wore his first day in therapy.

It seemed like so long ago.

He'd mastered chopsticks again. He had beautiful penmanship. He walked up and down stairs, did squats, everything his body forgot was now remembered. The only things holding him back were his memories and a faulty heart valve. And he would soon be rid of the heart issue.

Then what? He'd be healthy. No longer in need of a nurse.

"There is no magic anymore," Sesshoumaru whispered.

Kagome blinked up at him. "Sorry?"

He twitched an eyebrow and let his eyes slide over the jagged blue and silver skyline, which was tainted by smog. Mount Fuji's distant white peak appeared to rise right out of his shoulder. "There is no magic, only technology. Magic has become nothing more than fiction. The world...has forgotten."

"All fiction has a thread of truth, or else there's nothing to base a story on." She reached out and rubbed his back. Touching him was her way of showing him she didn't find his scars repulsive. "And I'm not the world. I know the truth."

"Yes." A mirthless smile curled his lips. "I suppose being remembered in myths and folk tales is better than not being remembered at all."

His eyes returned to the city below.

Kagome's breath fogged the window. "I wish - "

"Shh. No more words."

As the sun went down, Kagome took Sesshoumaru for a long train ride that left the bustling city behind. Within an hour they shifted to a bus and transferred to a cable car that took them for another long, steep ride.

Sesshoumaru peered out the window, "This does not smell like the city."

"Because it's one of few areas we're protecting." Kagome checked her digital camera, smiling.

A few moments later, they arrived at Mitake gorge. Smells of trees, stone, water and soil surrounded them. Kagome led Sesshoumaru onto the hiking trail. Almost immediately he caught the scent of something and veered into the trees. She scrambled after him while her mind had flashes of herself and Inuyasha's group camping amidst these same trees.

The memories made her smile. She raised her camera to catch a photo of Sesshoumaru walking up ahead. He glanced over his shoulder for the source of the flash.

"Slow down!" Kagome cried.

"I am not out of breath. You are just slow." Sesshoumaru hopped the last roots to stand on the rocky bank of the Tama river. There, he stood statue-still and stared into the foamy water as it roared and sizzled mere inches from his toes. Bright moonlight turned his hair into a glittering curtain.

Here, surrounded in natural greenery, he didn't look out of place.

Kagome caught a few great photos of him with the wind teasing his hair, the trees and river in the background. Part of her half-expected Rin, Jaken and Ah-Un to burst from the trees any second. He looked back expectantly, as if wishing for the same thing. She captured his wistful, slightly-sad backwards glance.

"Rin used to fish here," was all he said about it.

A group of tourists and thrill-seekers sped by on a white-water raft. Kagome watched them wipe out a short distance away. Sesshoumaru just arched a brow.

"I will never understand why you humans find such things entertaining."

"Oh, poo on you." Kagome took his hand and led him back onto the trail. "Although those people are idiots for doing that in the dark..."

They slowly made their way to the Nanayo waterfall. It was a beautiful multi-tiered waterfall that ambled over layers of rock and moss.

Sesshoumaru gazed languidly upwards. "When I was young, I jumped from the top of these falls."

Kagome imagined a young demon lord falling from above the mist. She couldn't quite picture him as a little boy. "Whenever I think of you young, I just see a puppy."

He looked amused, "I was short and had a round face until I became an adolescent. Then I lost that...you humans call it 'baby fat', and have not changed much since then, save that I'm much taller. Does that help?"

"It's still hard to believe you were ever a kid." She inhaled the misty spray as if it would clean her lungs of all impurities. "Inuyasha I can picture because...well...he always was a bit immature. But you're so different than he was."

"Inuyasha was always a brash, belligerent child." came Sesshoumaru's cool reply. "He let his emotions rule over his decisions and as a result he often wound up in compromising situations. Situations that could've been avoided had he simply stopped to think of what he was doing."

"But he always got out of those situations."

"Luck."

Kagome looked away. She didn't want to fight with him over this...or anything else. "Either way, he could dig himself out of pretty much any mess he got himself into."

Sesshoumaru flexed his left hand. "I know." Then he sniffed, turned away and started walking a ways up the trail.

The scent reached Kagome as well.

__

Cedar.

She found Sesshoumaru standing at the foot of a large cedar tree, his hand on the bark and his eyes faraway.

"Sesshoumaru?"

"Follow me." He vanished around the tree.

"Where are we going?" She barely made him out in the darkness. The trees grew so tall they nearly blotted out the moon.

"Shh." A hand emerged to grab her arm, pulling her forward.

Something twinkled in the dark. Kagome could hear frogs croaking all around, though they went silent when she and Sesshoumaru stepped on the bank of a small pond. The water was so still it appeared like ice. It was an area so motionless one would think they stepped into a photograph.

His voice came out from the dark. "Sit down. There's a log behind you."

Taking his word for it, she sat down. The hard wood of a log greeted her butt. Soft moss cushioned the impact.

Kagome heard Sesshoumaru rustle the branches around them. The buzz of an insect. More rustling.

And suddenly the place exploded into a cloud of fireflies. It looked as if the stars fell from Heaven to land all around them. Each one as gold as Sesshoumaru's eyes.

Sesshoumaru sat perched on the other end of the log. The fireflies illuminated the curve of his face, clung to his hair and made his eyes shimmer like the city lights. He looked like the angel Tetsura believed him to be. Kagome, in utter awe, raised the camera to capture him that way for all eternity. He pulled the camera from her hand and set it aside.

"Stop relying on that silly picture box," he whispered, "and just be still."

Kagome reluctantly turned off her camera and slid it into her back pocket. She watched Sesshoumaru as he sat motionless enough to become part of the landscape around them. His eyes were closed. He tilted his head back like he was drinking in the moonlight. The fireflies continued to flit about.

"Rin." She heard him whisper, and her heart ached. Reaching out, she laid her hand on top of his.

Sesshoumaru opened his eyes to meet hers. It occurred to her, suddenly, that he was trying to let go of the life he left behind. She knew how easily she could change how he thought of this place. It was as simple as unbuttoning his jeans and kneeling down. Akemi said that helped most men forget their unpleasant memories, yet Kagome could not grant him that because his heart couldn't handle the strain. For all his power, his life was chained down by a piece of tissue not much bigger than a man's thumbnail. The past clung to him like a drowning child clings to their rescuer. It wouldn't be so easy to shake off, and they both knew it.

"I'd like to return to the apartment...there is too much memory here," he said softly. His eyes were cold when they looked down into hers, "Too much that I can never return to."

Kagome nodded and quietly took him home. He spent the rest of the night writing in a notebook he "borrowed" from the office supplies she kept in her computer desk.


	11. The Face That is Familiar

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 11  
The Face That Is Familiar

o0o

Paperwork became the bane of Kagome's existence.

Ken caught strep throat, which meant a trip to the doctor and thus more papers for her to fill out. Her fingers ached from holding the pen and she could barely read her own handwriting. It didn't help that the doctor who checked Ken out had the most illegible Hiragana she'd ever seen. She spent three minutes just trying to figure out the antibiotics he'd been put on was actually "Amoxicillin".

Then there was their newest patient, an autistic teenaged girl named Rinako Matsumori. Rinako bore such a startling resemblance Sesshoumaru's little Rin that Kagome wondered if she was a reincarnation like herself. The poor girl couldn't hold a conversation for very long, but she could repeat back any song someone sang to her, perfect pitch and all.

"Hey," a cup of green tea was thrust into Kagome's face. "You look like you need this."

Kagome blinked up at Hana's quiet face, smiled and took the tea. "Thanks."

"No problem. So..." Hana pulled up a chair next to Kagome and pushed her glasses up on her nose. She had a faint food stain on the hem of her floral print scrubs. "what's this I hear about Sesshou needing a valve?"

"Look at his record, it's all there." Kagome pointed at the computer with her pen and resumed scrawling on Ken's chart.

The other chair squeaked as Hana accessed the computer. She read everything quickly, made a slurping noise with her lips and turned around. "Such a shame. He always gets on the treadmill and just walks for hours. You'd think he's trying to wander somewhere. Hey, what's he like when you two are alone? He's so distant here that I know nothing on his personality...well except that he's stubborn and persistent until he gets his way."

"That's about what he's like at home too. He has a lot of past pain, so much that I haven't gotten to the bottom of it all yet." Kagome said, sipping her tea. "Don't tell him I told you this...but every full moon, he sheds tears. Any time he hears the sounds of whips or chains on TV or gets closed in, he has panic attacks. Doctor B wanted to do an MRI before the echo, but as soon as Sesshou slid into the tube...his heart rate jumped so high we had to bring him out or risk another synocope. He was sweating and shaking. We had to cancel the MRI and just do the echo. It sucks when he has these attacks, because afterward he just goes back to whatever he was doing like nothing happened and won't talk to me about what goes on in his head."

"I see...that...that's rough." Hana leaned forward, her face very serious, "Does he do this crying thing ritualistically?"

"Yeah. He just finds me wherever I am in the house, puts his head in my lap and cries quietly. He won't let me touch him other than to pet his hair or, in the case of Sunday night, his cheeks. If I try to hug him he pushes me away." Kagome stared down at the greenish liquid in her teacup. Her ghostly reflection gazed back in silence.

"A long time ago, two people close to him died when the moon was full...maybe more if his parents died under one too. And he doesn't even have to see the moon to know it's full either, so I can't just close the ceiling blinds to conceal it. I think...I think his mind just blew up after Inu- after his little brother died, and the slow buildup of mental trauma is what put him into a coma for so long." She sipped her tea again. "He's so strong, yet at the same time...so fragile."

Hana continued to listen with utmost attention. "Does he have nightmares?"

Kagome nodded, easily recalling how on some nights Sesshoumaru moaned and thrashed in his sleep. He suffered night terrors where he'd huddle up in a corner with his pelt, growling and snapping at her if she came too close. Sleepwalking was more common than the night terrors. When he sleepwalked she just let him wander, only stopping him if he put himself in danger. All it took to draw him back to his bed was the scent of his feeding formula. Probably a primitive memory of mommy's milk. She learned not to let his mouth anywhere near her skin. If she fed him in his sleep, he tried to latch onto anything that came near his mouth. He didn't suckle, he just grabbed on, and once he got his lips around her throat and left her with a huge hickey. After the feedings ended he just fell limp into his bed.

Sesshoumaru never remembered his actions in the morning. Kagome felt it best not to tell him. He hadn't had any sleep incidents recently, not since his feeding tube came out. She recounted this information to Hana, leaving out the obvious details like crawling and any other canine behaviors.

The other nurse was quiet for a long time. Her narrow brown eyes stayed far away until Kagome stopped speaking. Then she snapped back to the present. "My uncle was like that after Desert Storm...his platoon got blown up and he survived with only a few bruises. Kagome, it sounds like Sesshou might be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder."

Kagome almost choked on her tea. "I thought people with that were crazy all the time."

"No," Hana shook her head, "That's a myth. They're fine until they come across a trigger. Like my uncle, for example...when he hears fireworks going off, he panics and tells people to hit the dirt. Sometimes he says he still sees explosions through the corners of his eyes whenever it's dark. Hm. What was Sesshou like before this, or do you know?"

"He was...pretty stoic. You'd think he didn't have any emotions at all. So...coldhearted...a lot of the time. Nothing phased him."

The nurse with glasses nodded slowly. "Sounds like PTSD to me. The best thing you can do is keep him away from his triggers and keep doing what you do at the full moon. If it gets bad he may need meds to control the hallucinations."

Kagome sighed heavily, draining her glass. "I'm not giving up on him. Is he still in the therapy room?"

"He wasn't there when I checked. Maybe he's in the cafeteria...or maybe the bathroom." Hana shrugged and glanced at her watch, "well, my break's over. I'll check on Ken for you, okay?"

"Thanks!" Kagome raised a hand to wave. "See ya later."

Hana waved and rushed off, her arms full of charts.

Kagome unfurled from her seat, stretched and walked to the cafeteria. No Sesshoumaru. She called into the men's restroom. Still no Sesshoumaru. He wasn't in the therapy room either. Then Kagome remembered Tetsura's room and headed down that way. The halls were busy and she had to walk half the distance behind a slow-moving custodian pushing a mop cart. But, finally, she arrived at the correct door.

Sesshoumaru sat beside Tetsura's bed, his eyes staring straight ahead with an expressionless face. Tetsura was completely covered by a white sheet. The demon held her wrinkled hand, which was the only exposed part of her body. Her fingers were blue against his white skin.

"Oh, my God, Sesshoumaru? When did she die?"

He didn't move. "Not long ago. We spoke for awhile. I told her who and what I am, and she wasn't afraid." His eyes lowered to the hand he still held. "Then she fell asleep, and her chest rattled until her breath stopped."

"Are you okay?" asked Kagome, her legs carrying her to his side.

A nod.

"Her home smelled like cedar. She kept me in a bed lined in cotton and sat beside it, holding my hand just like this. Sometimes, when I had faint awareness, I even heard her reading me haiku poetry." Sesshoumaru guided Tetsura's hand under the sheet. He kept talking, his voice completely devoid of emotion. "Her hands...they were always gentle. Like my mother's. Like yours." Then he snorted, chuckling softly to himself.

Kagome blinked at him. "And what are you laughing at?"

He shook his head, "Your human lives are so fleeting, yet you squander your time with concerns about money, work, the distant future and a dozen other things that do not need your concern right this moment. You never live in the _now_. You never have time for silence."

She sighed. This wasn't the first time he gave her this lecture. "Sessh- "

"She left this paper behind." Sesshoumaru handed her a bank statement from the account set aside for his stay at the home. The amount had tripled, having received regular monthly deposits from Tetsura's Social Security plan. Attached was a note with all the information to transfer the account into Sesshoumaru's name. Even if his surgery drained it completely, the payments would build back up until his health returned to normal.

"This is - "

"Just sit near me and listen."

Kagome sat down without further question, her eyes never leaving Sesshoumaru's passive face.

He took a deep breath and sighed, puffing his cheeks. "If my life doesn't improve after this surgery - "

"Sesshoumaru," Kagome's brow drew up in a frown.

"Woman, be silent and _listen_."

She closed her mouth over the heat in her throat.

"The heart surgery may kill me. Something unforeseen afterward may kill me. I am no fool and even I cannot stave off the inevitable forever. In the event of my death, and in the event Tenseiga fails, I wish to be cremated and my ashes scattered around the Bone Eater's Well." He held a hand up to stop her when she moved to touch him. His voice quieted, "One day, this will be you under the sheet."

A lump formed in her throat. "But not today."

"No," he whispered, "not today."

That evening, shortly after Kagome settled down in her bed, a shape appeared in her room.

"It's cold tonight." Sesshoumaru's voice drifted over the darkness.

It wasn't that cold...but Kagome smiled and lifted the sheets for him. She felt the length of his body slide under the covers next to her.

Once he settled, she scooted over and whispered in his ear. "There's nothing wrong with mourning Tetsura's passing. She was good to you."

Sesshoumaru's eyes were shimmers in the darkness when he glanced at her. Then he promptly turned over so his back faced her and went right to sleep. Kagome lay awake much longer, listening to him breathe.

o0o

__

"I'll be back." said the deep voice on the television. A yellow Kanji subtitle translated the words across the bottom of the screen.

Kagome offered the popcorn bowl to Sesshoumaru, but he declined.

"I notice this...Terminator robot...is much like you. He time-traveled to save the past."

She snorted, "But he's about as emotional as you are most of the time. Which is zero."

"Mm, pity for him." Sesshoumaru leaned back on his elbow. His eyes reflected onscreen images of people shooting each other and getting killed. "No matter what era people live in, there will always be wars."

"Yeah...sad truth." Kagome chewed up another handful of popcorn. "Always have to disagree on something."

"Maybe we - "

The telephone rang, cutting him off.

"Hm. I will answer this." Sesshoumaru pushed himself up from his comfortable position on the floor. Weeks ago he'd been taught how to answer, dial and hang up the phone, which made life a lot easier when Kagome needed to reach him while away from home. And that was when she discovered his voice sounded irresistibly _sexy_ over the phone. It took all her self control not to call just so she could hear his words purr over the airwaves.

Oddly, he didn't look horribly out of place when he used the phone.

He lifted the cordless off its cradle and held it to his ear. The gray antenna stuck out from under his hair. "Yes?" A pause. "She is present...ah, very well." Then he turned and held the phone out to her. "It is doctor Bessho, regarding my surgery."

"Oh!" Kagome scrambled up to grab the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Kagome!" Doctor B's voice came brightly over the line, "He's been approved. I have an opening on Saturday morning at eight. How's that sound to you? Is that enough time for him to get his affairs in order?"

"They're already in order" Relief washed over her. She was beginning to think they'd disapprove the whole thing and just give him pills. "Saturday morning at eight..." she repeated so Sesshoumaru could hear it. When he nodded, the deal was sealed. It was short notice, today was Thursday, but she knew he didn't want to wait. "It's a date."

Doctor B laughed, "Okay then. I'll be the sexy guy in scrubs."

"Tch, sure, scrubs will be sexy when potato sacks become fashionable."

"Kagome, you're killing me!" More laughter from Doctor B's end. "Hey, get this - he doesn't even have to stay overnight, ain't he lucky? Just bring him Saturday morning at around five or so and I'll put a rush on his pre-ops."

Kagome brightened. "Really? Oh, that's great! I'll make sure he's there."

"See you there. Gotta run now. Buh-bye."

"Bye," said Kagome. She hung up and grinned over at Sesshoumaru. "Finally."

He handed her the popcorn bowl. "Yes...I know."

Both settled down to watch the rest of _Terminator II: Judgment Day_.

o0o

"No come?" Ken's sleepy voice barely reached from his bed to Kagome's ears.

"I can't risk getting any germs on me." Kagome answered softly, trying to smile and reassure him it wasn't something he did. "Sesshou is going to have an operation. He wants me to be with him. But if I have germs on me, they might get into him and that's bad."

He turned over and his messy hair flopped over his large, brownish-black eye. "Like germies in my t'woat?"

"Mmhmm. I don't think he wants germies on his heart now, does he?"

"Icky!"

"Yeah, icky."

"Hey, Kags." Akemi slid past to bring Ken a lemon popsicle, which helped soothe his sore throat. She'd gone blonde this time, a sandy ponytail swinging behind her shoulders.

"Hey." Kagome waved to Ken, "Bye, bye, Ken!"

The youth in the bed waved back with a sleepy smile and shoved the popsicle into his mouth.

Kagome backed out of the door and wound up stepping right onto doctor Yakamoto...er...Kanrau's foot. He gasped loudly. She startled at the presence of another body and whirled around. "Oh! I'm sorry! Excuse me. Did I hurt you?"

Kanrau shook his foot a little to get the feeling back. "Pardon me, and no. Just shocked me is all." He smiled thinly and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Hey, good thing we ran into each other...I'm on break and was heading down for lunch. Wanna come?"

"Sure, I have a little bit."

"C'mon." He slid his updated charts into their outbox, but frowned when he gave one on top a last look. "Advanced decerebration after a severe MVA. Sucks...the family was pulling so hard for Kimi."

"Oh? New patient?"

"Yeah." He made a face. "But she's a donor, so somebody might benefit."

Five minutes later they sat across from each other in the cafeteria. Kagome with a small selection of sushi and Kanrau nibbling fresh ramen.

Kagome watched him eat for a moment and mentally shook her head. It used to be she dreamed of watching him slurp things between his lips. Things other than food. And then Sesshoumaru popped back into her life. Him and his...his perfect face. Now every other person she saw seemed so mundane compared to him. Even doctor Kanrau Yakamoto.

But she gave him credit. He was pretty handsome with those long bangs and haunting dark eyes.

"I heard Sesshou's going under the knife tomorrow," Kanrau said casually over his chopsticks.

Kagome snapped out of her reverie. "Yeah. And I'm glad, he's teetering on the line of heart failure."

"I know. It's pretty rough," he sipped his tea, gazing across the table. "There's something going on between you two."

Ice shot through her bloodstream. "What makes you say that?"

He leaned back in his seat. "Random observation."

"I just care a lot about him...I've put so much of my time into his care. He doesn't have anybody or anywhere else to go."

"And what are you going to do with him after he's recovered from his surgery?"

She shrugged one shoulder, guided some rice into her mouth and chewed slowly. Manners ingrained into her head at an early age wouldn't let her speak until she swallowed. It also gave her time to ponder her answer. Honestly, she hadn't thought that far ahead.

"I'll probably help him find his own place...or if he wants to, get him signed up to a university so he can catch up on his education. Whatever he wants. He doesn't want to discuss that until after all this is done. If he makes it through his, he'll have a long life ahead of him."

Kanrau's dark head nodded once. He took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers. Kagome noticed he had long eyelashes just like...

__

Gah, I'm going to compare every man I see to Sesshoumaru.

Yet something about his face seemed familiar.

"I know what Sesshou is, Kagome."

The ice in her blood froze deeper. "W-what do you mean?"

"I'm not an idiot. I used to read a lot of mythology in college. I'm sure he's told you that all myths are based on at least a little piece of truth." Kanrau rubbed at his glasses with a tissue. "I looked closer at that Edo era scroll in the hall. The figure in the window has the same facial markings as Sesshou."

Kagome's heart thudded in her ears. She wanted to get up and run, but her body was frozen to the seat.

"I've also read into ancient history, and in the late sixteen hundreds, a family in India took in what they thought was Shiva. They described him as having fair skin, fair hair and a moon on his brow." His dark eyes fixed steadily on hers. "There are even rumors that Ichikawa Danjuro, a man well known in kabuki, began applying kumadori makeup after seeing Sesshou's striped face. I didn't believe it until I saw an old, little-known woodblock print showing that play. There's no mistaking him."

Tears pricked in her eyes. Panic seized her throat so tight she couldn't form words. Her chopsticks knocked together like the wooden feet of Death.

Finally, she found her voice. "A-are you going to - "

"No...I won't tell anyone. I was going to at first, but then he caught me in the hall and just looked at me...and I realized that even though he's sick, he can easily kill me and any other person he feels the need to destroy." Looking down at his ramen, Kanrau smiled, which made him seem all the more handsome. "And that's why I took the liberty of labeling all medical records before the seventies as 'destroyed in a fire'. Some things are best left alone, you know?"

She nodded, numb. "How long have you known?"

"I knew all along."

"Then why those weird questions the last time we discussed him?"

"I wanted to see if you knew or not. Your reaction was a dead giveaway."

Another nod devoid of sensation. "He..." telling him everything was too risky. "He told me shortly after he started talking again."

"I see." Kanrau bought it, much to her relief. "Well, with what I know now, I can tell you getting him this valve is the right idea. He was very, very, very close to death when the construction crew found him. One more day, maybe two, and they would've uncovered a corpse." Kanrau finished off his ramen, set his chopsticks down and replaced his glasses. "Anyhow...he may have trouble coming out of the anesthesia...just like some dogs. It's possible he won't wake up at all."

"I don't like to think about him dying." Kagome lost her appetite. She pushed her bowl aside. "Sorry..."

"It's fine, and I know what it's like to keep that kind of secret. Think about it...we read about history, but Sesshou _lived_ some of it. He'd make an amazing historian or history teacher." Kanrau shrugged to himself, looking at her from across the table, "My earliest ancestor was part demon. Some freak deal where he gave up his humanity over a jewel. He got a prostitute pregnant before he ran off. The parchment was really old and under glass, so I couldn't read it all. He sounded nasty."

__

Oh, my God...

It took forever for her to remember how to talk. "Do you know who exactly he was?"

"Yeah. He called himself Onigumo until he mutated himself. Then he turned into Naraku."

Kagome's heart froze, and only a hard swallow past her tightened throat unlocked it. "Ew. The name gives me the creeps."

"Me, too." Kanrau said. "I don't think I could ever give up my humanity for anything." He smiled quickly, downing the last of his tea. "He almost sounds like a villain you'd see on one of those anime shows they have on every Sunday."

"Heh, yeah, maybe." She tilted her head slowly to one side, eyeing him. "You know, as long as I've known you, I don't think I've ever seen you with your hair in anything other than a bun."

"Girls always want to see it down, don't they?" He looked amused.

"Can you blame them? Come on, let's see if it's as long as Sesshou's."

Laughing, Kanrau undid the single pin holding his bun in place. His hair fell down in a cascade of inky black waves that ended just past his elbows. It was probably longer, but a rubber band still contained it in a ponytail.

He was Naraku's twin, minus the pale blue eyelids. His brown eyes searched Kagome's face. "Not _quite_ as long as Sesshou's."

Kagome didn't know why, but she smiled. If Akemi or Hana saw that, she was sure they would've dropped their food trays. And if Sesshoumaru saw it...well she didn't want to imagine that. "Ever consider straighteners?"

"Nah, that's for women." Kanrau smiled again. He began bundling his rebellious locks back into a bun. "You know, it's funny, the stories claimed this priestess named Kikyo was reborn and her reincarnation traveled into the past to fight Naraku. Have you ever wondered what kind of girl would do that?"

"Dunno," Heat crawled into Kagome's cheeks. She smiled down into her rice bowl, "Whoever she is, she's still out there, remembering."

He shrugged, "Guess you're right. Sounds like it'd make a great manga or anime series, doesn't it? Heh, heh." Then he noticed the time. "Well, break's over. I have to give Vicki her med-check."

"Oh, geez, better wear armor. You know how bad her legs kick when you test her reflexes." _But I bet Vicki feels lucky, I don't know a single woman in this home that doesn't have a crush on you. Well, not counting me_...

The doctor made a face like someone kicked him in a painful place. Then he laughed and stood up. "I hope Sesshou's surgery goes well."

"Me, too. Will you do his follow-up?"

He winked. "Sure."

Kagome felt safer, somehow. Watching him go, she found herself famished and devoured her food. Only after Kanrau was long gone did she realize she forgot to ask him if he told Sesshoumaru about this or not.

o0o

"Now don't forget, you have to wash with one of these sponges once before going to bed, then again in the morning when you get up. And you have to skip your late night snack because you're not supposed to eat anything after midnight." Kagome leaned over the supplies she had laid out on the living room floor. "Let's see, I have your lotion, a robe to wear, slippers and socks, a few history books to keep you busy and your - "

"Kagome."

" - extra shampoo." she blinked, "huh?"

"Slow down. None of this is even taking place for another - " Sesshoumaru glanced at the clock above the TV, " - thirteen hours."

Kagome looked down at herself, at the floor and the open suitcase lying nearby. The insanity of her rushing around finally caught up and she burst out laughing at herself. Here it was several hours before Sesshoumaru had to even think about getting ready and she was running around like a panicked chicken without a head.

"Sorry," she giggled, "I guess I'm getting way ahead of myself aren't I?"

Sesshoumaru looked amused, "But thank you for aiding in my preparation." He glanced at the skylight, stood up and promptly headed around the divider wall. Kagome scrambled up to find him leaning over the metal railing of the balcony, his hair flailing in the wind like angel wings. At his left, attached to the railing, the pole connecting her clothesline to the eves of the roof stuck up and glistened in the sunset. When he saw her behind him, he beckoned her forward.

"What?"

The demon wrapped his arm around her waist and leapt straight up onto the roof. Kagome found herself staring into a smoggy red sunset.

"Pretend you have no tomorrow." said Sesshoumaru. "What would you do?"

"See the world."

"No, you can't do that. It requires planning and time. You literally will cease to exist tomorrow. Now...what would you do?"

Kagome hugged herself, stared down at her feet and sighed. Sometimes she hated it when he played these games with her. "I don't know...watch the sunset with you?"

His hand came to rest on her shoulder, making her jump slightly. "A wise choice."

The wind blew his hair around her. It wicked across her bare arms and hands. She reached back to twine her arm around his waist, pulling herself close. Doing so meant his arm had no place to go except around her shoulders. She let her head rest against his collarbone, looking up to watch the colors of the sunset play in his amber eyes.

"Sesshoumaru?"

He met her eyes and twitched an eyebrow.

"Are you scared?"

"I am always scared, Kagome," he replied.

Of all the confusing answers he could've given, he had to give that one.

She hedged, "What are you afraid of?"

"Being forgotten." His golden gaze returned to the deepening red. Ruby points ignited in his pupils, which were slightly dilated in the low light. "Immortality isn't about living forever. It is what you do with the time you have and how you're remembered. To be forgotten is to truly die." He sighed, "If I do not survive this...please remember me."

"I promise..." Kagome met his eyes, "I promise I won't forget you, Sesshoumaru. Just like I never forgot them...and Inuyasha."

"He will never die in your memory, Kagome."

__

But he will in yours because you saw him go...

She looked up to find his eyes lowered. He grunted, shaking his head. "The years have made me pathetically emotional."

The way he said that sounded so puffed up, pompous and arrogant that they both chuckled out loud.

"You - "

"Shhh," he squeezed her shoulder, "no more words."

Kagome nodded and fixed her eyes on the swollen sun. It slowly became a dying ember fading under the smoggy horizon. She nestled herself closer to Sesshoumaru's chest, listening to his heartbeat. Cacophony from the city below drowned out his murmur. His heart sounded normal. She prayed it wouldn't be the last time she heard its double thump.

__

I won't forget you... she watched the wind blow his bangs across his moon tattoo, ..._because I...I love you, Sesshoumaru. I really do_.

Sesshoumaru gave her shoulder another squeeze and met her eyes. The wind stilled, as if it had given up trying to steal his hair off his scalp. Behind his head glowed a crescent moon exactly like the one on his brow. Few stars joined it. Light pollution from the city allowed little to twinkle in the sky. That was the one thing Kagome missed most about the Feudal Era...the night skies full of stars so dense she thought she could scoop a handful with one sweep of her arm.

"Do you miss the stars?"

He inclined his head to look up. "No, because I do not have human eyes. I still see them plain as I did before."

She'd forgotten about that. "Are they beautiful?"

"Yes."

A smile bloomed on her pink lips. "I need to go to bed if I'm gonna be decent by the time we have to go. When you wash with that sponge, you can only take a shower. No baths. I'll give you a shampoo when you shower again in the morning. Then I'll put your hair in a topknot braid like before...it'll be easier to deal with that way."

"Very well. I will not be sleeping tonight, but I will wake you at...four o'clock, you said earlier?"

"Right, yeah. Why aren't you going to sleep tonight?"

"I wish to embrace the silence for a little while longer. Just..." his lips quirked up at one corner, "just in case."

Kagome squeezed his shoulder lightly. "If you need anything, wake me up."

"That won't be necessary," Sesshoumaru said in his usual monotone. He returned her to the balcony and refocused his attention on the heavens, his silent way of dismissing her to do as she pleased.

She glanced back to memorize how ethereal he looked against the sky. Him with his porcelain skin, mercury hair and gilded eyes that saw into eternity. No mortal man could ever compare to the being perched on her balcony.

He stayed there for ages. She curled up in bed and watched him stare upwards until sleep dragged her away. Just before dreams took over, she thought she heard the shower start up.

It felt as if she just went to dreamland when a hand shook her awake. Groggy, thickheaded and sticky-eyed, Kagome staggered to start a shower for Sesshoumaru and got out the shampoo. The shocking blast of cold water chased away all remains of sleep.

"Make the best of this, it may be a while before you can take a full bath or shower again."

He scowled. "Can you not bathe all areas not affected by the stitches?"

"Nope, the stitches can't get wet. You're going to have them in your groin area and under your arm. Makes bathing kinda impossible. I can still wash your hair, though, if you need it."

"Mm, very well." Sesshoumaru stepped into the shower and knelt to let Kagome wash his hair. He could easily wash his own hair, but Kagome had learned he preferred to let her do it. And today, she felt it better for his mental state if she went along with it. After she washed and conditioned his hair, he scrubbed his upper body with the disinfectant-scented sponge, wrinkling his nose at its odor.

Twenty minutes later found Sesshoumaru lying on his bed while Kagome worked his damp hair into a topknot braid. She thought the way the tail of the braid brushed his rear end looked amazingly sexy.

"Okay, all set. Did you pack?"

He patted the suitcase with his foot. "You worry too much. I didn't forget anything."

"Good," Kagome ran off to throw on a plain T-shirt and jeans. "Then let's go, you need to get checked in and have one more physical, and that may take forever if we're late."

"I don't know why you're so nervous. I am the one undergoing this surgery."

She stared at him. "Good point..."

o0o

Kagome didn't know what the doctors gave to Sesshoumaru while she was off eating breakfast in the cafeteria, but it knocked him down into the next millennium. She found him dead to the world on a gurney just outside the X-ray lab. They left him sitting up at a forty-five degree angle, which made his head fall backwards against the pillow. As a result his jaw relaxed and his soft palate flapped in his throat, thus causing him to snore like a pair of lumberjacks sawing logs. The creepy part of it all was his eyes weren't shut tight. She could see his gold irises glittering unnaturally between his long eyelashes.

He was dressed in a white hospital gown with snaps on the sides. Someone must have put that on him after he fell asleep. The short-sleeved smock looked unnatural on him. She'd become so used to seeing him wearing long sleeves or no shirt at all that it felt strange and wrong on him. A red ID bracelet partially hid the stripes marking his wrist. Light played off the coiled braid peeking out from under his pillow.

Interestingly enough, despite his being a demon, a type and cross-match revealed he had O-negative blood. That in itself was a relief because it meant he could handle a blood transfusion if such was necessary during the procedure. He hadn't been too pleased at the prospect of human blood running through his veins, but she reassured him that it wouldn't affect his being a demon at all.

Doctor B popped in to tell her his pre-op exams went well. "They gave him something to help him sleep so he'd be in decent condition for surgery."

"I can tell," said Kagome. "I don't think he's ever snored like this."

"Oh, you should've seen him when they gave him the stuff." Doctor B put on a mock haughty face, "he was all 'I don't feel anything.' The nurse looked down at him and told him to just wait a minute. Sesshou just kind of frowned at her and rattled on with, 'I still don't feel -'" then Doctor B slumped his head sideways and pretended to snore. "He was out in two seconds once it hit his system."

Kagome covered her mouth and giggled, "That sounds like him."

"Sure does, he's something else. You should've seen the techs doing the CBC. They flipped over his T-cell count, which was a little high...so let's hope he never needs an organ transplant. He'd reject a new organ in a week flat. I'm surprised he can handle O-neg. I'm a little worried he might have trouble with the new valve, and I might have to give him anti-rejection meds if his body decides to be a rebel." He made a face and glanced at the chart in his hand. As usual, he could focus like a laser during surgery, but everywhere else his mind was Don Quixote getting on his horse and trying to ride off in four directions at once. "What else was I gonna tell...ah! I'll be testing his blood every so often after the surgery. He seems to have a lot of platelet activity. It's only at five hundred thousand - that's not high enough to point at thrombocytosis, but I want to watch him anyway and make sure nothing tries to muck up the new valve."

"Right, gotcha." Kagome nodded, relaxing to lean on Sesshoumaru's gurney. "Glad you're so thorough. Hopefully we won't have to worry about anything once this valve is in."

Doctor B stuck his pencil behind his ear. "I feel you there. You can go on ahead and take him to room three. They've got a space all ready for him." He checked his watch, "Won't be too much longer, so I better go meditate. You scrubbing in for the start of this?"

"Yeah."

"Cool!" Doctor B grinned up at her, "Ya can't miss me, I'll be the short, handsome guy with a scalpel."

"Get lost, flirt," she teased back, watching with a laugh as he hurried down the hall with Sesshoumaru's chart under his arm.

Sesshoumaru still looked pretty good, though. Even with his head slumped to the side and his mouth hanging open. Once in awhile he'd stop snoring, shift slightly on the gurney and go right back to it without missing a beat. He had an IV port in his wrist and another taped to the crook of his left arm.

The absurdity that he could physically snore that loud made Kagome giggle. She moved to the foot of the gurney and started wheeling him down the hall. He stopped sawing logs immediately. His eyes drifted open.

"Mm? Is it time?"

"Not yet, I'm just moving you into a room." Kagome patted his foot. "You look stoned."

"There aren't any stones here," Sesshoumaru drawled. He almost sounded drunk.

She snickered, "It's slang...for drugged."

"Oh..." he shifted on the mattress, his motions heavy. "well...in that case...yes I am quite stoned."

She turned the corner, eased him into the room and rolled him gently up next to the pale blue wall. He squinted in the sunlight coming through the window, but she adjusted the blinds so the sun wasn't right in his face.

"Actually, you're beyond stoned." Kagome reached down to put order into his mussed bangs. "You're doped up into the next century."

"You have not seen me drugged until you have seen me smoke opium."

"You smoked a bong?"

"Yes."

"You probably saw pink elephants and - "

"The moon talked to me." Sesshoumaru replied. "I howled at it to be silent."

Then he grinned sleepily at her. Seeing him really, truly, fully smile like that looked so strange on him. His face literally lost ten years. It might have been sweet if he didn't have fangs.

__

I don't believe it. The great Lord Sesshoumaru has...dimples!

"Opium's illegal now. And you're cute." She tapped his nose. "I can say this because, as stoned as you are, you won't remember this conversation in a week."

"Tch, don't insult me...I...mmh."

"Shh, I'm just teasing. It's okay. Oh!" Kagome lifted up the plastic bag slung around her wrist. "I found something in the gift shop that reminded me of you."

One of Sesshoumaru's eyes popped open again. "Gift shop?"

Smiling, Kagome pulled out a stuffed white dog carrying a heart in its mouth. The heart was embroidered with the words "GET WELL SOON". For effect, she found a blue moon sticker and stuck it to the toy dog's forehead. "Mmhmm. Just a little place to buy something to make a sick person smile. Especially kids."

She handed him the stuffed animal.

Sesshoumaru blinked sleepily and reached out to touch its head. He eyed the moon, quirked a brow and finally sneered. "It looks nothing like my true form."

"I don't think anybody would want to buy a toy dog with red eyes and miasma gushing from its mouth."

"No," he placed the stuffed dog next to the pillow and pulled his bedsheet up, covering his left side a bit more, "I suppose not. But...it did do its intended job, I am effectively amused."

"You're welcome."

An amused smirk curled Sesshoumaru's small lips. His eyelids drooped shut, long eyelashes fluttering over his pale skin. In a moment he breathed in the rhythm of sleep. It wasn't long before his mouth fell open and his snoring resumed. Kagome lowered the bed a little so his head didn't have to fall back as far. His snores quieted to soft purring noises.

__

Weirdness...must be a man thing, she thought to herself. Reaching down, she cupped his warm cheek in her palm and pressed her lips to his brow.

No less than thirty minutes later, a circulating nurse appeared in the room with a razor and shaving cream. "I need to shave his groin."

Kagome turned to her, "I can do that."

"Sure." The nurse left the items on a tray by the bed and rushed out.

Pulling the curtain around, Kagome lowered the sheet and lifted Sesshoumaru's gown. His fluffy silver fuzz gleamed a little in the sunlight.

Sesshoumaru never moved. He slept on while she applied the cream and passed the razor gently over his skin. She didn't know which side he'd get a central line attached to, so she shaved them both. In a few moments the junctions where his legs joined his body were cleared of all hair. She dried her hands on a towel and lowered the gown, covering him to the chin with the sheet.

o0o

The operating room was white and silver with a green floor. Various monitoring instruments were set up on either side of the surgical table. A heart-lung machine, a sonogram, EKG screens, IV stands, bags of NS, the ventilator and many more remained hidden from view. A silver tray held gleaming instruments like scalpels, hemostats, forceps, suture needles, needle holders and suction tubing.

Kagome, now sporting green scrubs and a surgical cap with the mask hanging loose around her neck, gently eased Sesshoumaru's gurney up to the operating table. "Just scoot on over."

Sesshoumaru worked his way over onto the padded surface. The mat wrinkled under his weight. He nodded to Kagome when he was secure and she handed the gurney off to another orderly. By the time she got back the elderly circulating nurse, her nametag said Asuka, hooked him up to the heart monitor and spread out a white blanket that kept him warm. He looked a little weird with all his hair bundled up under a blue surgical cap.

Somebody's voice drifted by the door, "...I'll start the central line once he's out."

Sesshoumaru blinked, his eyes drifting to the instruments beside the table. The demon was calm all last night and upon arrival to the hospital. But here, where he could actually see the gleaming instruments, the menacing machines and bright lights, the beeps on his heart monitor picked up speed. He closed his eyes and let out his breath.

__

Poor guy...he's terrified, even if he won't admit it.

"Hey," Kagome squeezed his arm through the blanket, "it's going to be fine. Doctor B is real good at what he does."

"It isn't that." Sesshoumaru laid his head back on the egg-crate pillow provided. "I merely worry that the sleeping potion will not place me in a deep enough sleep to be completely numb. If I were to move with a cutting tool near my heart..."

"Oh, trust me, it'll knock you out further than the other stuff you had earlier. To you, it'll seem like you just closed your eyes when you'll find yourself waking up again. It's us who need to do all the worrying now."

Sesshoumaru pulled his arm out from under the blanket and clasped her hand. Right when he did that, the anesthesiologist hooked an IV to the port taped to his wrist. He looked up at Kagome, then at the yellow fluid. "Is this it?"

"Yeah," Kagome squeezed his hand. "They're gonna put a mask over your face...that'll be the gas. I want you to take deep breaths of it, okay?"

A nod.

The petite anesthesiologist lowered the black rubber mask over Sesshoumaru's nose and mouth. Sesshoumaru nodded to him, which prompted the anesthesiologist to activate the IV pump.

Kagome heard the hiss of the gas. She watched Sesshoumaru breathe deeply just like she told him to. His eyes never left hers.

She smiled at him, "Now count backwards from one hundred...and I'll see you when you wake up."

"One hundred," the mask muffled his low voice, "ninety nine, ninety eight, ninety seven..." his eyelids fluttered and drifted shut, "ninety...ssssix... ninety...ninety... damn." He coughed a soft laugh, "I feel...so...stoned..."

Then his face relaxed behind the mask. He was out.

o0o END OF CHAPTER o0o

-Glossary-

CBC - A complete blood count (CBC), also known as full blood count (FBC) or full blood exam (FBE) or blood panel, is a test requested by a doctor or other medical professional that gives information about the cells in a patient's blood.

Central line - a catheter hooked into a large vein in the neck (internal jugular vein), chest (subclavian vein) or groin (femoral vein) for purposes of internal measurements and to deliver medicine swiftly to the body.

Decerebration - Progressive loss of cerebral function; advanced decerebration (and the resultant deep unconsciousness) occurs with severe damage to the cerebrum, the largest part of the brain.

Forceps - a handheld, hinged instrument used for grasping and holding objects. Forceps are used when fingers are too large to grasp small objects or when many objects need to be held at one time while the hands are used to perform a task. The term forceps is used almost exclusively within the medical field. Outside medicine, people usually refer to forceps as tweezers, tongs, pliers, clips or clamps.

Heart-lung machine, or "pump" - a machine that consists of a pump, which functions as the heart, and an oxygenator, which replaces the function of the lungs. During a heart-lung bypass, oxygen-poor blood is first diverted from the upper chambers of the heart and is directed to a reservoir in the heart-lung machine. The blood is then transferred to the oxygenator, which infuses the blood with oxygen. Then a pump returns the blood to the patient's arterial system, where the body can resume blood circulation on its own. Following repair of the heart, the heart is restarted and the heart-lung machine is removed.

Hemostat - a vital surgical tool used in almost any surgical procedure, usually to control bleeding.

MVA - motor vehicle accident.

NS - Normal saline, a sterile solution of 0.9% sodium chloride (salt) in water.

Synocope - fainting.

T-cells - T cells or T lymphocytes belong to a group of white blood cells known as lymphocytes, and play a central role in the immune system.

Thrombocytosis - is the presence of high platelet counts in the blood. Although often symptomless (particularly when it is a secondary reaction), it can predispose to blood clots in some patients.


	12. When a Miko Holds a Demon Heart

Warning: MAJOR medical gore in this chapter.

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 12  
When a Miko Holds a Demon's Heart

o0o

"Took him long enough." the anesthesiologist shook his head. He pinched Sesshoumaru's cheek a few times to make sure he was completely insensate. There was no response. "He's out. Higurashi, scrub in. Asuka, could you get his central lines going? Akihiko, prep the incision sites."

"Right."

Kagome joined Doctor B at the sink, sneering at the chemical smell of the soap. She made sure to scrub under her nails and above her wrist. The cold water didn't offer any comfort.

"It'll be fine," Doctor B smiled. He seemed a lot calmer than he was earlier. Meditation really seemed to focus him for surgery. "I haven't lost a patient yet."

Soft chords of zen music filtered over the hissing sink. Off to the side, a cute, young trainee hovered by the portable stereo.

"That's good to know." She could imagine them repositioning Sesshoumaru on the table. He'd be on his right side, upper body twisted at a ninety degree angle with his hips a little flatter and his arm wrapped up over his head, egg-crate and straps properly placed to protect his pressure points. Not a common way to do the procedure, but Doctor B's slightly less invasive surgical technique always had amazing results.

"Take your time. I won't start the actual procedure until you get out there, but he'll be open and ready for the pump. Saeko, you can turn off the CD. Thanks so much for letting me borrow it." He ran his hands under the water to rinse and, holding them up so he wouldn't touch anything, used his hip to open the door. An assistant held a gown open for him, put his gloves on, attached his magnifying goggles and tied his mask in place over his face.

"Any time, Doctor B!" The assistant known as Saeko waved when Doctor B passed her. She left shortly afterward, smiling.

In the other room, Doctor B's voice filtered through as they went over Sesshoumaru's name and reason for being there, a final, customary precaution to prevent any mistakes.

Kagome focused on scrubbing her fingers one more time. Her technique for ensuring she spent thirty seconds or more scrubbing was to sing the "Happy Birthday" song in her head three times in a row. Today, she sang it a fourth time to be sure. She honestly didn't want to see it when his scalpel drew a bloody line across Sesshoumaru's right side. She didn't want to see it when they wrenched his ribs open and collapsed his lung to expose his heart. She didn't want to see the white tubing being pushed into his skin as central lines.

Still, she glanced out the window. Sesshoumaru was covered with a blue drape that exposed the iodine-doused surgical site, which shone brownish-orange under the bright lights. Doctor B clapped his hands together as if in prayer, bowed once and made the first incision, blood following the path of his scalpel. Sesshoumaru's aura welled up from the wound like spiritual blood. She finished scrubbing. _I'll have to see it anyway...maybe if I keep my head down until they collapse his lung_...

The rib spreaders clanked. Sesshoumaru's ribs groaned in protest like old wood.

Doctor B spoke, "DLT in place, Hiko?"

"Check."

"Good, vent the right lung till I say otherwise."

"We have airflow."

"Beautiful. Central lines in?"

"He has one subclavian and a backup femoral. Just how you like it, doc."

"I love this guy!"

"Hey, Asuka has the nice hands for it."

"Then, Asuka, you're a sweetheart."

"Thank you."

Kagome bit her lip and pushed through the door. An assistant dressed her accordingly, the gloves slimy against her wet hands. The next time she saw Sesshoumaru, she stared down at the side of his heart.

Sesshoumaru's heart was a moving red jewel nestled against the pillow of his healthy pink lung tissue. It lay twisted to the right and pointed straight down; a normal anatomical variation and the sole reason Doctor B laid Sesshoumaru on his right side instead of the left, but in order to bring the left ventricular area into the surgical field, Kagome had to...

"Kagome?" Doctor B turned to her, a smile in his eyes. "Would you do the honors?"

She was trembling inside. Suddenly she feared one touch would crumble his precious heart into dust.

"Right."

Kagome swallowed her fear and reached into Sesshoumaru's warm chest cavity, cupping his heart in both hands. His heart fit perfectly with the contours of her palms, as if somebody sculpted it for this exact moment. The smooth, meaty organ was hot to the touch and pulsed like two relaxed fists that ceaselessly clenched and unclenched between her palms. For a minute she just watched his heart beat; the top half contracted first, followed by the bottom half. Unceasing, inexorable, an organic pump inspiring life, poetry and love. Kagome held it a little tighter. She felt the vibration of his murmur and the heat of his blood, his life, rushing in and out like breath.

Sesshoumaru's aura was strongest around his heart - she sensed its wax and wane in perfect time with his heartbeat. Warmth stretched into her touch, swirled along her arms and surrounded her own heart. She swore his very soul encircled her and held on tight. With each beat she felt herself growing closer to him than any other time they shared together. This was his _life_ in her hands.

Tears welled in her eyes, but a smile formed on her lips. She caressed his heart with her thumbs as it contracted against her palms. _I'm holding the heart of someone I love_.

"It's different when you hold a live one, isn't it?" Doctor B remarked.

"Huh? Oh, yeah..." Kagome startled at the interruption. Her mind was so silent, and now the peace lay shattered around her. The current task at hand returned to her mind. She lifted Sesshoumaru's heart up and to the right, finding it easily mobile. It popped right out into full view.

Doctor B gently clamped off the aorta and both the superior and inferior vena cava with hemostats, then let the assistant sew in tubing between them. The hemostats and right lung would keep the heart in position, but Kagome held on a little longer anyway. Doctor B ordered sterile ice slush poured over the pericardial cavity. Sesshoumaru's heart paled and went from a steady pump to a jumping bean that suddenly relaxed into a wet sack of worms.

"He's in v-fib."

"Good." Doctor B held his hand out and called for a smaller gauge scalpel. "Get him on the pump and turn off the vent."

Blood poured out through the clear tubing. Kagome felt the slick heart muscle relax completely like a deflated balloon. Her own heart squeezed itself in sympathy. A glance at the heart monitor showed a very fine sawtooth pattern - his heart still had electrical activity. Good. She reluctantly pulled her hands back and let Doctor B get to work, averting her eyes when he skillfully sliced at the plastic-like pericardial sac, secured it with a stitch and focused on the small space between the right and left atriums. The second the scalpel cut into the tissue, Kagome saw Sesshoumaru's aura surge through the wound, surrounding his heart in a green glow. She leaned her hip on the operating table and concentrated on feelings of safety, and his aura retreated again, unseen by anyone but her.

Sesshoumaru's mitral valve was white blob nestled in pink muscle tissue. One leaflet overlapped the other when they were supposed to rest gently together like closed eyelids. They didn't approximate at all.

"Good grief!" Doctor B exclaimed, staring down into Sesshoumaru's heart, "This guy has no business being alive with heart walls this thin! Look at this valve! Geez. Lemme test a suture before we do anything."

He promptly ordered for the suture needle to be loaded with thread, picked up a pledget with his smallest forceps and placed a test suture right next to Sesshoumaru's mitral valve. A few tugs seemed to reassure him that the thin muscle could handle the stitches. He performed this experiment on tissue he'd be removing anyway, and Kagome was glad for his thoroughness.

"Phew, he can hold 'em. How's his pressure?"

Kagome checked the monitor, "Steady."

"Good. Here we go."

Doctor B grasped the anterior leaflet with the tissue forceps, which looked like long tweezers tipped in tiny prongs, and pulled it taut. Kagome watched him lift the delicate tissue to expose the chordae. Gentle movements of the scalpel and forceps freed the cusp from its delicate cording. He proceeded to bisect the leaflet and remove it in two pieces. He set the pieces down one at a time on the little tray at his left. Wispy, hair-like chordae stubs dangled from the bottoms of each.

"He has a few chordae left over. I'll get 'em later." Doctor B retracted the valve annulus he just exposed so the light shined down into Sesshoumaru's left ventricle. Kagome couldn't see what he was looking for, but he nodded to her, "Papillary muscles look good." He manipulated the scalpel and forceps to remove the smaller leaflet. "More retraction please, Hiko. Ah, beautiful!"

Hiko was the one wearing a face shield rather than goggles. His full name was Akihiko Tagawa, but Kagome didn't know him intimately enough to call him by his first name. He retracted the suction tube, used looped sponge forceps to pick up a surgical sponge and dabbed along the tiny path Doctor B was cutting. The white fabric rapidly turned as red as the other gauze sponges placed here and there around the open heart itself.

"So what's this I hear about that deck you're putting in?"

"Oh, yeah, remodeling everything. Mimi wants to add a pool next year, just in time for Kazuya's birthday." Doctor B carried on the conversation like what he did was nothing special. "He's oozing. More suction..."

"That'll be a pay cut. Gah, I can't believe your kid's almost fifteen already!" Tagawa laughed as he suctioned away some unwanted blood clots. It made a soft gurgling sound under their conversation.

"Heh, heh, turn your back for a minute and they've gone from crawling to driving and thinking they know everything."

Both men chuckled.

Doctor B uttered another command that made Tagawa ease up on the retraction. He was reshaping the valve annulus for the new valve. "How's stuff at your place, Kagome?"

"All right," Kagome waited to have her gloves changed and moved back to assist by handing Doctor B whatever tools he needed. She found their verbal exchanges utterly irrelevant. In fact, any time it became silent one of them would start jabbering about something else. They discussed Terri Schiavo, the new Pope, their lunch dates, other patients. Anything to dissolve the same silence Sesshoumaru always embraced.

She sighed quietly to herself and focused on the sound of the heart-lung machine's steady whirr. It became the baseline for other sounds like the clink of forceps, the gurgle of suction, the slosh of soft tissue shifting or the murmur of conversation. Her eyes stayed fixed on the surgical field. The ice slush turned Sesshoumaru's blood-spattered cardiac muscle a sickly shade of gray-pink.

Tagawa shifted his weight from one leg to the other. "Damn coffee."

"You big baby," Doctor B poked a round probe into Sesshoumaru's resected valve annulus to measure its diameter. "Going to need a thirty three millimeter."

A circulating nurse spoke up. "Right."

One of the monitors beeped. Kagome checked them over and noticed Sesshoumaru's oxygen saturation was dropping into the low eighties. Until then he'd been hovering around ninety-five. "Sats getting low. I need two units of O-neg, stat."

Someone brought two small IV bags of blood and turned up the rapid infuser. Donated blood poured through the tubing. The beeping stopped and the tan circulating nurse gave a thumbs up to indicate all was well.

Tagawa shifted again.

"Nice catch, Kagome." Nodding, Doctor B looked over with a smile in his eyes, "Hiko, take ten before you pee down your legs. Kagome, take over for him, would you please?"

She snapped out of her thoughts. "Uh...sure...retraction, right?"

"Right. Just keep his atrium wide open for me." Doctor B said while he set the valve sizer back onto the tray.

Kagome took hold of the silver retractor holding Sesshoumaru's heart open. _I still think open hearts look like pizza_, she muttered to herself. With her eyes she followed the line of his right coronary arteries, noticing how much they resembled sprays of pale red lightning across a night sky.

"I'll be back in a minute." Tawaga said, stripping off his gloves. He rushed through the doors and headed for the restroom.

The surgeon nodded to him, then turned to Kagome. "Ever consider cardiology?"

"Not really my forte. I'm more the hand-holding type." She really didn't want to talk. Parts of her mind kept latching on to the fact that she was staring down at the heart of a being she once believed heartless.

"Ah. Man, this guy has the pinkest lungs I've ever seen...wherever he lived, it must've had clear air."

"Guess so." Kagome ran the suction tubing under Sesshoumaru's listless heart to clear up surgical debris. It made a 'snorting' noise when it came in contact with one of the blood-soaked sponges sitting in his chest cavity. The lung they collapsed to keep his heart still was a deflated bubblegum-pink balloon suspended inside a slimy tissue membrane.

"Retract the annulus please."

Kagome picked up a smaller retractor with three blunt teeth at the end and poked it down into the orange-pink opening. The soft tissue gave way enough to give Doctor B a better visual. He said something to the aide at his side, received a tiny scalpel and forceps the size of tweezers and started removing the loose chordae tendinea he snipped earlier.

The valve arrived. Doctor B waited while the circulating nurse loaded the suture needle onto the suture holders. Kagome watched him place careful stitches between Sesshoumaru's valve annulus and the cloth ring around the new mechanical one.

"He's coming through this beautifully so far," he said.

"Mm..." She glanced over at the demon's sleeping face, finding it unchanged. A lock of silver hair protruded from under the cap and curled delicately against his smooth brow. Tape surrounded the ET tube and wrinkled against his pale skin. If he didn't have his exotic markings, she probably wouldn't have recognized his face under all the equipment.

Doctor B instructed Kagome to slide the mechanical valve down until it was settled snugly in place. She watched him push it around a few times to make sure it was secure. Then, like a conductor directing fine music, he began to knot each suture, clipping as he went. He poked one of the pledgets to align it, tied off the last stitch and nodded over Kagome's shoulder to Tagawa.

It was done. The valve went in without incident.

"Higurashi, you can scrub out now. He'll be fine. I'll handle the rest of this."

Kagome both welcomed and dreaded the words. She waited for Tagawa to take over holding the retractor.

"If you start to lose him...I want back in."

Doctor B glanced over. His sparkle dimmed slightly. "Understood."

Nodding once, Kagome made her way out and shed her surgical attire. She hurried to use the restroom to relieve herself and groaned at finding a faint red stain in her underwear. Though taking birth control pills let her know exactly when she'd start her period, she almost always forgot to bring tampons along.

__

Being a woman is a messy job, Kagome stuffed toilet paper into her panties and hurried to find money for the sanitary dispenser.

o0o

Sesshoumaru's surgery began at exactly eight o'clock. It was almost eleven-thirty when Kagome scrubbed out. If Doctor B didn't appear by twelve-thirty or so, she'd know complications arose.

__

Until then, she told herself, _I refuse to worry_.

Tired, both physically and mentally, Kagome wandered into the waiting room. Sunlight filtered through the windows to create gold pools on the black marble floor. A magazine rack decorated one wall. The gift shop was on the left, set between two fake potted plants. On the right was a door where new mothers emerged, bundles of moving pink softness resting in their arms. They disappeared one at a time through the exit.

She blindly signed in at the admit desk and walked three more feet to drop herself onto an overstuffed plastic sofa. Though exhausted, she couldn't even muster a catnap. Her mind wouldn't stop spinning. The memory of Sesshoumaru's pulsating heart throbbed under her palms.

"You look like you could use a stiff cup of tea."

Kagome blinked and looked towards the soft soprano voice. "Hana! What are you doing here? Aren't you on duty?"

Hana stared at her over the rim of her glasses. "Hel-lo! It's my day off, you goof." She laughed, "but I understand why you'd forget. I can tell you have a lot on your mind right now. So how's Sesshou?"

"Oh..." she stretched. Her feet ached from standing for so long without a break. "the valve is in. Doctor B's just doing the final procedures. It'll be another hour."

"Then c'mon, let's get you some tea. You look like you need somebody to sit next to you anyway."

Kagome's head sank into her shoulders. Her throat felt dry and cold. All the hours of breathing scents of disinfectants made normal hospital air smell strange to her. "Yeah...but I apologize in advance if I don't make much conversation."

A smile curled Hana's lips. "Don't worry about it."

"He's going to come out of there with chest tubes, pacemakers and probably on a vent...just...it's hard to picture him in ICU twice." Kagome followed Hana mechanically to the cafeteria, barely noticing when a mug of hot tea was thrust against her hand. Reflex closed her fingers around the handle. "I really hope this surgery saves him. I can't bear the thought of losing him after seeing him come so far."

Hana poked her arm, "He's a healthy guy, he'll be fine."

Kagome sipped her tea and said nothing more.

o0o

Twelve-thirty came and went. So did twelve-forty. Hana had to leave to get lunch ready for her sick mother. Kagome didn't mind, she wanted to be left alone.

Doctor B appeared at twelve forty-five. He was smiling, a _very_ good sign. "He's good to go. We had a teensy bit of trouble getting his heart to restart, he was stuck in v-fib and I had to use internal paddles to get him going again. The valve is working good, his heart is contracting way better than it did before and he's out of failure."

"Oh, God, thank you!" Kagome couldn't resist squeezing the short doctor in a tight hug. All the weight sitting on her shoulders evaporated. "Is he still intubated?"

"Yeah, but we'll wean him off tonight or tomorrow. Don't expect him to open his eyes for another few hours." Doctor B patted her back and stepped away. "You can go sit with him if you like. He's in curtain twenty four in the cardio ward. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my empty stomach."

Kagome laughed and let him go, waving as she rounded the corner. Ten minutes later found her sitting at Sesshoumaru's bedside.

Sesshoumaru had a tube or wire attached to almost every part of his body. His face was swollen and red, but facial edema was to be expected. Yellow discoloration from the surgical solution peeped out from under the bandages taped to his side and groin area. The endotracheal tube just kind of stuck out of his mouth, though held in place with layers of tape. Each time the vent hissed his chest rose and fell. His EKG monitor beeped steadily. Flashing numbers next to the readouts showed he had good pulse-ox and a steady BP. An artificial pacemaker -a device attached to his shoulder with silver wires that disappeared under his skin- kept his heart beating at a languid pace, a precautionary measure to prevent sudden arrhythmias and give his cardiac muscle a chance to rest and heal. A chest tube poked out of his right side to help his collapsed lung maintain a proper atmosphere. Another drainage tube extended through the bandages to keep excess fluid from building up around his heart. Labeled bottles and bags hung on hooks above his head. Clear, yellow or pinkish solutions, most likely anticoagulants, pain medication and diuretics to reduce swelling, dripped through the tubes and emptied through various needles taped to his wrist, the back of his hand and the crook of his arm.

Yet, despite that, Kagome found the demon lord looked stronger than he ever had in his life. Here he was, alive, after going through Hell and back. Open heart surgery was not a snip and a suture, it was a life-changing ordeal.

"You're amazing," Kagome whispered to Sesshoumaru's sleeping form. He didn't respond, not even a fluttering of the eyelashes. She sighed and placed her hand in his. Someone clipped his nails all the way to the quick, probably a nurse who worried he would scratch himself or someone else. He felt warm despite having only a large towel spread over his hips to preserve his dignity. She sighed again and traced the maroon stripes drawing slashes across the back of his pale hand.

To everyone's surprise, Sesshoumaru stirred an hour later. Kagome was still sitting at his side when she felt his fingers close around hers. He opened his eyes to blink sleepily up at her, looking a lot like he did the first time he came out of his long coma. He seemed surprised to be awake.

"Hey," Kagome leaned over the bed and moved her finger back and forth near his face, smiling when his eyes followed it. "It's Kagome. You're okay. Understand me?"

He turned his drooping eyes to her and nodded faintly. His lips moved against the tube.

"Mm, don't try to talk. You're intubated." She rubbed his palm, the only part of him not buried under tubing or wiring. "They have a lot of stuff hooked up to you, but it'll come off as you recover some more."

Again Sesshoumaru wiggled his mouth under the tape. Wrinkles appeared on his brow. The demon lord finally reached up to poke at his face. He tried to open his mouth wider, but the tape was so tight he could hardly move his jaw.

"Aw...I see..." she gently lifted his hand away, "is that tape itchy?"

His vexed expression answered 'yes'. Hard to blame him for 'complaining'. Somebody went overboard with the tape, criss-crossing it all over across his lips and chin. A lot of it had wrinkled against his skin, turning it red and raw.

"Okay, don't pick at it. Let's see if I can get rid of some." Kagome peeled the excess strips off to give his mouth a little slack while keeping the ET tube immobile. His cheeks had imprints of the wrinkles because the tape was on so tight. She frowned and rubbed the wrinkles away, hoping to help stop the itching. He stared into her eyes the entire time. The discomfort quickly left his face.

Sesshoumaru's eyes wandered around the room to take everything in. He glanced at his monitors, followed the tubing from his mouth to the vent machine and finally turned his eyes to Kagome. His beautiful long eyelashes were all clumped together with moisture, an effect that resembled badly-applied mascara.

"Does anything hurt?"

He shook his head.

Kagome smiled again and dabbed the goop off his eyes with a tissue, ignoring his attempt to turn away from her touch. "Sleep some more, you need to focus on resting now. I'll stick around for a little while longer."

Sesshoumaru curled his toes and bent his left leg so his right knee rested on his left ankle. His entire form shifted heavily on the mattress. He twitched an eyebrow, closed his eyes and relaxed again. Kagome kept petting his forehead until she was sure he'd fallen asleep.

Another hour floated by. Doctor B slipped in to do a post-op check and make sure Sesshoumaru was coming around. Poor Sesshoumaru didn't look too happy at being poked out of a sound sleep. He squinted at Doctor B as if his stare alone could melt the man into the ground.

"Sorry, I know you just want to sleep right now. But I have to check you to make sure you've been awake."

Sesshoumaru's eyes drooped. Kagome rubbed his forearm to keep him awake while the doctor listened to his heart with the stethoscope.

"We need to work out a hand signal so you can tell us how you're feeling...yeah, I know, that tube sucks and it's no fun. So this is what I want you to do." Doctor B put his chart down, "A thumbs up means 'I feel great'. A sideways thumb is 'eeeeh, okay'. A thumbs down means 'I feel like crap'. How's that sound?"

The demon lord merely twitched an eyebrow. Kagome knew the gesture. Doctor B didn't.

"He's waiting for you to keep talking," she hinted.

"Oh, heh...well, how do you feel?"

A thumbs up.

That simple gesture was all Kagome needed to know he'd be just fine.

"In that case, it looks like your photo will be up in my office pretty soon." Doctor B shined a light into Sesshoumaru's eyes to check his pupillary reactions, noted his monitors and left with a smile. Kagome heard him go "yes!" out in the hall.

She laughed and bent to press a light kiss to the demon lord's brow. "I'll come by later. You just rest, you've had a rough day. A nurse will come in to check on you every fifteen or twenty minutes, so don't freak out if you wake up and see a stranger in here."

In reply, Sesshoumaru just turned his head to the side and closed his eyes to sleep. His face was calm and without pain.

Assured that he'd be okay, Kagome headed home to shower and take a nap.

o0o END OF CHAPTER o0o

-Glossary-

Arrhythmia - irregular heartbeat.

DLT - short for Double Lumen Tube, a specialized tube used to ventilate one lung during intrathoracic(chest) surgery where one lung needs to be collapsed. After surgery the collapsed lung is reinflated.

Papillary muscles - tiny muscular stubs in both heart ventricles. The chordae tendinae sprout from this and attach to the valves to prevent their opening backwards.

Resected/resection - the removal of part or all of an organ. A tumor that can be resected is a tumor that can be removed.

Sats - slang for oxygen saturation, the percentage of oxygen in the blood. Normal sats should be in the high 90's.

Vent - slang for ventilator.


	13. Feeling a Soul

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 13  
Feeling a Soul

o0o

"Okay, Sesshou," Kanrau grasped the ET tube in his gloved fingers, "When I tell you to, take a deep breath and blow out as hard as you can. Ready?"

Sesshoumaru, alert, awake and obviously sore, nodded once.

Kagome offered him a reassuring smile. She held the bulge of his larynx gently between two fingers so she could feel it immediately if his airway collapsed. "You'll probably have a sore throat and won't be able to talk for awhile. I doubt that'll bother you much, though."

Kanrau's calm eyes remained on Sesshoumaru's face. "Here we go, extubation time. Breathe in and blow."

Sesshoumaru did as he was told. The instant he started to exhale, Kanrau tugged on the endotracheal tube. It slipped free with a wet sloshing noise. Sesshoumaru gagged and coughed, licking his cracked lips to moisten them for the first time in almost twenty four hours. He grimaced in pain between choking fits.

Keeping her fingers on his Adam's apple, Kagome waited for signs of airway collapse. The stiff cartilage remained firm. "Looks good here."

"Excellent. I think the last extubation was just done wrong. Somebody probably twisted it on the way out." A shrug rolled Kanrau's shoulders, "It should be okay. Sesshou..."

Kanrau uncoiled the thin oxygen tubing on Sesshoumaru's pillow. He moved to place the prongs in Sesshoumaru's nose, but Sesshoumaru put up his hand and blocked it.

"Whoa, easy now. This is humidified oxygen. It'll help you breathe and make your throat feel better. The prongs just go into your nostrils a little, see how small they are?" He showed the demon the tiny prongs on the tubing. "You'll still be able to smell. Can I put this on you?"

Sesshoumaru gazed at the clear tubing for a moment, followed it to the flow meter in the wall behind the bed and finally inclined his head.

Kanrau settled a nasal cannula under Sesshoumaru's tipped-up nose and draped the ends over his pointed ears, "Don't be surprised if you have trouble swallowing for the next hour. It'll improve once you get moisture back in your mouth. Now, all you need to do is rest up. Drink water when you feel like swallowing again, okay? That'll help your throat."

Sesshoumaru nodded once, slowly, his frown betraying his incision site pain. Kagome wasn't at all surprised that he'd be sore. He looked up when Kanrau hooked in his pain medication. The doctor made notes on his chart, had Kagome co-sign everything and offered a quick smile. Then he was off to go check on a few people at the home.

Kagome grinned at Sesshoumaru, bent over and had a listen with her stethoscope.

__

CLANK-dub, CLANK-dub.

"Want to hear?"

He shook his head and rapped on the bedrail in time with his heartbeat. Obviously he could hear the valve. Sounds from bileaflets and tilting disks often reverberated up through the bones, making the clicks seem louder to recipients. Coupled with Sesshoumaru's sensitive hearing...

"Ah, well does the sound bother you?"

Another shake of the head followed by a smirk. She could tell he was thinking along the lines of 'and so comes our silent communication again'.

"So maybe today we'll think about -"

Sesshoumaru covered her mouth with one finger. "No more words," he managed to choke out. Talking made him cough a little. It wouldn't surprise her at all if the ET tube left his throat a raw mess for the rest of the day.

Kagome filled a plastic cup with water and offered him a sip. He accepted it, but choked more trying to swallow it. His hand moved from her face to his throat and an involuntary grimace pulled his lips away from his teeth. Forced aloofness overcame the grimace and he settled back. One eye still twitched occasionally.

Kagome rubbed his forearm. She could remember how sore her throat was when she had her appendix out three years ago, so she sympathized.

"Listen...I have to get to work. I'll stop by again tonight before I go home. Don't be surprised if the nurses gang up to get you out of bed and walk you around." She fluffed his bangs for him and smiled when he swatted her hand away. "Get some sleep for now. I'll see you in a few hours."

A curt nod. He turned his head to the side and closed his eyes.

At the door, Kagome couldn't help but glance back. Sesshoumaru looked so strange lying in the hospital bed with the nasal cannula across his face and various monitors and IV's attached to his skin. The swelling in his face had gone down so he no longer looked like somebody with a noose around their throat. His pillow from home gently cradled the back of his head and neck, his silver braid a discordant mound next to his bare shoulder. He always pulled his blanket up over his left side, but had to keep his right arm in the open for blood tests and IV changes.

She smiled again when she noticed the fluffy stuffed dog draped over the raised bedrail nearest the wall.

__

Amazing how you've changed.

o0o

Sesshoumaru was sound asleep when Kagome arrived at his room in the evening. Deciding not to wake him, she left a note saying she'd been there and headed home. Sukiyaki and a hot shower sounded good right then. The next hour found her greedily consuming her meal. A towel contained her wet hair while the TV show _Hey! Hey! Hey! _occupied her mind.

__

Ken's better, Vicki looks good... she mentally went over all of her patients at the home. Ken was over his strep throat and Vicki's cervical cancer scare turned out to be a false alarm. Nothing spectacular happened...at least not unless she counted one of Hana's new patients projectile vomiting across a hall.

The TV annoyed her. All they did was...talk! She turned it off and sighed. Silence settled over her like a calming blanket of fog. She fixed her eyes on Sesshoumaru's empty bed. By his request she kept the mattress, but did away with the adjustable frame and replaced it with a simple wooden board set atop tatami mats. He'd turned the blankets up the morning of his surgery, a chore she couldn't picture him doing. His huge, furry heirloom pelt took up most of the bed.

Reaching out, Kagome brushed a palm over the fluffy off-white softness. The pelt was surprisingly light for its size and thickness. Though it had weight, it probably wasn't much heavier than a thick overcoat.

She moved to the tansu where he'd placed his few belongings. His armor, disassembled, barely fit by itself in the bottom drawer. She told herself she'd get a sewing form soon to display it properly. The drawer above it housed the notebooks and his Feudal attire. The next drawer housed his modern-day clothing. Pants, shirts, socks, underwear.

Kagome opened the second to the bottom drawer, reached in and lifted up his beautiful kimono shirt. The pure, feather-light red and white silk fluttered under her fingers. Funny how it seemed lackluster without his muscular body inside. She idly wondered how it kept him warm, but her mind kicked itself when she remembered that silk didn't breathe like modern materials. Then she noticed his linen under-kimono. Not only did it help keep him warm, it also protected the precious silk from his sweat and body oils.

It was long. In all honesty she'd never seen it without his armor in the way. When she held it up in front of her, the fabric reached to her knees.

She closed her eyes and slipped her arms into the sleeves. The smooth silk fell into place over her clear skin and she couldn't avoid giggling at how the sleeves swallowed her hands.

__

Just went did he weave himself into my life like this? Her mind flashed back to the day, so long ago, when she first glimpsed him standing gracefully on the shoulder of a massive ogre demon. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine that one day she would hold his beating heart in her hands. She certainly never believed she'd find herself hopelessly in love with him.

There was always something about him that struck a chord within her. She still remembered the first time she saw his eyes. They were so full of emptiness. The kind of emptiness where, had he let himself break down and cry there, he'd never stop.

Kagome knew she wasn't the first woman to fall in love with Sesshoumaru. No, there was that Sara lady, the dying nun who gave her soul to a demon for the chance to spend her last moments with him. A huge battle and one Wound of Wind blast later, Sara got her wish. As her remains dissolved to ash, Sara had said something about being grateful to have one memory with him. After she dissolved, Sesshoumaru, who was holding the flute she once played for him the entire time, propped it on the tree above her ash pile and told her to keep playing it for him in the afterlife.

__

I wonder if he even remembers her... she shook her head free of the memory, walked into her bedroom and observed herself in the wardrobe mirror. Sesshoumaru's kimono shirt was practically a robe for her. She felt like a child playing dress-up with adult clothes. The thought made her giggle at herself.

The phone rang.

Kagome jumped and ran to answer it. "Hello?"

Sesshoumaru's soft voice came from the earpiece, "Go out onto the balcony...can you see the moon?"

Her body shivered at hearing him practically purring in her ear. The mechanics in the audio output of the phone did something amazing to his voice, but she couldn't put her finger on exactly what it was.

She held his kimono shirt closed with one hand and padded outside. The cement was cold beneath her feet.

The moon hung against the fading hues of dusk. The planets Jupiter and Venus floated on either side like pristine white diamonds. Like the light always reflecting off Sesshoumaru's eyes.

Kagome's mind formed a perfect image of Sesshoumaru reclining in bed in the darkness of his hospital room, his left hand holding the phone to his ear as he gazed at the moon through the vertical blinds. Their shadows would cast tiger-stripe patterns all across his pale skin while the moonlight turned his hair into silver ice.

"I see it...it's beautiful." She smiled, finding it funny to be speaking to the very person whose clothes she wore.

"I find it interesting that the moon looks the same no matter where you are when you see it," he said. "It reminds me of a sickle lying between two fine jewels. What does it remind you of?"

A blush formed on her cheeks. "You."

Sesshoumaru made an amused sound. Not quite a chuckle, but not a sigh either. "I don't hear your television in the background. Usually you have it on."

"It got annoying. I..." she bit her lip, "I wanted it quiet."

"Is the silence beautiful?"

Kagome paced on the chilled cement, grasping the phone in her left hand. "This is going to sound silly, but it feels so vast."

"Silence is always there," Sesshoumaru whispered, "It was the first thing to exist when the universe began and it will be the last thing to exist when the universe ends."

"You should be a poet."

"Tch." That time, he did chuckle. "I prefer to read it."

Funny how easy it was to talk to him when she couldn't see his face. Perhaps he felt the same. She giggled at the thought. "Me, too."

"And we are getting off the purpose of my call," Sesshoumaru's bed hummed in the background, he was adjusting it to either sit up or lay down. "Tomorrow, when you visit me, do bring me a...soda."

"Soda?" Kagome blinked.

"Yes. And a decent piece of fruit or sushi. The food here is disgusting and I refuse to touch it." he snorted, "My only sustenance has been milk and the nurses are acting as if I'm about to die."

She laughed out loud, "I'll bring you an orange and some Seven-Up...a brand of soda that isn't full of sugar."

"It will have to do." He yawned, a sound Kagome could distinguish by the click of his teeth at its finish. "I should sleep..."

"Yeah, you sound sleepy. I'll see you in the morning."

"Until then." And then he abruptly hung up.

Red-faced, Kagome clicked the button to hang up her connection and glanced once more at the moon. She put a hand over her heart to slow it down. A smile bloomed. _He must be feeling better if he wants to eat and drink. Wow, it's only been a day and a half since the surgery and already he sounds almost back to normal...that's to be expected, he heals fast...but WOW_.

Kagome headed back inside and changed into her black nightie. As she placed Sesshoumaru's kimono shirt back in its drawer, she noticed colored pieces of plastic poking out from under his folded shirts. Curious, Kagome leafed through the shirts. She found a pack of beef jerky, two packs of uncooked bacon, two bags of dried fruit and a bag of assorted nuts. All unopened. There were more packages hidden between his pants and even under the futon.

"How weird..."

She knew Sesshoumaru would be upset if he knew she snooped, so she rearranged his belongings exactly as she found them, sprayed some Febreeze to eliminate her scent and hurried to finish tidying up the house.

o0o

Pristine metal and glass doors slid open, spewing forth the scents of disinfectant. Kagome nodded to the nurse behind the desk and headed upstairs to the cardiac care ICU, but discovered she'd missed the call reminding her that Sesshoumaru was now in the step-down unit. Two nurses exited the elevator when she pushed the button for the second floor.

"...he's had two MI's since June of last year..." a voice drifted from one room.

"...advanced coronary disease..." came from another.

"Hey, did you see that gorgeous guy in room six A?" chimed a third, who joined them from the other elevator.

"The one who only drinks milk?"

"Milk certainly did HIS body good!"

All three of them passed a wheelchair half-blocked by ventilator equipment and a laundry bin. The only thing Kagome saw was fluffy white slippers on the footrests. The tallest nurse poked the other two. They paused, giggled and chased each other down the hall.

Kagome rolled her eyes at the young nurses. Their behavior wasn't exactly promoting convalescence for the patients still recovering from surgery.

The chubby male nurse sitting at the administration desk shot the women a look. "The lot of you need some penis time, I swear."

"What, Tetsuo, are you offering?"

"Only if your pocket rockets aren't working anymore."

The group erupted into laughter and Kagome knew exactly who started the tittering. She rounded the corner where room six A was the sixth door at the end of a hall. Looking in, she saw a solitary, empty hospital bed with the rails lowered. The crisp blue and white sheets were in disarray, as if the person in the bed recently vacated it. Sitting on the bedside table was a novel by Colleen McCullough, but a tan plastic water jug and a squashed single-serving milk carton blocked the title.

__

Hm.

"Sesshoumaru? Are you in the bathroom?"

"I'm here."

She jumped and looked down the hall. Sesshoumaru stood there in a bathrobe and the same fluffy white slippers she'd seen on the wheelchair footrests. He was leaning on the railing lining the wall. He'd taken the topknot braid out of his hair, so it hung in wavy disarray around his neck and back. Beside him stood an IV rack with a portable EKG machine and two labeled bags of medicine. Drainage tubes stitched inside his chest cavity poked out from the neck of his hospital gown. The collection containers were pinned to the lapel of his robe. Every now and then a few drops of red-brown fluid squished through the tubing. Kagome narrowed her eyes. He was fine as long as that fluid didn't turn green.

"You're up!" She said.

Sesshoumaru's brows settled into a line, "Of course I'm up. I couldn't stand spending another day just lying in that bed."

"Don't blame you there. Glad to see you ditched the oxygen tube, too. But...I come bearing gifts." Kagome held up a plastic shopping bag.

The demon lord slowly shuffled into his room and perched gracefully on the bed. He honestly looked a lot better than yesterday. His color was good, he wanted to walk and most importantly he asked for food. If he ate well early on, Kagome was sure he'd get an early discharge.

"How'd you sleep?" She asked while peeling the orange for him.

His face darkened, "I awoke in restraints. They claimed I was growling and disturbing the other patients." He picked up the book on his bedside table and set it in the drawer, out of the way. "If I did such a thing, I think I would remember it."

__

God, night terror...he had a night terror and I wasn't here. Kagome spread the orange slices out on a napkin and rolled the tray to his bedside. She tried to laugh it off, "Not if they doped you up."

Sesshoumaru bit the corner off a juicy slice. He didn't speak again until he finished chewing. "When I couldn't move upon awakening...I wanted to escape...but my monitors sounded alarms. Someone had to remove the restraints and attach an IV to slow my heart down. I didn't tell them I was...afraid...they blamed it on ta...tack- "

"Tachycardia?"

"Yes."

__

Guess they took out the pacemaker. Kagome lowered her head. "I'm sorry I wasn't here."

He waved a hand to dismiss it. "Did you bring the soda?"

"Oh! Yeah, yeah I did." She opened the can for him and offered it over. "Please just sip this."

Seven-Up and an orange didn't sound appetizing to her, but it obviously didn't bother him. He merely sipped a little at a time between bites of breakfast. "You smell like my clothes."

Kagome's face flushed bright red. "I do?"

An amused twinkled flashed through his eyes and he obviously fought down a smile.

"Okay, I admit it. I tried on your silk kimono shirt after a shower." Her cheeks burned like hot water, "I..."

Sesshoumaru's eyes were faraway, he stared up at the ceiling. "Once, when I shed my clothes to bathe, I came back to find Rin wearing my boots. She was still young then. The effect was...heh...a bit like the clown shoes of today. She said she hoped her feet would be as big as mine so we could share our shoes." This time he did chuckle softly, "She was such an odd human. I spent much of my time wondering what compelled her to return to me after her time with the old miko."

"Ever ask her?"

He shook his head. "She didn't know how to answer that question. I...did miss her presence, and I was content when she returned. She never left me again until her last breath."

"Oh." Kagome reached over to pick up the tissues Sesshoumaru didn't use. She let him eat a bit more while she quietly brushed his hair. He accepted her offer to re-braid it, and in a few minutes he bore a fresh topknot braid that was less likely to catch on IV's and bedrails.

Beating around the bush was getting old. She sighed, "Sesshoumaru...the reason you woke up in restraints is because you had a night terror."

Gold eyes fixed steadily on hers. Eyebrow-twitch.

"You've been having them ever since you woke up from your coma." She couldn't look at him. His eyes burned against her head. "Once, twice, sometimes three times a month. If it wasn't a night terror, you sleepwalked."

Sesshoumaru lowered the soda can from his lips. "I have no memory of such actions. Just...the nightmares themselves. What exactly do I do?"

"Well," said Kagome, "When you have night terrors, you press yourself against a wall, curl up in a ball and growl at me when I come close. When you sleepwalk, you crawl around on all fours as if in your demon form." she blushed more, "You'd come right to me if I opened a can of your formula and gave you a feeding. That trick stopped working once the feeding tube came out, though..."

He closed his eyes, digesting her words. A slow sigh made his chest heave up and fall down, the tape on his skin crackling a little. "I was never this way before my memory blanks. And I can't seem to delve into that blank space." Suddenly, he bore his teeth and growled, "_Why_ does this happen?"

"It's the result of your mind trying to survive a harrowing experience...like war, rape, abuse, torture. It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

"Are you saying I'm insane?"

"No! No, it can look like insanity, but it isn't." She moved to sit next to him on the bed. The hollow his weight created on the mattress gave her no place to relax except against his flank. "It'll never go away entirely, I'll be honest. You probably had problems with it for awhile before you went into your coma. But it's treatable. Sometimes people find they can deal with it if they face the experience that caused the disorder in the first place. You'll be able to take your life back without as many hallucinations and nightmares."

"The only physician I can trust is doctor Yakamoto. He is the only one other than you who knows the truth. If I speak to a psychologist...they would never believe me." Sesshoumaru pushed the food tray away and let his hand fall into his lap. His light blue bathrobe complimented the color of his skin. "The only way I know of that opens repressed memories is hypnosis. But it would not be wise to do so inside a building. Better some place in the open. Should I transform..."

Kagome gave his shoulder a light squeeze. "He minored in psychology, I think he can help a little. The main part is just facing it and knowing it can't hurt you anymore."

A sigh blew past his lips. "Kagome, it is not that easy. My flashbacks are as real as you. As real as this food just consumed. I despise my inability to control the terror."

"And facing the cause may lessen all of that." She leaned on him, playing with the tail end of his braid. "If that doesn't work, there's always medication - "

"Feh!" He moved and his braid jerked itself out of her hands. "You humans have a pill for everything. Everything from hyperactive children to loose bowels. How can something the size of a pebble make someone sane?"

"You'd be surprised. Sometimes it's all just a chemical imbalance. The medicine corrects it."

"I know, I read about it on the in-ter-net," he sounded the word out slowly. "What kind of pathetic excuse has my life become? My own mind and body betraying me..."

"Hey, the beauty of this era is that you can get help here. You _can_ get your life back. Fight like you did when you wanted to walk and use your hand again."

Sesshoumaru gazed out the window. The sky was water-pale with a few soapy clouds drifting across its endless expanse. Suddenly he smirked and a soft chuckle shook his shoulders. It gradually accelerated until he closed his eyes and erupted into a full-blown, low pitched laugh.

Kagome stared at him. _Sesshoumaru...laughing?_

"Sesshoumaru?"

"_Ci è bellezza nella sofferenza_." Sesshoumaru covered his mouth in attempt to muffle his laughter. "'There is beauty in the suffering,' he said..."

"He? Who?"

"The _Pope_." He snickered. "Pope Innocent the Eleventh. Somewhere in the year sixteen hundred and eighty four, I believe." He finally gained control of his mirth. "I know it was seventeen hundred when I entered my long unconsciousness."

__

He was unconscious for over three hundred years! Kagome gasped. She closed her mouth and just stared at him in utter amazement.

Sesshoumaru's feral smile melted to deadpan. His face was still a little flushed from laughing so hard. He looked sore after all the shaking in his diaphragm stirred up his incision site. "Look in the notebooks under my pelt. I delved into my memory and chronicled my travels during those long years. You will see what I have seen. You will know what it is to live for as long as I have lived."

"Are you sure it's all right for me to read them?"

He made a dismissive gesture. "I have nothing to hide."

"Well, if you're sure." Kagome sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder before she realized what she was doing. In the end, she didn't care and kept it there. He felt like the only solid, real thing within a ten mile radius of her life. "I don't feel like going to work today. I don't have any gorks under my care at the moment and everybody else is healthy. They just kind of need somebody to babysit them and bring their meals."

"Was that not the case with me before I woke up?" Sesshoumaru didn't seem to mind her head on his shoulder.

"You were different. I knew you before..."

"Interesting." His voice was right above her ear. "Is that why you struggled to keep me alive? For whose benefit?"

Ice water dashed in Kagome's face would have received the same dumbfounded reaction. The bottom of her stomach dropped through the floor and disappeared. Not once had she ever considered whether or not he'd like the new world he recently became part of. The deepest recesses of her mind continued to believe that once Sesshoumaru was healthy again, mentally and physically, time would magically allow her to see Inuyasha one last time. His feelings never occurred to her during his coma. Not once did she think he may not have wanted to wake up.

This was all because _she_ wanted it to be. And he was paying for it.

She felt like a selfish little child.

__

Forgive me...oh God, forgive me. Her arms twined themselves around his shoulders. "I couldn't just let you waste away in there."

"I was afraid to die and afraid to live." Sesshoumaru sighed and stared down at his slender, perfect hands, blithely unaware of how badly he'd torn her heart open. "If I must live here, I must make a living...so when I regain full health, I think I'll look up a few schools."

Relief washed over Kagome. Discussing his pain further would only deepen her own, and now wasn't the time for a fight. "There's a few good local ones where you can enroll and - "

"I am not looking to go as a student."

Kagome stared at him like he just grew three more heads. "You can't just walk in and go 'hi, I'd like a job here'! You have to take courses and present a resume before anyone will even interview you!"

"If I show my knowledge, I doubt they will turn me down. Besides, I can tell them I am self-educated. Which is quite literally the truth." Amusement twinkled in his downcast eyes, "Perhaps, if I bring the past to them, let them taste it as you did, then some part of it will stay alive within me."

"Think you could handle a classroom filled with humans?"

"No students of mine would misbehave."

She smiled, "I believe you...and if that's what you want to do, go for it."

"It is still a long way off. Ah..." Sesshoumaru shed his bathrobe and settled himself supine on the bed. "I must rest."

"Yeah, good idea" Kagome helped him pull the blankets out from under his legs and drew them up to his chest. She hung his robe over the back of the chair by the window. "I'll let you sleep. See you later?"

A nod.

"Close the blinds."

Kagome did so. She moved his soda can within reach, patted his shoulder and left without another word. On her way past the nurse's station, she informed them that Sesshoumaru did eat and made sure it was noted in his chart.

When Kagome checked her email later that day, she found something from Doctor B. It was a quicktime movie clip of the moment she grasped and held Sesshoumaru's heart. His aura didn't show up because a camera wasn't the same as a miko's eyes, but Kagome didn't mind. She watched it and smiled.

Attached was a note:

__

To help you keep your promise.

Doctor B.

She took her laptop with her and showed the video to Sesshoumaru later that afternoon. A softness passed over his eyes like the sun shifting between storm clouds.

"You held my heart," he whispered, touching his own chest. His cheeks colored - he was blushing! "You...caressed it."

"Yeah, I did." Kagome smiled, watching him stare at the screen. His blush was so cute - even his ears went red. "Doctor B let me slide the valve in, too. I think the only things I didn't do were open you up and close you down."

The blush vanished off Sesshoumaru's face. He either didn't notice or didn't acknowledge it. "What did it feel like?"

"Hm?"

"My heart." He glanced at her. "What did it feel like to you?"

"Warm. It was warm and strong. I felt the blood going in and out. I felt like you could feel me." She looked into his eyes. "I saw your aura come up when Doctor B made the first incision. You'd think a demon's entire aura is centered in the heart."

"It is, but that isn't what you saw. Demons consider the heart the most sacred part of any creature. The soul lives there. Therefore, the heart must always be handled with care."

Sesshoumaru closed her laptop and looked out the window. He seemed a little spooked, but not afraid, and Kagome suddenly realized why.

"So, that green light...that warmth I felt...that was your soul?"

"Yes, and being a miko meant you could sense it." Sesshoumaru replied. "One day, I will explain it further to you."

"I look forward to it." She said.

Sesshoumaru scooted away and settled down on his back, his bangs messy against the moon on his brow. He picked up the stuffed dog, looked at it for a moment and set it down beside his pillow. "Hn...my mother was right. I _am_ like my father."

"Eh?"

A shake of his head dismissed her. "Nothing. Mmh, when can I leave this place?"

"Soon, Sesshoumaru." Kagome rubbed his forearm. He didn't have any bruising on his arms from the IV's. She noticed the central lines placed before his surgery had been removed, and he only had slight, fading green bruises left over. "Maybe even tomorrow, since you're healing so quick."

But Sesshoumaru's eyes were closed and he breathed steadily through his nose. His left arm clutched at the plush canine and his right hand still rested on the raised bedrail. He had a slight frown on his brow.

"You asleep?" she whispered.

"Mmmh." Sesshoumaru's hand slipped off the bedrail. His right arm jerked slightly, but he didn't even notice. It was a mild side effect from the anesthetics used during his surgery and nothing to worry about.

__

He's almost asleep. I should go so he can rest some more.

Kagome smiled tenderly at Sesshoumaru. She pulled the blankets up to his chest and stroked his soft cheek. He shifted slightly at her touch, and his steady breathing indicated he'd slipped into deep sleep. She kissed his forehead before slipping out into the corridor.

__

I saw your soul, Sesshoumaru...and it wasn't black at all. Maybe it was, once...but not now. I'm glad for that. I really am.

o0o END OF CHAPTER o0o

-Glossary-

MI - myocardial infarction, aka heart attack.


	14. Nonverbal Pain Cues

o0o

**Embrace the Silence**

Chapter 14  
Nonverbal Pain Cues

o0o

"I thought we were returning to your apartment." Sesshoumaru grumped, though he didn't seem to mind being pushed around in the wheelchair. He kept his nose firmly in the air the entire distance from the hospital to the home. His pelt, which he requested Kagome bring in the night before his discharge, was draped over the back and arms of the chair like a festoon.

Kagome just smiled at Sesshoumaru's less-than-pleased expression and wheeled him into the home. The smoggy city air disappeared beneath the scents of carpet shampoo and disinfectant. She let the glass door thump shut. "I know, but I have something to sign off real quick. It shouldn't take long."

"This place is curiously empty."

"Slow day."

The doors leading into the main activity room swung open. Rinako peeked out before she fully emerged, a heart-shaped balloon decorated with a bandaid bobbing just above her head. Kagome watched her shyly walk over and hold it out to Sesshoumaru.

Sesshoumaru looked from Rinako to Kagome. "I have not seen her before, but she looks a lot like..."

"Her name is Rinako." Kagome bent to whisper into his ear. "She's autistic - it's a communication and sensory disorder, so don't touch her too suddenly or she'll scream at you." She smiled a little, "I think she's trying to give you a present."

"Rin...Rinako." His eyes lost a fraction of their icy glare. He gently took the balloon from her grasp. "My thanks."

"Nyahaha!" Rinako flapped her hands and smiled, her brown eyes shining. Then she caught sight of his pelt and instantly started to pet it. "Fluffy."

Sesshoumaru's tolerance for the disabled woman's antics surprised even Kagome. Rather than growl or send Rinako scurrying away with a cold look, he merely tilted his head and watched her pet his furry pelt. His eyes remained glued to hers. As is typical with autistic people, she didn't make direct eye contact and seemed interested in all the little details.

Rinako lost interest in the pelt and turned her attention to Sesshoumaru's markings. He sat perfectly still while she traced them, even letting her pull up his sleeve to see his arm better. Only when she reached for his chest did he lean away and shake his head no. She blinked.

"I think he still hurts a little from his operation," Kagome told the girl.

"Hurt?"

Sesshoumaru leaned forward, "Yes."

"Rinako..." Kagome clasped her hands together, "Do you know where Hana is?"

A huge smile spread across the girl's face. She pointed to the bathroom and turned her attention right back to Sesshoumaru. "Fluffy."

"Fluffy?" He raised a brow.

She stretched a hand past his ear to touch his hair, which was wavy from its time spent in a braid. Sesshoumaru turned his head and let her. He wrapped his pelt over his shoulder and gazed into Rinako's eyes when she reached out to stroke it again.

For a moment Kagome forgot she wasn't in the Feudal Era anymore. Then Sesshoumaru's white kung fu shirt and jeans reminded her of where in time they were.

Hana finally popped out of the restroom. "Ugh, sorry about that. Vicki spewed and I had to change." She wiped her glasses off and settled them back onto her plain face. "Hi, Sesshou! Hi, Rinako! How are you doing?"

Rinako just grunted and ran off into the activity room to play with Ken.

"I am well," Sesshoumaru replied flatly. His eyelids drooped and he looked about ready to fall over snoring, a side-effect of the Vicodin Doctor B prescribed to control his post-surgical pain. Percocet had been the first, but after the second dose he passed out and almost stopped breathing. So he was put on the Vicodin and so far seemed all right.

"Glad to see you discharged. Oh! Hold on a sec." Hana smiled into his eyes and tied his balloon to the armrest of the wheelchair. She went to her desk and returned with a blue envelope. "Here, open it."

Sesshoumaru gave the envelope an inconspicuous sniff before he used his thumb claw like a letter opener to tear across the top. He lifted out a card with a white anthromophic poodle girl wearing a stethoscope, and underneath it said: _I heard you aren't feeling so good_... Sesshoumaru's eyes tilted in amusement towards Kagome. He opened the card, where it showed the same poodle holding an arm full of red and pink hearts. Beneath the picture, it said: _...so here's a lot of love to help you feel better! Get well soon!_

Everybody in the home who knew Sesshoumaru had signed it. Ken's crude stick figure drawing of Sesshoumaru laying on a table with a doctor and nurse on either side took up the whole corner of the card's left inner flap.

Sesshoumaru lowered his head and chuckled quietly. "You are too kind."

"Oh, we totally have him fooled." Kagome grinned, hip-bumping against Hana.

Hana giggled. "Glad you like it. Aw, you look tired. Go ahead and take a nap if you want to. Kagome just needs to get something signed off. It shouldn't take more than a few minutes unless a certain doctor forgot to set out the charts."

"I'm fine. I'll wait here."

Kagome nodded once and walked down the hall with Hana. "I feel so bad taking off today, but Sesshou's so sore that I don't want to leave him alone and risk him reacting to the Vicodin like he did with the Percocet...that was really scary."

"It's okay, I can cover for you. It's really slow here today." Hana gave Kagome a pat on the shoulder. She'd recently painted her nails a pretty shade of coral pink. "How's Sesshou doing overall?"

"Real good. We safely took out all the drainage tubes."

"Really? That's great!" Hana grinned. "I swear that guy is a shark or something. He heals so damn fast. Out of the hospital in three days? Seriously?"

"Yeah..." Kagome eyed the old Edo painting when they passed it. "He's been through so much. I hope this is the last of it."

"Me, too. Oh!" She giggled, "By the way, Ken said to tell you he hopes no germs got on Sesshou's heart. He's eating right now, but I told him I'd tell you."

"Aww! Tell him he's sweet for that and that Sesshou did just fine."

Hana looked around, sighed and leaned over to whisper in Kagome's ear. "That story you've been telling him...Sesshou picked it up and he told Ken a lot more. He even got you into the storyline somehow. It's such an awesome idea, though! Like...it could be a manga someday if you talked to the right people."

Blushing, Kagome averted her eyes. "Oh, really? Wow. But I'd sound like a Mary Sue in writing."

Hana playfully slapped her arm. "You would not. Besides, you with a bow and arrow would be priceless."

They laughed amongst themselves and said their farewells. Then they separated - Hana to tend Ken and Kagome moving to finish off a chart.

Ten minutes later, Kagome returned to find Sesshoumaru dozing lightly in the chair. Half his face disappeared in the fluff of his heirloom pelt. He looked almost too sweet to disturb. His eyes opened when Kagome touched his hand.

"Ready?"

Sesshoumaru nodded once. Kagome patted his shoulder and wheeled him to the car. The drive around the block took two minutes. Four more were spent waiting for maintenance to finish cleaning the elevator.

Upon entering the apartment, Sesshoumaru slowly changed into a loose white yukata without tying it shut and parked himself on the recliner. Pulling the lever on the side, he propped his feet up and sighed. He let his head fall back against the chair's backing.

"Rinako isn't a reincarnation...I don't think. But she does remind me a great deal of Rin."

"Does it bother you?" Kagome asked. She unpacked Sesshoumaru's things, setting the stuffed dog and get well card on a shelf above the TV set.

He shook his head. "It's...comforting."

Kagome folded his clothes into a neat pile and set them in the tansu drawer. His pelt found its usual home draped along the side of his bed. She looked over and almost giggled at the sight of Sesshoumaru flopped out like a couch potato, his yukata spread wide open and his white boxers on display to the world. Tape and bandages reached from his sternum to his side. Another strip poked out the leg of his boxers, but that area didn't seem as sore as his upper body.

"Hey, is your incision bugging you?"

"No. I'm merely tired. This...Vi-co-din...you offer makes me sleepy." He closed his gilded eyes, his long eyelashes forming perfect crescents on his cheekbones. Light from the window turned his bangs into a silver veil that half-hid his eyebrows. "Pity this didn't exist right after Inuyasha cut off my arm."

"I can't imagine how bad that must have been." She perched on an arm of the chair. "But how did you survive without bleeding to death?"

"Foolish woman," Sesshoumaru half-glared, "The blood slowed once I reassumed my humanoid shape." His gaze cooled, "but the pain remained until I produced Bakusaiga."

Sympathy pain stabbed Kagome's left arm. She shook it off and reached down, gently closing Sesshoumaru's yukata so he wouldn't catch a chill. He gave her a look and opened it back up. "I'm warm enough. Leave it open."

"Fine, sorry. Um, can I bring you something cold to drink?"

That request seemed to please him. The best way to distract Sesshoumaru from a bad mood, Kagome learned, was to wait on him. And he rarely failed to need something he wouldn't otherwise ask for.

"Iced green tea." he said simply.

Kagome smiled. "Coming right up."

She pushed off the chair and headed for the kitchenette. It just so happened she'd made a container of it the night before. Her mother taught her how to make it - pour two cups of room temperature water into a container, drag two bags of green tea back and forth until the water turned green and then leave it in the fridge overnight. By morning it was the best iced green tea she ever tasted.

It tasted the best in warm weather like today.

Sesshoumaru liked his with a tiny pinch of sugar. Kagome filled a teacup to almost the brim, added in the few grains of sugar and stirred gently. She carried the cup to Sesshoumaru, bringing a few books as elevation so he wouldn't stretch his arm trying to set it down on the coffee table.

His eyes opened at the tea's scent. She felt the tips of his claws brush her hand when he closed his fingers around the teacup. He brought it to his lips, sipped and nodded his silent approval.

"Just call me if you need anything. I'm just going to be at my computer, so I'll hear you if you call me."

"Very well," Sesshoumaru relaxed fully into the chair with the teacup balanced against his chest. The cold probably seeped down and helped cool him off.

Kagome smiled at him and left him alone to rest. When she went out later to get herself some tea, she found Sesshoumaru curled up in his bed. He was an hour overdue for pain meds, and hadn't raised his voice to remind her!

"Sesshoumaru? Hey..."

Sesshoumaru's eyes fixed on her. Then he closed them and lowered his head. His body language betrayed his discomfort. Over time, perhaps unconsciously, she'd learned to recognize his nonverbal pain cues - ill temper, tense muscles, frowning, moaning, growling, grimacing, breathing hard, closing his eyes, clutching at the source of disquiet and staying very still - and she could gauge his pain levels by his behavior. At the moment, he was trying to stay as still as possible.

"I'll get you another pill, okay? I - hey...no, no," She smiled at him, "I'm not mad at you for not saying anything. But even you good-looking tough guys need a little help now and then."

Kagome left him there while she got the Vicodin bottle out of the cutlery drawer where she stashed it. Sesshoumaru never opened that drawer, and she felt it best to keep track of how much he took; it just wouldn't do if his post traumatic stress issues led to a drug addiction on top of everything else. She poured a pill out and wrote down the time and dosage on a notepad next to the phone. Then she filled a plastic drinking glass with water.

Sesshoumaru pushed himself up to sit. He moaned, held his incision site and almost fell onto his other side. Kagome swooped down, spilling half the water in the glass in her haste to catch him. She barely kept him from cracking his head on the tansu.

"Here." She gave him the chalky, oval-shaped white pill. He palmed it and gulped down the water.

"Surgery was supposed to improve me, yet I feel worse than I did before. Worse than losing my arm..." Sesshoumaru's voice remained steady despite the strained expression on his face.

"It'll pass. You were cut open and sewn back together. Are your ribs sore, too?"

Sesshoumaru growled. "Pain is nothing. Pain can be contr- _grr!_" He breathed in, let it out and his voice came out softer, more controlled, "When will this indignity be over?"

"I'm not sure. For a human, it might take a few weeks. For you...maybe a couple of days."

Kagome suddenly realized Sesshoumaru was turning into her touch, yet recoiling at the same time. She laid down on his futon, guiding him to lay with her. He curled up facing her, his forehead pressed to her chest and his fingers clinging to the edges of the lightweight green summer robe she wore over her clothes. Post-surgery pain wasn't something a person's will could just control - it was a low, deep throbbing that took a their breath away, and Sesshoumaru was feeling the pain of his heart, his ribs, his muscle tissue and his skin all at once. He clearly hadn't anticipated how much _healing_ would _hurt_.

"You don't have to hurt alone now," she whispered, stroking his hair. "It's okay to tell me when it hurts. It's _always_ okay, Sesshoumaru. I won't ever think less of you."

"It is weakness."

"No. It's _pain_. Nobody should go through it alone."

Sesshoumaru moved his face from her chest to her throat, his forehead warm against her skin. She touched his cheek with the back of her hand to make sure he wasn't feverish, but it was just his natural body heat. For him, a normal temperature was around one hundred degrees Fahrenheit, two degrees higher than a human's ninety eight point six. A fever with him was anything above one hundred and four. Once, before he woke from his long coma, she saw him spike a fever as high as a hundred and twelve on a digital thermometer. There were still so many secrets she didn't know - what could he really endure? How much could his body take? Did _he_ even know?

"_Damn_." Sesshoumaru whispered. It was soft, explosive.

"The Vicodin will kick in soon." Kagome reassured him. She lifted his hair up slightly, slipped her arms around his neck and slowly rubbed his back. When she was a little girl, own mother comforted her this way whenever she was sick. Sesshoumaru did not resist. Through his yukata, his scourging scars felt rough like snags in fine silk. She went on, "This is why you need to stay on a regular schedule, so you won't get breakthrough pain like this. It's how medicine works. I'll give you another pill in six hours, whether you have pain or not, okay?"

Sesshoumaru nodded against her throat.

Kagome held him until the Vicodin put him to sleep. He never thanked her, but he quietly accepted the next dose six hours later, and that night, he didn't protest when she settled down next to him again. She went to sleep to his breath puffing on her cheek. In the morning, she woke up to find him sleeping huddled against her side with his face buried in her hair.


	15. Chop Off the Pain

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 15  
Chop Off the Pain

o0o

Two days had passed since Sesshoumaru left the hospital. He displayed significantly less pain than before, but Kagome suspected most of that was the medication. Thankfully, he showed no signs of being dependent on the Vicodin; in fact, he seemed impatient to _stop_ taking it. He complained about how it dulled his wits, but other than that he never turned her down when she offered him a dose. She even felt safe enough to leave the bottle out for him while she went to work, and he'd write down exactly what time he took a pill. He never took more than one at a time and kept his intake to once every six hours or more - and she counted his leftovers to make sure. He was trustworthy.

At the moment, Kagome happily chattered to Sesshoumaru about her day. She didn't care whether he listened or not. Talking felt good. It let her know she wasn't alone.

"...so I walked in and found Ken and Rinako laughing their heads off at Vicki rolling around on the floor."

"Isn't Vicki helpless without her chair?" Sesshoumaru sat there with his eyes closed and his head back. A towel was tied around his neck to keep the hair trimmings Kagome was preparing to clip off from falling onto his bandages.

"Well," Kagome said, "she can crawl along the ground, it's just hard for her. When you have athetoid cerebral palsy, trying to move even your finger makes your whole body go into spasms."

"Ah."

They were quiet. Kagome grasped the ends of Sesshoumaru's bangs and measured with her fingertips. Sesshoumaru was picky about his bangs, he didn't want them any shorter than just above his eyebrows.

"Kagome."

She paused, scissors in hand. "Hm?"

He grasped the scissors and guided them to the beautiful silver waterfall spilling behind the chair. At this, Kagome's heart skipped a beat. She felt like he just asked her to take his life.

"Why?"

Sesshoumaru gazed steadily at her. "It hurts."

She blinked. "Headaches?"

"The past."

"Sesshoumaru..." Kagome tried to pull away. His hand held her in place.

"It is just hair. It will grow back."

"Your hair is so beautiful. Are you sure?"

He narrowed his eyes. "I have been considering it for weeks. Every time I look in the mirror...I see someone who looks like me, but who is not me. I don't want it long again until I'm whole. I'm _sure_, and I want you to do it. Cut it off. Change it."

"I can't - "

"You have old beauty school text books on the bookshelf in your bedroom." Sesshoumaru still held onto the scissors.

Kagome sighed, hanging her head in defeat. "I went for a year after I finished high school, but it didn't work out." She swallowed. "W-what kind of cut do you want?"

Sesshoumaru answered, "Something modern, but different. I want to be reinvented."

Heat swelled in the back of Kagome's throat. There was one cut she could still remember. It'd suit Sesshoumaru perfectly. But the idea of cutting off his beautiful hair tore her heart apart. Once the scissors closed there would be no turning back.

She trembled as she stepped behind him and began brushing his silky mane. This would be the last time she'd ever run her fingers through it, stroke it, feel its softness brush her skin. She wanted to beg him to change his mind, but this was his choice. Her voice trembled when she said, "I...I'll cut off the length of it first. Then I'll style it."

"Very well."

Kagome gathered all of Sesshoumaru's hair into her fist like a ponytail and pulled it taut. Positioning the scissors level with his shoulders, she snipped it before she could change her mind. His hair was so fine that it only took four squeezes to cut it off. The length in her hand, all four feet of it, wilted against her clenched fist, and its weight surprised her. She looked at Sesshoumaru's reflection and his face was deadpan. He reached out with his finger and pushed the tabletop mirror up until it pointed at the ceiling.

A sigh blew past her lips. She set the lengthy locks gently on the floor and started shaping what remained on his head. As she worked - holding hair between two fingers and snipping - she realized he'd never disappear. His hair was only a part of him; it wasn't _him_. He wanted a change to reflect his new life. She kept working, telling herself she'd transform him into the most gorgeous modern-day demon to walk the Earth. While she snipped, clipped and combed, she could see his hair taking on the style she was going for all on its own.

Twenty minutes later she was done and held up the mirror for Sesshoumaru to see.

His bangs were layered and the length in back feathered into a messy, wind-swept shag that ended at the base of his neck. The cut let his hair cover the pointed tips of his ears, thus complimenting the shape of his jaw. Sesshoumaru's hair proved it actually had a lot of volume to it. She just couldn't tell because its own weight held it down.

He looked oddly human with short hair. Slightly smaller and effeminate, but...human.

And still hauntingly beautiful.

Sesshoumaru twisted in the chair to look down at the discarded silver swirl on the floor. Then his eyes returned to the mirror. He ran his hand through his new hairstyle, watching it ripple under his fingers. Finally, he nodded his approval.

"When will we meet with doctor Yakamoto to face this last obstacle to my health?"

Kagome knelt and scooped up the hair pooled on the floor. It dangled in her hand, and by dead guessing she figured it weighed at least three pounds. She met his eyes. "After you get your stitches out. You're not going to just heal overnight. This is going to take a long time. I hope the doctors told you you're not supposed to lift anything heavy for awhile."

"They did, but for me that would mean I can't exert my powers."

"Right. Still, to keep your secret..."

"I know."

Sesshoumaru unfurled from the plastic patio chair, discarded the towel and knelt beside her. He wrapped his fingers around the length of his discarded hair still dangling to the floor. "Bind the end in your hand."

"Why?"

"No words, just action."

She sighed, but did as he said, using a piece of powder blue yarn sitting in a previously forgotten dish on the countertop. When she finished, he stood up and took hold of the tied end.

"Now," he whispered, "braid it tightly."

Kagome still didn't have a clue what Sesshoumaru was trying to pull this time. Sighing, she ran the comb through the lifeless hair and went to work braiding it into a long rope. A quiet word from him told her when to tie it off.

Sesshoumaru his back to her and snipped with the scissors. More silver fluff fell to the floor. Then he knelt again, laying the braid out between them. A silver rope that tapered at both ends. Kagome couldn't distinguish the side that used to be part of him from the one that hung freely in the wind.

"This is my pain, Kagome."

Her forehead wrinkled, "I don't think I follow you."

"Look." He pointed a taloned finger at the flat ends, "Can you tell where it begins or ends?"

She shook her head. "Of course not, I'm not you. Only you know where it really begins."

A smirk curled Sesshoumaru's small lips. It faded into traces of a frown. Giving his head a small shake, he stood up and pulled her upright as well. He draped the braid over her shoulders like a shawl.

The demon lord stepped back and started to walk away. What remained of his glorious silver hair fell to the nape of his neck, baring the scars on his back to the world. Clear tape and thick gauze glowed against his skin.

__

His hair was his pain...does this mean he isn't hiding behind his pain anymore?

"Sesshoumaru?"

He turned.

"Do you regret what we just did?"

"No." His voice turned wry, "but I do believe Akemi will be quite annoyed with me."

Sesshoumaru's dry humor made Kagome laugh. "You're right. But I'm the one that's dead for agreeing to cut it off."

He rolled his eyes, "It's my hair."

Kagome leaned back on her heels and watched Sesshoumaru pull on a plain gray yukata. He tied it shut this time. Without that blanket hanging over his back, she realized he wasn't going to be as warm as he used to be. The way he touched his hair and smirked, she knew he realized this too.

"You know, with that 'do, I think you'd make turtlenecks look good."

His thin eyebrow arched. "Perhaps in the winter."

"Yeah. You'd be a great model."

"For clothing...or undergarments?"

"Sesshoumaru!" She laughed and playfully slapped at his chest. He turned at just the wrong moment. Her hand smacked right against his incision.

Sesshoumaru's eyes shone bright red. Kagome's laughter died. She froze.

"Oh, my God! I'm sorry! Are you okay?"

Hissing, he grabbed her arm and pulled her face to face, his voice an acid whisper. "_Never_...strike me...in that manner again."

"It was an accident!" She felt her heart skip several beats. A coldness settled in her stomach. "Sorry! I won't. Did I hurt you?"

Sesshoumaru's eyes cooled back to amber. "I'll live."

He released his painful grip on her and climbed into his bed. If he wasn't eating or using the bathroom, he was sleeping. The blankets settled around his form like cresting ocean waves upon a sandy rock.

"Can I get you anything to eat?" she asked, her voice twisted small.

"No." Sesshoumaru twisted to look over his shoulder. His eyelids drooped, framing his gilded irises in a velvet fringe. "Once I regain full health, I won't need to eat as often as I have been."

A sigh blew past Kagome's lips. Her hands wandered down to touch to silky braid wrapped around her shoulders and looked over at the silver splayed around his head on the pillow. He was tense under the blankets, his breathing slightly hitched. That little play-slap caused him more pain than he let on.

"Can I -"

"No. Leave me."

o0o

The unusually hot fall weather broke the next morning. Kagome smiled at seeing dew on her skylight when she woke.

Sesshoumaru was already in the bathroom, gazing at his bed hair with a raised brow. When long, its own weight kept it from sticking up too much. Now, his head looked like a tornado hit it, and Kagome barely avoided breaking out in laughter. The style of cut was meant to look messy. Just...not _that_ messy.

"Here." She slid out of bed and got out her brush and comb. "Let me show you how to brush it."

"No need." Sesshoumaru said. He shook his head like a dog and ran his fingers through his hair a few times, and all of a sudden it looked perfect.

It wasn't _fair_.

Kagome grumbled about demons and their stupid, pretty hair and shooed Sesshoumaru out of the bathroom so she could get ready for work.

As predicted, Akemi froze in her tracks and gawked at Sesshoumaru upon his appearance in the therapy room doorway. He deliberately walked past her so she'd see the collar of his ivory flannel shirt wasn't merely hiding a ponytail. Akemi's brown eyes followed him over to the exercise bike.

Kagome entered right behind him. "Hi, Akemi! Where's Hana?"

"Hana's helping Ken, he spilled juice on himself and freaked out." Akemi said, running a hand through her red-streaked hair. She nodded towards Sesshoumaru, "What the hell did you do?"

"I gave him a haircut," Kagome replied, quietly amused. She hid a smile by pretending to wipe her nose.

The younger nurse chewed on her pen. "Does he even realize he looks like a woman with that haircut?"

"You insult me when you don't even remember your original hair color." Sesshoumaru never missed a beat with his pedaling. "Your insecure self-image disgusts me."

Akemi balked at him. She looked at Kagome, her mouth hanging open, "Are you just going to let him talk like that to me?"

"I'm not his mother." Kagome didn't fight her smile this time. "C'mon, it's his hair. He wanted it cut, so I did. And I think he looks good."

"It's just...so short..."

"Oh, would you get over it? C'mon, Michiko's trach is due for suction and I need to go check on Vicki and Ken."

"Mmph, fine. I'll handle Michiko, she doesn't fight me like she does others." Akemi avoided Vicki whenever she could. She chewed on a relatively new tongue piercing and flipped up a page on Michiko's chart to read over the previous day's activities. "Really though, how's he doing?"

"A hundred and ten percent better than he was before he had surgery. Even with the pain and his medication making him a little sleepy, he can do a lot more than before without getting tired." Kagome's nose wrinkled at the pungent odor of a full diaper bag sitting outside a patient's room. She shrugged it off. "It's hard to believe he used to be gorked out and helpless here."

Akemi settled the chart under her arm. "Yeah...but I better get going."

"Right. Oh, hey, what'd you do to your tongue?"

"Oh!" The younger nurse stuck her tongue out, showing off a small gauge purple barbell. It didn't look much more than a week old. "Like it?"

"Uh...I guess it suits you. But don't let the higher ups catch you with it."

Akemi rolled her eyes and smiled, "Doctor Yakamoto already saw it...he said if I keep it small he won't tell anyone. Okay, now I really gotta get going. You, me, Hana, lunch?"

Kagome checked her watch. "Sure." She watched Akemi sprint for the door and glanced over her shoulder at Sesshoumaru.

Sesshoumaru seemed off in his own little world on the bike. Much to Kagome's amusement, he was wearing his feudal era boots under his jeans - and they looked _great_. She smiled when he turned his head to stare back at her. He arched a brow, stuck his nose in the air and went back into his thoughts.

She left him there to enjoy the silence.

o0o

"Sesshou, are you sure you don't want anything more?"

"No, tea is enough."

Hana shot the demon lord a skeptical look over the rim of her glasses, shrugged and set his teacup down for him. She settled behind her own tray, which had a ham sandwich and ramen on the side. "You know, I like that haircut on you. Kinda makes you look like Spock gone punk."

Kagome, who sat across from Sesshoumaru, almost snorted her soda.

"Come to think of it," Akemi leaned over, "he does have about as much personality as a Vulcan. And he's got the ears!"

All three girls giggled.

"And you women are as noisy as the Ferangi," Sesshoumaru muttered, sipping his tea. He smirked when Kagome balked at him, "Yes, Kagome, I _do_ sometimes watch the television when I have nothing better to do. The subtitles are atrociously inaccurate, however. My English is not the best and I could translate better than whoever wrote them."

"Did you turn him into a Trekker?" Hana was a die-hard Star Trek fan. Kagome remembered visiting her house once and seeing a wall framed with autographed photos of actors on the various shows. She often had to remind the plain woman that William Shatner was old enough to be her father.

Kagome leaned back. "I didn't turn him into anything."

"Oh, give the poor man a chance to catch up. Don't forget he's been out of the loop for like thirty years or something." Akemi chimed in.

"I will never understand your obsession with this program."

With that, Sesshoumaru went quiet to finish off his tea. An odd serenity settled around his form like clouds around a storm's center.

Kagome leaned back on her chair and gazed across the table at him. He met her eyes and twitched an eyebrow. She tilted her head, arching one of hers in reply. His gilded irises flicked to the endlessly chattering Hana and Akemi and back. Nodding, she slumped her shoulders. He smirked. She smirked back.

"Feet up, please," came the tenor voice of the kitchen custodian. Everyone moved their feet to let him mop under the table and their chairs.

"Hi, Sakai!" Hana waved to the skinny custodian, getting just a quick nod in return.

Sakai worked around their table. Keys on his belt jingled in time with his quick mop-strokes as he cleaned up an old spill.

Kagome watched Sesshoumaru stare down at his half-full teacup.

"...so my mom was all 'that boyfriend of yours is such trash, tell him to get a real job!'" Akemi giggled, "She still thinks I'm thirteen!"

Hana laughed and said, "That's almost as bad as her trying to give you that business suit."

"Tch." Turning to Sesshoumaru, Akemi resumed her giggle fit. She nudged him with her shoulder, "Aren't we quiet all of a sudden?"

"Nothing to say." the demon lord replied, his voice distant. He still kept his eyes fixed on his teacup.

Sakai dragged the bucket around and started mopping behind Sesshoumaru's chair. Sesshoumaru's pupils abruptly dilated. Suddenly, he hunched his shoulders, sweat beading around his hairline. Kagome noticed right away. She leaned forward to try and catch his attention, but he wouldn't look up. He started panting. Finally, the teacup in his hand crumbled. Hot tea spilled over his fingers.

"...that's when I walked in and -" Akemi stopped giggling, "Sesshou? Are you all right?"

The mop continued its motion. Sakai's keys slammed together.

"Kagome, he's bleeding."

Kagome caught Sesshoumaru's wrist. Blood dripped from between his clenched fingers to create scarlet patterns on the plastic tabletop. "I got it."

The second Kagome touched him, he jerked to his feet. His sudden movement knocked Sakai down and sent his chair crashing to the floor. He backed against the wall and looked around, eyes glazed, a slack-jawed expression of utter terror on his face. Whatever he saw, it wasn't the cafeteria.

"What's his problem?" Akemi stood up and reached for his arm, "Hey, are you all right?"

"Akemi, don't touch him!"

"What?"

"Just don't."

"He has PTSD, Akemi, something's triggered him." Hana gazed at Kagome with sympathetic eyes. She helped Sakai up and checked him over for injuries. "C'mon, let's leave him and Kagome alone for a few while I get doctor Yakamoto."

Meanwhile, Kagome walked into Sesshoumaru's line of sight. She kept both hands in front of her in attempt to appear non-threatening. "Sesshoumaru? It's Kagome..."

Sesshoumaru sniffed his wounded hand, licked it clean of blood and growled at her.

"Sessh -"

Footsteps approached. A dark haired figure appeared in Kagome's peripheral vision. "What set him off?"

She turned, her eyes swollen with unshed tears. "Kanrau...I, I don't know. Sakai was mopping behind him and...maybe it was his keys jingling."

Nodding once, Kanrau approached Sesshoumaru and put both hands on his shoulders. He gave him a tiny shake. "Sesshou, you're safe. What you heard was a man's keys. Nobody here is going to hurt you. You're safe. You're _safe_."

Sesshoumaru grimaced. He acted deaf to Kanrau's voice and turned his head to the side. Kanrau moved one hand in to touch his throat, checking his pulse. He frowned. "Kagome, there's an amp of Ativan and a syringe in my coat pocket. Give it to him."

"But - "

"Do it! I can't keep my grip without hurting him!"

"You won't hurt hi- "

"No...I am not your pet!" Sesshoumaru's eyes blazed red. "_Die!_" He jammed his claws deep into Kanrau's left shoulder and lunged to bite him right in the face. Kanrau ducked the demon's razor teeth and grunted as crimson swirled into the white fabric of his coat.

__

He's going to melt him! Kagome gasped and pulled the medicine from Kanrau's pocket. It only took her a second to fill the syringe and flick out the air bubbles. She jammed the needle into the vein in Sesshoumaru's hand and pressed the plunger.

Sesshoumaru's eyes faded to amber and fluttered. He swayed until he sagged into Kanrau's arms. Kanrau sank to his knees with him. He guided the demon to lay on his side, pried the claws out of his shoulder and put pressure on the wounds.

"He's out...go get a gurney," Kanrau clenched his teeth and grimaced. "Damn, this _burns!_"

Wringing her hands, Kagome stood over them. "You should get that checked out."

"Let's get him into a quiet room first."

Ten minutes later, Kagome loaded a suture needle into the needle holder and gazed down at the four bloody holes in Kanrau's muscular shoulder. The wounds looked like four scarlet mouths emitting yellow iodine drool. Sesshoumaru managed to get his claws through two layers of cloth and skin. Two more seconds of that and he would've injected a full dose of acid. Fortunately, the Ativan knocked him out before he could do too much damage. A saline wash prevented further contamination and gave Kagome a clear view to work with.

She'd almost expected to find a spider tattoo on Kanrau's back when he shed the clothes on his upper body. His back was flawless, not even a freckle. He wasn't as muscular as Sesshoumaru, but he was toned and she could tell he worked out.

"He got into the subcutaneous layer. I'll have to stitch deep. The good news is they only need about two stitches each."

"Compared to what he's dealing with, this is nothing." He glanced over his shoulder, "I trust you."

__

You're lucky he didn't melt you right there. Kagome bit her lip and guided the needle under the edge of the first laceration. She pulled it across the small red valley, poked it up and curved it back, pulling the wound shut from the bottom. "Are you numb enough?"

"Is the needle in?"

"Heh, I'm suturing right now. I guess that's a yes."

Kanrau chuckled, then sighed and looked over at the door. A few nurses peered in through the blinds. All ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the handsome doctor's pecs. They could stare, but none could hear through the soundproof door.

"I guess I should count myself lucky. He could've killed me right there."

"He..." Kagome bit her lip and clipped off the first two sutures. She poked the needle into the next wound, "he can drip poison or acid from his claws. You're really lucky he didn't get a chance to really let loose."

Kanrau took his glasses off and closed his spindle-shaped eyes. "God, I can't imagine what it must be like to fall unconscious somewhere and wake up...how long was he really out?"

"More than three hundred years."

"Yeah...everything and everyone he knows is gone."

__

Not everyone...he still has me. The thought made her smile. She finished off the last suture and taped white gauze over the doctor's shoulder. "Okay, you're done."

"Thanks a lot." Kanrau pulled his shirt back up, much to the dismay of the nurses peering in, and began to button it shut. "I noticed Sesshou got a haircut."

"Ah, yeah, he said it had too many memories and he wanted to get rid of it. I think it looks good on him...Akemi was pretty pissed though."

"As if she has any room to talk. If she shows up with a barbell any bigger than the one she's got, she won't be allowed to work until she takes it out." His eyebrows drew together, wrinkling his otherwise smooth brow. He slid his glasses back on and focused his dark eyes on hers, "Do you think I'm being too lenient with her?"

Kagome's lips twisted to the side. She shrugged, her mind still wrapped around Sesshoumaru. Even though he was about three halls away, she could still feel his aura flailing in complete disarray like a calm pond after someone threw a grenade into the water. "You know how she is."

"Yeah, I do, and I don't know if she should really be working in a place like this. She makes mistakes that blow my mind. Miscounting the narcotics, leaving pills out - you just can't do that here." He stood up, white coat falling into place around his gray slacks. "I'll admit she comes through when it's important, but I just don't know about her personality."

"Well...you could always nudge her to try out modeling Lolita fashion."

A wry smile curled his mouth into a mischievous crescent. "Suuuure." And louder, he went on, "And I suppose all the nurses gathered around the door have patients to attend to."

Footsteps broke off in all directions.

He shook his head. "Let's go check on Sesshou."

Relief washed over Kagome. Nodding once, she tossed her gloves into the trash with the suture packaging and followed Kanrau down the hall. Their shoes tapped on the white floor until they reached the correct door. An elderly man with a loaded diaper shuffled by, searching for his nurse. Kaoru hurried up to collect him, and waved as she led him away.

Kagome waved back and cracked the door open. Sesshoumaru wasn't on the bed.

"Sesshou?"

"Behind the door, I can see his hair," whispered Kanrau. "Edge in slow, I'll close it behind us. He may still be delusional."

Swallowing a lump in her throat, Kagome licked her dry lips and slid into the room. The dryness stuck her tongue to the roof of her mouth and made her long for a drink of cold water. She was terrified of what she might find.

There sat Sesshoumaru, knees to chest, against the wall behind the door. Sweat plastered his mussed hair to his forehead and the back of his neck and made his pale skin glisten. His dilated eyes gazed straight ahead at the gurney the way prey stared down a predator. He was fighting the Ativan.

"Sesshou..."

His nose twitched.

Kanrau's careful hands touched her shoulders. "Identify yourself," he whispered, "he may not recognize you right now."

"Sesshou, it's Kagome."

He closed his eyes tightly. Perspiration droplets slid down the side of his face like tears.

Kanrau knelt beside him, "Can I listen to your heart?"

Sesshoumaru's legs relaxed. He remained still while the doctor gently touched the stethoscope to his chest. Seeing him just submit made tears well in Kagome's eyes. She wiped them off with the heel of her hand. The Sesshoumaru she remembered from centuries ago wouldn't stand for such treatment.

"The valve's okay, Kagome."

A sigh hissed through her teeth, "good, good..."

"Kagome."

Both froze at hearing Sesshoumaru's voice.

"I'm here," said Kagome. She eased herself to sit beside him.

He stared straight into her eyes. "Kill me."

"_What?_"

"I did not stutter." His gilded orbs peered through her like she didn't even exist. "Fill a syringe with morphine and kill me."

Kagome felt hot trails blaze down her cheeks. The back of her throat tasted salty. "How can you want to die now? After going through that surgery to save your heart, too! Why?"

He pulled his knees back to his chest and let his forehead fall against them, muffling his soft voice, "I didn't think I would survive the surgery, but I didn't want to die of something pathetic like heart failure. I...I thought Doctor B would make a mistake with the scalpel and kill me."

"Suicide isn't the answer, Sesshou," Kanrau leaned forward, "I can help you if you let me."

"It isn't suicide unless I kill myself, and such is dishonorable. Tch, dishonor...I've dishonored my heritage more times than my father...I have no dignity...this is not life for me anymore." Sesshoumaru took a shuddering breath. "You would be helping me if you just killed me...I want silence...no more dreams, no more thoughts...no more voices...grrr...just give me a blade."

Kagome sobbed and buried her face in his shoulder, "No...nonono, Sesshou, please stop talking like this!"

Kanrau's pager beeped. The doctor made a dismayed noise and reached down to check it. He pursed his lips, squinting, "I have to go, they're short at the hospital and a load of MVA victims are going to arrive in about ten minutes...I can't ignore this, but I'll be back ASAP. Stay with Sesshou until I get back."

"I won't move from here."

The door slid open and thumped shut.

"Sesshoumaru..."

The demon lord's face remained buried in his knees. Dried blood still clung to his hand. Dim twilight sunbeams shone through the blinds to create horizontal stripes across his form. Strands of his silver hair stuck up at random, gleaming almost iridescent every time his breath made his head rise and fall.

Kagome looped her arms around his middle. "C'mere."

Sesshoumaru unfolded into her arms like a wet noodle. His head came to rest on the slope of her breast and he wrapped his arms around her waist. Thyme, the scent of his sweat, swirled thickly in the air. She ran her fingers through his hair, leaning down to touch her lips to his cheek.

"I know how much you miss them...I miss them too."

"You do not see them out of the corners of your eyes every moment of every day. You do not hear them asking you why you're alive while they remain dead." His voice quivered, "You don't have nightmares where the faces of people who hurt you are replaced with those of your loved ones. How can you understand?"

"I don't, but I can try."

"No." He closed his eyes, "Please...end this."

"No!" She held him tighter, "I can't! I won't!"

"Why?"

"I-" Kagome bit her lip, afraid of what awaited her when she finished her sentence, "I...because I love you."

That shut him up...for a moment, anyhow. She felt his eyes scrutinize every inch of her tear-streaked face. His golden orbs ripped her apart one section at a time until her beating heart was all that remained.

"I knew."

Kagome's heart skipped a beat. "All along?"

Red eyelids fluttered shut, two separate butterfly wings resting on aristocratic cheekbones. Small, perfect lips parted to form, "I'm not blind, Kagome. I can recognize love in a woman's eyes just as easily as anger, pain or terror." He shifted to sit against the wall again. The Ativan kept threatening to put him to sleep, but he snapped his head back up every time he started to nod off. "Loving me can only end with you in pain."

"I'm willing to take the risk."

Sesshoumaru growled. "Purify me, miko."

__

Sesshoumaru... She took his hand, examining his wounded palm. The cuts were already scabbed over and showed no signs of glass trapped underneath. "Dying isn't the answer, Sesshoumaru. It's giving up."

"It's...it's complicated." He hid his face again, "I just want silence. No voices, no chains, no insults and no crying. I haven't slept well since I gained enough strength to regain consciousness. If only I could take that medication they gave me hours before my surgery...I had no dreams, it was as peaceful as my coma."

She chewed her bottom lip, scared of what the answer to her next question would be. "Is that why you went to sleep like that? To escape...this?"

Sesshoumaru nodded once, slowly, never taking his eyes away from his knees. "After a while, I didn't want to wake up. And then...I just couldn't...I struggled a few times a month."

A light bulb flashed above Kagome's head. "Every now and then your vitals used to go through the roof...everybody freaked out at first. Right before you woke up for good, you were vegetative. Awake without being aware, and then you woke up for real and you know the rest." She managed a small smile even though the rest of her wanted to cry. "Sometimes I held you and wondered how long it'd been since you had arms around you."

Gold eyes stared at her.

She gazed gently back. "If you ever want to be held, just come to me. You don't have to explain."

A strange look flickered through his eyes. He fixed them back into his lap and hugged his knees with one arm. The cavern of his lap muffled his speech. "Did I ever tell you exactly why I waited so long to speak in words?"

Kagome shook her head, but didn't say anything. If talking kept Sesshoumaru stable, she'd let him recite the alphabet for all she cared. Just so long as it meant he wouldn't hurt himself or anybody else.

"I was afraid."

"Why?"

"I wanted to be sure you weren't just another elaborate hallucination. Like Rin..." Sesshoumaru stared straight ahead now, his eyes haunted in the yellow streetlight coming through the window. Sunset had long since passed and Tokyo's city lights illuminated the night. "Even as I speak, I see her leaning over my left shoulder. I feel her hair brush my skin and hear her breath in my ear. And Inuyasha..." his gaze drift slightly to the right, "...sits on the bed, polishing Tetsusaiga. I can smell his scent and hear him huffing about my poor excuse of a heart."

__

Inuyasha? Kagome instinctively jerked her head towards the empty gurney. Naturally it was vacant, the blankets in disarray due to Sesshoumaru flinging them off.

"They are always there, Kagome...following me. And in the light of the full moon, I relive their deaths." Then his face twisted, "And in my dreams...they become my tormentors. I don't know why...but they whip me, mock me."

Kagome kept rubbing his back, letting him talk.

Sesshoumaru pressed a shaking hand to his sweaty brow. "I know they aren't real. I'm not a fool. But...I can't escape them. What if one day I lose the ability to determine flashbacks and hallucinations from reality?"

"Shhh..." Kagome scooted over and hugged him again. He stiffened at her touch, but didn't pull away. "Look at me."

Amber eyes rose to meet hers. They shone with unshed tears.

"No matter what happens, Sesshoumaru, I'm real." She cupped his face in both hands. "Me, Hana, Akemi, Kanrau, Ken, Vicki, Rinako and anybody else you meet here is real. When it gets bad, just remember that I'm real and willing to help you."

He exhaled slowly, bathing her in lemony breath from the tea he drank earlier. Right then his eyes were more beautiful than ever before. Then they swirled openly, and then his pupils abruptly closed into spindle shapes and his eyes were once again opaque. Just like that his face was deadpan again. His brow wrinkled. He pulled back and pushed himself to stand.

"Where are you going?"

"Restroom," he replied.

Kagome nodded and pointed to the adjoining bathroom. Sesshoumaru slipped inside, closing the door behind him.

Just then, the door leading outside swung open. Kanrau poked his dark head in. City lights flickered across his glasses lenses, "How's everything?"

"It's all right. He's just using the bathroom."

"Ah," Kanrau slid in and closed the door. He had a few bloodstains on his white coat and sported a faint five o'clock shadow. "Kagome, would you mind bringing Sesshou to my place and staying the night? I had time to think about it on my way back here. He's unstable, and there's no telling what he might do if he gets triggered again. We can take shifts sitting up and keeping an eye on him until this blows over. I can give him something to help him sleep - "

That was the best idea Kagome heard all day. "Got room for us?"

He looked amused, "One guest spot you two can share. Used to be my dad's sleeping area, but he had Alzheimer's and died about six years ago."

"Oh...I'm sorry."

"Nah, he was old and ready to go." The handsome doctor made a dismissive gesture. "He was the reason I got into medicine in the first place."

"That's - "

A creak sounded as the bathroom door swung open.

"The toilet is clogged," Sesshoumaru said. Behind him, the smell of feces and sewage floated into the air and he made every effort to breathe through his mouth.

"Gah, what? What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything other than -" he sneered, "oh why am I even telling you this? It wasn't my doing, it refuses to flush."

Kanrau slapped a hand to his forehead. "Ah! That toilet is always fussy. Use the spigot and press the flusher and see if that helps."

Sesshoumaru disappeared again. After a few minutes the hiss of the toilet flushing filtered from behind the door. Kagome heard him wash his hands. He re-emerged, face unreadable. She had to admit - having toilets was a lot nicer than sneaking into a bush and hoping nobody happened upon her.

"Can we please go?" Kagome fanned her face, "The smell is making me gag."

"Please." Sesshoumaru added.

"Sure." Kanrau shed his white coat on the way out and placed it in the laundry chute. His ID was clipped to his shirt pocket and he made every effort not to rattle his keys when he took them out. "Don't worry, Sesshou, we're right here with you."

"Stop patronizing me." Sesshoumaru replied. He sounded more like himself, which Kagome took as a good sign.

Kanrau politely led them outside to his brown pickup truck. "I'll swing past your place first, Kagome, so you can pack a few overnight things."

"Wait, what is this?" Sesshoumaru gave them both a hard stare.

"We're going to stay at Kanrau's house for awhile." Kagome replied. She took his arm, gently, and leaned against him. "He can help you if you have another nightmare. Is that okay with you?"

"Hn." He hung his head, sighed and nodded. "Perhaps that is wise."

The driver's side door of the pickup creaked open. Kagome heard Kanrau unlock the passenger side and climbed in. Sesshoumaru joined her, and she found herself sandwiched between them.

Within seconds of buckling his seatbelt, Sesshoumaru's nose started sniffing. His eyes moved to the pine tree air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror. He sneezed twice, sniffled and wiped his nose. In a motion neither human could see, he snatched the air freshener and melted it in his hand.

Kanrau's face colored a little. "Erm...allergic to the new car smell?"

Sesshoumaru just shot the doctor a look.

"Riiiight." Kanrau eased the clutch into reverse. In a few moments they were on the road.

"Wake me when we arrive." Sesshoumaru said. He put his head back against the seat and went right to sleep. Once they reached Kagome's house, Kanrau got out so they didn't have to wake him up. Kagome quickly packed a few essentials into the yellow backpack she never thought she'd be using again. Sesshoumaru was snoring when she returned to the truck.

"Got everything?"

She nodded to Kanrau, and the brown pickup drove off into the night.

o0o END OF CHAPTER o0o

For anyone who's curious, Sesshoumaru's haircut looks like cut on this Asian model: .

Same haircut anime style: . (Muraki from Yami no Matsui, but imagine shorter bangs)


	16. The Notebook

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 16  
The Notebook

o0o

"I admit, I wasn't really prepared for anybody to come over. So I'm sorry for the cheap dinner. It's the fastest thing I can whip up in a crunch."

"Kanrau, stop apologizing, this's great sukiyaki," Kagome chided as she let Kanrau offer her a second helping. Its flavor melted on her tongue. She shifted on her zabuton, "Too bad Sesshou didn't want to eat, he doesn't know what he's missing."

"I gave him another injection of Ativan," said Kanrau. He partook of his rice bowl, swallowed and continued, "...he said he just wanted to sleep tonight."

Sighing, Kagome looked past Kanrau where she could see Sesshoumaru through the half-open fusuma door. Sesshoumaru slept with his back to them, short silver hair splayed on the pillow like a halo. He snored softly. Sesshoumaru never snored during a dream, so the sound of sawing logs told Kagome that he was fully relaxed and dead asleep. The futon he slept on cradled his long body and the sheet seemed almost too thin to provide him warmth.

"If I bring it to his attention that he snores, he always denies it," she mused, "Is he still delusional?"

"I don't know, he just asked for the Ativan and laid himself down to sleep. But...heh...right before I gave it to him, he said he wants to make dinner tomorrow." Kanrau's amusement showed in the tilt of his brown eyes. He'd let his hair down so it fell in inky waves around his granite-gray pajamas.

"Sesshou cooks?"

He shrugged, "Don't ask me. He just said he wanted to prepare something more traditional to his kind. I have no idea what he'll do. He won't even let me know what he's planning."

Kagome laughed and stared down into her empty rice bowl. The yukata she borrowed was a little too big and felt too loose around her frame. She kept worrying it would suddenly gape open to flash more than she'd like to show. "I can't wait to see what kind of food he likes...honestly I think he just ate what I gave him to humor me. Used to be he claimed that he didn't eat human food."

"You make some mean ramen, Kagome." Kanrau said with a smile, "Done?"

"Huh?" She blushed, "Oh, yeah."

Kanrau began to clean up the table, waving Kagome off when she tried to help. His quick movements stirred the family name scroll hanging in the tokonoma behind him. "I'm kind of curious actually. Sesshou is really going to show us a real life demon meal ritual...he said he hadn't done this since his parents passed."

"Sesshoumaru...his name is really Sesshoumaru." she dipped her head, watching Kanrau's hair move against his back. "I just hope the food he makes isn't some raw meat - "

"Nah. Not raw for us, anyway. He promised." He set plates aside to dry, "I bet it'll - "

They both stopped when Sesshoumaru groaned and sat up. His eyes were half-closed and devoid of focus.

Kagome knew that look. He was about to sleepwalk.

"Kanrau."

The doctor turned to look over his shoulder. "Shh, let's see what he does. Don't disturb him."

Sesshoumaru crawled off the mat, curled up in the corner and stared blankly at invisible attackers. He lay there on his side, ankles pressed together and hands clasped to his chest, gasping. Tortured noises rasped from his throat. This was the part Kagome hated...that whimpering sound. A noise that had no business even existing on his vocal cords.

__

Damn whoever did this to him...damn them all.

Kanrau started, "Looks like he was bound by the feet with his hands on - "

"His true form is a giant dog. He's a dog demon." Kagome stood at the doorway, whispering, "The only thing I can think of is he was in his true form when this happened, but who would be strong enough to take him down?"

"That's...rough." The tatami mat creaked under his bare feet. "What pulls him out of it?"

"It used to be I'd just open a can of formula for him, but I can't do that now that he's off tube feedings." Kagome found herself at a loss for what to do. None of the websites about post traumatic stress disorder offered any understandable details without subscribing to endless mailing lists or going into a bunch of psychiatric terms she never covered in medical school. "Should I just wake him up?"

"Only if you're suicidal." Kanrau held his chin between thumb and forefinger, blinked and looked over at the few items Kagome brought along from home, "How about that big furry thing of his...wrap yourself in it and approach him. I'll be right behind you just in case he freaks out."

She sighed, "I just want him well again...or at least well enough to function."

"Me too...I'll do my best once his stitches come out and he isn't so sore anymore." Kanrau handed Sesshoumaru's heavy pelt over, watching while she twined it around her body. "Now, go to him real slow."

Swallowing, Kagome put aside all other thoughts and approached Sesshoumaru's trembling form. She settled down right in front of him. He was in the fetal position now, shaking like a leaf and soaked in sweat. His raspy breathing sliced through the silence.

"Sesshoumaru, shhhh, it's okay."

Sesshoumaru's eyes shone crimson. A low growl rumbled in his chest. Kagome blushed when she realized he was naked. He'd been sleeping in the nude ever since he complained that the stitches in his side and groin bothered him at night. His only cover was his little 'loincloth' of hair, but even that didn't help much due to him being halfway into a sleep-erection.

"Hey, quiet, nobody's going to hurt you. Here," Kagome slid the heirloom pelt off and laid it across Sesshoumaru's pale body.

The demon instantly curled into his familiar fur. Whatever nightmare he had, it was over. He let Kagome lead him back to bed and pull the covers up to his upturned shoulder. His snoring resumed a few moments later.

"I take it that was a 'good' one."

She looked over her shoulder and swallowed, nodding. In the low light Kanrau really was Naraku's identical twin.

"Sometimes he snarls and lashes out at me if I come too close and I have to wait it out." Kagome looked down, stroking Sesshoumaru's silver head to offer any solace she could. Sweat slicked the ends to his neck and forehead. "I think the Ativan helps lower the intensity of his dreams."

"PTSD is pretty rough. My dad had it, but controlled it with meds until his dying day. The Alzheimer's exacerbated it a lot."

"Oh, God, that had to be horrible! Hana knew someone who had it too."

Kanrau's eyes lowered, "Yeah. Dad was born in Hiroshima just a few days before they dropped the A-bomb. My grandparents got vaporized in the blast. He wound up being raised by his uncle and grew up to be a doctor. I wanted to follow his footsteps, but I also liked history too. So I dabbled in both and..." he gestured around himself, "well, I never imagined I'd ever run into a relic like Sesshoumaru the way I did."

"Yeah, it's pretty shocking isn't it?" Dipping her head a bit, Kagome closed her eyes, "Kanrau, do you remember when you told me you read that scroll about Naraku? That he was defeated by Kikyo's reincarnation from the future?"

He nodded, "Mmhmm."

"That..." she took a deep breath and gazed down at Sesshoumaru's soft hair. A flash of Inuyasha flickered across her mind, "that was me."

Narrow brown eyes opened to perfect almond-shapes. "Get out of here, really? I have a hard time believing that."

Kagome gently withdrew from Sesshoumaru's sleeping frame and stood up. She gestured towards the next room, her heart thudding in her ears. This was the first time she'd ever told anybody outside her family about her adventures in the Feudal Era. An odd relief blanketed her senses. Finally, after all these years, she wasn't carrying everything all by herself.

They sat across from each other at the kitchen table. Kagome arranged herself on the zabuton and began to speak, starting with the day the centipede demon dragged her down the well and ending at the date she lost Inuyasha forever. She told him all about the friends she made. Tears left trails on her cheeks as she reached the end of her tale, but she wiped them away and went on to explain how Sesshoumaru came back into her life.

It all got to be too much and Kagome had to stop. "It's just so wrong to see him like this. He used to be so strong, almost invincible...I mean, I can fix his body up just fine. But his mind, his soul..."

"Shhh," Kanrau's hand settled on her shoulder, squeezing gently. He sat facing to the side, head down, glasses low on his nose. Waves of oil blackness hung in eerie streaks around his shoulders. "I don't know what I can say to make you feel better, Kagome, I can't imagine going through that kind of pain. I'm sorry you lost Inuyasha that way."

"It was ages ago," she took a deep breath and rested her hand over the one on her shoulder. "Kanrau, what if your attempts to treat his mental trauma just make him worse?"

"I don't know. We have to wait and see."

A hot lump formed in her throat. "If he winds up in an asylum, they'll treat him for being sane. And we can't tell anyone that his stories about the Feudal Era are true or he'd wind up locked up for study. They'd take away his personality and turn him into a drugged zombie of a man...I can't let that happen to him."

Kanrau said nothing and just kept squeezing her shoulder in silent reassurance while she cried quietly into her palm.

o0o

Kagome worried so much about Sesshoumaru that she couldn't sleep at all. Kanrau took catnaps on and off, but barely an hour went by without him poking his head in to check on them both.

She finally gave up, crawled to his notebooks and flipped through them. Most of them had sketches of the moon in various phases. Sesshoumaru was surprisingly good at drawing. The last notebook was full of writing. Sesshoumaru had maddeningly small handwriting, yet the volumes that he wrote made her realize he wrote small to save space. She scooted over by the dim floor lamp and began to read:

__

It was raining, the water pouring off the trees and matting my hair to my face. Somehow I was watching Inuyasha crying out at the empty space where the miko girl stood only a second previous. His wood smoke scent mixed with the salt of tears and pain.

Every inch of my mind screamed to go to Inuyasha. Yet a cold indifference came over me and I turned away, walking off utterly unmindful of the rain.

I led Rin to a human village and left her there. She was not pleased, but I told her it was for her safety. She needed to be around humans. She spent five years in the village with the miko - Kaede, I think - and then one stormy night she found me in the forest. I never asked her to leave again, and so we journeyed together. Her presence made my solitude less empty.

Three years after that, I sent Jaken back to his people. They had fallen into unrest without a leader. He protested, naturally, the loyal fool...how could he know any different? He was aging, and though he wouldn't show it he struggled to keep up with me. After so many years of faithful service, I felt that he...deserved...the rest.

He died two days later. I expected as much, and I didn't mourn for long, but it took Rin nearly a year to say his name without tears.

The longer I walked, the more the years passed. Sunrises blended into sunsets. Moon phases melted together. Seasons passed in fast forward. Decades flipped by like the pages of a book. Rin grew, bloomed, shimmered and aged.

One night, I settled myself on a futon to go over some meaningless treaties to clear up a border dispute. All light came from the full moon and a single candle on the table. Rin appeared beside me, hair streaked gray and innocent face marked with lines of age. When had she grown up? When had she grown old?

With a smile she offered me a purple wildflower. I accepted it in silence. Its scent didn't disguise the slowing of the little woman's blood. Knowing Rin was about to die filled this Sesshoumaru's chest with an odd pain. I never imagined this goodbye would be this painful.

'This Rin will always love Lord Sesshoumaru,' her eyes said.

I replied by lowering my head and touching my lips to my dearest friend's wrinkled brow.

Neither of us spoke. I simply watched Rin lean against my left side and close her eyes. My intense ears followed Rin's heartbeat as it faded to silence. The candle on the desk went out.

All I could feel was the weight of my dearest companion's now soul-less body. I kept my eyes straight ahead, but lowered my right hand to cup the back of Rin's head and pull her to my chest. The flower Rin gave me drifted, forgotten, to the floor.

Before I knew it I was kneeling over Rin's grave in the snow, placing wildflowers from all over the land on the soft mound. I wanted to weep. Pride wouldn't allow it.

"Without you, I am a candle with no flame," I said flatly.

Snow fell gently to coat my hair in crystal softness. I heard it whispering as it hit the ground, the sound barely louder than butterfly wings.

There was no place left in the world for me.

I was all alone.

Days grew darker. Spring had no beauty. Time continued its cruel march, everything changing except for me.

I found myself traveling all over the countryside. People had forgotten me, or wrote about my presence in fairy stories. Some mis-took me for a wandering angel. Once, I even watched an artist begin painting a perfect image of my castle with a red sun in the background. It touched me so much I returned to the castle and watched the man paint from my front window. His eyes lit up when he saw me there and he quickly added something to his work.

My heart felt like glass. I started dulling the pain with chemicals like opium and alcohol, but they only offered a brief reprieve. In the end, I lost days, only recalling awakenings and retiring.

I gave up the chemicals. The following days became agony.

Home stopped feeling like home. I was restless. Life only felt comfortable when I traveled.

Time offered itself to me in the form of nights filled with stars and days where the sun became blinding. Silence became my only companion.

Before my eyes the Sengoku melted into the Edo period. The day it changed began in a terrible, driving rainstorm. I walked into a town called Sekigahara, noticing the eerie silence. But I could smell many, many humans. I knew instantly who came from the east and who came from the west.

And I watched in stillness as samurai and ronin warriors surged forth from all directions. Blood, gore and bodies spilled across the mud. Occasionally, if someone came too close, I decapitated them with their own katana blades. I picked fallen men up and threw them back into the melee. Western warriors, eastern warriors, I did not play favorites.

By noon the battle was over. Tokugawa Ieyasu, I learned, was the warlord who won. Three years later, I was there when he became Shogun and established the Tokugawa Shogunate. He was a very ugly human with a face like an elephant's rump. Even though I didn't make my presence obvious, the new Shogun still managed to lock eyes with me during the ceremony. He knew what I was.

The road called again. With nowhere to go, I followed.

And I found Inuyasha.

He was living in a tiny hut near the edge of Edo. Wrinkles and age spots marred his features - as a hanyou, he aged more like a human - but he still smelled like wood smoke, and thus would never be beyond recognition. Despite his age, his eyes still had their youthful sparkle. He seemed just as alone as I.

For a long time, days, I didn't make my presence known to him. I chose instead to watch him from afar. Every morning he would come outside to watch the sunrise, mix himself a cold stew and spend the day tending his small crop. He always emerged again to watch the sun go down.

I took to checking in on him once a week, sometimes leaving money or fresh meat. Inuyasha seemed to know it was me.

One day, as the sun grew red and swollen, Inuyasha failed to appear.

I discovered him on the floor next to his cooking hibachi, clutching at his chest. I helped him to bed and gazed down at his frail form lying on the dark futon. His silver hair, mussed as always, fanned out around his head.

He smelled of encroaching death.

"Why do you keep looking out for me?" he asked, still groggy.

"Atonement." was my casual reply.

"Mm, ah, I see." A small laugh made his chest hitch. "Just like old times eh? Youyou used to look out for me a lot like this."

"I remember. You always were a troublemaker." I lowered my head, my bangs shielding my eyes and the sadness within.

"Oh, yeah...remember that food fight that turned your hair pink for a month?"

A groan formed in my throat. I looked away, sneering at recalling the humiliation. "My only consolation is I managed to turn yours green."

"Mother was pissed."

For a moment I recalled how Izayoi walked in on us while we were still wrestling in a cloud of food dye. Even in his youth he made me want to kill him. The woman swung Inuyasha over her knee to give him a spanking. I stood back and smirked until I was sternly told to start scrubbing the floor. Such was beneath me, and I refused to comply. She was a mere human, after all, and I complied with no human!

The memory made me flinch. To this day I still feel insulted by her foolish demand.

"At you," I said smoothly, "after all, you started it."

"She was mad when you walked out and ignored her."

I scowled at him. "As if I would bow to the whims of a mere human."

Inuyasha quieted and squeezed his eyes shut. Sweat formed on his skin. He really appeared to be in agony. How could he smile in the middle of a heart attack about to end his life?

"Ever miss the old days?"

"Occasionally," I replied heavily. "You should be quiet and save your strength."

"In a minute." Inuyasha's fingers indented his shirt, trying to soothe himself. "No, wait." His skin turned sickly pale. "I think..." he tried to lift his head, "I just wanted to tell you that I always...I wanted to be what you are."

"No, Inuyasha." I reached my right hand out and placed it over Inuyasha's wrinkled one. It felt like bony ice on my palm. "You've felt the pull of time. It changed you. I will never know that feeling. I can not die in the same way you will. You still have someone to remember you. Myself? I will die the slow death of being forgotten."

"I won't forget you." His eyes watered visibly. "Just like I won't forget her. I would have married her. I still love her."

My heart quivered. "Never stop."

I began to withdraw. Inuyasha grabbed my arm and rasped, "Still hate me?"

The question caught me off guard. There were so many things left unsaid, and I could not bring the words to my lips. I looked away, and didn't answer.

Inuyasha spilled a few quiet tears. He sighed, eyes fluttering, "You ever fall in love?"

I lowered my head, feeling my bangs brush my cool brow. I couldn't help but wonder if he knew how much pain I was in right then. "Not in the sense you imply, no, but I have been loved."

"I know you can feel," Inuyasha panted, his eyes starting to close. Another tear skittered down his cheek. "My death is all over your face."

Did I give so much away with my expression? I was slipping, feh.

"I now understand why humans cry." I knelt and caught the tear on my thumb. "But a heart of ice doesn't break, it shatters into thousands of pieces."

"That's one fucked up excuse of a heart." Inuyasha coughed a laugh.

"It beats coldly."

"Yeah? Ice always melts in the spring."

"Spring doesn't come to this Sesshoumaru anymore." I allowed myself a brief chuckle. "But thank you for trying."

"Maybe it just...hasn't come...yet." Inuyasha squeezed my hand and clutched his chest. "Hey...you laughed! If you can laugh, you can cry, too. Don't be an emotionless bastard forever."

"Old habits die hard, little brother."

"Keh. Totosai was right, you are a shit."

Amused, I tilted my head down at him. His lips suddenly turned as blue as the veins in my wrist.

"Hey...if you live long enough to find her..." he struggled for a breath, "take care of her...for me. Promise me. You'll never be...be alone if you're with her." Another gasp, "Promise."

My eyes turned cold, boring into his skull. "I don't make promises I can not keep."

He glared back. "You bastard."

"I am not the half-breed, Inuyasha."

"You'd look pretty stupid with dog ears, anyway." He started to laugh, "Big, stupid, floppy ears."

Inuyasha was still laughing when his eyes suddenly rolled back. The wind carried his last wave of laughter away, freezing the smile on his face for all eternity. My nose instantly detected the involuntary discharge of wastes that often accompanied sudden death. The scent curled in the air like smoke. I ignored it and focused on his face. Even in utter stillness he still looked like the brash, stubborn, boisterously obnoxious half-demon I considered a stain on my family line. Right down to the smarmy little smile.

He died exactly at sunset.

I reached down and closed his eyes. A trickle of warmth made its way down my cheek. The first tear I shed in...I can't remember how long. My hand came to rest across his forehead, smoothing down his unruly white bangs. "As a demon, I don't pray...but I hope you reach the other side safely."

After that I cleaned him up. I washed his clothes, dressed him and laid him on a dry mat beside his bed. My eyes followed trails of moonlight illuminating his face. The pains in my heart stabbed deeper.

And then I was standing by Inuyasha's grave. The mound rose near the Bone Eater's well on the west side, a familiar black rosary resting on top. Somehow I figured he would want to be buried by the old well where his lover always emerged to greet him. I buried my swords with him. They were useless to me now. I had no one to fight, nothing to fight for and no one to revive.

The tears blurring Kagome's eyes skittered down her cheeks. She covered her mouth with one fist and sobbed, teardrops falling onto the page. "Inuyasha...he still loved me, he really still loved me..."

She wiped her eyes with her palm and focused again on the notebook. It hurt less to keep reading.

__

The pain in my heart became so unbearable that I fell to my knees and howled inconsolably at the full moon. Cursing time itself for leaving me by the way side. I felt my heart crack, crumble and explode into piercing shards that ripped my soul to bloody shreds. Through its tattered remains came the beast I kept buried under iron control.

It took over.

For several years my normally unflappable mind lost itself to insanity. I lost control of my demon blood. I transformed into my true form. The beast ran wild, desperate for a release from the isolation. There seems to be a huge gap in my memory here, like being in a dream. I cannot recall it all...

It began in Inuyasha's forest. The night was no different from any other - I merely sat amidst the trees and watched the stars travel overhead. Then I would move on and hunt for food. Sometimes I wandered across human villages. I must have become a menace.

Then that dreaded night came...as I walked through the forest, I began stepping on sutras. Sutras had never harmed me before. Yet these...these seemed to suck down my youki like sieves. I had nowhere to turn, sutras were attached to everything. I started panting, but couldn't exhale my miasma. I felt incredible pain in my hind limbs...

...and then I cannot recall the rest. Just dim glimpses of memory here and there.

A giant stagecoach through which I had a view through one small window.

The summer heat. Blistering, horrid.

Pain.

Rotten food, meat so rancid I became ill.

Laughter. Humans laughing at me.

Whips. Oh, the whips...

Hope...any and all hope died. I had nobody to save me, and there were nights where I whined and whimpered with the hopes of being granted mercy. My hunger pains became so awful that I often chewed on the chains holding me down just to feel something in my mouth.

My memory blanks here. All I can say is this went on for years. Two, three at most, they were nothing to me. Then I slowly grew immune to the spell cast on the chains.

"God..." Kagome lifted her eyes from the notebook and fixed them on Sesshoumaru's scarred back. Her fist remained firmly pressed against her mouth. How could human beings be so cruel? Couldn't they see he was in pain, maybe even dying? No wonder he looked upon humans with such scorn.

The terror he experienced whenever something triggered him lay somewhere in those repressed memories. Was he strong enough to face them again? Could he walk back into that time in his life and walk back out unscathed?

She quietly blew her nose and pressed on.

__

I remember pieces of my escape. It was storming, thunder and lightning ripping the sky.

Someone forgot to latch the door, thus allowing me to wriggle out backwards. As I rolled around to remove my chains, I tipped the carriage right onto my captors and covered them in miasma so thick even I had trouble seeing beyond my nose. I don't remember how I broke off the chains, just that I ran as fast as I could.

From then on the sounds of whips, the sight of chains, the threat of starvation and the smell of rotten meat sent my heart racing.

My hunger pains drove me mad.

The first thing I did was consume an entire farm's worth of livestock. I even ate humans. Never children...never the parents in front of their children...but the others I swallowed whole and coughed up their bones.

I was a pathetic thing. A dog demon lost in its instincts, raiding farms to sustain myself. I was so ashamed.

The villagers started going on the offensive. They attacked me with blades, arrows and even a cannon. I began sleeping in the mountains where they couldn't reach me.

I recall one stormy night where a girl much like Rin stumbled across my paws. She was lost and frightened. The path she usually followed to go home was blocked by a fallen tree. She didn't smell like the villagers I once terrorized. No, this little one came from the northern village.

I pushed the log off the path and walked with the little girl to her village. Her parents were pleased to see her, but frightened of me.

From that day on, whenever it stormed, I guided lost children along the path. I could only see Rin.

Children stopped fearing me. The adults, however, did not. Not even when I carried their children in my jaws and set them down unharmed by their front door without a scratch.

And that...hurt.

I watched those youngsters grow and mature. They often told stories of a giant white "cloud dog" that protected children in the mountains. Their offspring came looking for me.

And, once in awhile, I dropped my barrier and made myself visible to them.

What a pitiful creature I became.

One night, my eyes turned to the heavens and beheld a motionless star with a tail that shone brightly. Could it be my father? I stared at it for awhile, having never seen a star like that before. The sight of it made my crazed mind recall a flash of my captivity. The children's laughter, their tiny eyes, their voices...they were playing on me at the time. I backed away from them. I returned to my humanoid shape and spoke to them. They ran away. I tried desperately to explain what I was, but it was too late. Their love for me turned to hate because I was a demon, and demons were to be despised. No towns accepted me.

My new life of solitude had no end in sight. This must be what Inuyasha's life was like, and I only added to his persecution. Feh! Pathetic, one such as myself bothered by solitude. I spent many years in it when...

...when...

...when I walked an entirely different path, one where I once believed companionship was a weakness. People were tools. Their feelings never mattered.

And Rin came...and went...her with her love of flowers and sunshine and her musical laughter.

I have gone on a tangent, haven't I? It must be old age...back on the subject:

The years in captivity and holding my true demon form took a heavy toll on my body. Or, more specifically, my heart. It had a new whisper mid-beat, and raced for no reason, making me feel faint.

And I never forgot the first time I beheld the scars marring my back. It was under yet another full moon. I had just disrobed for a bath when I caught a reflection of my bare back in the hot springs. The scars were still new, red and swollen. I heard the whips and the chains in my mind. Howling cries of anguish echoed from my throat. This Sesshoumaru screamed like a little child. I could not escape!

No one would want to come near me now...

Closing the notebook, Kagome turned to Sesshoumaru's sleeping form and sighed through her teeth. Her face felt hot with tears flooding her cheeks. She almost felt like she was reading some foreign man's story instead of his.

"Didn't sleep?"

Kagome blinked and looked up to find Kanrau standing in the doorway. She shook her head and said, "I've started reading his notebook. There's a ton of history here. You were right about the murmur in his heart, it wasn't congenital. It came on when he was caught by...whatever he was caught in. The starvation during his coma made it even worse. He didn't starve just once, Kanrau."

Kanrau nodded slowly, as if he'd known he was right all along.

"How much have you read?" he asked.

"Just the first couple of pages."

"I'll catch up then." Kanrau sat down, read a little and gasped, "He saw the Battle of Sekigahara..." he read some more, "And the first appearance of Halley's comet. Yikes, I wonder what else he's seen." His eyes continued to track, a frown knitting his brow when he got to fragmented capture. He shot her a knowing look.

"Yeah...that's what we have to dig at when his stitches go." Kagome leaned over, "C'mon, turn the page and let's find out what happens next."

Kanrau happily obliged.

__

Time passed before my eyes. Villages were built, farms grew larger, forests thickened and more humans populated the land.

I wandered Japan with no destination in mind. When I reached an ocean, I turned and went back the way I came until I found another shore. The pain of isolation seeped into my aching soul like salt rubbed on open wounds. Depression set in. I was the last of my family line. Other demons still existed, many in harmony with humans, but none were dogs. Demons gave way to half-breeds. The blood line diluted itself to nonexistence. Many humans in the future would be surprised to find they had demon ancestors. Heh, just look at the physician overseeing my health. Kanrau Yakamoto shares genes with Naraku. He even looks like him. Ironic, huh?

Am I drifting again? Foolish.

During one journey through a bustling village, I came across a young actor trying desperately to arrange a new Kabuki. The boy was sitting before his mirror, a frustrated expression lining his face. His eyes lit up when he saw my reflection behind him. He turned around and asked me if I would participate in the Kabuki he was putting together. I went with it, even offering to help him design outlandish costumes for the other performers. Then I stood aside and watched them rehearse.

It had too much dancing.

"It's too soft. Try having a battle, do katas to tell the story." I suggested, demonstrating a few moves. I ended in a somewhat dramatic fighting pose, facing the man.

The young man lit up again. "I like that!"

He called over his other actors and they mulled over this Sesshoumaru's new idea of posing. For added effect some of them crossed one eye. The man called them 'mie'.

Finally the night of the play came. What a relief, the time spent rehearsing and showing them how to move proved exhausting. Yet, I emerged onstage in my normal kimono with a fan covering my face. The audience gasped when the fan closed to reveal my markings. Everyone mistook it for face paint. Other actors appeared with their faces painted much like mine.

My part was simple - I was a spirit seeking nirvana, but in order to reach it I had to battle other evil spirits. Dog spirits. Cat spirits. Fox spirits. Though I didn't need to participate in the dancing, I spent much stage-time in dramatic, graceful 'mie' poses.

The audience loved it.

When the man in charge of the play found me afterward, he introduced himself as Ichikawa Danjuro.

"I'd like to use markings like yours in future Kabuki, but darker and larger." Ichikawa said, bowing again in thanks. If his eyes grew any more grateful, I feared I would vomit.

"Do so if you wish," I turned away, "The world needs to remember."

He raised a hand, "Wait! What is your name?"

"My name is not important. The stories are."

I left him after that.

The next Kabuki I saw featured makeup even more outlandish than the last. Kumadori, I heard, was the name they gave it. All because of 'a man with a painted face' who appeared on stage one night and vanished without a trace.

A few more years passed as I continued to wander. One day I found myself at the Dejima port near Nagasaki. There I came across foreigners, mostly traders from China or the Netherlands. My curiosity got the better of me and I frightened one ship's captain into allowing me aboard.

Again, people mistook me for an angel wandering the earth. I didn't try to convince them otherwise. I had been shunned enough.

Land gave way to the open sea. We headed southwest. I spent most of my time on the bow, staring into the sea while the wind whipped my hair and clothes. Traders from many countries boarded and left. I was exposed to many languages. German, Italian, Dutch, Chinese, Portuguese, Spanish...even some French.

Once, I laid eyes on humans with dark brown skin. As long as I remembered I'd never seen skin that color. It didn't take me long to realize they were slaves. Whenever I heard the slave drivers crack their whips, my scars ached and I cringed inwardly.

I finally grew sick of the stares cast my way. I shed my feudal attire, keeping it in a sack while I dressed myself in a plain white tunic, baggy pants and a velvet cloak with a hood that mostly hid my features. I only write this down because, later on, I would lose all but my own clothing and wish to remember what I wore. People saw me as a rich nomad and nothing more.

Months passed before the ship reached its final destination. Europe, where I encountered the English for the first time. They spoke a language I had a difficult time learning, especially the writing. Whenever I spoke it my accent always gave away that I was a foreigner.

I was surprised to find a few demon-human hybrids living beyond my homeland. They hid their heritage well, but their auras and scents gave them away. I was surprised to see that some of them gathered in a place of prayer and took part in a ritual that involved consuming a small piece of bread and a sip of wine from a gold chalice. By observing these rituals I discovered yet another language - Latin.

My time with the English proved...oddly interesting. Much of their culture was exactly opposite to what I am accustomed to. They made fine wine and exquisite clothing, and they loved to stop and stare at me when I passed. Did I really stand out that much? The people tended to gawk so often that I literally had to hide just to sleep. How humiliating, this Sesshoumaru sleeping in trees like a common street rat.

Once, I awoke to the sound of a well dressed human mumbling to himself. I had taken refuge in an apple tree, and slept so deeply that I failed to awaken when he first sat down. But the human was so deep in thought that he never noticed me. I cursed my inattention and shifted to the other side of the tree. An apple dropped off the branch I was just occupying and hit him in the head.

He picked the apple up, stared at it, and ran quickly into his house.

...What a strange man.

I jumped down and resumed walking. Soon, England became a distant speck at my back.

I wandered beyond civilization and onto a large plain. The land appeared so featureless that I almost turned back, but kept going when something in the distance caught my interest. It was an odd, very ancient circle of massive stones. I stood amidst them and tried to guess their purpose. It proved impossible - I hadn't read about the folklore and legends of this new land to make a proper assessment.

"Stonehenge," said Kanrau.

"That's...?"

"Those huge, monolithic - "

"Oh!" Kagome blushed at her lack of knowledge and fixed her eyes back on the page.

__

By morning I was on the move again.

My travels doubled me back to China. There, I came across women who bound their feet so small it was a miracle they could walk at all.

The clothes from England no longer suited me here. I shed them the way a snake shed its skin and dressed myself in a simple white robe with wide sleeves and a conical bamboo hat. My English clothes joined my Japanese attire in a sack on my back.

A full moon revealed me perched atop the western end of the Great Wall, staring out over the Gobi desert. I found the shifting sands peaceful to watch. It was there that my first full moon tears fell. The world seemed utterly silent. Coldness from the Wall's wood and dirt seeped into my bones until I wondered if I became part of it without noticing. I stood up and walked along, hopping from block to block, clouds of dust collecting in my wake. Dirt became limestone and granite with watchtowers in between. The few who saw me thought I was a ghost.

At daybreak, I wandered the towns. Reading this and that. Observing monks in prayer. Following the famed Silk Road. Taking in the scents all around.

Eventually my travels carried me to a country where the women had bronze skin and red marks on their forehead. The scents, music, language, clothing and food changed drastically. One family mistook me for someone named "Shiva", and brought me into their home to clothe me in a fine gold sherwani and dhoti - I think that is what they were called, anyhow. All silk just like my old clothes.

It took a long time for me pick up the language enough to convince these people I wasn't who they thought. In reply, they offered their youngest daughter up for marriage. I decided it was time to leave and made a graceful exit, leaving them behind to weep at my departure.

People stared the most here. Their skin was the color of honey over bronze. Next to them I stood out like the full moon at midnight.

Sunset found me staring up at white marble of the Taj Mahal. Of all the human buildings I'd laid eyes on, this one had to be the most fantastic. Its curves were as smooth as a geisha's breast and glowed in the dying sunlight.

That night, I slept propped against the biggest minaret.

When morning came I was again on the move. India faded into the dust left by my footsteps. Again I cast off my clothing in favor of the velvet cloak, but people in the new country still stared. It didn't take long to pick up the language and figure out their comments were along the lines of 'girly man'.

The next time I took in my surroundings, I was standing within a large square with a beautiful obelisk at its center. I walked curiously into the large building up ahead. It had an altar inside much like the worship halls in England, but the walls and ceiling were much more grand. Everywhere I looked I saw beautifully painted images that I assumed depicted important events in history. Many showed winged humans. I let my eyes linger on the painting showing an old man with a long beard reaching for a younger male figure.

"Have you come here to pray?"

I jerked my head to the voice, forcing my eyes not to turn red. I loathe being caught off guard. The language in this country was much like Latin, and I only had mild trouble speaking and understanding it. "I am not the praying type. Who are you? What is this place?"

A man wearing an odd, white skullcap and cloak approached from the altar. He smelled of incense and carried an intensely pure aura that didn't seem to belong entirely to him. His hands were clasped around a string of beads that reminded me of Inuyasha's necklace. I noticed he wore a large gold ring depicting, of all things, a lowly fisherman casting a net. The word 'Innocens' was engraved around the fisherman.

"I have a few names, but if you are not religious, you may call me Benedetto...and this is the Sistine Chapel." he seemed surprised that I didn't know where I was. "And who, pray tell, are you?"

I gave my name. "Sesshoumaru."

"You definitely aren't from here." Benedetto's expression lined with worry. "Where are you trying to go?"

Something about this man seemed oddly warm. I decided to answer. "Any place that does not cause pain."

"But there is beauty in the suffering, dear man. In the end you often find a great reward waiting for you."

I shot him an icy glare, "How can my pain end happily? Everyone I know is dead and gone. I'm alone."

Benedetto frowned slightly, "You're never truly alone."

"You foolish man! If you lived my life, you would understand." Turning, I looked over my shoulder and wrinkled my nose. "I should go."

"I'm sorry you can't stay longer. But..." drawing back, Benedetto made an odd cross gesture above my head and clasped his hands together, "safe journey...and God be with you."

'God does not look upon a being like me,' I thought bitterly on my way to the door.

The very next morning, Sunday, I saw the same man appear on a balcony above the plaza. He was clad in an elaborate cloak and ornate three-tiered crown, and made the same cross gesture three times above the gathered crowd. Somehow, he managed to lock eyes with me even though I stood far away.

Later, as I left the city behind, I heard people referring to the man as Pope Innocent the Eleventh. A religious leader of the highest authority. I could only imagine what he would have thought if he knew he blessed a demon.

Laughter bubbled up in Kagome's throat. So THIS was the Pope Sesshoumaru was talking about in the hospital. She could still recall his flush-faced mirth as he described their conversation. He met a Pope and completely snubbed him.

Kanrau's crooked grin suggested he thought the same. He turned the page and looked over. "He sure did a lot of traveling."

__

I wandered back into the desert. Sand became a familiar comfort until finally I gazed up and saw a stone head and three colossal pyramids in the distance. I spent the next sunset perched atop the tallest pyramid, a dark shadow against a swollen red disk in the golden sky.

A nightfall I walked amidst the ruins. Dozens of carvings depicted...gods? No, they looked more like ancient demons. A jackal, a bird and many other animals. Half-breeds? What where they? And the markings beside them - I have never seen writing like that anywhere.

"What if Anubis and Ra really were demons like Sesshoumaru?" Kanrau wondered aloud, appearing utterly fascinated by Sesshoumaru's description of Giza. As he spoke the first hints of dawn repainted the room in different colors.

"I wouldn't be surprised if they were." Kagome frowned, "They could have existed long before people even knew what demons were or that they were sort of mortal."

__

Confused, I approached the head protruding from the sand. I noticed immediately its nose was missing. It seemed to be suffering the same fate as me - being slowly buried under layers of time, eroding quietly, forever forgotten and alone.

"Guardian of time..." I whispered, gazing sadly up into its crumbling eyes. "If only I were stone like you."

And I left it behind.

The next days I spent lost in sandstorm after sandstorm. I was forced to curl up to protect my flesh, digging myself out into the blistering heat after the storm passed. My lips hurt so badly I could not open my mouth. I had sand in every bodily opening, which proved painful in some instances.

I emerged, sunburned and thirsty, on another shore. My memory is foggy here because the excessive sun exposure had me very weak. I believe that in a delirious haze, I crawled onto a ship leaving port and fell asleep. By the time I awoke I was on open water.

Weeks into the journey, I contracted a horrible disease spreading like wildfire among the human sailors. It started with a small fever and stomach upset. Then my mouth filled with disgusting eruptions of pus. My skin was covered in horrible, raised, red pustules that gave off the foulest odor. As the days passed these eruptions merged and painfully tugged my skin from within. I was in such utter agony that I couldn't move. The fever nearly killed me. I think my superior demon blood is the only reason I survived at all.

They called this disease "smallpox", and it killed more than half of the people on the ship.

Someone thought I died, perhaps due to my faint breathing. I awoke to find myself surrounded by the dead. Men, women, children, all staring at me through lifeless eyes. Some had blackness in their eye-whites and dark eruptions under their skin. The smell made me vomit. I have never vomited over an odor before, but this was as vile and putrid as anything could get.

I was surrounded by disease, feces and filth, and barely managed to climb out of the bodies. There were so many.

If only I had brought Tenseiga...

"Oh, God," Kagome's eyes blurred.

"What is this 'Tenseiga'?"

"It's the sword he used to bring Rin back to life a long time ago. He mentioned it earlier too." She stared at the book, "It looks like the capture wasn't his only trauma."

"Yeah, but he remembers this. It's the stuff before - the capture he can't remember - that's hurting him." Kanrau said. He bit his lip and kept reading.

Kagome wiped her hair off her neck and did the same, but the images of Sesshoumaru suffering smallpox haunted her.

__

The ship reached port while I was still asleep, and I woke when sunlight flooded the cabin I managed to crawl to. I must have looked utterly unlordly - me, filthy as a homeless human, covered in crusted pustules, feverish, my hair ragged and bloody vomit dripping from my mouth. It was in this state that I disembarked the ship and walked miles through an unfamiliar forest.

After a time, I collapsed, but don't recall falling. I spent the next days going in and out of dreams. I have vague memories of someone feeding me water and broth from a wooden spoon and spreading paste on my sores. When I finally woke, I was rid of the pustules and nearing the end of my fever. I found myself being cared for by strange people with reddish-brown skin and black hair. They spoke a language that for the life of me, I could not even guess at. They were fascinated by my markings. I think their constant clucking back and forth was their attempt at asking me what they meant.

I tried communicating in the tongues I knew. One spoke broken French and explained that her tribe called themselves 'Algonquins'. I think my caretaker's name was Kimiwan, which means 'it is raining'. Kimiwan taught me some of her tribe's language. "Kwe-kwe", for example, is hello.

Kimiwan claimed to be a seer that could see into my dreams, and she knew what I really was. By her word, the entire tribe began to call me 'Waabaa Tibik-kiizis Animosh', which literally translated to 'White Moon Dog'.

She had a faint demonic aura. One of her ancestors was a demon.

I noticed something else - they gave me their own tribe's clothing. A strange hanging strand of bones and beads for a shirt, fur leggings and boots called 'moccasins'. They decorated my hair with braids and beads. I felt naked and foreign. Many young women walked about with their breasts bared and carried their infants in baskets on their backs.

When I was well enough to venture outside, I immediately noticed their homes were domes made of birch and other barks. Wigwams. Fascinating structures. They appeared built by intricately weaving saplings together and covering them in bark.

The moon began to wane. The night it became a crescent, Kimiwan sat me down, decorated me with beads and feathers and had me watch while the entire tribe threw a massive pow-wow in my honor. Men, women, children and elderly dressed in bright colors gathered and danced, sang and played music around a bonfire. All in honor of me. I felt as if I didn't deserve it. I had done nothing but consume their meager medicines and take up space in their territory. The next morning became the end of my stay. I gathered my original clothes and dressed myself in secret. Kimiwan found me anyway.

She asked, "Where, go?"

And this Sesshoumaru replied, "I must follow the moon."

She let me go, but not without asking me for my real name. She said that if she had a son, she would name him after me.

I wonder if she ever did.

My travels took me steadily onward. I tried to avoid people when I could, however I did encounter the odd Indian or pioneer here and there. If they were Catholic, they mistook me for an angel and offered me gratuitous blessings. If only they knew...

Months later, I entered a town populated by white people. The moment I set foot on their soil, the people would stop and stare at me.

There was a young, attractive human girl walking along the road. She was barely older than Rin was at our first encounter. The girl approached me and introduced herself as Abigail Williams.

"Where am I?" I tried to question her, but my accent made me difficult to understand. English always was difficult for me.

Abigail screamed at my accent. I pushed her into a bale of hay to shut her up. She ran away to her mother, pointed at me and cried inconsolably. Abigail's mother appeared just as frightened. Both ran immediately home.

These humans were quite amusing. I hid myself behind an aura to watch the village. They were so easily frightened that I began appearing to them on and off just to watch them run in a panic. People repeatedly mistook me for someone named 'Satan' or 'the Devil', a person considered the most evil of all to those of Christian faith.

Finally, someone saw me right! If they wanted to call me Satan, let them.

Abigail provided the most entertainment. I flooded her house with my weakest miasma, and she immediately started crawling on the ground like a worm. It made her quite ill.

A man named Reverend Samuel Parris noticed Abigail's odd behavior. Then the mother, Betty, walked into one of my miasma clouds and began acting strangely as well. I was so utterly amused by their antics that I began learning the names of random villagers and whispering them in their ears. Names like Tituba the slave, Sarah Good and Sarah Osborne. They would mindlessly accuse these people, and those very people were instantly arrested. Other girls joined in and began calling out people like Rebecca Nurse, Elizabeth Proctor and John Proctor.

People were thrust on trial, thrown in prison, forced to confess and left hanging by their throats in the gallows like meat from hooks. One, an old farmer, endured many days of peine fort et dure, dying only when the weight of the stones crushed his lungs.

All of this over a stupid religious accusation. Compared to the Algonquins, these humans were savages. I wished stupidity could kill, then they would all die.

The ministrations grew boring after awhile. The uproar I caused through Abigail and Betty had its own momentum, and just a whispering of "witch" resulted in people being incarcerated on the spot.

I walked past the prison on my way out of the town. Tituba, the slave, called out to me. "Take me home, Devil, take me home!"

This Sesshoumaru ignored her pitiful plea.

Kanrau sat up and eyed his bookshelf, where a Japanese copy of _The Crucible_ was prominently displayed. "I wonder what other pieces of history he instigated."

Kagome cast him a sidelong glance, "Don't know." She cringed inwardly. "But it's remarkable to read this from somebody who saw it all."

__

During the next months, I wandered over vast plains that seemed prone to the most terrible storms I have ever seen. I tell no lie when I say I saw many tornadoes grow a mile wide. Tornadoes...they reminded me of that wolf demon I once met long ago.

One twister literally tore me right out of a tree and carried me several miles, then flung me down on the bank of a massive river. I had to regain lost ground, which wasted several months. I made sure I always avoided tornadoes from then on.

Many, many, many of the people I saw along the way were diseased with smallpox and something else - tuberculosis. Seeing as it was a disease I had not yet contracted, I became ill with it. Not as ill as the humans, but ill enough to cough up blood for three weeks. The weakness lasted many months, slowing my travels to just a few miles a day.

And I did something that I am even more ashamed of - I stole a horse. Travel by foot took too long, I didn't have the strength to fly, and I couldn't find a way around this blasted river. So I stole a horse and rode it across the riverbank of this great, unknown land. I chose a horse as white as me so as not to stand out too badly.

Riding with the wind in my hair was the most free I felt in years. Even though I was so ill I often couldn't keep my eyes open, the horse kept me moving and became a silent companion during my journey. I started to call him Shiroi because of his white coloring.

If I slept too late, he nipped my ear. When he was hungry, he snorted and thrust his nose into my hair. We ate, slept and bathed together. I learned to communicate with him through whistles, tongue clicks and soft murmurs. He had quite the personality, I always knew his mood by his behavior. He ate right from my hand and loved to have his neck stroked. There were times where he reminded me of Ah-Un.

Shiroi met an unfortunate end at the hands of frightened human hunters who thought I was a ghost. I never got to learn where they came from...I was so uncharacteristically UPSET by the loss of my companion that I destroyed them.

I sat for hours while Shiroi took his last gasping breaths. I cradled his head in my lap and struggled against bitter tears, wishing I had Tenseiga. Then I buried him.

This Sesshoumaru actually mourned a horse. It was utterly pathetic, so I put him out of my mind and took to the road once again.

Travel again became painfully slow. I was still violently sick out both sides. Some days I slept from dawn to dusk. I slept nude because if I didn't, I soiled my clothes in my sleep. Many afternoons I retched with nothing to vomit up. This disgusting sickness stayed with me for several more weeks.

Some nights, as I lay shaking with fever, I would have given my soul just to have my mother hold me. I often called for her like a lost pup. As if my voice had the power to bring her to me.

The beginning of winter brought chill and snow. I was well enough to travel, so it was back to the road. I began seeing Inuyasha, Rin and my father through the corners of my eyes. But if I turned my head, they vanished. Depression set in again. I dragged my feet. Snow created harrowing obstacles, and whenever I looked back, my footprints were erased by the wind.

Rin complained of the cold. Inuyasha stayed unsettlingly silent. Father only came with the full moon. I knew they weren't real.

"Hallucinations...the real beginning of his problem. God, poor guy, he didn't have anybody to turn to. The isolation must have made it worse."

Kagome could only chew on her bottom lip. Sometimes Sesshoumaru did seem nervous if he was left alone in a place where he couldn't see other people. Her eyes blurred at the thought of him suffering night terrors and waking up more alone than when he fell asleep.

__

I finally noticed I had become quite frail. I honestly had no idea I let myself go until I saw how bony my hand was becoming and realized my armor did not fit snugly around my body. I was too weak to transform, so I hunted in my humanoid form and ate meat raw. Deer meat was delicious and brought me comforting memories of the past. I ate the liver and sweetbreads first. I broke the bones and sucked out the marrow. I even carried the extra meat on my back and gnawed at it whenever my stomach ached, only discarding it when the flies became too numerous.

Inuyasha found my situation hilarious, but I did regain the weight I lost.

My travels led me towards a circle of conical structures built of animal hides and painted in bright colors. More Indians. These people were nearly as tall as I. They saw me catch the buffalo and rip it apart with my teeth. And yet again I was mistaken as a god from the moon. I do not know how they could think me a god when blood and innards covered my hair and clothes.

The Indians, which called themselves the Sioux, begged me to stay. I didn't know their language well enough to communicate that I was carrying an airborne disease, so I simply turned into light and fled.

More long months of wandering. I finally shook off the tuberculosis cough. Easier breathing meant faster travel. I covered more ground.

I came again to flatland. The air went from mild to unbearably dry and hot. Fearing another spell of severe sunburn, I spent the days sleeping under my clothing sack and traveled at night. The dry wind still did terrible things to my skin and mosquitoes plagued my every step at dusk and dawn.

My journey carried me to the edge of the largest canyon I have ever laid eyes upon. Great layers of red rock stretching further than I could see. The bottom of it was so far down that trees and a river were like thread and pepper strewn across the land.

It was particularly beautiful at sunrise. I spent many, many, many months trying to find the ends of this vast canyon. Along the way, I came across a skeleton as large as my father's. The white bones merely sat there in the dirt. The skull was like nothing I had ever seen before. Something lizard-like with feet similar to a hawk.

Indian tribes dotted the landscape here and there, but I did not stay with them.

Nightfall found me staring at a full moon.

In a moment of insanity, I threw myself over the canyon's edge. I actually believed I would die from such a fall...I am a fool. It took me several minutes to fall all the way, and then I lost my nerve and let my chi cushion the impact. Instead of dying, I broke both legs and my arm.

I wanted to cry. Pride still wouldn't allow it. I swallowed my urge to scream and settled for silent tears. I talked to the stars just to hear my own voice. My dreams were riddled with torment. I begged the gods to take me, but they wouldn't listen.

"God," Kagome leaned back with a hand over her eyes, grimacing against the bitter tears making new trails down her cheeks. She shook her head when Kanrau cast her a worried look, but couldn't shake the feeling that she should have been there to comfort Sesshoumaru in his darkest hours. Her mind formed a perfect mental picture of Sesshoumaru lying in the dust with his hair fanned around his form and his face lined by grief

"We're almost done," Kanrau patted her shoulder, "just two more pages."

__

There I lay for months? days? years? without food or water, cooking in the blistering heat and freezing in the twilight chill. Illness, hunger and past injuries had taxed my healing abilities to their limits, so my recovery was terribly slow. I wasn't fully healed when I got to my feet. Walking and using my arm were painful. The bones took ages to fully knit.

I was completely exhausted when I finally climbed out the west side of the canyon. More natives moved about the flatland around me. One offered me a place to bathe, which I gladly did without comment. I washed my clothes and made myself once again pristine and perfect.

The next weeks were spent hiking through dense mountains and forests with red trees taller than any tree I have ever seen. I encountered a lot of something fantastic - GOLD. The whole of the earth was a goldmine. I was picking gold out of my hair when I woke in the morning and wiping gold away when I laid down to sleep. Any time I scraped the ground to file my claws, I found gold. It existed in the rocks and dirt and water. Nuggets and dust. Enough gold to bejewel myself a hundred-thousand times over. I was the richest demon alive and I had no one to share it with. What a sobering sensation.

After years of dry land, I finally came upon another shore. Night had fallen as I walked into small native village set up on the coast.

About that time, I got the most terrible ringing in my ears. Minutes later, every creature in the woods fell silent. Owls, crickets, frogs...all ceased singing. Very eerie.

Suddenly, the ground lurched and threw me off my feet! I hugged the soil as the earth bucked like a wild boar. Trees swayed, primitive buildings crumbled and the world itself groaned. Other buildings that survived the initial tremors shook apart. People ran about in a panic, tripping and falling into each other. Many were crushed under falling debris. The earthquake was so large that even I could not stand up. For a moment I feared the ground would open and swallow me into the bowels of Hell. And it shook forever.

The shaking ended as abruptly as it began. Silence shattered under the cries of wounded and dying. Survivors began picking through the debris. Children wailed and screamed. I held one frightened little girl until her mother arrived to take her home.

I heard something else. As I watched, the ocean itself receded in the most unnatural display. Barely minutes later the land around me flooded. I had never seen a tsunami before that day. It was not a wave, the water just started surging forth, higher and higher. People, debris and trees were swept away. Children were sucked out of their mother's arms. Livestock disappeared. Pieces of lives vanished into the froth.

I had to escape. Becoming a ball of light, I took off over the ocean. I saw a massive ripple in the water below and knew the quake had angered the sea.

Long into my journey, I lost power...I just lost all my energy...and was forced to land on the first ship I saw floating on the water. It was a ship carrying bales of rice anchored just offshore from my homeland. The ocean's rage passed beneath us with barely a bob.

The tsunami crested into a ten foot wave and flooded the coast. Ports, docks and ships came apart like a child's toy tossed in a river. I could only watch the angry sea swallowing everything in its wake.

I think my homecoming angered the gods. The tsunami brought a violent storm on its heels.

The ship I occupied threatened to capsize. Sailors and crewmen threw the rice overboard in attempt to save the ship. It wasn't enough, and the driving wind flung the boat into the rocks.

Diving overboard was my only option. So I threw myself off the doomed ship, choking on seawater and kicking with all my strength. A piece of floating debris became my last salvation.

Homesickness died in my heart. Though my journey proved interesting and opened my eyes to other cultures, the motherland still echoed in my blood. I floated on the tide for awhile, the rain in my hair and my eyes full of emptiness as I watched people pick the dead from the water.

"That sounds like the Cascadia quake, which happened early in the year seventeen hundred."

Kagome blinked at Sesshoumaru's handwriting, "I read about that in history class. I read...he saw it, he almost died in it." She shivered, hugging herself, "He's had nothing but pain."

__

I crawled onto land, shook off and kissed the sand. I gazed across the familiar horizon that I hadn't seen in almost a century.

Edo was bigger than ever. How dare time go on in my absence...

The next few days were spent resting in a cave. I dared not venture out until I looked presentable.

Not one person recognized me as I walked amongst the populated pathway. Some even laughed at my attire. Merchants peddled fine silks, swords, trinkets and foods. Geisha's danced across my path. Very few even knew I was a demon at all.

I visited Inuyasha and Rin. Inuyasha's grave was easy to find, though his rosary was gone. Rin's grave...

My father's castle was in ruins and the garden overgrown. Time had stolen away the last thing that was mine - my home. I only recognized Rin's grave because of the rocks I placed on top. I left her the prettiest flowers, bid her farewell and walked away.

All this, and my face remained unchanged. The years touched everything but me.

I could bear it no longer. It was time to escape for good.

I entered the forest where I first encountered Rin. My ageless body, so old and tired, moved forward like a spectre over the grass. I took shelter in a grove of trees and settled down to rest just as I did that day so long ago. Moss-covered branches cradled me as I drifted further and further from myself. Further and further into a dreamless slumber.

Naraku was gone. I outlived everyone I cared about. Others like me were dying out or mating with humans to generate hybrids. Purebloods were fading into legends, dissolving to little more than fairy stories told around fireplaces. Maybe the most frightening were about me.

I curled into fetal position against the roots, erected a barrier and let myself shut down. I felt the tree growing around my body. Winding through my hair like the torpor of my blood. Grit, moss, marks of the ages coated my flesh. Time was going on, but I was no longer part of it. I was a silent dreamer floating on its current. Flowing into an endless tunnel with no light or sensation.

Let the world grow around this Sesshoumaru if it wanted. I was tired of being alone.

And then I drifted into oblivion.


	17. Self Doubt Sucks

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 17  
Self Doubt Sucks

o0o

Kanrau closed the book and laid it on the floor between his knees. Kagome stared down at its bright red cover. Marks from Sesshoumaru's pointed nails dotted its smooth surface like tiny pits and dimples. She couldn't bear to look at it, as it was filled with nothing but a century of pain, hardship and isolation. Her eyes turned to the sleeping demon on the futon. Watching his shoulder rise and fall as he breathed.

"He'll be ready for his stitches to come out."

"I can do that if you don't want to," said Kanrau, his face sober. He took his glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"No, I will."

The male doctor stretched, mussing up his long black hair. "In that case..." he yawned, "I'll go start breakfast. Then I'll take Sesshoumaru out to get whatever he's going to cook us tonight."

Kagome jerked her head up, "I was going to do that lat - "

"Kagome, I think he needs to talk to someone besides you once in awhile. There are some things that are best kept man to man. No offense."

She sobered. "No, you're right."

Kanrau's lips curled into a smile. "All things considered, he's a lot more sane than a human would be after what he's been through. Keep that in mind. He's not as far gone as he could be."

"I guess - "

"If you two are going to talk about me, could you do it more quietly?" Sesshoumaru's sleepy voice interrupted them.

Turning, Kagome found the demon lord looking up with one eye open and his hair a complete mess that stuck up all over his head. "Well, welcome to the land of the living."

Kanrau just shrugged, smiled and disappeared to get dressed and start breakfast. Kagome was left alone with the groggy demon. She longed to run over, wrap him in her arms and hold him for all the times she couldn't be there during his time in isolation.

"How about getting rid of your stitches? I think you're healed enough for me to take them out."

Sesshoumaru promptly rolled over to present his bandages to her. The sheet covering his muscular body rode dangerously low, exposing most of the white fur line stretching below his belly button. He gazed up with eyes that betrayed no emotion. "You read it."

Had her face given away that much?

And while Kagome fumbled with her warring thoughts, Sesshoumaru peeled off his bandages, ripped the stitches from his side and prepared to do the same with his groin area.

"Hey! I was going to snip them!"

"My claws are faster." He pulled the stitches out in one piece.

She produced the necessary supplies to clean the incision sites as a precautionary measure. "Do you need any Vicodin?"

"No. The pain is minor now."

Sesshoumaru ran a hand through his soft silver layers, patting them down. They looked slick with body oils. He still seemed so small and vulnerable without his long mane streaming over his back.

"You were..." her vision swam, turning him into a pale silver and white blob. She stared down at the long scar marking his side like reverse railroad tracks against his skin. They'd be gone in a week. His tracheostomy scar had vanished completely. But the marks on his back stayed. "...so alone. So sick and hurt and alone..."

"I was alone. But not now."

"Someday, you will b -"

He covered her mouth with one finger, "but not _now_."

Her eyes soft, Kagome clasped Sesshoumaru's hand between both of hers. She had this sudden, inconsolable urge to kiss him. "Remember yesterday, when I said I loved you? Did that mean anything to you?"

A slow shrug.

"Well," frustration clutched her throat, "Where do I stand with you?"

"I never said I loved you back." he said, his fingers relaxing against her palm. His eyes were like twin suns boring into hers, "But I never said I didn't, either."

His answer left her just as lost and confused as before.

"Kagome," Sesshoumaru pulled the sheets up around himself. He'd been colder lately without his hair to keep him warm. "I must bathe. I have tolerated one week without washing. I can stand it no longer."

She watched him in silence. Her forehead wrinkled. He did need a good wash all over.

"You can shower now that the stitches are out."

"Good." The demon lord shot her an amused look. "They itched. I'm glad to be rid of them."

__

Sometimes, you're just as smart-assed as Inuyasha... Kagome's eyes swam at the thought of Inuyasha. What Sesshoumaru wrote was still fresh in her mind.

"I think I'll go ask Kanrau to get a shower going for you."

Sesshoumaru's eyes flickered shut. Kagome decided to take a chance and stood on her toes, covering his small lips with hers. His mouth pressed back with hot, moist warmth, neither dominant nor submissive.

"Is it love you feel for me, miko?" he whispered in her ear, "Or is it pity?"

His scorching words pierced through her heart like a mighty blade. She felt as if he just rubbed salt in all the wounds on her soul. The passion she felt vanished behind a flash of anger.

She pushed herself away from him, "What kind of a question is that?"

He folded his hands in a manner that would have enveloped them in long kimono sleeves. "A simple one."

"You would question me after I've gone through _hell_ to keep you alive and bring you back to health? Have you once considered how all this makes _me_ feel, seeing you like this?" Kagome's voice choked on the last few words. She started ticking items off on her fingers, "I sat with you all night once when a bad enema endangered your life and still went back to work with only three hours of sleep. I wet your tongue and eyes for you when that same enema left you so dehydrated your lips were cracking off and I'm the one that toasted your chest when you went into v-fib. I took you into my home when the money set aside for you was running out. I hooked up your tubes, cleaned up your pee, wiped your ass and turned you over in bed. I gave you baths when you couldn't do it yourself, washed your hair for you, got you dressed and cleaned you up when you were so wasted you were puking everywhere!"

She could hear her voice getting more and more shrill, but her temper found its exit and it wasn't going to stop until she expelled it. "I...I held your damned _heart_ in my own two hands during your surgery and sat with you in ICU after you got done! I hugged you when you tried to tough it out without the Vicodin! I've been there for you, all this time. _All_ this time, I've worried about, cared for, cried over and loved you! I didn't have to do all that...but dammit I did the best I could for you, and you thank me with _this?_"

"That doesn't answer my question." Sesshoumaru said curtly.

"Yes! _Yes!_ I do feel bad for you! Any caring person would!" Kagome replied, clenching her fists. A tension headache began to form right at the base of her skull.

And then, with one sentence, Sesshoumaru threw away the stinging verbal salt and ripped her wounds open anew.

"And if I were to die, would you feel as if all your efforts were wasted?"

Kagome froze, staring at him while her mind struggled for coherent thought. Her heart pounded. Blood rushed to her head to heat her face and throat. He just made her angrier than Inuyasha ever could, and he did it so easily. As if he studied her, finding her buttons and pushing them all at once for the sake of seeing what would happen.

The word _sit_ curled on the tip of her tongue. Then she remembered that wouldn't work on Sesshoumaru. The next best things came out instead.

"You big, rude, stupid..._JERK!_" She exploded. "Stupid, arrogant _asshole!_"

Sesshoumaru merely watched her, impassive. No reaction at all. Kagome couldn't read him. His blank, pretty face angered her further. She _wanted_ him to react, and as soon as the thought came up she was too irrational to stop herself.

Fury exploded behind her chest and lanced down her arm. She slapped him harder than anything she ever hit in her life. The sound of skin on skin was deafening and the impact twisted his head completely to the side. Had he been at full strength, such a blow would not have moved him at all. Her palm stung. She watched the red handprint blossom on his flawless skin.

Sesshoumaru just turned his head to look back at her. Kagome waited for their eyes to meet, expecting anger or even hurt to show through.

There was nothing. His face was deadpan, his eyes opaque. As if she slapped all emotion right out of him.

Kagome withered under the heaviness of his gaze. The last time she slapped him, it was in jest, and he'd warned her never to strike him in that manner again. Fear overwhelmed her. She slid the fusama open and fled, running right past a stunned Kanrau.

A full fifteen minutes passed with Kagome sitting alone in Kanrau's zen-like back yard. It was cloudy and chilly outside that particular morning. She stared at the sand garden to the left of the patio, watching the patterns blur together while she fumed in stunned silence. The nerve of that Sesshoumaru! After all she did to keep him healthy, too!

"Hey, are you okay?"

Kagome's eyes swung to the door. Kanrau stood on the porch, dressed in a plain black flannel shirt and jeans. His glasses were perched on his nose and his hair was up in its usual bun. She was thankful for that, he looked less like Naraku with his hair up.

"I take it you heard the whole thing?"

He sat down next to her, "Yeah, those doors aren't exactly thick."

Biting her lip, she fixed her stare back on the rock garden. Tears prickled her eyes. She wiped them away and pinched an itch out of her nose.

"It sounds to me like he's trying to make you hate him so you'll leave. I've been watching him a lot...he's more scared by all this than he's letting on. Sesshoumaru seems preoccupied with this idea that he'll disappear and lose all of what little he still has. You read it yourself, Kagome, he's been in pain for a long time."

"Oh," Kagome scoffed, not yet ready to let Sesshoumaru off the hook just yet, "I'm in exactly the same kind of pain as him. I may not have been alone for a century, but it sure feels it. Where is Sesshoumaru anyway? Showering?"

"Yeah. And Kagome?"

"Huh?"

"He's testing you. Making sure you're for real."

She sighed. "Back in the day...like in the stories I told you, he was an arrogant, self-centered, pompous jerk. He was better than the rest of the world. It's...it hurts to see him hurting this way. It's kinda like seeing a T-rex act like a puppy, you know?"

"Mm, yeah. I don't think Sesshoumaru will ever go back to the way he was before all this. That part of his life is over. We're all he's got, and the best we can do is help him through the worst of this so he can start a life here. If you love him like you say you do, then the best help you can offer is to cling tighter whenever he tries to push you away. He needs assurance that you won't leave him." said Kanrau. He took a breath and stretched, then stood up.

"Hey, Kanrau?" Kagome looked up.

He turned, "Hm?"

"Do you..." she blushed, "do you think he loves me back?"

"I think so, but I don't think he realizes it yet." He shrugged one shoulder, "Still, all the more reason to hang on tight. You've healed his body, now we have to heal his mind."

__

And his broken spirit, Kagome added silently. She turned her head and smiled, "Got any miso soup?"

"It's cooking. Come on inside, it'll be done soon."

"Sure, thanks."

He nodded and headed inside. Sighing, Kagome followed suit, taking care to wipe her feet on the doormat before stepping on the rigid tatami mat. Sesshoumaru sat cross-legged not too far away, his hair still wet and dripping against his blue shirt collar. The shirt was unbuttoned, baring his chest and stomach. He wore a pair of earphones, which were attached to her small camcorder. His attention was riveted on the footage Kagome took while he was still vegetative.

__

She looked slowly over her shoulder at the blinking light on the camcorder. "All right, you might be really offended by what you're about to see me do, but sometimes it's the only way to quiet you down. I'm only human and you have just as much right to compassion as anyone...even if we didn't get along too well in the past. 'kay?"

She moved to the other side of the bed, sat on the edge and cradled Sesshoumaru gently against her chest. He sneezed in her face for her efforts, but luckily he only sprayed her with a thin mist of saliva.

"Gee, thanks."

Gold eyes turned towards her. They blinked before drifting away again.

Her frown melted, "You're still so precious like this."

He arched his back as if it hurt. His hands curled like claws. Even worse, Kagome saw tears brim in his eyes and trickle down his face. Crying was a reflex, too, but on Sesshoumaru it just looked so wrong.

"Shhh," She stroked his cheek and rocked him back and forth. "Shhh, you're safe. You're safe. Shhh...don't cry."

The Ativan kicked in, quieting him. He relaxed into her arms as his face assumed the same slack-jawed expression as the famed Terri Schiavo in America. The dopey look didn't suit his pretty visage at all. Kagome used the towel on his pillow to wipe his cheeks dry. He closed his mouth and made soft whining noises just like a lost dog.

"It's okay, you're okay, shhh," Kagome kept rocking Sesshoumaru, gazing down into his eyes when he turned his head towards her voice. Instinct prompted her to smile at him. She honked the end of his nose, laid him down on his side and used his pelt to prop him in position...

Sesshoumaru tensed and glanced over when Kagome seated herself next to him. He looked a little goofy with the earphones draped over his head. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but shut it again and focused back on the tiny screen, watching her clip his fingernails and rub lotion into his hands.

"I know..." he finally whispered, "...that you did not intend to hit me."

Kagome's palm stung at the memory. "Sesshoumaru?"

His eyes met hers.

"I was wrong to hit you. I'm sorry."

Sesshoumaru pushed the headphones off and let them fall next to the camcorder. His golden eyes remained downcast, hidden behind his long eyelashes. Perhaps he regretted what he said and simply didn't know how to voice it. Apologizing would be...beneath him. Then Kagome realized he _was_ apologizing. He was apologizing to her in the language he'd been trying to teach her since he regained consciousness - silence.

Scooting over, Kagome cupped the cheek she slapped earlier and wrapped her other arm around his broad shoulders. The peach scent of the shampoo he used swirled across her nostrils. It didn't mask his natural thyme musk. _Apology accepted_.

"You smell nice," she said without thinking. Instantly her mind recalled Inuyasha saying the same thing to her once upon a time.

"So do you." he replied simply.

Kagome gave him one more squeeze to tell him she wouldn't leave him. Then she inched away just in time for Kanrau to reappear with three steaming bowls of miso soup.

"I wasn't sure if you'd be hungry too, Sesshoumaru, so I made you a bowl. I hope you don't mind." He said as he seated himself and set the bowls and spoons out on the table.

Sesshoumaru grasped the spoon and dipped it into the thick greenish soup. His hand was shaking so much the metal tinkled against the bowl. He clenched his fist.

Looking over, Kagome bit her lip. "Kanrau."

"I know." Kanrau swallowed his spoonful of soup and leaned forward, "Sesshoumaru, what do your instincts think is going to happen?"

"Many things..." Suddenly, Sesshoumaru set his bowl down. "I know you won't harm me, but I can not control this..._fear_." He spit out the word 'fear' like a poison.

The demon lord looked so ashamed of himself. As if admitting any emotion was somehow to be frowned upon. Kagome was proud of him though, because she knew it took a lot for him to open up the way he just did.

"Sesshoumaru, eat. It's fine." Kagome chewed her lip as she watched the demon's hand tremble against the spoon. It was her fault he'd been triggered.

"Sesshoumaru? Listen to me."

The demon lord focused on Kanrau, but his eyes were faraway.

Kanrau held up his hand and snapped his fingers. "Do this."

Sesshoumaru set the spoon down and snapped his fingers.

"Now, remember that you're the one doing that. You're in control. You're in the present and nobody is going to hurt you. Keep snapping your fingers until the memories back off, okay?" Kanrau's eyes were warm and kind when he rested a friendly hand on Sesshoumaru's forearm. "You're okay, buddy. Just snap your fingers and you'll be fine."

Kagome reached out towards Sesshoumaru, but Kanrau gestured for her to join him in the kitchen. They left Sesshoumaru alone to collect himself. Once they left the room, the demon lord started snapping his fingers over and over. Kanrau pulled the fusama shut and moved over to mix another pot of miso soup.

Kagome leaned on the wall as burning tears stung her eyes. "Oh, God...he's getting worse, isn't he?"

"If what I do doesn't help him," Kanrau stirred the contents of the steaming pot, "medication may be the only route."

"And if that medication just makes him a zombie?"

He frowned and dished up a fresh bowl of soup. "Better a zombie than acting out on his flashbacks. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. What will you do if suddenly he sees us as the people who mistreated him?"

"You're not serious! He...he knows my scent! He'd know I'm not going to hurt him."

"Kagome, my dad used to think I was the jail guard that beat him with a nightstick and threw him into a minefield. The delusion stuck with him until he started taking anti-psychotics. He attacked me once, where do you think I got this?" Kanrau pointed to a small scar above his left eyebrow, "he came at me with a letter opener. Sesshoumaru, as strong as he is, could do a lot worse."

She looked up, horrified, "Shh! He'll hear us!"

He winced and lowered his voice, "Sorry...but...Kagome, love isn't going to fix this. That's movies and bad romance novels. It's going to take a lot more -"

"I know. It's just...I-I'm afraid that I'll lose what little is left of his old personality." said Kagome. She peered around the door to see Sesshoumaru wiping his mouth clean with the side of his hand. Another sigh blew past her lips, "I remember...right after his surgery, I was straightening some of his stuff when I found packs of food. He'd been stealing it from the market and hiding it under his clothes and bed. He was probably delusional and thinking he'd run out of food or something. I...I just left it because I was afraid of what would happen if he knew I knew about it."

"He's just saving up in case you decide to stop offering him meals. He's probably got a stash somewhere around here, too. Whatever you do, don't mess with it. Not yet...he's very at risk for flying off the handle and having a total nervous breakdown. That's not something you want to see."

Kagome hugged herself and leaned back against the fusama door. Sesshoumaru stopped snapping his fingers, and his spoon clinked gently against his bowl while he ate his miso soup. She closed her eyes and felt cold even though the kitchen was warm. Kanrau said nothing as he dished up another bowl of soup and carried it out to Sesshoumaru.

Kagome watched from the doorway. Helplessness sank through her stomach like a piece of iron. _If I had known he would become like this...should I have defibrillated him that day in the home? Should I have gone ahead and given him that morphine overdose while he was vegetative? No! No...there was no way to know. But...he's suffering. He's suffering from something no painkiller can relieve and I just can't help him. I hate this!_

"Kagome?"

She blinked, "Huh?"

Kanrau knelt to her level. Until then she didn't realize she'd slid to sit against the wall. He said, "You look like you have a million things on your mind and don't know which one to focus on first."

Snorting softly, Kagome wiped her bangs off her forehead, "What if he swallows a bunch of pills or runs himself through? I almost feel like I should just let him go."

The doctor's forehead wrinkled.

"Yeah, I know." she said, wiping her eyes dry, "I don't think he really meant that stuff about wanting to die. Yet I'm afraid he did. I just don't want to keep fighting to save him if he's not going to fight to save himself."

"He _is_ fighting, Kagome, but he's losing." Kanrau lowered his voice. Sesshoumaru's reflection flickered in his glasses, showing him still bent over his soup. "Don't give up on him. We'll get him through this."

Leaning forward, Kagome let Kanrau hug her and immediately noticed he wore Old Spice cologne. She'd gotten so used to Sesshoumaru's smooth skin that she was startled at feeling hints of freshly-shaven stubble.

"I hate this helpless feeling, Kanrau. And as bad as I feel, he must feel a thousand times worse. That's what hurts."

"Then maybe you should back off a bit. Not leave, just relax." Kanrau patted her back, "Let me handle him when he has nightmares, gets triggered and asks for help. He'll understand."

"...I guess..." she sighed, embarrassed at breaking down over one rogue thought.

"Listen," he squeezed her shoulders and backed away, "I'm going to see how Sesshoumaru's doing. If he feels up to it, I'll take him out for whatever he needs for this dinner. I'll keep a close watch and see if he takes anything extra...if you know what I mean. What I want you to do is take a nice, long, hot shower and _relax_, okay?"

She nodded mutely. A few moments later she heard Sesshoumaru's low voice murmuring softly to Kanrau. Some scraps of conversation followed.

"Okay," Kanrau said, poking his head in, "Looks like we're leaving. He's stable now, he's just covering his marks." He cocked his head and smiled, "Don't forget that shower."

Kagome finally managed a smile of her own, "Yes, doctor. But you call me if there's a problem of any kind. And if Hana or anybody calls you looking for me, just tell them I have the flu or something."

He made a shooting gesture as if to say 'gotcha' and disappeared again, his dark bangs fluttering in the breeze of his sudden motion.

Sesshoumaru emerged from the bathroom. Kagome didn't notice until she saw his white pant legs stop in front of her. She looked up to find him wearing his white kung fu shirt. With his markings covered and his hair combed over his ears...he passed for a very pale, pretty human. No, a very pale, _stunningly beautiful_ human. He was almost ethereal.

"Hey...feel okay?"

"Yes," Sesshoumaru said. Emotionless, as if he'd never been triggered at all. "I will be fine." He never bothered to ask her why she was sitting on the floor. His mask of uncaring made her smile anyway. For a few seconds he seemed like the old demon lord she knew beyond the well.

Kagome pushed herself up and straightened his collar, then smoothed a wrinkle out of his sleeve. "You look great."

A corner of his mouth curled upwards. He twitched a knowing eyebrow and his amber eyes bore into hers.

"Let's go," Kanrau said from the doorway.

Sesshoumaru brushed past Kagome, trailing his thyme scent and breaking the spell cast by his eerie stare. His back and shoulder muscles moved nicely under the shirt. For a breath she actually wished she was the satin caressing his skin.

Flooded with new energy, Kagome fled to the bathroom as soon as she heard Kanrau's truck start.


	18. Thorn Birds and Demon Hearts

Note: Oh, look, a floating LEMON! And this one comes with a little sugar :D

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 18  
Thorn Birds and Demon Hearts

o0o

Soap operas could only entertain Kagome for so long before the TV wore on her nerves. Shutting it off, she slipped a pair of flip-flops onto her bare feet and stepped outside. The cool late morning air wafted across her skin. Kanrau lived on a quite side-street with the slow feel of the villages she remembered in the Feudal Era. Kagome smiled at that as she stuffed her hands into the pockets of her jean shorts and walked slowly along the walkway.

Kanrau's brown Toyota pickup truck rounded the corner and rolled slowly along the narrow street. The truck lost speed, then picked up and screeched to a halt before slowly coming forward once more.

Kagome's jaw dropped when she saw Sesshoumaru behind the wheel. She could barely hear Kanrau's voice through the open window:

"Auras don't drive trucks, sorry. Keep your foot on the - "

The truck nudged forward another few feet.

"Right. Now keep your eyes on the road. Not your feet."

Sesshoumaru kept his expression composed, but Kagome could almost sense the mounting annoyance in the tightness of his jaw. He looked more out of place driving a truck than he did in a supermarket. Determination hardened his eyes and he slowly turned the wheel like he did it his whole life, and managed to ease the truck into Kanrau's driveway.

Kagome heard a thud when the front bumper banged into the garage door.

"Not bad!" Kanrau climbed out, holding his keys. He frowned at the garage door and looked relieved when it wasn't damaged. "Hi, Kagome!"

"Teaching him to drive, eh?" Kagome grinned. She watched Sesshoumaru slide out of the truck and shove the door shut. His shoes and the cuffs of his pants were dirty, but his satin Kung Fu shirt remained immaculate. He, too, frowned at the garage door he'd bumped. Slipping a hand between the door and the bumper, he shoved the truck back a good foot without any effort. Its tires screeched on the driveway cement since he left it in park.

Kanrau's eyes almost bugged out. "Holy...how strong _are_ you?"

"I could easily lift this truck and hurl it." Sesshoumaru replied lazily. He walked around to the tailgate and examined the pile of whatever it was he kept concealed under two tarps. Grabbing the bundle, he hefted it over his shoulder and nearly set it down right on the sidewalk.

"Ah! Please, do that in the back yard!" Kanrau scrambled for the gate by the side of his house. "I...don't think the neighbors want to see that."

Sesshoumaru gave the male doctor one of his cold looks. He carried the bundle through the gate.

"He's not much for conversation." Kanrau went on, joining Kagome again near the end of the driveway. "But he sure seems interested in learning. He picked up driving pretty fast for somebody who barely knows what a car _is_."

Kagome scuffed her flip-flops on a crack in the cement. "I guess he's starting to adapt."

Kanrau shrugged. He pushed his glasses up on his nose and looked square into Kagome's eyes. "I saw him hunt. Took him up to Mitake gorge. Man! He moved so fast - I couldn't even see it. One second he stood right by the truck, watching two deer - " he moved near the rear tires, " - and the next he's fifty feet away with those same two deer dead on the ground. Their necks were broken. Clean kills. Not a drop of blood. I didn't see him _move!_"

"You've hardly seen what he can do." Kagome almost forgot why Kanrau would be so shocked. She'd seen so many demons back in the day that she was almost used to it. Sesshoumaru's abilities were so familiar to her. She realized, suddenly, how much she was beginning to take them for granted.

"I know enough to stay the hell away from his claws when he's pissed." Kanrau grinned and pointedly rubbed his shoulder. "I hope I get a few cool scars as a reminder."

Laughing, Kagome playfully shoved him towards the front door. "C'mon, let's go see what Sesshoumaru does with those deer."

Kagome expected a messy, barbaric scene. She was shocked to find exactly the opposite - the dear were skinned and their innards piled neatly inside their own membranes. Except, she noticed, for the hearts.

Sesshoumaru, his back to them, had stripped to the waist and removed his shoes. The scars on his back pulled on the edges of his skin each time he moved. Aside from a little blood smattered on his pants and a crimson coating on both hands, he was perfectly clean and unaffected by the gore next to him. He brought his arm across his body and swung outward, and his green whip of light neatly cut the heads off both deer.

"Where are the hearts?" Kagome asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Sesshoumaru looked over his shoulder. "The soul exists in the heart. Ripping it out with dirty hands after it has stopped beating would insult the beings who gave their lives to feed us. A higher honor would be to take the heart first and eat it while it still beats, but that is not your way." His eyes moved to Kagome and glinted like piercing golden fire in the sunlight. "There is an even older legend regarding the heart of a demon. But first..." He faced them and held up his bloody hands, which looked like crimson gloves. "I need to wash myself."

"That's something." Kanrau said, tilting his head. He pulled the back door open and led Sesshoumaru into the kitchen, where he turned on hot water and offered him a bar of soap.

The water turned crimson as it poured down the drain. Sesshoumaru's milky skin gradually emerged from beneath the blood like the sun after a storm. He scrubbed his hands with a surgeon's precision until not even a speck of blood marred his skin. Then he turned to Kagome while he dried his hands on a dish towel.

"Once, there was a demon wounded in battle. He had been torn open from here - " Sesshoumaru gestured to the base of his neck and drew a line to his belly button, " - to here. The only part of his viscera injured was his heart. His heart's wound refused to heal because the edges could not approximate. He lay for many days waiting for death."

Sesshoumaru turned to look out at the sky, and with his hair cut short he seemed suddenly small.

"A noblewoman happened upon him. She thought him beautiful. Without thought to herself or her own life, she placed her hands around the demon's heart and held it together so that it could heal. The demon awoke and saw her kindness..." His hand moved to his own chest, "and from then on his heart belonged only to her."

With that, he slid the back door open and stepped out into the sun to finish preparing the deer carcasses.

Kagome blinked out of the spell his words cast over her. She looked over at Kanrau, who kept his head bowed.

"That is the most I've ever heard him say since I met him." Kanrau spoke in an undertone. "I read that legend. It's pretty obscure."

Kagome's eyes were focused on Sesshoumaru as he delicately removed the heart from each deer carcass. He cupped them in his hands like fragile eggs, and she flashed back to the operating room where her own hands were wrapped around his beating heart. Then Sesshoumaru knelt and the spell broke. He placed the hearts separately on a clean towel kept far from the other viscera piled beside the severed deer heads.

"I wonder why there aren't any flies or ants." Kanrau leaned on the doorframe.

"A barrier." Kagome replied. She extended a fingertip and a spark jumped between her finger and the bubble of demonic energy Sesshoumaru erected to keep vermin out.

Sesshoumaru looked up when she disturbed his barrier. His eyes were hard. He wanted to be left alone.

Kagome nodded and gestured for Kanrau to move back. "Let's leave him be."

o0o

Morning melded into afternoon and evening. One of the deer Sesshoumaru spent all morning preparing was now cooking over an open flame. Kanrau wasn't too happy about the demon lord using timber from his fence _or_ pieces of his camping equipment to build a spit for one of the deer.

The other?

Kagome walked out to check on Sesshoumaru and found him ripping raw meat off the bones of the deer with his teeth. He made the action look simultaneously savage and refined. His facial stripes were jagged and his eyes shone red under the afternoon sun, and it reminded her that beneath all his beauty, he was _not_ human. Therefore, it startled her when she felt herself becoming aroused as she watched him run his tongue down the length of a rib and violently turn his head to tear off another strip of muscle. The way his clawed hands gripped both the sternum and spine and how the tendons in his neck tightened under his skin - this was Sesshoumaru at his most primal. The last time she saw him like this was the night they had sex.

His silver hair shone under the sun. The shag style really suited his features. A few strands fell over his moon, half obscuring it.

Sesshoumaru turned his head. His eyes pierced Kagome's with reflections of the fire beside him. Kagome pressed a hand against the glass door. He was probably the last full-blooded demon alive in the world. Even with her and Kanrau as company, he would always be _alone_.

His gaze washed over her until she lowered her head. Had she done the right thing the day she defibrillated his comatose form in the nursing home?

__

Did you want to be found, Sesshoumaru?

In all the time she'd known him, she never knew what made him tick. She still didn't know, even now, as he crouched there like a statue lit by daylight and firelight.

Sesshoumaru's tongue followed another rib. His teeth ripped into a chunk of meat that he swallowed after one chew. Blood dripped from his lips, only to be wiped away by the heel of his hand.

Kagome smiled a little to herself and left him to his own devices.

o0o

The raw deer was picked clean and the bones dried over the fire. It took Sesshoumaru all day to eat that deer while its brother cooked. Half of Kanrau's neighborhood probably smelled like venison by now. At the moment the fire was banked to let the meat cool.

Twice, Kagome offered to help Sesshoumaru dish everything up, and both times he told her to back off. Kanrau received the same treatment. Then Sesshoumaru disappeared.

So Kagome and Kanrau waited in the living room. They were both dressed in brightly colored formal kimonos - Kanrau with his hair down and Kagome's in a bun held with plain white sticks.

Kagome couldn't remember the last time she wore so many layers at once. She felt so stiff and awkward, and couldn't find the wherewithal to inform Kanrau of the memories his purple obi brought back.

Sesshoumaru pulled open the fusama between the living room and the dining room. He was dressed in his full feudal attire, and Kagome flashed back to the day he'd loomed over her in his father's grave. She was holding Tetsusaiga and he towered above her like an unreachable god of death...

She blinked and the present caught up. His long hair and swords were missing, but everything else was still the same. Mere hours ago he savagely tore the meat off a raw deer. The side of him she so easily forgot until she caught its echo in his eyes when he gazed at her from across the room.

Sesshoumaru spoke, "Turn off the lights. There are candles already lit."

Kanrau pressed the switch on the wall behind him. The room fell into shadow. Kagome knew exactly what memory flashed when she saw Sesshoumaru bare the tip of one fang at the male doctor. He stepped aside and let them pass.

The centerpiece on the table wasn't what Kagome expected. Four ribs from the deer Sesshoumaru didn't cook were arranged so their tips met in the middle like a bony dome, and beneath them burned four small candles in a white bowl. A fifth sat unlit in the center. Three plates were already dished up with strips of meat that smelled delicious. The chopsticks they would use were carved out of the deer bones and the bottom ends had been filed into sharp points.

"Wow, this is - "

A sharp golden look stifled Kanrau's voice.

Silently, Sesshoumaru stepped around the table and seated himself on his zabuton. He spread both arms in a gesture for them to sit. No prayer was uttered. He simply snatched his chopsticks in his right hand and brought them out to the side, clicking their tips together with a loud CRACK.

When he held that pose, Kagome realized they were meant to mimic him. She nodded to Kanrau, who mirrored the demon's movement. Kagome followed.

Sesshoumaru's arm snapped across his body to his left side. CRACK went his chopsticks. He lifted his hand and clicked his chopsticks again when they were level with his head. Finally, he brought his left hand up to his face and extended two fingers as if to shush everyone in the room. His eyes opened and the fifth candle in the bowl suddenly ignited in a flare of demonic power.

"Wow!" Kanrau whispered, his voice soft enough to not disturb the moment.

Sesshoumaru lowered his chopsticks to his plate, took a bite and nodded to show it was all right to eat.

Kagome looked at her plate. The deer meat was coated in a sauce she couldn't identify. She warily speared a piece on her chopsticks to taste it.

Blood. _Raw_ blood right from the hearts of the deer.

Kanrau's startled expression gave away he realized the same thing.

"The barrier I erected kills everything smaller than us. That includes microorganisms." Sesshoumaru stated without looking up from his plate. "You need not worry about food borne illnesses."

"It's pretty tasty, actually." Kanrau fed himself another bite. He reached for the glass at his right, sipped it and coughed. "There's blood in the sake?"

Kagome tasted hers out of morbid curiosity. Her mouth filled with the coppery flavor mixed into a liquor sting. Personally, she wasn't fond of eating raw blood, but rejecting the meal Sesshoumaru spent all day preparing didn't sit any better in her stomach.

"Demon sake would render you unconscious after one sip." Sesshoumaru sounded amused. "I...compromised. The taste is the same, but the alcohol content is far less."

The meal fell silent then.

Kagome kept watching Sesshoumaru eat. Her mind flashed between his fangs tearing chunks of raw meat off bone and the dainty way he took tiny bites off the tips of the chopsticks. His lowered eyes suddenly opened to fix on her. Candlelight suited him well - his irises shone like molten gold around his black pupils. The corner of his mouth twitched into a smirk that bared one fang. He guided a strip of meat to his mouth and slowly sucked it off his chopsticks. Then he passed the end of one across his tongue to clean it, and Kagome's lower belly felt heavy and hot all over again.

She caught herself wishing to feel his mouth on her skin.

__

He's seducing me. In his own little language of silence, he's seducing me.

Poor Kanrau had no clue of the 'conversation' going on right in front of him.

Kagome rubbed the rim of her sake glass on her bottom lip without taking her eyes off Sesshoumaru's. She saw his pupils widen just a little more in response. He could smell what he was doing to her. She had no doubt about that.

"Mm, this was delicious." Kanrau politely wiped his mouth as he finished the contents of his plate. "Is it all right if I clean up after myself and tuck myself in? This food is making me a bit sleepy. You guys can leave your dishes in the sink. I'll get 'em in the morning."

"It is fine." Sesshoumaru stated. The seductive gaze he'd flashed Kagome became an amused glimmer before his attention returned to his plate.

Kagome also resumed eating. As she tasted more, it started going down easier. The blood was seeping into the meat, making it juicy and warm. Sesshoumaru hadn't drowned the meat in it, he'd just sprinkled it on like sauce for flavoring.

Behind them, Kanrau washed his dishes and put them away. He shut off the kitchen light. "Night, kids." He said playfully. Sesshoumaru glanced up and nodded as he swallowed the last morsel on his plate.

Kagome was still eating, and grew conscious of Sesshoumaru's eyes watching her take every last bite. The sake made her head feel a little fuzzy around the edges.

"The past cannot live unless I share it." Sesshoumaru whispered. "One mind can't contain so many memories."

Kagome let him take her empty plate and sake glass. "Is that why you did this?"

Sesshoumaru nodded and blew out the candles, casting the dining room into near darkness. Kagome felt his furry pelt brush her bare feet when he carried their dishes into the kitchen.

It looked almost ridiculous - Sesshoumaru, in his full Feudal attire, standing in a modern kitchen. Kagome suppressed a giggle. She got up to join him, turning on the light as she went, and they washed the dishes together to save Kanrau the trouble. Rather, _she_ washed. He stood back to watch her, and the weight of his presence in both the past and present pressed against her consciousness like deep water.

Kagome set the last dish into its proper cupboard, shut off the kitchen light and turned around.

Sesshoumaru hadn't moved. They stood as close as they did when he wanted the Tetsusaiga. Now he wanted something else, and nothing would stop him. Blue light from the digital clock on Kanrau's microwave allowed just enough luminescence to see his eyes staring at her in the darkness. It gave his eyes a new, electric sheen. So beautiful, so beyond this world...a survivor of forever filled with the past.

"I read a rather interesting novel right after my surgery." Sesshoumaru whispered. "Do you know the legend of the thorn bird, Kagome?"

"I heard of the book." Kagome was drowning in his eyes, and had no desire for salvation. "B-but I don't remember that part off the top of my head."

He brushed his thumb over her chin. "There once was a bird that only sang once in its lifetime. From the very moment it left its nest, it searched for a thorn tree, and did not rest until it found one. When it did finally locate one, it would sing. It would sing as it impaled itself on the largest thorn on the bush, and as it died it rose above its own agony until its song outshone the lark and the nightingale. The bird pays its life for one fantastic song, yet the whole world stops to listen. Even the gods stop to hear it, because only through this bird's suffering can its best be brought forth. It is driven to the thorn with no knowledge of the dying to come."

Hot lumps formed in the back of Kagome's throat. "That's so sad."

"No..." his thumb moved to dry the inner corner of her eye. He lowered his head, half obscuring his eyes behind his bangs. "What is sad is we _know_ what is to come when we point thorns at our hearts, yet we do it anyway."

Reaching up, Kagome closed her fists around the two spikes on his chest plate. She felt them dip down and then his breath, hungry and hot, brushed her face right before their lips came together like opposing ocean tides fighting to occupy the same depth. He pulled the sticks from her bun and tangled his fingers in her locks. The forgotten hair sticks clattered onto the kitchen floor. She felt the weight of her hair, of _him_. His mouth still tasted like meat, blood and sake. He shoved her against the cold refrigerator that she barely noticed through all the fabric on her body as his lips hungrily outlined her fluttering pulse.

__

Too much between us. Kagome thought in frustration. Her fingertips traced the V at his throat created by his kimono while his fingers sought her breasts through the layers of cloth on her body. Tugging Sesshoumaru's hand, she led him towards their shared bedroom. Kanrau slept heavy - he wouldn't hear them.

They barely crossed the doorway when Sesshoumaru's hands yanked at the fabric around Kagome's waist. All at once she felt lighter. He tugged his own ornate obi off and she caressed the cool leather and metal of his armor. She pulled on the straps holding Sesshoumaru's cuirass to his torso until it fell away. Her palms hissed lightly across the expanse of silk covering his warm, breathing chest. One piece at a time, she cast the past off his body. Her lips were everywhere, mouthing him through the silk and licking at his earlobes. A greedy mouth traced her jaw and her spirit ached in need for him. She arched at his hands pushing her kimono open a layer at a time until his fingertips encountered her bare skin. He licked a line from her collarbones to her left breast. She forgot how to breathe when his mouth made love to her nipples. He rubbed the tips of his claws in gentle circles around them. Then he ran his tongue down her sternum and followed her rib to her nipple. He bit it, gently. Sharp tingling shot straight into her loins, and she felt his lips smugly smile against her chest when she let out a yelp. His right hand slid down, down, down and played with her through her panties. Her pelvic floor muscles jerked. He'd worked her into such a state that she could hear the faint slurping sounds of her own juices squishing against her body.

Sesshoumaru brought his fingers to his nose and sniffed. Smirking, he licked them clean, put his hand right back where he had it and leaned towards her again. She could taste the musty, salty flavor of herself in his kiss. He dove into her, savage and unrelenting as his hot tongue probed the roof of her mouth and gums. She tasted the dangerous points of his fangs and the soft insides of his lips. He filled all five of her senses until she didn't know where she ended and he began.

Sesshoumaru's fingers sped up their movements. Kagome gasped, clinging to his upper arms. He kissed her hard, muffling her moans when she lost herself. Her orgasm left her more frustrated than before, and panties were suddenly the bane of all existence. Kagome shoved her underwear off her pelvis before reaching out to untie and remove Sesshoumaru's hakama. His erection strained against the fundoshi he wore underneath. She grabbed it through the fabric, causing him to growl. The fundoshi came off with a flick of his claws.

The last garments fell away, and now the past lay around them in whirlwind piles of clothing and armor.

Kagome lowered onto her knees and took him into her mouth. He was hot between her lips, the soft tip of his manhood slick with arousal. She'd never done this before, and her movements were clumsy, yet it didn't matter. Sesshoumaru's arms flew out sideways to grip the doorframe. He arched up onto his toes with a throaty snarl. Kagome felt him throb twice before he erupted, warm, thick and salty, into her mouth.

Their lips met again in a rush of heated desire. She didn't even have time to swallow. He seemed excited by the taste of his own semen in her mouth, but he backed off slightly so she could swallow it and breathe.

Kagome was aware of Sesshoumaru guiding her to lay supine and the warmth of his fluffy pelt beneath her back. He covered her like a storm, and she took in his touch like parched earth. His hands were everywhere on her skin, almost like he had ten at once. She could barely see his outline in the darkened room. There was only his eyes, which looked nowhere other than into hers. As if nothing else in the world existed.

Kagome cupped his cheek. He leaned into it, licking her palm. Then his face descended until their lips met once more. She grabbed his tight backside, grinning at his possessive growl. His scars didn't bother her when she ran her fingers up his spine. The roughness tickled her palms. Somewhere beneath that roughness, behind his beast and inside his beating heart, something purer than Heaven shimmered. The light of his soul shone through his eyes, and the piece of hers that rose to meet that light responded to it.

"I love you," Kagome whispered.

Sesshoumaru pressed his mouth to hers more gently than before. He was smiling.

Hot pressure formed between her legs as his erection returned. She spread her legs wider, wrapping them around his waist and reaching down with one hand to guide him in. Nothing existed between them now - not time, not a broken heart, not even a second guess.

Their lovemaking was hot and frantic like a single ember fanned into a blazing bonfire. Kagome felt the power of the same being she saw tear a raw deer apart. Every thrust, every moan, every harsh breath rocked her existence. He interlocked their fingers and the pure pink light of her priestess aura mingled in the poisonous green glow of his demonic one. The next time they kissed, everything they were - beyond even the physical - came together to bathe the room in the heat of their joining.

Kagome arched into the pushing and pulling and tingling fullness. Sesshoumaru's pulse throbbed inside her. He needed her so badly that she heard him growl softly at each exhalation. The line where instinct and logic met grew thinner until it vanished in the sheen of his eyes.

Kagome's response rose and turned inward. He angled himself so his pubic fluff tickled where she ached the most. She felt her pelvis heat up and his throat swallowed the cry of her release. Not a moment later, he grunted and his jaw tightened against her temple. Drawing back, she looked straight into his faintly glowing eyes through the duration of his orgasm. It came over him like a wave, opening him for a moment before fading into quiet panting.

Their auras dissipated as suddenly as they appeared. Time emerged from its chrysalis once more. The only sound in the room was their heavy breathing.

Sesshoumaru's lips ghosted over Kagome's. Kagome still felt his pulse beating strongly inside her. Utter vindication for their first time together. She smiled into his kiss and slipped her arms around his neck.

He moved to pull out.

"No." Kagome held on with her legs. "Stay inside."

He nodded and rolled over to let her lay across his chest. His clawed hands rubbed her back. She mirrored his motions on his pectorals, which rose and fell against her breasts. With her cheek on his collarbone, she could ever so faintly hear his artificial valve clicking. His thyme scent filled her nostrils, tinged faintly in the sea foam smell of his release.

"That legend I told you about the demon's heart..." Sesshoumaru whispered. His post-orgasm voice had a husk to it he never had any other time he spoke, and Kagome liked it.

"Yeah?"

"It was my father. And the woman - "

"Inuyasha's mother?"

Sesshoumaru's chin moved up and down in a slow nod. "And now, you."

That made her smile. "Humans really aren't so bad now, are they?"

He touched her lips with a fingertip. "Shh. No more words."

Kagome nodded. She pulled an edge of his pelt over them both. Their combined body heat and Sesshoumaru's rhythmic breathing gently lulled her to sleep.


	19. Oreo Cookies and Cold Viruses

o0o

**Embrace the Silence**

Chapter 19  
Oreo Cookies and Cold Viruses

o0o

During the night, Kagome and Sesshoumaru turned onto their sides and huddled closer amidst the furry pelt surrounding them. Kagome woke up to Sesshoumaru still asleep with half his face buried in fur and his hair all mashed to one side. His eyes moved beneath their red lids. She saw his mouth twitch.

_What are you dreaming about?_ Kagome wondered. _I won't guess...but it's nice to look at you like this and know you'll wake up_.

She saw how a line of sunlight faded into being through a crack in the window blinds. It slowly stretched into a sliver that perfectly outlined the uppermost purple stripe on his pale cheekbone. She studied his long, thick eyelashes as they shivered with the movement of his eyelids. Once upon a time, she thought he used something to enhance them.

Perhaps Sesshoumaru took pride in naturally having all the elements men _and_ women often sought to improve.

It really wasn't fair.

Kanrau started the shower, which made a loud WHUMP in the wall behind Kagome. Sesshoumaru's eyes abruptly opened and his pupils equalized to the light level in the room. He blinked sleepily a few times.

"Morning," Kagome smiled. She didn't feel too bad about her own messy hair because Sesshoumaru's was ten times worse. Bed-head suited him more than it did her.

He cupped her chin in a curved finger and rubbed his thumb over her bottom lip. His expression betrayed nothing when he got up, rooted around for a pair of jeans and put them on without bothering with underwear. They were tight, dark jeans fitting close to his rear end and accentuating his long legs to their best advantage.

Kagome hardly noticed the scars on his back anymore. How could she when his wonderful specimen of a butt distracted her so much?

Sesshoumaru turned around and stretched. He looked like a magazine ad for jeans. The surgical scar on his left side was just a faint, faded mark slightly paler than the rest of his skin. In another week it'd be gone, and nobody would know he had surgery at all. He bent all the way forward without bending his knees and rested his hands flat on the floor, stretching that way.

Kagome watched him. She grinned. "Can you do a handstand?"

Sesshoumaru tilted himself up onto his hands with utter ease. Walking on his hands so he could gaze at her upside down, he raised a brow. His hair hung off his head like silver spikes. He did a simple walkover, stood up again stretched his arms once more with a ferocious, toothy yawn. "Does that answer your question?"

"Stop tempting me," Kagome teased.

"Stop being so easily tempted." Sesshoumaru replied, smirking at her. "And I am not the one still naked at - " he glanced at the digital clock on a nearby table. " - nine fifteen in the morning."

She stuck her tongue out at him in the same instant she rolled over to locate her backpack of clothes. Following Sesshoumaru's lead, she pulled on a white tank top without a bra and slipped a pair of green denim shorts over her bare bottom. Knowing Sesshoumaru had no underwear on, and knowing he knew she didn't have any either, felt somehow naughty and exciting.

Sesshoumaru reached up to pat his rebellious hair into a small semblance of order. Kagome wondered, idly, if he regretted cutting it short. Sometimes she missed the sight of it blowing in the wind or feeling it brush her when he passed.

The scars on Sesshoumaru's back disappeared as he pulled his white hoodie over his head and tugged it down.

"Kanrau is an interesting human." Sesshoumaru said.

Kagome rose onto her knees and fished for her brush. She began pulling it through her hair. "Oh?"

"He knows quite a lot about the myths and legend of the era I came from." He lazily combed his hair with his fingers and it just fell into place as if he'd used mousse. "I knew he was descended from Naraku the moment I saw him. He possesses no demonic auras, so you have nothing to fear from him. The only connection he has is DNA. He isn't like you."

"He isn't a reincarnation, you mean..."

Nodding, Sesshoumaru stared ahead at the mirror he'd been standing next to since he got up. "You should go to work. Kanrau isn't planning anything for tonight."

"I'd already be three hours late for my shift." Kagome pouted.

The shower shut off in the next room.

She went on, "Does the idea of facing all of it scare you at all?"

Sesshoumaru shot her one of his acerbic looks. "No one is fearless, Kagome."

With that, he walked out and the void where he stood loomed beside the mirror long after he closed the door.

Kagome took some time to comb her hair and wash her mouth out with bottled water. Even with a good night's sleep she still had dark circles under her eyes. Sneering, she reached for her concealer and some eyeshadow. In a few moments she resembled a human being.

_Nice. He wakes up looking like a supermodel and I look like I fell off a truck_.

She made a face and peeked out into the living room.

Kanrau and Sesshoumaru were sitting on the floor, facing each other with two tall glasses of milk between them. Sesshoumaru looked amusingly baffled, and in his hands he held a small black and white cookie.

"This is one of the most important things you can learn in modern times." Kanrau said quietly. "You can eat an Oreo two ways. Like this..." He twisted one apart and licked the white filling inside. Then he ate the rest of it. "Or...and this is my favorite...you dip it." He picked up another cookie and held it halfway into his glass of milk. Just long enough for the milk to turn spotty with cookie grains.

Sesshoumaru mimicked him. "This is an odd ritual."

"Yeah? It's a modern one. Okay, now eat it."

The demon lord lifted the soggy cookie to his mouth and bit down, and his eyes half-closed in pure delight. He swallowed and said, "It tastes...nice."

"Hey!" Kagome laughed when she joined them. Kanrau poured her a glass of milk and passed it to her. She gratefully accepted it. "Souta and I used to have races. We'd see who could eat their Oreo and finish off the milk first. It got pretty messy."

"That sounds unseemly," Sesshoumaru remarked.

"What? Not up for a challenge?" Kagome teased. "Afraid I'll win?"

He scowled and picked up a cookie in one hand, his other wrapped itself around the milk glass. "We shall see."

"I'm in." Kanrau picked up his milk glass and another Oreo. "Ready, set, GO!"

All three of them dipped and devoured their Oreo. Even Sesshoumaru, who moved the fastest, never lost his dignity. He ate like a saint while Kagome and Kanrau splattered crumbs everywhere.

Kagome gulped down her milk in the same moment Kanrau started drinking his. She saw Sesshoumaru tip his head back, set his empty glass down and smirk.

"I believe I've won." Sesshoumaru said smugly. He seemed utterly oblivious to his milk mustache.

Kagome coughed as she swallowed the last of her milk. Kanrau wiped his upper lip with the back of his hand. Sesshoumaru finally rubbed his own face clean with his palm.

"So," Kagome's belly felt comfortably full with the milk she consumed, "Are you an Oreo fan yet?"

"Hn." Sesshoumaru turned his head, refusing to answer.

Later, when Kagome and Kanrau walked out the door with Sesshoumaru, Kagome noticed the demon lord had palmed the last cookie. He nibbled on it in the truck.

o0o

A tinkle of glass signaled the marble's drop into the ramune bottle. Kagome handed the sizzling bottle to Ken and smiled at him when he grinned. Then she slipped out to check on Vicki.

Hana sat at her little niche near the front desk, typing away at her computer.

"How's Sesshou?"

Kagome shifted her weight, and the inseam of the shorts she wore under her scrubs reminded her that she didn't wear any underwear. She still felt mildly sensitive from the night before. "He's okay."

Hana nodded once and turned to the pile of charts next to her computer. "Ugh, new admissions are a pain. Oh, did you hear? Akemi got fired."

The sluggish day snapped around Kagome like a rubber band. "What? Why?"

"She was caught nicking narcs from the back and failed the drug test."

"So she was on _drugs?_" Kagome didn't even disguise her shock and disgust. Akemi always rubbed her the wrong way. Learning she was a thief only compounded her dislike for the girl. "I knew there was a reason I didn't like her much."

"Funny. Sesshou used to comment that she smelled bad." Hana signed something on one of the charts before setting it into her outbox. "I have a new gork in ten. He's not going to be a miracle like Sesshou was. He stroked out on an aneurysm. Sad case...he's only forty and he's never going to wake up, but the family won't let go."

A shudder ran down Kagome's spine. There was a time when even she began to doubt whether Sesshoumaru would ever open his eyes.

"Anyway...I hear you spent the night with doctor Yakamoto. Did you..."

"No!" Kagome looked at Hana and giggled. "We helped Sesshou get a few good nights of sleep He's doing better today than he did yesterday. And the day before that - ick. Kanrau thinks taking him through the experiences with hypnosis might help."

"I hope so. Now - Kanrau?" The plain looking nurse regarded Kagome over the rims of her glasses. "You're on a first name basis? Are you sure you aren't - "

"I'm SURE!" Kagome wadded up a tissue and tossed it playfully at Hana. It bounced off the computer console. She raised a brow when Hana started making a cut off gesture at her throat. "The two of them _are_ eye candy, that much I'll admit."

Pale arms slipped around Kagome's waist from behind. They wore sleeves rolled up to the elbows, and one had a cotton ball taped to the crook from a recent blood test. Purple stripes drew slashes up the outer edge of each forearm.

"I certainly hope I was to your tastes, Kagome." Sesshoumaru purred. Then a fang nipped the shell of Kagome's ear before the demon lord's aura disappeared in the direction of the exercise room. She could practically see the smirk on his face even though his back was facing her.

"Kagome? He totally smiled at you! He never smiles!"

Kagome stood frozen, her face redder than a tomato skin as Hana burst into hysterics.

"Oh. My. God. Kagome? Did you and he - "

"Hana..."

"Restroom, now! I need the juice on this."

"_Hana!_"

"I mean it! There hasn't been any action around here since Akemi left. I'm bored." Hana collected herself enough to encircle Kagome's wrist in her fingers and led her like a fussy child to the women's restroom just down the hall.

Gossiping about how good Sesshoumaru was at sex wasn't Kagome's highest priority. Sharing jewels like that meant the little bubble of _them_ she'd placed around herself would slip out into the open. What if talking about it offended Sesshoumaru?

"I um..." She considered how Sesshoumaru's body language made what happened between them as obvious as the glasses on Hana's face. "We had dinner last night and..." She gesticulated with her fingers to indicate a penis entering a vagina, "One thing led to another."

Hana's brown eyes lit up behind her glasses. "What was he _like?_"

Chewing her bottom lip, Kagome searched her mind for a proper word. One without any demeaning undertones while telling the absolute truth.

It came to her.

She smiled.

"_Feral_."

Grinning, Hana folded her arms and leaned back against the sink. She was wearing pearl teardrop earrings that went well with her scrubs. "You're the luckiest girl I know. The other girls around here can only _dream_ of - "

"You mean drool and tail behind him like puppies?"

Hana snickered. "Akemi kept telling me she saw you and him exchanging looks at the table the other day. Maybe she's jealous because her boyfriend is horrible in bed. At least from what she said."

Kagome washed her hands for want of something to do with her fingers. Her ears were hot and red under the neon restroom lights. She resisted the urge to splash cold water on them. "Oh, I'm pretty sure you're just as wild and crazy in bed. You know what they say about the quiet ones."

"Oh, right. I'm still waiting for Mr. Right."

"You can always ask doctor Yakamoto out." Kagome grinned at the mirror. "He's single, you know."

"Right. As soon as I'm Miss World."

Their laughter filled the bathroom, but Kagome found the noise almost too tight for her brain. Sesshoumaru's presence in her life had the weirdest effect of funneling the universe around them into its own quiet little space-time continuum.

"I still can't believe Akemi's gone." Kagome said, more to fill the silence than anything. Even as she went on talking, she found herself understanding what Sesshoumaru meant about always cluttering the quiet with idle talk. "She was abrasive...but she always had juicier gossip than I could ever come up with."

"I never trusted her, personally. Not with any huge, deep stories like you and Sesshou." Hana handed her a towel from the automatic dispenser. "Hang onto him, Kagome. He seems to trust you more than anybody else around here."

"It's just the whole nurse-patient relationship - "

"Oh, bull. I don't think he's really a patient anymore. He's ambulating, he's eating, his new valve is working great. Stop scaring yourself and let things happen."

Kagome rolled her eyes and dried her hands. "I hope his bloodwork comes out okay."

"Is Sesshou on anticoagulants?"

"Surprisingly? No. He doesn't need them, but he gets bloodwork done to keep checking on that, since it can change."

Hana reached for the door, looking amused. "Sometimes, I swear that guy isn't human."

"You'd say the same thing if you saw how he looked last night." Kagome smirked to herself at the utter _truth_ in her own words. Unbidden, images of Sesshoumaru's teeth pulling deer muscle off a rib flashed over her mind.

Laughing, Hana let herself out of the ladies room. Kagome breathed out a heavy sigh. She relieved herself in one of the stalls, washed her hands again and sat down at her station to finish up her scut work.

o0o

Kanrau left a message on Kagome's phone informing her that he'd be stuck working late, so she should just take Sesshoumaru home to her apartment. She didn't feel like going home straight away - and took Sesshoumaru with her to Wacdnald's.

"Man, I could use a double cheeseburger and a shake right now. Do you want anything?"

Sesshoumaru wrinkled his nose. "I refuse to eat anything from this establishment." Then he walked off and sat down at the table nearest the door.

Shrugging, Kagome made her order, grabbed napkins and plopped down across from him. Sesshoumaru's eyelids dropped low over his eyes. He yawned twice into his hand.

Kagome arranged the items on her tray. The burger came with a free fortune cookie. She tore the plastic wrapper off the cookie and set it aside. "Are you all right?"

"My endurance isn't yet what it was. I only ran three hours on the treadmill before I became winded."

She almost choked on a bite of cheeseburger. Sometimes she forgot about all those little idiosyncrasies that separated demonic bodies from humans. What came off as Herculean strength to her felt weak in his eyes.

"How did your bloodwork come out?"

"The nurse informed me that doctor Bessho would call you tomorrow."

"Right. I'm so used to just doing it and processing it." Kagome shook her head to hide her embarrassment.

Sesshoumaru leaned back in the booth and stretched out his legs. His calves brushed the sides of Kagome's shins.

"Did you ever bring Inuyasha here?"

Yet another sentence that almost sent Kagome choking. She stared at his face for what seemed like ages, asking herself if she heard him correctly.

"Um...once." She swallowed when her monologue returned. "He really only liked the ramen from this time. I could've brought him the most expensive gourmet burger, and he'd ask me why I forgot the ramen."

"Hn."

Sesshoumaru fit his calves around Kagome's lower legs and crossed his ankles, holding her in place. The low seats allowed him to accomplish the act without changing his posture at all.

Kagome blushed and offered him the fortune cookie. "Here. Crack it open and read the paper inside. Let's see if it tells us anything important."

With a bored shrug, he took the crispy cookie between his clawed fingertips and cracked it open with surgical precision. He unfolded the paper. All of a sudden, he rested his cheek on his palm and flashed a small, toothy grin. As if he had a real reason to smile and didn't bother suppressing it. Dark amusement danced in his eyes when they met hers. His fingers flipped the paper around to let her read it.

_Don't ask, don't say.  
Everything lies in silence_.

Blinking, Kagome grabbed the fortune to read it closer. She giggled, hyper-aware that Sesshoumaru's eyes were still focused on her face. His smile was already gone.

"Wow," she said, "we should keep that one."

"Yes." Sesshoumaru took the paper from her fingers and tucked it into his jeans pocket. "You cluttered the silence often before I fully awakened."

"You could hear me?"

He shook his head only a little. "Not always, and I cannot wholly recall what I did hear. I just know you liked to talk. A lot."

A small family came in and ordered from the front counter. Two parents and a little boy. They sat at the table across from Kagome and Sesshoumaru. Sesshoumaru wrinkled his nose at the scent of the onion rings. Processed foods probably smelled horrible and artificial to him.

He yawned again into his hand.

Deciding to spare him the headache, Kagome finished her milkshake. "Come on, let's head to my place. Er, I need my legs, thanks."

Sesshoumaru smirked. "As you please." His legs uncurled from around hers in the same instant he pushed himself upright.

Kagome emptied her tray into the trash bin and set the tray on top of the other three. She felt Sesshoumaru's hand slide into hers as they stepped out into the crisp evening air. Clouds obscured the sky in a sheet of slate gray.

"I can't believe it's almost winter. It's been so warm out this fall."

"It is going to rain."

"When?"

Sesshoumaru looked up. "Now."

A cool droplet bounced off Kagome's nose. Another struck her left forearm. Yet another plopped against her forehead. Then the sky opened up in a hiss of raindrops hitting metal, cement and tree leaves.

People on the streets scrambled for umbrellas or an awning to cover themselves, but Sesshoumaru didn't budge. All around him was the chaos caused by those caught outside in the storm, and he stood there, getting soaked like it didn't even matter.

Kagome found herself quite taken with how water droplets slid across his small lips. She wondered what the rain tasted like on his mouth.

"Hey."

He looked at her.

She boldly took his face in her hands and answered her own question. He had the flavor of storms, of wind and electricity and immeasurable power. His lips parted for her while the rain slicked his hair down and washed away the foundation covering his facial markings. She kissed like it was the first time a man ever touched lips with her, and in the silence of the rain it was beautiful.

They pulled back after a short eternity.

Kagome said nothing, because talking would muddy the silent moment they created. Sesshoumaru's eyes tilted in a look of approval, and a single raindrop trickled along one of his perfect, sculpted eyebrows.

They walked slowly towards Kagome's apartment, getting soaked in the same rain the surrounding world rushed to escape.

o0o

Demons, it turned out, were not immune to the common cold. The difference between demons and humans? Demons recovered a lot faster.

Apparently, however, not fast enough for Sesshoumaru's liking.

It was only his second day with it, and he made it obvious he hated every moment of the rhinovirus' presence in his sinuses.

"I despise that I can't smell." His voice was husky because of his blocked nose, which looked red from him constantly wiping it. He slumped back in the recliner, holding his head.

"It's been going around the office. I'm surprised I'm not sick yet. You kissed me yesterday, and colds are the most contagious right before you have symptoms." Kagome jumped up when the tea kettle howled. She poured it steaming into a mug and mixed in a dollop of honey with a dash of lemon, stirred and brought it to Sesshoumaru. "Just remember...you went through smallpox and tuberculosis. A cold is nothing compared to them."

"It is undignified all the same." Sesshoumaru grumbled, grabbing the mug without another word. He quickly set it down and leaned forward, taking in several harsh inhalations through his nose. This action alarmed her the first time he did it - right before he informed her that he was fine. It honestly looked like he sneezed in reverse. Her assessment proved correct. Dogs often went into paroxysms of reverse sneezes when something caught in the back of their throat.

So did dog demons, apparently.

Kagome knew what came next, and handed Sesshoumaru a handful of tissues. Sesshoumaru cupped them in his hands as he let out a gigantic "forward" sneeze. He blew his nose, wadded up the tissues and added the wad to the pile on the table beside the recliner. She squirted hand sanitizer onto his palms. He rubbed his hands together and picked up his tea mug.

"By the way, doctor Bessho called while you were in the shower. He says my blood work is all clear."

_Good_. Kagome thought. "Then relax a bit and maybe your nose will follow."

He glared at her for that before returning his attention to the cheesy Godzilla movie playing on TV.

Sesshoumaru didn't get any sleep that night. By morning, when Kagome left for work, he'd progressed into a dry, hacking cough. It was a chunky, productive cough by the time she returned late in the evening. Kagome felt it time to offer him mercy and brought him a medicine cup full of Robitussin cough syrup.

"This might help the tickling in your throat."

Wordlessly, Sesshoumaru accepted the cup and drank it like a shot. His eyes widened. He puckered his mouth and shuddered from head to toe. "It tastes revolting."

"You'll thank me in half an hour." Kagome smiled sweetly at him.

Sesshoumaru's cold was completely gone by the next morning. Kagome earned a sore throat for her efforts, but it never materialized into a full-blown cold. She did end up running into the bathroom to throw up when she discovered Sesshoumaru used his empty tea mug as his phlegm spittoon.

_Well, that settles that. Even pretty dog demons have disgusting habits. I guess it's better in the mug than anywhere he wanted to on my tatami mats. Hmph_.

"Future reference," Kagome told Sesshoumaru as she exited the bathroom. "Please don't leave mugs full of lung butter on the table."

Sesshoumaru did a fine job of pretending not to hear, but the pointed tips of his ears turned bright red.

o0o END OF CHAPTER o0o

For the curious who don't own dogs, this is what reverse sneezing looks and sounds like in a large dog: .com/watch?v=uAcjeGfyfNk (Admittedly, Sess was doing it in his humanoid form, but that makes it even funnier!)


	20. A Demon Faces His Own Demons

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 20  
A Demon Faces His Own Demons

o0o

The days ran into each other like a ribbon of time. Kagome noticed Sesshoumaru disappearing into Kanrau's office once a day. She thought nothing of it and focused on caring for her patients.

One week later, on a Friday evening, Kagome and Sesshoumaru made the trip to Kanrau's house. Kanrau informed Kagome that deep hypnosis would only work in the environment Sesshoumaru felt the most secure.

For Sesshoumaru, that was the middle of the forest in Mitake gorge.

Which was why she found herself smashed in the middle seat of a pickup truck loaded with camping supplies. Going camping hurt her heart as much as she welcomed it. She tried not to remember the nights she spent huddled against Inuyasha's side for warmth.

Lit street lights passed in amber blurs against the night sky.

Upon reaching the camp site, Sesshoumaru used his aura to light a campfire while Kanrau set up the tent. Kagome busied herself with unrolling the sleeping bags. Sesshoumaru disappeared into the woods and reappeared dressed in his familiar Feudal attire. He sat down at the very edge of the camp and gazed off into the darkness. Clearly, scuffing around in the dirt to set up the tent was beneath his high and mighty status as demon lord.

The night proved chilly. Clear skies meant no clouds acted like a blanket to hold in the day's remaining heat. Above them, between the trees, stars shone like ice diamonds on black satin, and a waning last-quarter moon had just risen in the east. Its white form was only visible in glimpses amidst the trees.

Kagome huddled into her gray winter jacket. Kanrau had done the same. His jacket was black, but it looked burnt orange next to the campfire. He'd offered Sesshoumaru his dark green bomber jacket, but the demon lord quietly refused. It stayed folded in Kanrau's hiking backpack.

"We're going to start in a few minutes." Kanrau told Kagome. "All last week I've been working on getting him ready for this. He has a strong will, but he can be hypnotized when he's in the right mental state."

Kagome glanced in Sesshoumaru's direction. "Is it going to work?"

"I think so," said Kanrau. "I've already let him know that he might release emotions he doesn't normally show. He told me he isn't usually an emotional person and that he's okay with whatever happens. So be ready for it. He could cry, he could yell, he could laugh...anything..."

__

Even transform? She wondered without voicing it.

"...and if he starts to change into his demon form, I can stop it by breaking the trance." Kanrau went on as if he'd read her mind. "Don't worry."

Sesshoumaru uncurled and walked into the circle of orange light created by the crackling campfire. His eyes were fierce, reflecting the flames as he looked from Kagome to Kanrau.

"Ready?" Kanrau looked up.

Sesshoumaru nodded. Without prompting, he eased himself to sit against the tree next to Kagome. His eyes remained focused on the campfire. He took a few slow, deep breaths. In through his nose and out through his mouth.

"Let yourself relax," Kanrau began. He kept his voice a monotone, and Kagome was glad he had a smoother voice than Naraku. "The campfire is nice and warm. Let it seep into your muscles. Everything is starting to relax now."

Sesshoumaru's shoulders slouched a bit, his back held straight only by his armor.

"It is safe here. Safe to relax. Your eyes feel heavy. Let them close. Good. Now, when I say 'sleep,' you will be fully relaxed." Kanrau raised his hand and passed it near Sesshoumaru's head. "Sleep."

Like magic, Sesshoumaru let his head drop chin to chest. His eyes were closed. He looked utterly peaceful. Kagome gasped at how quick it all happened.

Kanrau said, "Can you hear me, Sesshoumaru?"

Sesshoumaru lifted his head, but his eyes were still closed. "Yes."

"Okay." Sitting up straighter now, Kanrau went on, "We are going towards a happy memory. Where are you? What do you see?"

"It is dark - night time under a new moon. The trees are almost bare for the winter. I smell the blood of a rodent." Sesshoumaru licked his lips and his mouth quirked into a half smile. "I have just completed my first successful kill on a pack hunt with my parents."

"How old are you?"

"Three winters."

Unbidden, Kagome's mind pictured Sesshoumaru as a toddler, his chubby little fingers proudly holding up a dead rat for his father's approval.

"Then that will be our safe place."

The demon lord nodded.

"Now," Kanrau folded his legs underneath himself. "We are traveling forward in time. We are moving towards the pain. Where are you?"

Sesshoumaru sucked in a slow, deep breath. His amused expression melted to deadpan. "My sleeping chambers. It needs to be cleaned, there are scrolls everywhere. I see the full moon outside, and I have lit a candle. Candlelight is soothing. And..." He twitched, frowning, "Rin..."

"The girl who followed you?"

"Yes. She is old now. She..." The perturbed frown deepened into a shadow on his brow. "...she is offering me one of the flowers she brought from outside. I know what is about to happen to her, but she has no idea."

"What are you feeling?" Kanrau asked.

"It hurts. I'm frightened. I always told myself she would never die while at my side. I-I am not prepared. I can't even say goodbye." Sesshoumaru's breath hitched. "She is sitting right next to me, and I don't have the power to - " he chewed his bottom lip, "Rin...please don't go. Rin!"

Kagome reached out to comfort him. Kanrau held out a hand, stopping her. He gave his head a small shake.

Sesshoumaru went on, "Human lives are so fleeting, but the end of hers...I never gave it a thought." He flinched, and Kagome followed the sheen of teardrops forming on his perfect cheekbones. When he spoke again, his voice was hoarse, "She inquired once about my remembering her when she died. I told her not to be foolish." He clenched his fists and the veins in his hands strained beneath the pale skin. "Rin..."

Kanrau's voice remained a whisper, "Is there anything you want to tell her, Sesshoumaru?"

Licking his lips again, Sesshoumaru hung his head and his shoulders started to shake. Kagome remembered the last time she saw him do that. He'd swallowed his grief, somehow, and it lay over his soul like a festering wound. She wanted to look away - it didn't seem right sitting next to him in the midst of such a vulnerable moment. Emotions were not something Sesshoumaru expressed easily.

"Forgive me," Sesshoumaru said. His lips quivered. His shoulders hunched. Then he leaned forward, hung his head and the grief exploded from him as if a dam had burst. He cried so hard that Kagome barely understood him. "I know...what kindness is...through you. I cared...I _cared_ about you. There was more to...more to life than just power. Love is not weakness...you showed me that, Rin." He sniffed, grimaced and spilled the last words out as if they hurt, "I-Iwill remember you...as long...as long as I live."

Kagome's eyes stung at the power of the emotions coming from Sesshoumaru. She swallowed hard and looked at Kanrau. The male doctor nodded. She scooted closer to Sesshoumaru, brushing her hand against his. Sesshoumaru's hand turned over to grasp hers tightly. Kagome sat beside him, gazing straight ahead out of respect. His spiked pauldron didn't let her sit as close as she wanted to, so she clung to his hand and listened to the quiet hitches in his breathing.

__

This is me holding your heart together so it can heal, she thought. _I'll hold on as long as you need, Sesshoumaru_.

Kanrau also kept his gaze lowered. The campfire lit half his face and glistened off the edge of his glasses. He didn't move or say anything until Sesshoumaru began to quiet down.

"We're backing away from the memories now, Sesshoumaru. You feel relaxed and at ease."

Sesshoumaru's head slowly lowered back into the chin-to-chest position. His face was still flushed and wet with his tears. One teardrop glistened on the very tip of his nose.

"The real world is coming back. You are climbing towards it on a ladder. Each rung brings you closer to full awareness."

Kagome heard the demon lord's breathing regulate.

Kanrau looked up as well. "Three rungs left. You're aware, but relaxed. Two rungs...you can lift your head up. One rung - you're still at ease. Now, wake up."

Abruptly, Sesshoumaru opened his eyes, sniffed and dabbed at his cheeks. He stared at the wetness on his fingertips.

"I...cried." He sounded astonished.

Kagome rubbed his shoulder. "Do you feel better?"

In reply, Sesshoumaru stood up and walked off into the darkness. His aura stopped just beyond the shadows, so he hadn't gone far. Just enough to take himself out of their sight.

"It's okay." Kanrau clasped her shoulder. His fingers were trembling, a sign that he, too, was affected by the moment. "He's got a lot of repressed feelings to face and release. Reactions like that are a good thing, Kagome. He's agreed to come out here and do this until he's faced everything."

"What happens after that?"

Kanrau shrugged, making his coat rustle. "That's up to him. Now c'mon, let's roast some marshmallows. Sesshoumaru will come back to camp when he's ready."

Ten minutes later, Kagome blew on her blackened marshmallow to cool it. Eating the sticky, gooey mess ended up being more of a production than she wanted, and she was glad Sesshoumaru didn't witness the graceless mess she made of her face. Several minutes were spent brushing her teeth to clean away the sugary remains clinging against her molars. She picked her way towards the edge of the Tama river and refilled her water bottle in the clean, rushing water. She wasn't prepared for its icy temperature, and winced in pain.

Movement in the corner of her eye - she faced it, startled. Sesshoumaru knelt and cupped his hands in the water. He drank some and splashed the rest on his face. Unlike her, he didn't even flinch at the freezing temperature.

"Hey," she said. "Are you okay, Sesshoumaru?"

Sesshoumaru nodded without looking at her. "You should return to the campfire before you get too cold."

"What about you?"

"Weather is of little consequence to me."

"You had long hair before."

Sesshoumaru pinned her with one of his icy looks that made the air around them seem tropical by comparison. He turned away and walked off into the darkness again. Kagome huffed to herself before heading back to camp. She shed her heavy winter coat and curled up in the sleeping bag on the far right of the tent. Not long after, Kanrau took up the leftmost sleeping bag, leaving the middle one open for Sesshoumaru.

Kagome fell asleep waiting for the demon lord. He never did join them in the tent.

Morning found the entire gorge blanketed in thick fog. Like a dream, it softened the edges of everything, giving the world a silent, dreamlike atmosphere.

Stretching and regretting leaving the warmth of her sleeping bag immediately, Kagome dove for her coat, stuffed her hands into gloves and pulled on her black jeans over her thermal underwear. She jammed her feet into her shoes, laced them and stumbled out into the foggy morning.

She couldn't even see the trees right across from the camp.

__

Okay, Higurashi, don't break your neck trying to pee.

Kagome wiped the sleep from her eyes and pocketed a few tissues. Making her way slowly behind the tent, she disrobed her bottom half, squatted next to the bushes and relieved herself. She buried the tissues under leaves, used hand sanitizer to wash her hands and jumped up when she heard rustling barely three feet ahead. Then, suddenly, it was to her left. Her heartbeat quickened. Sesshoumaru's aura bore down on her. She faced the tent just as icy fingertips touched the back of her neck.

"Ack!" Kagome covered her mouth to muffle her shriek. "Sesshoumaru!"

Sesshoumaru's small lips twisted into an amused smirk. "Miko, you've gone slow in your old age."

Was that his idea of a joke?

He didn't give her time to wonder. Turning away, he glanced over his shoulder in a clear indication of wanting to be followed. They walked until Kagome couldn't see the trees surrounding the campsite and the faint gurgle of the Tama river no longer reached her ears. She wouldn't have recognized the little clearing he brought her to without the smell of cedar.

Sesshoumaru led her into the center of the ring of trees. When she looked up, it was like staring up a wooden tunnel into infinite white. She could see the fog swirling as it moved through the woods like a ghost.

"Can you hear it?" Sesshoumaru whispered.

"Hear what?"

"The silence."

"There's nothing to - "

Sesshoumaru focused on her. His pupils were slits that made his golden eyes all the more shocking. He slipped one arm behind her shoulders and the other scooped her knees out from under her. All at once, they left the ground on a cushion of unseen demonic aura. Kagome gasped and clung to his kimono as tree branches drifted past her sight. He carried her to the treetops and hovered. She could see nothing but white. They were inside the space between Heaven and Earth. It felt timeless, like the split second pause after a heartbeat. The fog muffled everything, and the only sounds she heard were her own and Sesshoumaru's breathing.

"What about now?" Sesshoumaru's voice was right in her ear.

Kagome shivered, but it wasn't the cold. She answered by letting her forehead rest against his cheek and listening to the motionless quiet stretching into eternity. The silence seeped into her pores until she felt just as vast as the fog. Maybe it was her imagination, but she swore she felt Sesshoumaru draw her a little closer.

And for the first time in ages, Inuyasha did not invade her thoughts. This moment in time belonged only to her and Sesshoumaru.

o0o

Evening fell again, and once more Kanrau, Kagome and Sesshoumaru gathered around the campfire. Before they started, Sesshoumaru looked straight at Kanrau.

"Are you aware that you look exactly like Naraku? You resemble him nearly as much as Kagome resembles the miko from who she was reincarnated."

If air could stand any more still, the world would stop turning. Kanrau, who wore his hair down to stay warmer, twitched where he sat. "I do?"

"Well, Naraku had those creepy red eyes." Kagome answered. She fidgeted with a twig, slowly peeling away the outer layer of bark and tossing the pieces into the campfire. "And Kikyo had better control of her powers than I do."

Firelight played off Kanrau's glasses. "Yeah? But you said I'm not a reincarnation."

"No." Sesshoumaru faced the fire more fully. "You aren't. I thought you might be curious as to what he looked like, seeing as you have several books based around ancient demonology."

"Does it bother you?" Kanrau moved, perhaps unconsciously, to push his glasses further up on his nose.

"You wouldn't have walked away from our first meeting if it did," said Sesshoumaru. He squared his shoulders and took in a breath that created fog near his mouth upon exhalation. "I am ready to begin."

Kagome didn't miss Kanrau's slight cringe. She added another stick to the campfire while Kanrau eased Sesshoumaru into a hypnotic trance. Just like the previous night, the demon lord relaxed visibly against the tree behind him, his silver hair shimmering gold in the flickering firelight.

"Do you recall our safe place?" Kanrau began.

"Yes." Sesshoumaru answered softly.

"We will start there. Let yourself fully relax. Let your mind be open. Do you feel ready to leave that memory now?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Take us to the day Inuyasha died."

Kagome flinched at those words. She tightened her lips. Just because a wound healed didn't mean it never ached once in awhile. She refocused on Sesshoumaru and watched his perfect eyebrows settle into a line.

"It's silent...he has just taken his last breath."

Kagome shoved her fist against her mouth to muffle the small moan in the back of her throat.

"From the instant I was old enough to understand, I was told the strong survive and the weak perish. Then father foolishly lost his life protecting a weak human and the child he sired with her. Before that human found him wounded, father was as cold as I. She changed him. She weakened him. Inuyasha was the product of that weakness. I told myself I would never become weak that way. Then I met Rin. Rin lived and died...and when she died, I understood my father's desire to protect." Sesshoumaru raised his head. His eyes stayed closed, his brow shadowed in a frown. "When I first saw Inuyasha, he was barely walking. He looked just like father. I hated what he represented. I hated that he didn't even recognize me as a threat. His human mother was nothing but kind to me, even when I treated her coldly. But...when _he_ died right in front of me..."

"When he died...?" Kanrau hedged.

"Inuyasha was my greatest opponent. Ironic, I know. My goal had always been to kill him, and I did not even have that luxury. Time and fate took him first. I purposely waited until he was old enough to fight. I wanted to claim Tetsusaiga from a worthy opponent. He could always worm himself out of my grasp. Heh, once I discovered I couldn't wield it, I set my sights on erasing him and his shame from my family line. He embodied the death of my...our...father. Once he died, my purpose in life all but disappeared. My power was at its zenith," Sesshoumaru's fingers twitched into fists. He leaned forward, hanging his head, "and I had nothing to show for it."

Kanrau whispered, "How did it make you feel?"

"I always thought becoming the strongest would change me, somehow. But it was the journey, not the destination, that mattered. I had no opponents, no one who could challenge me and no reason to fight. With Inuyasha gone, I felt..." Sesshoumaru's Adam's apple bobbed in a swallow. "Empty. Tired." And then, softer, "_Lonely_."

"And what would you like to tell Inuyasha right now?"

Sesshoumaru smiled a little. It faded into a frown, but he didn't shed any tears this time. "It wasn't _you_ that I hated. I let my petty jealousies come between us. Father left Tetsusaiga to you, and I completely misjudged the gift Tenseiga was to me. I always believed father thought little of me. I was...wrong. I spent so many years trying to walk the same path as my..._our_ father, that I lost sight of it in my attempts to remove you from my life. You, with the miko always at your side, heh...I think I know what you saw in her." He sighed, sniffling slightly. "I'm...sorry, little brother."

Kagome blushed and rubbed Sesshoumaru's forearm. She looked at Kanrau, expecting him to break the trance. Instead, the doctor pressed onward.

"Good." He continued, "What happened after you buried Inuyasha?"

"It is a little known fact - Tenseiga was forged to protect me just as Tetsusaiga protected Inuyasha. Young demons who grow powerful in their youth are prone to insanity. The only difference is full blooded demons recover, while half-breeds do not." Sesshoumaru lifted his head, and even in the firelight his face seemed pale. "I...I could not control the rage I felt. My power had peaked, and without the Tenseiga I had little control of it. My inner beast took over, and I _let_ it."

"Tell me about that time. What are you doing?"

The demon lord's nose twitched. Kagome felt his aura growing steadily stronger.

"I am..." he breathed slowly, as if smelling something, and his voice became deeper, "...devouring a weaker demon alive. Its blood is all over my fur...I am in my true form."

"And is that how you spent those next few years?"

"Yes."

Nodding, Kanrau scooted back a few inches and his face became grave. "We are going forward in time now. It is a full moon...and the night of your capture. Where are you? What is happening?"

Kagome had her hand on Sesshoumaru's wrist, and she didn't miss the sudden racing of his pulse. She felt his muscles tightening as he stiffened like fluid magically turning solid.

"It's dark, even with the moon..." Sesshoumaru leaned his head back. "I can smell the priests banding together, but I'm more concerned with eating a kill than finding out why they are there. And then..." he sniffed, "...I smell human blood. And then...sutras." He winced, rubbing the left side of his neck. His hand moved to his leg, and finally settled back in his lap. "They burn. They are everywhere, eating my strength."

Kanrau leaned over to Kagome, whispering, "I'm going to trigger him now. This is where things might get intense. He could do or say things that aren't like him at all. Let me know if he's about to transform, and I'll break the trance if the safe memory doesn't work."

Kagome's heart squeezed in on itself. She nodded her head without speaking.

"This is what we have to face, Sesshoumaru." Kanrau spoke. Then, reaching under a tarp Kagome hadn't seen before, he pulled out a chain and shook it hard. The clamor bit Kagome's ears. "Tell me what's happening." He said, his own expression grave in the dimness.

Sesshoumaru gasped and scooted back against the tree behind him.

"I can't breathe my miasma." He panted heavily, and sweat glistened around his hairline. "I can't escape...there are several. Twenty, perhaps. All priests. I have to run, I..." He gasped, grabbing at his ankles.

"What is it?"

"Chains." He gripped something invisible across his chest. Then he kept his wrists crossed there, his hands forming tight fists. "Chains everywhere. I can't move. I - grr!" He snarled, writhing where he sat. "It hurts! The enchantment is strong! It _hurts!_ It turns my own aura against me!" He brought his knees together and wrenched his whole upper body to one side, head thrown back and fangs glistening in the firelight. "It _hurts!_ The pain...blinds me. The more...the more I struggle...and they laugh. They mock my weakness. They mock my pain."

Kagome saw his fangs growing longer. His teeth separated into jagged points between his grimacing lips. Even his eyes were glowing, and blazed eerily behind his closed eyelids. He let out an inhuman growl.

Kanrau paled. Kagome gestured at him to keep going.

The doctor asked, "W-What do you feel right now?"

"_Hate_. The stinking human bastards..." Sesshoumaru snarled through clenched teeth, "They took my dignity. They took my power. They took everything I _am_. They - " Suddenly, he doubled over, his hands over his head, claws mussing up his hair. He arched his back a little. From his throat came a dog-like whining noise. A sound of pain. The same noises and motions he made before he fully emerged from his long coma.

__

God, Kagome closed her eyes. _Was he reliving that the whole time he was vegetative?_

"What's happening?" Kanrau also leaned forward, "Sesshoumaru? Tell me."

"Lashing. The whips cracking over my back. Blood...my blood...they are scourging my wounds." He turned slowly to the side and laid down in a semi-fetal position, his head in Kagome's lap. "It...hurts less...to lay still."

His panting concerned Kagome. She stroked the side of his face, but he didn't seem to feel her. Sweat slicked his bangs and parts of his hair to his skin.

Kanrau gave him a minute to calm down, then asked, "What are they doing to you now?"

"Building."

"Building?"

"A wagon to transport me." Sesshoumaru melted to deadpan. "It is small...I can barely breathe. I want out. I can't move, I can't stand...I stink of wastes." His nose wrinkled, "I don't want to eat rancid meat." He clutched at his wrists. "I ache from the chains digging into my wounds. They fester and won't heal. I'm alone, and I have no hope. Anyone capable of saving me is dead. The years are going by, but there is nothing... nothing... _nothing_."

"No." Kagome whispered. "No..."

Sesshoumaru froze, ears twitching. "They...are proud of capturing the most powerful demon in the lands." He arched his back, moaning, his face contorting. His mouth squared in a silent scream. He covered his face with his hands.

"Talk to me, Sesshoumaru," said Kanrau, his voice gentle. "What is happening?"

"The whips they use can purify. I only growled and they lash me. I am on display as the last living demon. A lie...I can't be the last! The bastard priests. They find my misery amusing. They think I have no mind at all, and I can't remember I can change my shape. I am starving..." He growled again, a low, bone-freezing sound. "I want freedom. I want release."

"You seek freedom?" Kanrau scooted closer.

"Yes." Sesshoumaru hissed. He was grinding his teeth, a horrible, grating sound, and the sheer hatred in his aura turned Kagome's stomach.

"Then tell these men how you feel, and know they can't hurt you anymore."

At that, Sesshoumaru's expression pulled into a grimace. All Kagome heard was his ragged breathing, the air rushing from his mouth tickling along her pant-leg.

"I hate you. I _despise_ all that you stand for, all that you live for." He began, his voice low. "I despise the fact that you stripped my dignity away. You bastards. You filthy humans! _Damn_ you all! I despise knowing you rendered me helpless!" Snarl lines formed around his nose until he looked more canine than humanoid, and his voice came out a harsh rasp. "Run far and fast when I enter the Netherworld one day, because I will make the pits of Hell seem mild by comparison to the torment I'll inflict if I find you."

Kagome actually flinched at the cruelty of Sesshoumaru's words. Never had she heard such hate come out of his mouth. What he said wasn't even directed at her, and it still frightened her.

__

And all of that has festered inside him for all these years. She chewed her bottom lip.

Kanrau swallowed hard. He nodded, his dark bangs shadowing his eyes. "Now, let yourself slide forward in time. Take me to your escape."

"My escape?"

"Yeah," Kanrau kept his voice a monotone, "Tell me."

Kagome felt Sesshoumaru's bicep stiffen against her shin. His breathing quickened. He sat up, abruptly, and scooted backwards against the tree.

"The weather is violent. Rain, wind and thunder. Lightning never frightens me, it's almost beautiful. And the humans are all in chaos trying to keep their camp from blowing away." His nostrils flared. He lifted his head, but his eyes remained closed. "My _youki_ has steadily become accustomed to the enchantments holding me prisoner. I...I am resonating with it."

"Resonating?"

"My demonic aura is like an immune system, it can learn how magic affects it and find ways to overpower it. It is involuntary...weaker demons don't have this capability." Sesshoumaru shuddered in a full body shiver. "My weakened state meant it took far longer than normal...but I can feel a surge of my own power."

"Are they aware of it?"

"My energies have surged before." Sesshoumaru growled, "They are unconcerned, the fools." He smiled, all fangs, and Kagome found it unpleasant and chilling. His teeth were all sharp!

Kanrau was taken aback. Kagome heard the scraping sounds of him sliding back a good twelve inches.

A cold wind blew around the trees, rustling leaves and stirring the campfire. Sesshoumaru licked his front teeth. His aura surged until it left Kagome's teeth tingling. She saw his jaw begin to elongate and grabbed Kanrau's arm.

"Stop it. He's going to transform!"

"Right. Sesshoumaru! Find your safe memory." Kanrau held out his hands. "Ease back."

Kagome felt another surge, like a sonic boom in her bones. "It's not working!"

Kanrau hopped into a squat, ready to run if he needed to. "Sesshoumaru, listen to me. We're rising back to awareness. Away from the memories. Follow me now...up the ladder..."

The raging aura slowly abated. Sesshoumaru relaxed against the tree, chin to chest and eyes gently closed. His face regained its normal, pretty shape.

"Three rungs - the memories can't hurt you now. Two rungs, you're starting to wake up. One rung, you can lift your head." Kanrau raised his hand, "Now, wake up."

With a gasp, Sesshoumaru raised his head and looked around the clearing. A single sweat droplet trickled from beneath his hairline and dripped onto the collar of his kimono. He pushed himself upright, exhaled and closed his eyes.

"Sesshoumaru?" Kagome grasped his upper arm, "Are you all right?"

He nodded once. "I haven't...in so long..."

When his eyes opened, they blazed red. He took off into the forest before Kagome even recognized he'd moved.

"Whoa!" Kanrau almost lost his balance. "Hey! Sesshoumaru! Wait!"

Sesshoumaru stopped in the circle of cedar trees. All Kagome saw was the red glow of his eyes in the darkness. His aura surged like a tornado. The trees around him rocked violently, causing the trunks to groan in protest. Then, from Sesshoumaru, the screeching crackle of bones shifting beneath his skin.

Kanrau stumbled to Kagome's side. He looked suitably nervous. "Kagome! What's going on?"

"He's transforming."

The demon lord shot above the treetops in a flash of brilliant white light. When it slammed back into the forest floor like a meteor, Sesshoumaru appeared in his truest form. Few trees were taller than him, and his paws alone were wider than Kanrau was tall. He was bigger than Kagome remembered.

"Holy..." Kanrau stumbled backwards, "He's huge! Oh, God!"

Kagome held her ground. "Just don't run...whatever you do."

"Why?"

"Prey animal behavior." She replied.

"Aren't his faculties intact?"

"I-I don't know. Let me try and talk to him."

"Kagome!"

"Shhh, let me try." Kagome said. She held her hands out and slowly approached the massive dog standing twenty feet away. "Sesshoumaru? It's Kagome."

The white, wedge-shaped head twisted. Crimson eyes narrowed to focus on her. His head came down until his huge, wet and very, very _cold_ nose touched her face. Shocking in contrast to his hot breath. He sniffed. Once. Twice. He turned his head sideways to gaze at her through one eye. Somewhere far within the pupil, the pretty face of the Sesshoumaru she knew still existed.

"Sesshoumaru?" She touched him beneath that large eye. His fur felt just like his hair. "Do you understand me? Blink twice if you do."

Sesshoumaru's eyelid winked twice at her.

Kagome smiled. "Kanrau, it's okay. His faculties are all there."

Kanrau ventured a few steps closer. He froze when Sesshoumaru lifted his head and released a deep, menacing growl.

"Whoa, easy. It's me, it's Kanrau. I'm not gonna hurt you." The male doctor managed a shaky smile. "Hey, you did pretty good back there. You went to the memory and you're still fine. You can do it. Just a few more times going over that part and you'll be a-okay, I'm sure of it."

Sesshoumaru continued to watch Kanrau for another moment. Without warning, he lunged his head past the male doctor and rose up again. He had the chain clamped in his teeth. The huge, long utility chain swung as Sesshoumaru violently shook his head back and forth like a dog with prey. His acidic saliva caused the links to weaken. Kagome and Kanrau both ducked the shrapnel. Pieces of chain landed in the trees, in the pond and all over the clearing. Sesshoumaru shook that chain until he'd mangled it beyond recognition. Then, abruptly, he bent all four legs and took off into the sky like a rocket. He moved so quickly that Kagome only guessed his trajectory by feeling his aura.

"Whoa!" Kanrau's glasses almost fell off. "He can _fly?_ Is he coming back?"

"Yes..." She leaned back, watching the white glimmer of Sesshoumaru circle among the stars, "...and I hope so...I think he just needs to blow off some steam. He hasn't transformed in a long time. Maybe it's like stretching after being asleep for ages and ages."

"So that dog..."

"That's his _true_ form." Kagome turned to Kanrau. "You mustn't forget that."

She refocused on the sky, frowning. _Sesshoumaru...I hope this doesn't hurt the artificial valve. Please be okay up there_...

An hour passed. Two hours.

Kanrau went to bed in the tent, but Kagome sat back against a tree and watched Sesshoumaru soar. She wondered if he was dancing.

Finally, just when sleep tugged on Kagome's consciousness, she saw the shimmer of light drop back into the clearing. Sesshoumaru turned a circle three times and flopped down, his chin resting on his front paws. His eyes drifted shut. A few minutes later, his body broke into silver sparkles that condensed into the familiar, humanoid shape of Sesshoumaru. He was lying asleep on his side with his cheek resting on his folded hands.

Kagome touched his neck to check his pulse. It stayed steady. She gently shook his shoulder until he opened his eyes.

"Let's go to sleep in the tent."

Sesshoumaru nodded, and shed his pelt, armor and boots before crawling into the tent. Kagome held his sleeping bag open for him until he'd settled down. Behind him, Kanrau snored softly.

"You did great," she whispered.

"I haven't recalled it all yet." Sesshoumaru answered, deadpan. He curled up on his side, facing her.

Kagome boldly cupped his cheek in her palm. "But you _did_ face it tonight. You relived it and you came out in one piece. Next time shouldn't be as bad, right?"

His boyish mouth curved in a slight smile. "Perhaps what eases the pain of it is knowing I'm not alone." He closed his eyes with a contented sigh. "Once I'm done reliving my pain...I'd like to retrace the journey I took before I went to sleep. So much has changed over the centuries."

She smiled and took her hand off his cheek. "I wish I could go with you, but my job, my life..."

"All fleeting." Sesshoumaru said lazily.

"Maybe to you."

"You're cluttering the silence." He yawned, clicking his teeth a bit, and lightly touched her mouth with his fingertips. "No more words."

Kagome sighed, she _had_ been chattering away for want of something to say. Sesshoumaru wanted to sleep and there she was, keeping him awake with her blabber.

"Sorry. G'night, Sesshoumaru."

The demon lord didn't reply. He'd already fallen asleep.


	21. Understanding the Silence

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

Chapter 21  
Understanding the Silence

o0o

Sesshoumaru was still asleep when Kagome woke up the next morning. For the first time in a long while, his slumbering face looked peaceful. He slept on his back, one hand gracefully draped above his head and the other spread open across his chest. The sleeves of his lavish kimono had pulled off his forearms during the night. She wondered if he felt cold, but figured he wasn't if being exposed like that didn't cause goosebumps or wake him up.

Kagome's gaze moved to the clawed hand resting on Sesshoumaru's chest. With her eyes she followed the pale blue veins under his skin as they branched out over his knuckles. They looked like icy rivers against snow. And his fingers - they tapered delicately only to end in his menacing claws. Ever since he had his mitral valve replaced, his nails grew stronger and healthier than ever before.

Sesshoumaru shifted slightly and his hand moved to scratch at his side before resettling on his chest.

Kagome looked over. He was awake, and watching her. She felt her cheeks heat up - he'd caught her ogling!

"G-Good morning," she stammered, wanting nothing more than to hide under her sleeping bag. "Did you sleep okay?"

He smirked, causing the tip of a fang to poke between his boyish lips. "Decently enough."

She smiled back at him. "It's been awhile since I've seen your real form, you know. Is my memory off, or were you bigger?"

"I was larger, yes. Just because the years don't show on this form does not mean I don't age, Kagome." Sesshoumaru replied. Then he yawned, covering his mouth with his hand and arching his back in an all-body stretch. Kagome could tell he hadn't moved much once he laid down last night - his hair wasn't as tousled as usual. He gave it a few pats and it all fell into place around his ears and the back of his neck.

Kagome giggled. "Sorry...it's just you look exactly the same as you did the last time I saw you in the Feudal Era. Well...minus the haircut. But...yeah..."

"Hn." Sesshoumaru's smirk grew. He started leaning forward.

It dawned on Kagome what was going to happen, and in the same moment she tasted the effects of the bacteria in her mouth. "Oh! Hold on! My mouth is disgusting right now!"

In a flash of embarrassment, she leapt back and dug in her bag for her pack of Listerine pocket strips.

"As if that would offend me," Sesshoumaru scoffed. He yanked the bag from her grasp, pulled her up by the arm and pressed their mouths together. Unlike her, his damn amazing mouth didn't taste like morning breath, and he didn't seem to care that hers did. Then again, he _was_ a dog demon, and dogs liked weird smells. "Future reference - you would have to work very hard to offend my nose."

Flap went the opening of the tent. He was outside before her brain wrapped around his statement.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru!" Kanrau's voice sounded chipper for such an early hour, "Great timing. Could you get this bacon pack open?"

By the time Kagome climbed into her jacket and crawled outside, Kanrau was frying the bacon in a pan over the campfire while Sesshoumaru shrugged out of his Feudal attire. It was probably close to forty degrees Fahrenheit and he didn't have a single goosebump on his porcelain skin. It really wasn't fair.

"Hey, Kagome? Could you keep an eye on this bacon for a minute?"

"Sure, Kanrau." Kagome was glad for the distraction. She sat down and poked at the meat strips. Kanrau brushed the grease off his hands and made his way into the foliage unofficially designated as the men's bathroom.

Sesshoumaru sat down on the log across from her. He'd traded his Feudal attire for dark blue jeans, a slate gray turtleneck and Kanrau's deep forest green bomber jacket. On his feet, he still wore his Feudal Era boots, which looked good with his modern attire.

"That smells nice," he said off-handedly, his eyes firmly focused on the campfire itself. Even in daylight his eyes captured and reflected the flames.

"Glad to see you're developing a taste for human food," she joked.

Sesshoumaru shrugged one shoulder. He picked up a fork, stabbed a half-cooked piece of bacon and tore into it.

"Hey!" Kagome's jaw dropped.

He licked his thumb after he swallowed the last bite. The gleam in his eyes dared her to challenge him. It was...playful...not dangerous.

"Pig." Kagome fake-pouted.

"I hunted a pig demon once."

"Must've been amazing bacon that day."

"Hn."

"Sorry about that." Kanrau emerged from the trees and reached for the Purell in his travel backpack. He glanced up. "Looks like rain. We should eat and pack up to get outta here. Don't want to be caught in a storm."

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and lifted his head. "It will rain in one hour. We have enough time."

Kanrau chuckled. "So you're a weatherman, too? Wow, what other talents haven't you told me about?"

"Plenty."

"I hope to learn about them. Now - hey, weren't there six strips of bacon here?"

Sesshoumaru played the innocent. Kagome blushed. Kanrau rolled his eyes and turned the strips over to sear the uncooked sides.

Thirty minutes later, they were packing the last pieces of their camp into the back of Kanrau's pickup truck. The sky had clouded over by then, and the trees swayed gently with the promise of oncoming rain. Sesshoumaru took care of putting out the campfire while Kanrau ran a last check of their campgrounds for anything they'd forgotten.

Kagome shoved her duffle bag into the tailgate of Kanrau's truck. She was surprised when Kanrau handed Sesshoumaru the truck keys.

Watching Sesshoumaru do something as simple as start up a truck and drive seemed somehow wrong. Not the bad kind of wrong, just...not a sight she ever expected to see in her lifetime. She could tell he'd been practicing - he turned the key and worked the pedals and steering wheel like he'd done it every day of his life.

The ride away from the camping area was quiet. Nobody spoke much. Kanrau took a nap. Kagome stared straight ahead. Sesshoumaru concentrated on the road.

Exactly one hour from the moment Sesshoumaru said it would rain, tiny water droplets began to splatter on the windshield. It wasn't raining very hard, but the windshield was soon too speckled to clearly see through. Kagome showed Sesshoumaru how to turn on the windshield wipers.

Menacing black clouds gathered on the western horizon. Kagome could see thick rain sheets underneath them, and knew the weather would turn nasty soon.

They drove along a dirt road that branched onto the main road leading into Tokyo. Yet right as they reached it, Sesshoumaru stuck his head out the driver's side window. He gasped, sat back down and gunned it so hard Kanrau jolted awake.

"What the? Hey! Sesshoumaru, what gives?"

Sesshoumaru ignored him. He slammed on the brakes near a small fence beside a weeping willow, leapt out into the rain and ran up to the gnarled tree trunk. Its branches nearly brushed the white fence right next to it. Sesshoumaru lowered onto his knees.

Kagome scooted over and climbed out into the rain. "Sesshoumaru, what - "

There was a tiny headstone amidst the tree roots. Sesshoumaru's eyes were wide and moist as they gazed at the small monument. Time had worn the etchings on the stone away, but Kagome knew what they'd found.

"Rin," Sesshoumaru whispered. He climbed across the roots and tore a clump of yellow sour grass flowers from their home near the fence and laid them in a little ring around the tiny gravestone.

"Hey, what in the world is - "

Kagome held up a hand to quiet Kanrau. She gestured to Sesshoumaru and dragged Kanrau a few feet away. "He found Rin's grave. Let's give him a minute, okay?"

The doctor sobered, and his face flushed. "Sorry...I didn't know. But the radio says there's thunderstorms heading this way." A breeze whipped up his dark hair and sent it swirling against his back. "I dunno if we want to be stuck under a tree when it gets here."

She shook her head and wiped away the rain droplets running down her nose.

Sesshoumaru got to his feet just as distant lightning lit the western sky. "Don't be afraid, Rin, thunderstorms can't hurt you now."

He turned from the grave and gave himself an all over, canine shake that splattered water in all directions. Then he patted his hair down and climbed back into the truck as if nothing happened. He looked out the passenger side door. "Are you coming?"

A sudden lightning bolt followed by crackling thunder right overhead sent Kagome and Kanrau scrambling back into the truck. Not a second later, not _half_ a second later, lightning hit the willow tree. Kagome smelled burnt sap. She covered her ears as violent thunder shook the ground. When she lifted her head, most of the willow tree was _gone_. The power of the lightning literally blew it apart, and pieces of it littered the area like a life gone to ruin.

Sesshoumaru sighed softly. He appeared to mourn the broken tree that once shielded Rin's grave from the rain.

"I understand," he whispered. "Goodbye, Rin."

"You understand?" Kanrau asked in a shaken voice.

"That was a sign from the sky to move on. I've said my farewells to her, I won't need to return here. She wouldn't want that."

"I'm glad for you," Kagome squeaked out. "C-Can we head home? That freaked me out, and I really want a bigger roof over my head than this truck."

Sesshoumaru's mouth quirked in a half-smile. He eased the truck into reverse and drove them backwards to the main road. Then, shifting the gear stick again, he turned left. In half an hour the brown dirt roads and green trees gave way to black tar and silver skyscrapers.

"I want to look up teaching positions in this area. I think a suitable place of employment for me would be college level history. But..." Sesshoumaru frowned at the road. He leaned back and drove with his hand draped over the top of the steering wheel. "I...will need your help, Kanrau."

"Oh, yeah?" Kanrau perked up. "I could probably point you to a few. I know some that have job openings, and I can help you make up a resume tomorrow night."

"Why not when we arrive home?"

"I have the night shift. It'll be a scurry just to get to the hospital on time."

"Hn. Very well. Whatever time is suitable for you will be suitable for me."

"Deal. We'll talk at six o'clock tomorrow night."

Sesshoumaru stopped at a red light. "You have yourself a deal."

The rest of the drive was uneventful, but filled with thunder.

Kagome wasn't sorry to reach her apartment building, grab her things and race for the cover of solid walls. Sesshoumaru took his sweet time. Lightning flashed every thirty seconds, yet there was no hurry about him. He was soaked by the time Kanrau drove around the corner.

That night, Sesshoumaru and Kagome huddled together in her bed, watching the lightning flash outside.

"I've never seen lightning hit a tree before," Kagome whispered.

"It was spectacular." Sesshoumaru replied just as quietly. "It reminded me of how quickly a life can end."

"I'm just lightning to you."

"Yes."

"Then why stay when you know - "

"Shhh," he rose, menacing, powerful and _gorgeous_, and his hands slipped up under her black nightie. Thunder crackled like a melody with his voice, "No more words."

Kagome couldn't talk if she wanted to. She melted into his kiss as he pulled the blankets over their heads, and in a few minutes she forgot all about the weather.

o0o

For years to come, Kagome would find herself regretting that she didn't wake up before Sesshoumaru. She checked the clock. It was just after four o'clock in the afternoon. Did she really sleep the whole day away?

Severe thunderstorm warnings in Tokyo were rare for the month of December, but the anime station Kagome heard upon awakening broke in with news reports to stay indoors. As if the hail and constant lightning weren't warning enough! She groaned. Sesshoumaru probably got up hours before, heard the reports and saw fit to enjoy the storm on the balcony. Kagome sat up in bed to find him wearing nothing but yellow flannel pajama pants. He stood with his hands on the railing, watching the sky. Heavy rain left him soaked, so the fabric of his pajama pants clung to his legs and left little to the imagination. Lightning tore through the sky. Kagome saw a huge bolt strike behind the building across the street.

"Sesshoumaru!" She screamed at him through the glass door, and knew he could hear her over the thunderclaps. "You dumbass! Get back inside!"

He turned, shot her that unnerving grin of his and faced forward again, ignoring her.

"Sesshoumaru! Get the hell inside before - "

A brilliant flash blinded her. The hairs on her arms stood on end. She covered her ears when thunder battered her body and shook everything inside the apartment.

Sesshoumaru no longer stood by the railing. He lay in a crumpled heap in front of the now-cracked sliding glass doors.

"Sesshoumaru!" Kagome shrieked. She threw open the door to the pungent smell of singed hair. The demon on the ground didn't move. She screamed again, "_Sesshoumaru!_"

Sesshoumaru jolted into a sitting position and looked at up her. His palms and the calf of his left leg were absolutely _black_. He pushed himself upright, shook off like a dog and made his way inside, shutting the door behind him. He just took a direct lightning strike, and he was walking like he came in from the park.

"Sesshoumaru!" Kagome grabbed his wrists, turning them over to examine his burnt hands. His skin felt hotter than normal, probably from the lightning energy that passed through his body. It literally steamed the rainwater right off his flesh without causing him harm. She pressed her fingers against the underside of his wrist, feeling his pulse and finding it normal. "Are you okay?"

"My leg hurts worse than my hands." Sesshoumaru muttered. "I'm fine. Lightning does not cause me the harm it would you."

"That strike went in through your hands and out your leg. It passed _through_ your body." Kagome clung tighter to his wrists. She glared up at his impassive face. "You could've been killed!"

He started to pull away. Thunder rumbled, half obscuring his voice. "Hmph. I'm not so weak that lightning would harm me."

She held firm to his arms and herded him towards the bathroom sink. Her mind raced. "Let's treat these burns. C'mon, a cold pack might make your leg feel better."

Sesshoumaru pulled his hands free and walked to the bathroom himself. Kagome followed while silently fuming at him for scaring her. Honestly, Inuyasha did stupid things like that - she never imagined Sesshoumaru acting so foolish! By the time she reached the bathroom, he'd already shoved his hands under the faucet. She wet a washcloth, grasped the heel of his bare foot and held it straight so she could press the cold cloth to his calf. Sesshoumaru hissed at her.

"I'm no longer ill." He narrowed his eyes. "I can manage."

Kagome ignored his posturing. She watched the burn on his muscular calf shrink and fade like a puddle evaporating under the sun. Her eyes followed a vein in his ankle to the point where it disappeared behind his Achilles tendon. "How did you ever walk around in those boots without your toenails ripping them apart?"

"I guess I'm talented." Sesshoumaru scoffed, lashing her with his dry humor. "The pain is gone."

As were the burns. There wasn't even a mark.

"Let me check your hands."

"I'm _fine_."

Kagome examined his palms anyway. They were healed. She rubbed her thumbs over the undersides of his wrists. He had such delicate looking hands - if she never met him before, she wouldn't have guessed he spent much of his life fighting.

The ceiling rumbled as heavy rain pounded the roof.

Sesshoumaru closed his fingers around her palms. He lifted one of her wrists to his nose. "Your lavender perfume...it lasts quite a while, doesn't it?"

"I put it on yesterday while we were packing to leave, so...yeah. I thought it already wore off."

He sniffed again. "Only to your nose."

Her cheeks flushed. There was something sexy about seeing him pick up the scents of her perfume and hand cream. They normally didn't touch each other this way. Not unless it led to sex. Kagome boldly brought one hand up to cup his cheek. He had flawless skin that put supermodels to shame. There was always the slightest recoil, as if he'd never quite grown accustomed to a gentle caress. She brushed the purple stripes marking his right cheek and traced his parted lips with her thumb.

"Did your parents ever touch you?" She asked.

"Only when I was too young to care for myself."

She freed her other hand so she could cup his face in both. "And Rin?"

His lips quirked into the faintest smile. "She loved my hair."

"Can you blame her?" Kagome giggled. "When do you plan to grow it out again?"

Sesshoumaru shrugged. "When I feel ready. Once I let it grow, it will be back to my knees in a few years."

And he wasn't kidding. Kagome had to give him trims every other week or his shag went from a sexy, intentional mess to a scraggly ball of frizz. She played with a silver lock near his pointed ear. Sesshoumaru leaned back a little.

"Dog demons generally don't engage unnecessary touching."

Kagome's thumbs widened the part in his bangs. She leaned over and gently kissed his moon. "Perhaps it's time to change that. When people love, they touch." She brought his hand to her face and nuzzled it. "Oh! Your fingers are cold!"

"I think running them under cold water does that." Sesshoumaru's dry humor slipped out again.

Snickering, Kagome kissed his palm and stood up. "I should get dressed and get dinner going. And you, mister, better change out of those burnt pajama pants."

"Of course." Sesshoumaru also got to his feet. He flinched - his leg likely stung a bit, but his pride wouldn't let him voice it.

Before Kagome could leave the bathroom, he grasped her arm and pulled her back. She found herself against his chest, his arms wrapped lightly around her. His scent surrounded her like a comforting fog.

"I learn fast, Kagome." His voice drowned out his heartbeat and the rushing sounds of breathing. Then he let her go, and she floated into her bedroom on a giddy, invisible cloud that smelled like thyme. After dressing, she skipped into the kitchen to make a hot meal.

A few minutes later, she poured a steaming pot of ramen into a large bowl and flavored it with carrot slices and pieces of chicken. Sesshoumaru parked on the floor next to the recliner. He'd changed into a plain black yukata that made him look paler than usual.

"Hungry?" Kagome placed two sets of chopsticks on the placemats of her low coffee table. "You haven't eaten since yesterday morning."

"I eat less now that I'm healthy." Sesshoumaru ignored the chopsticks. Then, more quietly, "But thank you anyway."

"Are you sure?"

"Later." He smirked, "I'm feeling lightheaded thanks to that damnable lightning."

"It's probably your Vagus nerve reacting to intestinal spasms." Kagome grumbled, monitoring the boiling water. "You're lucky that strike didn't rip your guts apart."

"Hn." Sesshoumaru shifted where he sat. He rubbed his forehead with his palm.

"Are you okay? Maybe you should go lay down. You look like you're about to puke."

"I've been hit by lightning before, and it made me lightheaded." He waved a hand. "I'm fine. It'll pass."

"And how did it happen to you the first time?"

He looked up, smiling slightly. "Getting Rin into shelter from a violent storm. I felt the prickle and knew a strike was imminent, so I held Tenseiga over my head so the lightning would strike me instead of her. It made my armor explode off my body, and I had burns in my hand and here," he pointed to his right hip where the bolt had exited. "That strike was much stronger than today's, and it knocked me unconscious. When I woke, Rin was trying to shield me from the rain with her body."

_How...noble. No matter how many times he must have convinced himself he didn't care, he always leapt to Rin's rescue when she needed him_.

The egg timer rang. Finally, the ramen was ready. Kagome smiled and dished herself a generous portion. Sitting at the table with a soft "oof," she proceeded to wolf her food down in record time. Sesshoumaru watched her with an arched brow.

"This is so good...are you sure you don't want any?"

"Perhaps I will have a taste." He said, picking up his chopsticks and reaching for the bowl. Halfway there, he twitched, blinked and dropped the chopsticks. They rang slightly as they clattered off the edge of the table.

Kagome lowered her chopsticks. "Hey, are you okay?"

Sesshoumaru shifted where he sat and pressed a hand to his chest. His aura spiked. He took a slow, long breath and whispered, "My heart stopped."

Kagome blinked. She set down her bowl and chopsticks and stared at him. "What do you mean, your heart stopped? Sesshoumaru?"

"My heart stopped beating." Sesshoumaru's voice lost its apathy. "It...it just _stopped_."

"That's not funny," she snapped. "You wouldn't be conscious without a heartbeat."

"This is no jest. My heart stopped." Sesshoumaru glanced down at his chest and then back up at her. His face had gone whiter than paper, as if a sponge drained all the color from his skin. He swallowed hard. His eyes widened and lost focus. A look of terror came over his pretty face. "It's so dark"

"Oh, my God!" Kagome jumped up and threw herself over the table, landing hard on her knees in front of him. There was no pulse in his neck when she touched his throat. The only heart beating in the room was her own. How could he stay conscious this long without a heartbeat? Humans in full arrest tended to lose consciousness in eight seconds or less!

"Kagome." His eyes blinked slowly. He gripped at her wrists, and his trembling hands were like ice. All at once he seemed more fragile than glass when he whispered, "_Please_..."

She grabbed his shoulders. "Sesshoumaru?"

This wasn't real. Being the powerful demon he was, Sesshoumaru could restart his own heart with his demonic aura. She sensed it trying. If he could stay awake without any blood flow to his brain, he had the ability to force his heart to beat. Surely, he could!

Kagome squeezed his shoulders. She felt his aura rising and falling, each rise smaller than the last until it stopped peaking altogether. Abruptly, his skin took on a grayish cast. Sesshoumaru cupped her face and stared deep into her eyes with the desperation of a drowning man.

He gasped.

Once.

Twice.

The fingers on her cheekbones slipped off.

"_Ka...go...me_..."

His mouth was _blue_.

Kagome shook him. "Sesshoumaru! Stay with me!"

Sesshoumaru's eyes dulled and rolled back into his head. His mouth dropped open in a spasm. From his throat came a soft, unnatural gurgling sound.

She screamed, "_SESSHOUMARU!_"

He jerked like he'd been struck and would have fallen backwards without Kagome holding him up. She laid him down seconds before a brief convulsion wracked his frame. It lasted a second, and he lay still afterward. His lips moved and his chest rose and fell at irregular intervals, the agonal fish out of water respirations of someone in full cardiac arrest.

Time stretched on and on, pulling taut and vibrating somewhere in Kagome's stomach. Sesshoumaru's hand lay palm-up on the table, and the flesh under his fingernails rapidly turned blue like his lips. His ears also turned blue, and it slowly crept to his eyelids and toes.

"Sesshoumaru! No. Please, God, don't!" Kagome cried. Basic survival instincts kicked in. He could be saved. She found the bottom of his sternum with the heel of her left hand. Planting her right hand across the back of her left, she kept her arms stiff and used her weight to squeeze his heart between his breastbone and spine.

"One, two, three, four..." She counted to thirty before tilting his head back and breathing into his open mouth.

Even as she spared three seconds to dial for an ambulance, she knew. With memories of a willow tree blasting apart in a storm, she knew. Between her own voice screaming Sesshoumaru's name and her hands trying desperately to keep his blood pumping, she knew. When she felt the warm contents of his bladder escaping and pooling around her knees, she knew...

All at once there were four other men taking up the available room inside her tiny apartment. Someone pulled her off Sesshoumaru's lifeless form and gloved hands took over where she'd exhausted herself. Unfamiliar fingers pulled the black yukata off Sesshoumaru's white chest. Metal cups were attached to his pectorals. The portable monitor they came from sounded an alarm. Glowing green sawtooth lines flickered across the screen.

"He's in V-fib. Charge to two hundred. CLEAR!"

THONK!

"No change. Resume compressions."

"I need an amp of epi."

The needle stabbed Sesshoumaru's chest, but Kagome felt it in her soul. She watched the paramedic inject artificial adrenaline straight into his heart.

"Nothing. Tsujitani?"

"Bag him!"

A clear plastic mask settled over Sesshoumaru's nose and mouth. Hands squeezed the Ambu bag, and the demon lord's chest rose and fell.

"Charging to two-fifty. CLEAR!"

THONK!

"No pulse. Crap. Nagashima, resume compressions." The medic known as Tsujitani spoke into his walkie talkie, "Yamaguchi, Narita, bring the gurney!"

Two more people joined the fray. They wheeled a gurney and the lifeless body on the ground was placed on it. Someone straddled that body and continued CPR all the way into the ambulance.

Kagome had no memory of the ride to the hospital. She was in the hallway, following the gurney into the brightly lit curtain of Trauma Two.

"...sudden cardiac arrest following a lightning strike."

"Sesshou? Oh, shit! I know this guy!"

Kagome barely recognized Kanrau's voice as the attending physician. She saw his gloved hands clutch a silver laryngoscope.

"No!" She blindly reached out, "I'll do it."

Kanrau handed her the laryngoscope. Kagome flicked on the light at the tip of the blade and stuck it gently into the right side of Sesshoumaru's mouth. Carefully, she swept his tongue to the left and advanced the laryngoscope blade until the tiny fold of his epiglottis appeared at twelve o'clock. Kagome aimed the blade for the base of Sesshoumaru's epiglottis and lifted it gently upwards. His vocal cords appeared as a tiny white triangle no bigger than his eyelids. She used her teeth to tear the endotracheal tube from its wrapper, guided it gently between the vocal folds and inflated the balloon cuff to hold it in place. The whole process only took a few seconds.

Kanrau snapped an ambu bag onto the tube once it was in. Somebody squeezed it to deliver air into Sesshoumaru's lungs while another nurse listened with the stethoscope. His agonal respirations had stopped, so the only oxygen he got came through the bag.

"Good breath sounds," somebody stated.

"Please, not like this..." Kagome shivered, "He's still in v-fib!"

"Toast him again!" Kanrau shouted.

Another nurse replied, "Charge to three hundred. CLEAR!"

THONK!

"Dammit, Sesshou! Again!"

"Charge to three-fifty. CLEAR!"

Sesshoumaru arched and relaxed.

"Pupils are fixed and dilated."

Kanrau pushed Kagome aside and took up the chest compressions himself. "Kagome, ease up! I got it." He grabbed the paddles and called for a clear-out. The defibrillators thumped again. "We have a - dammit! Heart's all over the place! I can't keep a rhythm!" He threw the paddles back onto the tray and went back to applying compressions. "Come on, Sesshou! Come on! Noto, gimme -"

"Got it, don't worry."

"Come on!" Kanrau growled. "Paddles!"

Kagome was at the head of the gurney now, her forehead pressed to the moon on Sesshoumaru's brow. Around her, squeaky wheels and monitors shrieked. Voices murmured. Packages rasped open. The ambu bag hissed.

"Charged to three-sixty. CLEAR!"

She leapt back and the defibrillators thumped once more. Sesshoumaru's body jerked from the shock. What if he could still feel? What if he heard, saw, smelled, tasted and felt everything going on around him? Just before he lost consciousness, he'd looked at her like somebody being swallowed by a void. She held tightly to him with her will, begging him to live.

_"I've never seen lightning hit a tree before."_

_"It was spectacular. It reminded me of how quickly a life can end."_

The nurses stabbed more epinephrine into Sesshoumaru's heart. Kagome heard his ribs breaking from the chest compressions. His eyes stared into nothing.

"I'm here," Kagome whispered into Sesshoumaru's pointed ear. She stroked his cheek as if the gentle action would somehow negate the harsh chest compressions, the stabbing needles and the violent defibrillator shocks. "I'm right here with you."

Kanrau gave more orders. Nurses scurried.

Another shock.

The monitors caught a for a hopeful beat, and then dissolved into a steady tone.

_Asystole_.

Kagome squeezed her eyes shut, and her will watched helplessly as Sesshoumaru was sucked into the darkness.

"Doctor Yakamoto, we've been at him for an hour..."

"Shut up, Noto!" Kanrau slammed his fist into the middle of Sesshoumaru's chest - a futile precordial thump. The lines on the monitor remained flat. He did it again, and again, ten times with all the desperate power of a doctor who called death defeat.

"Doctor..."

Kanrau slowly drew back. His face contorted. Even before he spoke, Kagome knew...

"Time of death," he sighed, "eighteen-hundred."

Then he climbed off the table, kicked aside an empty tray and flung his gloves hard onto the tile floor.

Kagome's hands rose up and cupped Sesshoumaru's chin. The last bits of color in his skin faded into sickly gray. Those boyish lips she caressed less than an hour ago were so blue against the clear tube in his mouth. His eyes had relaxed, but all the beautiful coloring was swallowed by his dilated pupils. Behind them, brain cells were losing their connections and withering.

And she couldn't do anything.

"Sesshoumaru..." Kagome was still too shocked to cry. "It's too cold to be laying here without a shirt." She pulled a sheet up to his shoulders and smoothed his bangs so they fell evenly around his moon.. "Is...is that better?"

"Kagome," Kanrau said. He sounded so grim. "I'm sorry...he - "

"No!" She yelled at him. "Don't say it! Don't say it again!"

"Kagome, he's - "

But she wasn't listening anymore. Her eyes were drawn to the katana tattoo on the forearm of the male nurse cleaning up the floor around the gurney.

"This isn't over." Hope ripped through her so hard it hurt. "Kanrau, take me to the Higurashi shrine."

Kanrau sighed and pulled the sheet over Sesshoumaru's head. "Let's move him out of the ER, first. Then I want an explanation."

"I'll tell you on the way." Kagome hung her head. She helped the male doctor guide the gurney down the hall and into another room. The silent darkness would hold him safe until she returned with Tenseiga.

"Wait," she said once they had Sesshoumaru out of sight. "Help me get that yukata off him. I don't want to leave him laying in his own urine."

She was glad she thought of that. All the efforts to resuscitate him caused his bowels to void. His bottom and calves were covered in waste, and she spent several minutes cleaning him off. Then she threw the soiled yukata into the biohazard container and covered him with the sheet.

_There's nothing pretty about death_. Kagome thought bitterly. _You stop breathing, you piss and crap on yourself and then you decompose_.

Kanrau waited patiently for her to finish. He closed the door and addressed the front desk, "Room six has a body in it. Please don't move it. Family will be coming."

The receptionist behind the desk nodded. "You got it."

Kagome couldn't see beyond the hope lying right next to the Bone Eater's well. She slumped into the passenger's seat of Kanrau's pickup truck and told him the whole story of both swords. Whether any of it made sense to Kanrau or not didn't matter to her. She could only see the glowing blue hope of Tenseiga.

"He said lightning couldn't hurt him." Her own voice sounded hollow like the parking garage they were leaving. "He was burnt, but he seemed fine. Then he just looked at me and said his heart stopped. He stayed conscious for almost sixty seconds without a heartbeat."

"Remarkable..." Kanrau eased onto the freeway. "The lightning might have disrupted the conduction system of his heart. He didn't always have a metal valve. That might be the reason his rhythm destabilized."

"It's not fair!" Kagome growled. "He was fine. He was _fine_. He was ready to start over! Why?"

Her companion shook his head. She didn't expect him to have an answer.

The pickup truck pulled off the freeway and drove over a few side-streets. Finally, through the rain, the familiar trees outside her childhood home came into view. The shrine behind it had been closed down ever since Grandpa died four years ago, but the Sacred Tree and the Bone Eater's well were still there.

Kanrau proved himself adept at picking locks. He pulled away the chains holding the doors to the well closed. Kagome felt pangs of familiarity ripple up her spine. The smell of the wood, the dust, the wooden steps all made her jaw clench.

She ran to the south corner and wasn't surprised to find some of Grandpa's old gardening tools. A spade, a shovel and a broom, dusty and wrought with cobwebs. She stabbed the shovel into the Earth on the west side of the well - the very spot she stepped on every time she came home, and began to dig. The hard ground didn't give easily. It wasn't long before Kanrau took the shovel from her and picked up where she left off.

Neither spoke. There was only the hiss of metal biting dirt.

When Kanrau got tired, Kagome carried on. They kept at it until the hole was six feet deep and the shovel hit wood.

"Here we go." Kanrau widened the hole.

"Be gentle!" Kagome climbed down with the spade. The wood Kanrau exposed looked old and rotted, and there were no signs of the swords. That meant they were inside with Inuyasha.

"I need the spade," said Kanrau. "Don't worry, I'll be careful."

Numbly, Kagome handed it over. Kanrau pushed it into the seam where the lid met the rest of the simple wooden coffin. The ancient wood crumbled apart anyway, and Kanrau moved it aside in pieces. Inside was a tattered sheet covering Inuyasha's remains.

Kagome and Kanrau looked at each other. They were dirty, sweaty and tired, and the fruit of their efforts lay before them.

Kanrau laid the spade next to the coffin and gently moved the shroud. Underneath was a skeleton clad in familiar red clothing. Inuyasha's clothes withstood the test of time. A lock of white hair clung stubbornly to the skull, and the black pearl containing his father's tomb lay gently in one of the eye sockets. His skeletal hands were folded neatly on his stomach, on which rested Tenseiga and Bakusaiga. Tetsusaiga was sheathed at his waist.

Kagome clenched her teeth and gently lifted the swords. Inuyasha's hands crumbled, literally _crumbled_, and pieces of bone dust wafted into the air. A small cry escaped her throat. This wasn't how she wanted to remember Inuyasha!

"Oh, no." She tried to put his hands back together, but the fragments just fell apart. Time laughed cruelly at her efforts. It was always the one foe nobody could win against. Human, half-demon and demon alike were its prey.

Sesshoumaru's words haunted her:

_"What is sad is we _know_ what is to come when we point thorns at our hearts, yet we do it anyway..."_

Kagome pulled the shroud up over Inuyasha's remains and tried to put the lid back onto his coffin the best she could. She forced down the tears seeking freedom behind her eyelids. Not yet. It wasn't time to cry. Crying meant giving up, and Sesshoumaru needed her strength.

"We have what we came for," she gathered up the spade and the two swords.

A hand on her shoulder stopped her. "I'll cover him back up. You need to breathe."

"I - "

He pinned her in his eyes, and for several seconds he looked just like the half-demon he descended from. "Doctor's orders, Kagome. Clean up, and I'll be right out."

Cleaning up didn't take much effort. She pulled herself out of the open grave and walked outside where the rain fell steadily. Raindrops splashed on her skin and the dirt rolled off her face in brown streaks that stained her gray hoodie.

She wrapped the swords in a tarp in the tailgate of Kanrau's truck and cradled them in her arms. Then she stared blankly at her reflection in the passenger's side window. Her reflection stared back, a wet, bedraggled girl whose bangs stuck to her forehead.

The doors leading to the well creaked. Chains rattled and a lock clicked back into place. Kagome dully realized Kanrau's white mandarin-style shirt became transparent when wet, and his tan slacks were dirt-smudged. He wore new white tennis shoes that were now stained gray-brown like grave dust. How many grains were pieces of Inuyasha?

Dust motes made of Inuyasha's hands were floating in the air now. Some would drift to the ground. Others would waft up into the atmosphere like a soul and float around the world forever.

She felt like she just desecrated something sacred.

"C'mon." Kanrau told her gently. He guided her into the truck and ran the heater full blast as they pulled away from the shrine.

Neither spoke during the half hour drive back to the hospital where Sesshoumaru was turning all different shades of gray, purple and blue. If this didn't work, he would dissolve away into bones that crumbled - just like Inuyasha.

"I'll be the distraction. You slip the swords in with Sesshoumaru."

Kagome nodded without looking at him.

Once they arrived in the hospital building, Kanrau contrived a great story about changing a flat tire on the side of a muddy road in the rain. Boy, flat tires were sure annoying on back roads, weren't they? At least it explained their bedraggled appearance. Nobody even questioned the bright blue tarp Kagome cradled like a large infant while her shoes squished down the hall.

The lights were off in the room. Everything lay still, utterly undisturbed since she left.

Kagome propped the swords against the wall by the door. She used a syringe to deflate the cuff at the base of the endotracheal tube and gently pulled it from Sesshoumaru's mouth, taking great care not to cause any damage. Extubating a person who couldn't help was a lot harder than someone able to exhale and "blow" it out. She gently closed his jaw and adjusted his head into a more comfortable position. There was no point in trying to close his eyes; they wouldn't stay. She uncovered Sesshoumaru's left side.

Hope rose in her heart when she took Tenseiga from its sheath and laid his hand on top of its handle. His skin felt waxy against her fingertips.

"Here. It's Tenseiga." Kagome clasped her hands around Sesshoumaru's, which she held wrapped around the sword's handle. "Come on."

Nothing happened.

Tension rippled up Kagome's spine. She laid Tenseiga on Sesshoumaru's chest and rested his hand on top. Every second tingled under her skin. The sword glowed ever so faintly, like a glow stick on its last legs. Kagome held her breath when the light faded. She waited for those fingers to move, for that chest to rise, and his words once again haunted her:

_"If by chance I do go beyond the help of your doctors and medicines, you can always unearth Tenseiga. If I have any desire to return, it will resurrect me if placed in my hands within three days of my death."_

"It hasn't been three days," Kagome pleaded. "Dammit, Sesshoumaru...it hasn't been three days!"

_"...If I have any desire to return..."_

Tenseiga went dark. The body beneath it didn't move.

"Sesshoumaru! You dumbass, why did you have to stand outside? This is your own fault! Now fix it! Get back here!" She cupped his face in her hands. "You can't do this! Not this way! Breathe. _Breathe!_"

Sesshoumaru remained inert, as white and lifeless as the bones in Inuyasha's grave. Kagome felt her heart crumbling into smaller and smaller pieces. His face looked wrong with cloudy, flattened eyes and dry, wrinkling lips slowly turning the same shade of purple as his stripes. She couldn't tell where his skin ended and his hair began. His ears were a weird mix of blue and purple, as if the color in his stripes bled upward when he died.

_Died_...

"No!" Kagome pounded her fists against his shoulders. The agony she held back ever since he appeared in the home where she worked welled behind her breastbone and voice box like magma. "You can't go like this...you _can't_...I love you. Dammit, I _love_ you!"

She collapsed on his chest, sobbing for all the times she held back tears. Crying for herself, for Inuyasha, for Sesshoumaru and the fruitlessness of everything. All the fighting against Naraku, and time still won. Every single friend she made in the Feudal Era lay in the dirt, their bones disintegrating into obscurity.

The frantic look on Sesshoumaru's face rose up in her mind like a ghost. He was _terrified_ because he _knew_. Like all things cognizant enough to recognize life and death, even he sought to escape its grasp when he felt it wrap around his heart. He'd looked at her, his eyes _pleading_, and she had failed him.

He wanted to be found. He wanted to live.

She _failed_.

If only she hadn't scoffed. If only she'd run to his side sooner. If only...

_Nothing would have brought him back, and he knew it_.

Kagome curled up next to Sesshoumaru's body. It was like the days during his coma, where she talked to him without expecting an answer. "You're getting cold again...it's stupid how hospitals feel so cold, isn't it?"

She peeked at his face. Finally, she couldn't stand it anymore, and gently closed his eyes with surgical tape.

"Dry eyes hurt, you know." She fidgeted with his hair and the blankets. "And you seem to be trying very hard to look disgusting while dead. Stop it. It's not working."

Tenseiga hadn't done a single thing besides glow. What if so long away from Sesshoumaru left it useless?

Kagome's tears began anew. She kissed his mouth between sobs, the whole of her being aching for this to be a nightmare. Curling up beside Sesshoumaru once more, she buried her face in his soft hair.

The silence registered after the waves of grief abated. It blanketed the room in utter stillness. Kagome realized how annoying she must have been, chattering away for want of something to fill the emptiness. Sesshoumaru was right about her all along.

_"Silence is the voice of time, it speaks to you in a language without words. You must listen in order to hear it. You must watch in order to see it. You must be still in order to feel it. And then you must understand it if you wish to embrace it."_

_Silence is even older than time, isn't it, Sesshoumaru? It was here before the Big Bang that started the universe, and it's what happens after death. It'll be here long after we're gone_.

Kagome patted Sesshoumaru's bangs down. Time and silence folded around them like lovers, cradling them in stillness. These would be the moments she'd fumble for paperwork and make phone calls to ensure his wish to be cremated was carried out. Then she'd have to call Hana and Akemi and talk to the patients in the home. She'd face sympathy hugs, plaintive voices and confused expressions. People asking questions and saying they were sorry for lack of anything else to tell her, and by the time she finished worrying about _tomorrow_, all she would want was...

_I understand now_. Kagome thought. And she lamented her understanding for coming hours too late to be of any use. She snuggled even closer to the lifeless demon lord, trying with all her might to keep the inevitable chill off his skin. His body was so quiet without the sounds and motions of breathing. She stroked the side of his neck. No pulse trembled under his skin. He lay like a garment cast down. _Oh, Sesshoumaru...I'm sorry_.

The door slowly cracked open, spreading a line of white light into the dim room. Kagome looked up to Kanrau peeking in.

"Did it work?"

She shook her head and put it back down.

Kanrau's face fell. "I'm sorry...anything I can get you? Water? The phone?"

Again, she shook her head no.

"Do you want to be alone with him a little bit longer?"

She nodded, closing her eyes. The door opened wider and she felt his hand give her shoulder a friendly squeeze. When she ignored it, his footsteps retreated and the door slowly swung shut.

Kagome tried to melt into the silent stillness in the room. She tried to melt into the bed, into Sesshoumaru's skin and into the quiet itself. Knowing, by experience, that once she left he'd be wheeled to the morgue. Tomorrow morning, she would walk downstairs to sign pages of paperwork. In the meantime, his body would lie naked and vulnerable inside a freezer. Like silverware in a drawer to be rolled out whenever someone required his presence.

Kagome kissed Sesshoumaru's lips once more time. Then she slipped Tenseiga from his cooling fingers - it felt lighter than when she'd laid it down - and wrapped it in the tarp with Bakusaiga. Everything in her heart ached as she folded his hands on his stomach, smoothed them down and drew the sheet up over his head. She picked up the swords and resisted the urge to look back at the length of his body stretched out beneath the sheet. Her last memory of Sesshoumaru would be his peaceful face, not a lifeless lump shrouded in fabric.

The halls of the hospital were a cacophony compared to the room she emerged from. Time stood still inside, but now she had to merge back into it like a car entering the freeway.

Kanrau's arm materialized behind her, wrapping gently around her shoulders and pulling her into a two-armed hug.

"Kagome, I'm so sorry..." His voice had the faintest tremor. "It's never easy. I won't pretend I can make you feel any better."

"Kanrau," Kagome heard herself say. "I want to go home."

"Sure, I'll drive you. You need sleep. It's almost two o'clock in the morning. I'll call in the home for you and tell them you can't come in."

She didn't have the heart to be startled. So what if she spent an hour and a half with Sesshoumaru's body? Time didn't matter anymore. It passed whether she acknowledged it or not.

"I need to get back here to sign all the paperwork. And I want to bring some clothes so he's decent for transport."

"His Feudal clothing?" Kanrau raised a brow while unlocking the doors to his truck.

Kagome shook her head. She dropped herself into the passenger's seat. It was just a drive around the corner, but she couldn't find it in herself to walk the distance. "Probably that gorgeous kung fu shirt and white pants. Somehow, I don't think he'd like having his kimono burn up."

"And I'm guessing no autopsy?"

"No...we already know what did it. There's no point in cutting him up."

Because cutting him up would hurt. Logically, she knew he couldn't feel pain anymore, but emotionally she couldn't deal with the mental images. She refused to let anybody else's hands touch his heart.

Kanrau said nothing more, and focused on the road. Kagome promised herself she'd hold it together until after she'd signed all the paperwork, got clothes onto Sesshoumaru's body, saw him cremated and deposited his ashes around the Well. The pain stayed at bay as long as she pretended it was just another patient.

But when she finally stepped into her empty apartment, which Shinta had kindly watched for her while she was gone, the reality of it all sank in.

_Sesshoumaru is gone_.

The chopsticks were still on the table where he dropped them.

Kagome felt like the tree she saw struck by lightning the day before. Pieces of Sesshoumaru were scattered everywhere in all the corners where he'd managed to fit himself into her life. And then, by the cruelest joke of fate, he'd been taken away again. Dangled like a carrot and snatched back right when she sank her teeth into its flavor.

He wasn't alone when he died. She tried to comfort herself with that.

_"My heart stopped."_

_"What do you mean, your heart stopped? Sesshoumaru?"_

_"My heart stopped beating. It...it just stopped." _

Kagome opened the bottom drawer of the tansu. Sesshoumaru's red and white Feudal attire lay in neatly folded squares. His armor and pelt were hung up on a sewing form she kept in the corner. She opened the next drawer up and pulled out the kung fu shirt and pants.

He'd looked so pleased when she brought that shirt home, and it was beautiful on his body. In a few days, less, maybe, those clothes and his body would be reduced to something that could fit inside a small jewelry box. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

_"That's not funny. You wouldn't be conscious without a heartbeat."_

_"This is no jest. My heart stopped."_

Kagome walked dazedly into the bathroom and peeled off her clothes. Three forty-five in the morning seemed like a grand time for a shower. She puttered to her computer afterward and brought up the digital pictures she took of Sesshoumaru in the Mitake gorge. The image of him surrounded by fireflies was so magical. He looked more like a spirit than a solid being.

_"It's so dark..."_

_"Oh, my God!" _

Aching now, she recalled the languages he'd spoken in soon after he started talking. She found her way onto an online translation site, and numbly typed in the French first. The translations wouldn't be perfect, but they'd give her an idea.

__

Vos yeux sont l' univers.

She pressed ENTER and waited.

_Your eyes are the universe_.

Another try.

_Ange de la lune_.

She waited.

_Angel of the moon_.

Heat welled behind her eyes. She went for the Italian next.

_Siete un angelo, desidero rimanere con voi_.

Again, she waited.

_You are an angel, I wish to remain with you_.

The pain became unbearable. She guessed at the Dutch, and had to try six times before it accepted her spelling.

_Ik verdrink in uw ogen_.

Her fingers trembled.

_I drown in your eyes_.

"Dammit!" Kagome slapped her hands down against her desk. Her photo editing software popped back up, reveling a photograph of Sesshoumaru looking over his shoulder, his eyes sad and mired in the past. The Tama river was just a gray blur behind him. Sesshoumaru, with his stupid, pretty, LONG hair. Kagome hated him, his hair, his eyes and his amazing body. He died today after fooling around in a thunderstorm. She shut off the computer and pushed away, resenting him for leaving her like this.

_"Kagome. Please..."_

_"Sesshoumaru?"_

_"Ka...go...me..."_

_"Sesshoumaru! Stay with me! SESSHOUMARU!"_

It wasn't until she crawled into an empty bed that painful reality sank in once more, and she cried until sleep granted her mercy.

o0o

She woke up lying in the foggy cedar clearing deep within the Mitake gorge. Nothing made a sound. Time stood still. The air should have been freezing, but she didn't feel cold, not even while dressed in just her black nightie.

A shape stirred the mist. Indistinct, distant at first, it came steadily closer. Finally, the fog parted. Kagome saw red.

Inuyasha knelt and placed something warm in Kagome's hands. He flashed his familiar, roguish smile. His eyes held hers. They shone with an emotion so naked it _hurt_. Then he stepped past her and kept walking until he vanished as mysteriously as he came. He did not look back.

Kagome looked down at the warm thing in her hands.

It was a heart with an apex, or bottom, that pointed almost straight down. The aortic arch and the trunk of the pulmonary vein almost hung over the left atrium, as if whoever molded this heart twisted it a little to the right. Fine black stitches formed a line between the left and right atriums.

She choked out a sob when the heart began to quiver in her hands. Instinctively, desperately, she squeezed it to try and control its fibrillation. The incision split open and a Saint Jude valve fell out in a gush of green light and blood. As soon as the mechanical valve fell out, the incision healed like it was never there.

Suddenly, the heart found its normal sinus rhythm and started to beat. The tighter she held it, the stronger it contracted. She could hear its double thump through her bones.

Kagome sobbed and cradled Sesshoumaru's beating heart. The fog collapsed around her with the clamor of a ringing telephone...

o0o

...and she opened her eyes to daylight pouring across her bed. The phone brought her back to the reality of life without Sesshoumaru. Everything she did, she did in vain. Why did it matter?

The phone annoyed her for that reason alone. Stopping it was prudent, because she could go back to sleep and keep sleeping until she wasted away.

Kagome stumbled sticky-eyed and tired to grasp the receiver. She mumbled a half-hearted greeting. Why did she care? If this life meant nothing, surely the people in it weren't important either.

_Life_.

Such a hard habit to break.

"Kagome! It's Hana." Hana's voice cracked, "I heard about Sesshou - Kanrau...er...doctor Yakamoto told me not to call you till morning, but I couldn't keep waiting. I'm _so_ sorry...Kanrau came in all upset. He said you wanted to tell me, but he slipped and - " she sniffled, "oh, God, I'm sorry, Kagome."

"Thanks. It's okay, really." Kagome grunted. She turned on the kitchenette sink and wiped cold water on her eyes to moisten them, because for the oddest reason they felt dryer than a desert. Her own breath tasted bitter like sand on the back of her tongue. "The whole thing happened so fast...I don't think he felt any pain. I just...I-I don't want to talk about it right now. I'm still in shock. I need to get his clothes to the hospital so he'll look nice for transport."

Hana jumped in, "Do you want me to come with you?"

_So many frivolous words_, Sesshoumaru would've said.

"No, thanks. I need to be alone for awhile," said Kagome. "I need time to take all of this in."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." She bit the insides of her lips. _I just want peace and quiet!_

"Okay...but call me if you need anything."

"Will do. Bye." Kagome closed her eyes and hung up before Hana could say her farewells. She slapped the phone into its cradle. On impulse she shut off the ringer just so she wouldn't have to break the quiet that followed her home from the hospital.

She went back to bed, but sleep escaped her. Sighing, reluctant and exhausted, she got up once again.

Breakfast was nothing more than a granola bar and a few sips of milk. Kagome didn't want to waste time making something complicated. Her innards felt too tight anyway.

It looked chilly outside. She cleaned her teeth and dressed in a green figure-hugging knitted turtleneck and jeans. Then she gathered Sesshoumaru's clothes in a used shopping bag and ventured outside into the crisp morning air. It was nearly noon; the violent storms were gone and clear skies let the sun shine brightly on the city.

Kagome dropped herself into her tiny black car and drove to the hospital. Not far, but she had other places to go - the mortuary, for one, and then maybe that little store across town that sold really nice urns. Sesshoumaru deserved something more than a cardboard box for his vessel before she sprinkled his ashes all around the Bone Eater's well.

Traffic was heavy with Christmas shoppers, but moved along at a steady pace. The holiday cheer didn't reach her. She hated every smiling face she saw, because _those_ people didn't just lose someone they loved yesterday. They weren't going to miss their first Christmas with a demon from the distant past. _They_ weren't going to spend their holidays alone, bitter and angry enough to scream at anybody who wished them a merry Christmas.

_Sesshoumaru, you're an asshole for picking this time of year to die. I was going to show you the mistletoe, the busy malls and the decorations. I wanted to put up a tree while you slept and watch the confusion on your face. I wanted to stick a Santa hat on your head and dress you up in the ugliest Christmas sweater I could find. I wanted to show you a special dinner and maybe have a good Christmas romp in bed_.

Kagome's fingers tightened on the steering wheel. She narrowed her eyes when a red light forced her to stop.

_But no, you dropped dead on me instead, and left me alone to pick up the wreck you made of my life. It's Christmas in three weeks, and you're dead...and this damn light is taking forever!_

The pesky light finally turned, allowing Kagome the right of way. She peeled across the intersection and cut off another driver when she pulled into the hospital parking garage.

Kanrau was sitting outside the entrance, sipping coffee from a Styrofoam cup. The stubble on his chin and the bags under his eyes told her he hadn't gotten any sleep yet. He looked up when Kagome approached.

"Shitty night," He mumbled. "Sesshoumaru is in the morgue downstairs. I had to field two MVA's with train wreck patients. They all lived. Then some little old man comes in with a mild stomachache and dies of a ruptured appendix."

"Ouch." Kagome sympathized. "Are you still on duty?"

He shook his head. "No, it's doctor Kaye's shift now."

"Oh, that's David, isn't it?" She stumbled a little over the foreign name. "Wasn't he shadowing you for rounds last month?"

"Yeah." Kanrau took another drink of his coffee. "He's all oriented now. I just wanted to wait for you in case you need help getting Sesshoumaru dressed."

Things fell silent for a moment. Cars drove by in the parking lot. Crows fought noisily over part of a hamburger bun. The quiet was just seeping into her when a loud THWACK broke her thoughts, and she looked up where workers were tacking tinsel above the hospital's front entrance. The smile she flashed was a bitter one. She'd give anything to rip it right back down and stomp it into the cement.

"I have Sesshoumaru's favorite modern outfit here." Kagome shook the bag.

Kanrau drained his coffee and dumped the cup into a nearby trash bin. He did look good even while scruffy. Kagome could admit a mild attraction to him, but at this point in time she wasn't in any condition for another relationship. She wasn't sure she'd ever be in any condition for love after this.

"Hana called this morning. She said you were a mess."

"I was. She let me cry on her shoulder."

Most guys didn't like admitting they cried, so Kagome was taken aback. She could picture it, Hana letting him lean on her and rubbing his back. Hana had enough compassion to rival Kaede.

"It almost went into more than just that, but she had to pass out meds. Sweet girl. Cute, too. I've always had a bit of a crush on her." Kanrau went on.

"Ask her out."

"I might." He winked at Kagome while trying to smile. His lips just twisted instead. "I liked him, Kagome. Sesshoumaru was one of the most real guys I ever knew. I had a blast teaching him how to drive my truck. He was curious about everything. He wanted to find a place in the world, and I just wanted to help him."

He sat up straighter and cracked his knuckles, abruptly changing the subject. "I took care of all the paperwork, by the way. You should only have to sign for the morgue."

"Thanks." Kagome lowered her eyes in gratitude. Kanrau had become one on a very small list of humans Sesshoumaru was amiable towards. She didn't doubt they talked about all those current, male-oriented things a woman couldn't understand. Kanrau became Sesshoumaru's role-model for a modern day man.

_And now that's gone_, she sighed sullenly.

They walked inside in silence, the crystal blue outdoor sky transforming into white ceilings and buzzing fluorescent lights. Traffic sounds became coughs and ringing telephones. Clean smells of wind and dew were now the stinging antiseptic smells of alcohol and latex.

It was nice having Kanrau nearby. At least she wasn't the only one who understood the gravity of losing Sesshoumaru.

She flashed her ID and signed the clipboard thrust under her nose.

"Ah, the pretty fella with the face tattoos, eh?" The mortician had a gold tooth in her smile. She was a tall African American and Japanese wasn't her mother tongue, but she spoke it well. The Katakana on her nametag spelled her name, Rita. "Such a shame, he was so young."

Kagome bit back a rude snicker. If only the mortician knew. She wondered idly if Sesshoumaru's body was rolled into the refrigerator in time to avoid rigor mortis. Dressing a stiff corpse would be difficult. Kagome knew from the experiences she had dressing patients so the family could view their bodies before transport to the mortuary.

But Sesshoumaru lay naked on a metal slab inside a refrigeration unit. He _needed_ clothes.

"Right in here. He's the last unit by the wall. Do you want me to roll him out for you?"

"No, thanks." Kagome shook her head. "We can do it. He'd want it that way."

Rita nodded. "I'll be back in a bit. Take all the time you need."

The heavy door shut, thrusting the morgue into hollow silence. Kagome felt the hollowness rise through her gullet and threaten to choke her until she became like the bodies tucked into the walls. She braced herself for the pain she knew she'd feel. She braced herself against the cold she knew would ooze into the room once the seal of the refrigeration unit was broken. She braced herself for when she had to unzip that black body bag and see the lifeless face underneath. His lips would be dry, painfully wrinkled and paler than snow.

"I'll roll him out." Kanrau said. He approached the door in the far corner, grasped the handle and pulled, and the table slid out like a giant cutlery drawer.

Kagome closed her eyes. This moment felt worse than seeing Inuyasha's skeleton, so she wanted to delay it as long as possible. It remained fiction, a nightmare, a horrible delusion, as long as she didn't look.

Kanrau gasped. He grabbed Kagome's arm _hard_.

She opened her eyes.

The black body bag was torn to shreds. A ripped identification wristband bearing Sesshoumaru's name sat on the edge of the stainless steel table, and lying in a small puddle of blood nearby was a Saint Jude artificial mitral valve.


	22. Embrance the Silence

o0o

****

Embrace the Silence

EPILOGUE  
Embrace the Silence

o0o

Kagome didn't even realize she'd fainted. Suddenly, she was in another room, and Kanrau was calling her name. He patted her cheeks until her eyes focused on his face. She looked up and smiled. If this was a dream, she never wanted to wake up.

"He's alive." She blurted. The hollowness inside her vanished in the sudden hope taking its place. "I have to get home, he might go there looking for me."

"Whoa, whoa..." Kanrau's hands grasped her shoulders and pushed her back down. "That blood was a few hours old, Kagome. I don't know what happened, but he must have gotten out of there right after he was put there last night."

"How's that possible? I didn't sense him."

"Maybe he didn't want to be sensed."

But Kagome's mind wasn't rational. She kept insisting she had to go home. What if Sesshoumaru merely hid out to prevent his resurrection from scaring everybody in the hospital? He could be headed to her apartment right now, and she wasn't home!

Kanrau wouldn't let her leave until she ate a decent hot lunch in the cafeteria. She chewed her way through a whole plate of gyoza and downed half a bottle of ramune. Then she borrowed a Lifesaver from Kanrau so her breath wouldn't smell like onions.

"And _you_ need to get your butt in bed." Kagome admonished the handsome doctor.

"I plan to." Kanrau replied. "Man..." He set his chopsticks down and wiped at the stubble on his chin. His facial hair seemed to want to form into a goatee. "What are you going to say to him when you see him?"

"I don't know. But I should get home."

Kagome couldn't recall anything she said to him after that. She'd gone from angry to euphoric in the span of thirty minutes. People on the road around her must have wondered what she smoked before getting into her car, because she drove to her house with a huge grin.

They could still have that special Christmas. The dinner, the ridiculous clothes, the tree, the quiet walks around the mall, the romps in bed...everything!

She shoved her key into the lock and turned it. Her front door creaked and silence greeted her. No shaggy head of silver hair to turn and ask her where she'd been. No pretty demon sleeping on the futon in the corner by the TV. No smells of shampoo to indicate a recent shower.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru!" She called.

Maybe he was out on the balcony. She rushed through her sleeping area.

The balcony was empty. Kagome bit back her fear and ascended the ladder next to the back door. Nobody on the roof. Even the bathroom remained silent and unoccupied.

Her feet heavy, she went back into her apartment. She glanced at her television set. Something small had been taped to her TV screen. She pulled it off and unfolded it.

It was the fortune from the fortune cookie.

__

Don't ask, don't say.  
Everything lies in silence.

Smiling, she figured Sesshoumaru was hiding somewhere. The movies always did it like that - the heroine turned around and the hero would be waiting there to sweep her up and kiss away the pain.

She turned around.

Nothing.

Kagome's euphoria vanished like a blown-out flame. Her ears rang in the stillness. That strange hollow feeling from the morgue returned. She wondered when her brain was going to short out from all the changes in neurotransmitters.

The hours dragged around her like molasses. She waited. Afternoon became evening. She went to bed, got up and waited some more. Another span of daylight drifted by. When evening came again, Kagome cleaned her entire apartment. When night came, she slept. The next morning, she walked into work like a zombie and tried to pretend everything felt fine. Her life was happening to another girl, and through that girl's eyes she watched events play out like a movie.

She spent Christmas alone.

She spent New Years alone.

On Valentine's Day, she slept in.

Kagome's wounds slowly closed and scarred, and she found her noisy life smoothing over her like fresh tar on a resurfaced street.

By the time spring returned, marking a year since Sesshoumaru came into her care, she strolled past a comic book store and saw a familiar half-demon on the cover of a manga book. She ran inside and bought everything on the shelf. Then she sat on the sidewalk outside and read her own story in the form of pictures and words.

The author and artist of the manga was Rumiko Takahashi - the same Rumi Kagome knew from the ICU unit during her days in nursing school, and the same Rumi who sometimes sat with Sesshoumaru during his comatose days. He must have found Rumi, told her the story and she turned it into a manga. Rumi was always doodling, and the art looked exactly like her style. Kagome confirmed that Sesshoumaru did it when both his and Inuyasha's little idiosyncrasies leapt out at her through the paper. A lot of the adventures were fictionalized, but the dialog in every single scene where Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru appeared together was accurate down to the last word. The manga artist drew everyone a little more childlike than they actually looked. Especially Sesshoumaru - on the page, he looked like a very tall child. By summer, the manga became an anime with a rapidly growing fan base.

It _was_ something Sesshoumaru would do. Better the world remembered through fictional stories than not at all.

Once, Kagome dug up her old school uniform and cosplayed as herself. It hurt, seeing others dressed up as imitations of the friends she made, but she held in her tears.

For all her trouble, she ran into Kanrau cosplaying as Naraku. He startled the life out of her when he took the headpiece off his fake baboon pelt, and it came as no surprise that he entered and won all the costume contests. Kagome also discovered Kanrau came with Hana, who was dressed up as none other than Kagura. She was six inches too short to be the wind sorceress, but she looked _beautiful_ in her costume. Red lipstick really suited her tiny lips.

"Fancy meeting _you_ here." Kagome chided her workmates.

Kanrau lowered his voice and did a frighteningly perfect imitation of Naraku's laugh. He even had red contact lenses, a detail other Naraku cosplayers weren't wearing.

"You have to admit, it's a great concept. Funny the lead would be named after you." Kanrau winked at Kagome.

Kagome blushed a bit. "It's just a coincidence."

"Oh, come on, Kags," Hana gave her shoulder a playful punch. "Oh...you should look behind you."

"Huh?" She turned, and there was Ken, dressed as Inuyasha. The costume was a little too large for him and the wig combed too neatly, but he had a huge smile on his face and waved around a huge, cardboard cut out of Tetsusaiga.

"I'll stop Naraku!" Ken shouted. He ran at Kanrau and poked him with the cardboard sword. Kanrau pretended he'd been stabbed and fell flat on his back. Ken held his sword up with a triumphant smile. "I beat you! I beat you!"

"Aah!" Kagome giggled. "Sit, boy!"

Ken laughed and dropped to sit on his butt on the ground.

Kagome watched Hana offer Kanrau her hand. They hugged each other, and for a moment their gazes remained locked. Kagome could practically sense the dynamic between them.

"I wonder what Sesshou would've thought of all this." Hana remarked. "I guess Rumi thought he'd make a great character since the Sesshoumaru figure looks and talks just like him."

Kagome averted her eyes to hide her bitterness and helped Ken off the floor. At that, Hana's face fell.

"Oh, Kagome...I'm sorry." She reached over and hugged Kagome. "I should've kept my big mouth shut."

"It's okay." Kagome hugged her friend back. "You and Kanrau should go have fun. C'mon, Ken, let's go see the dealer room. Maybe they'll have a cool T-shirt for you."

"Okay!" Ken clapped his hands together. He picked at the plastic string of beads around his neck.

While they were in the dealer room, Kagome saw a tall figure with silver hair cascading down its back. A pelt hung off the right shoulder and a metal pauldron decorated the left.

Her heart in her throat, she left Ken beside a display of anime figurines and rushed over. "Sesshoumaru?"

The figure turned, and the face that greeted her wasn't Sesshoumaru's.

Kagome colored. "Sorry, I thought you were somebody else. Love the costume."

"Thanks," the girl smiled.

Kagome walked back to Ken. Her heart sank in her stomach, but she tried to look happy for him. He was having fun.

She went home. Never again did she go to anime conventions. The memories weighed too much, and she doubted even Kanrau could fully understand. Knowing a truth and _living_ it were two vastly different things.

Another winter and another Christmas, and Kagome knew she couldn't stay in her familiar apartment. Not when the walls and ceiling were thick with memories too painful to bear.

She started working double shifts, saving her money by eating in the cafeteria and using less electricity, and in another year she had enough for a one-way plane ticket to the United States. She spoke and understood English well enough. Surely setting down roots somewhere completely new would be all she needed for a fresh start.

The home threw a huge going away party for her. She said goodbye to everyone, colleagues and patients alike. Tears were shed, laughter rang and she went home that night with renewed resolve.

On New Year's day, she packed her essentials - and Sesshoumaru's Feudal belongings - and disappeared into the sky on a plane bound eastward.

o0o

Southern California in the United States of America was like a slower, quieter version of Tokyo. Kagome settled down in the suburbs of the city of Orange. The living room in her rectangular apartment had a HUGE floor to ceiling window with a great northeastern view of the Anaheim hills. Her bedroom was actually a mezzanine loft leading onto a small outdoor balcony. She only had enough room to stand and take two or three steps, but she loved being able to see the street. On the balcony, she kept a wooden wind chime and a pot with a ridiculous pink flamingo ornament stuck in it because she couldn't be bothered with plants. The kitchen didn't offer much counter space, but Kagome wasn't big on cooking complicated meals. Her home served her purpose and that was all she cared about.

One thing Kagome never anticipated was the California weather. Usually, it stayed sunny and pleasant outside. Usually. During the fall and winter, the area was sometimes buffeted with the violent, dry, dusty Santa Ana winds blowing seemingly from the hills themselves. Kagome couldn't remember how they formed - something about high pressure in the Great Basin between the Rocky Mountains and the Sierra Nevada spilling air through the valley. All she knew was they were a bit of a menace, and rarely did a wind happen where she didn't see a piece of somebody's lawn furniture blowing around in the street.

The people in California were also different from in Japan. A variety of nationalities populated the area. Kagome swore she saw a Native American, an African American and a family from Mexico in the span of an hour. Everybody seemed more laid back and a little less organized. Some people proved friendly, but her neighbors kept to themselves. All Kagome got from her neighbors were their names and a door closed in her face.

__

Well, so much for that. Maybe it's my Japanese accent?

Finding a job proved simpler than expected, but it took her almost six months to get it. She took up employment in the Saint Joseph Heritage urgent care facility. The atmosphere was slower and quieter than a long-term care facility. Most of her work involved prepping patients to see the doctor on call, but the gentler, easier workload left her stress-free.

Besides, Rodrigo "Roddy" Sanchez, the young Mexican-American nurse she worked with, had as wicked a sense of humor as Doctor Bessho.

"Hey, Kagome! What do you call a one-legged Japanese lady?"

Kagome looked up from her chart, "I dunno."

"Irene!"

She laughed and tossed a post-it package at him. "Shut up, Roddy! I'm bringing a salad next time, I swear."

"Make sure it has tomatoes, babe." Roddy winked. He had a steady girlfriend, but they always fake-flirted.

Kagome batted her eyes, "The best for you, love."

Then the phone rang and she turned away to answer it. Roddy proceeded to dance around and play with his blond-streaked ponytail while she talked, making a straight face impossible. After she finished the call, she looked over and saw him reading a volume from the Inuyasha manga.

"Dude, the chick in this looks like you. Same name, too." He said.

She snorted, "I get that a lot."

"Heh, my girlfriend has the biggest crush on Sesshoumaru." Roddy grinned over the top of his manga. "What's his name mean, anyway?"

"Well, he _is_ ridiculously pretty, and his name means 'killing perfection.'" Kagome smirked. "Who's _your_ favorite?"

Roddy looked up again. "Will you bear my children?"

Kagome giggled. She figured as much.

"Come on, a monk that gropes women is the funniest thing since the freaks on _American Idol_."

She rolled her eyes and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I never got into that show. I just watch it so I don't forget to turn on _House_."

"_Dios mio_," Roddy groaned. "You still watch that?"

"Well, I need ammo to make fun of _our_ doctor House." Kagome grinned.

"Her name is Danielle House, not Greg House."

"So? She watches it, too."

"And she's a short, chubby blonde," said a cheery voice from the doorway. In some ways Danielle reminded Kagome of Hana - she was rather plain, but she wore more makeup than Hana and liked to keep her long hair in braids or a bun. She grinned, "Now get out of here for the night, brats."

The seasons continued to pass. Not long after Valentine's day, Roddy came in on a Wednesday with ashes on his forehead and skipped lunch. Something related to his religion, but Kagome couldn't remember its importance.

Spring became summer. Summer melted into fall, and leaves began to turn color - all but the palm trees outside her apartment and the office where she worked. Patients came and went. One died of terminal lung cancer. Another had a baby. Many faces going places. Life became routine again, a well-worn route between the gray office building and the palm trees lining the walkway in front of her white apartment.

Kagome purchased a new cell phone plan that gave her free minutes after nine o'clock in the evening. She spent them calling her friends in Japan - Hana, Kanrau and even Akemi once or twice, though she couldn't say she called Akemi a friend. She did have the best gossip, after all, and it was sometimes fun listening to her rant about stupid little things.

But every night at exactly ten o'clock, she turned off her phone, shut off her TV and enjoyed the _silence_ by taking a walk along her block.

Halloween came. Kagome dressed up in a witch costume and passed out candy to the children who came to her door. On Thanksgiving, she went out to dinner with Roddy and his girlfriend, Monica. She couldn't remember the American significance for the holiday, and quite frankly the dim, intimate country atmosphere of the Black Angus steakhouse made her feel like a third wheel.

"So, Kagome..." Monica finished off her food. "Why don't you have a boyfriend yet?"

"I'm coming from a relationship." Kagome answered automatically, her favorite stock response to anybody who posed the question. There was no need to mention it had been a couple of years since Sesshoumaru slipped out of her life. "I'm taking some 'me' time to get myself straightened out before I go fishing again."

November ended in silence, and December began with a rare cold Santa Ana wind that blew away anything not tied down. By the second day, which marked the third anniversary of the date Sesshoumaru died and lived again, the winds were gusting at sixty miles per hour.

__

I should go get one of those fake Christmas trees and decorate it. Kagome thought when she surveyed her plain apartment. _I can stick it next to the staircase leading up to my bedroom_.

When she got off work that day, Kagome changed into a red Christmas sweatshirt and jeans before driving over to the Mall of Orange. Apparently, a few dozen other people had the same idea as she did. The parking lot was a zoo. High winds blasted fumes and dust between the cars, lashing at Kagome's legs as she made her way into Walmart.

__

Christmas in America is so...commercial. Kagome stared at a box of outdoor Nativity decorations. It reminded her of the fake Shikon jewels Grandpa peddled from the shrine. She tightened her lips and pushed deeper into the store. A six foot tree sounded good. There was one left on the shelf. Its weight nearly tore her arm from its socket, and she grumbled about needing the workout all the way to the checkout.

Her phone rang. She answered it while her purchase rang up. "Hello?"

"Hey!" Hana's voice crackled a little on the other end. "Guess who I'm on a date with right now?"

"Gackt?" Kagome joked.

"Nope. He's tall, dark and handsome and I'm the envy of everybody in the office."

"That sounds like Kanrau Yakamoto to me," Kagome grinned, ignoring the people who stared at her for speaking Japanese into her phone. "Really?"

"Yeah, really, and you should see Hana. She's all dressed up in blue...and she's a supermodel in disguise." Kanrau's voice came from further off, revealing the phone was on speaker.

"Oh, hush!" The blush was almost audible in Hana's voice.

Kanrau chuckled. "How's American life, Kagome?"

She giggled, "Doing okay. Hey, um, can I call you guys back when I get home? I'm about to lug a heavy fake tree to my car. Talk in thirty when my minutes are free?"

"Oh! I'm sorry, I forgot the time difference. I thought it was later there." Hana laughed as chopsticks clicked in the background. "Our lunch just got here anyway."

"Talk to you then. Bye, guys!"

"Bye!" Kanrau called out.

"Talk soon, bye." Hana added.

Kagome slipped her phone into her coat pocket at the same instant the clerk slid her the bag. She thanked him politely in English before lugging the heavy box out the door. A full moon shone down in the crystal clear skies, giving a silvery sheen to the otherwise hollow amber of the lights illuminating the parking lot. Traffic sounded louder than usual because of the strong wind. She wrestled the boxed tree into the back seat of her little brown hatchback.

It was almost nine o'clock when Kagome pulled onto her street. The two cars behind her passed on by after she parked. People down the block used any excuse to throw parties, so she paid the extra traffic no mind.

The wind blew harder near her house than it did at the mall. Being a mile closer to the mouth of a valley did that. Kagome got into her apartment and leaned on the door to close it. _Well, after all that...I'll just put that stupid thing together and decorate it tomorrow. Oh...it's nine o'clock. I guess I'll call Hana back in a few minutes_.

After all the chaos of the mall and that heavy box, Kagome needed to decompress. She stepped back outside into the stinging wind that wicked the moisture right off her lips and fumbled with the deadbolt lock.

Her phone rang.

She grabbed it. "Hana! I'm so sorry, I was going to call you back in a few min- "

"Kagome."

Kagome froze. The soft, masculine voice on the other end definitely wasn't Hana.

Time and silence came together. They reached into the hope she'd stomped flat and drew it upwards like a climbing vine.

"Sesshoumaru?"

"Yes."

Her throat ached. "I-I missed you...why didn't you come right to me?"

"I needed to see the world again."

Coherent thoughts wouldn't form in her mind. She squeaked out, "So you went to all the places you visited when - "

"Yes."

"Where are you now?"

A soft chuckle crackled across the airwaves.

"Turn around."

Kagome licked her lips and slowly about-faced. Sesshoumaru stood across the street, his phone in his hand and a smirk on his lips. She saw him touch the back of his head. He gave it a shake, and a gust of wind caught his beautiful _long_ hair. The whole length of it rippled around his shoulders and legs like silver wings.

Her heart raced when she saw him. She simultaneously broke down, came together, forgot how to breathe and healed in the same heartbeat. Like a new mother holding her child for the first time, she forgot all about the pain and struggle of _everything_.

Sesshoumaru crossed the street without a sound. In a few moments he stood in front of Kagome. The wind played with his hair and the edge of his expensive black trench coat, which he wore over a dark blue turtleneck and black slacks. His golden eyes sparkled in the moonlight. No, he _embodied_ the moonlight and owned the sky.

Kagome opened her mouth to speak. There were a thousand things she wanted to say - some nice, some nasty...and all of it could wait. This wasn't a time for words. He came back. He came _back_. She bit her bottom lip when it quivered. Her cheeks felt icy from the tears she didn't realize she shed.

They stood at the foot of her front steps for a timeless time. Kagome, watching the wind blow Sesshoumaru's bangs across his moon, and Sesshoumaru, looking straight into her eyes.

Finally, Kagome stepped forward to lean on his chest. His strong heartbeat thumped in her ear. No clicks. No murmurs. Her hands slipped around his waist and up his back. There was no roughness under his thin turtleneck. He felt immaculate and smelled amazing.

Sesshoumaru tipped her chin up and melted her with a kiss. The wind blew his hair all around them like ribbons of living moonlight. Kagome held his face in both hands as their lips danced through time and space.

__

I missed you. She shifted her hands to the nape of his neck. _I was lost without you_.

__

I'm here now. He cupped her face in his palms. His thumb brushed a salty trail from her cheek. It was warm despite the brutally cold breeze. _And I plan to stay_.

They pulled back to catch their breath. Sesshoumaru glanced over his shoulder at the full moon. The night skies were always crystal clear during a Santa Ana, and the moon shone white in its twinkling sea of stars. Then he looked back at her. He knew her life was just a few moments compared to his. She would flash and falter long before he stopped shining.

And he smiled. Just slightly, in the darkness she only saw the glint of his fangs, but she knew.

In growing together, somehow, they filled in the holes in each other's lives. They were whole again. Not as they were in the past - nothing could ever bring that back - but they rebuilt with the pieces, and their pieces spilled into one another's. And through their reconstruction, through _all_ of it, they _survived_.

He never looked more beautiful to her than that moment, where his eyes became mirrors for her heart. She was the reason he came back. He could have stayed in the Netherworld. He could have settled down anywhere in the world, and of all those places...he chose her side.

__

If we're like thorn birds... Kagome thought,_ ...then this moment and everything after is our song_.

She encircled Sesshoumaru's waist, holding his heartbeat against her own. To embrace him was to embrace the silence only he could bring. After a moment, he gently wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her even closer. Closer than making love, closer than the cold nipping at her skin - so close their bodies cast a single shadow across her doorstep - and they started to sway. Slowly, gently, dancing to the silence while pressed together for warmth and a desperate need to stay in physical contact.

Kagome didn't know how long they danced there, surrounded by his silver hair and gusty winds. It didn't matter. Above them, the moon and stars tracked across the sky. Trees rustled in the breeze. Life ebbed and flowed. The universe continued its expansion. Kagome and Sesshoumaru did not feel its pull. They just danced, slowly, silently, a sensual slide that created its own tempo.

If she looked to one side, she envisioned the past. If she looked to the other, she couldn't see the future. But when she looked straight ahead into the present, there stood Sesshoumaru. Time lay still in the safety of his arms. The message he tried to send ever since he woke up finally made sense to her, and she embraced it as tightly as she did him.

Yesterday was gone and finished and tomorrow was obscure and out of reach, but they still had _this_ moment, right now, _today_.

o0o END o0o

__

I was forgotten  
Until you called my name  
Lost in the shadows  
Until you shined your light my way

Now I believe again  
In all my dreams again  
I'm wide eyed and innocent  
Those doubting days  
Are so far away and oh

I will fall  
And you will catch me always  
Time has taught me this  
I will fly  
And you'll be there to guide me  
Straight up to my heart's highest wish  
I feel you close to me  
And I know what love is

Now there's no mountain  
Too high for me to climb  
No ocean so wide  
That I could not reach the other side

Now I believe in me  
'Cause you live and breathe in me  
And nothing can come between  
We are one star  
No night can darken, oh

I will fall  
And you will catch me always  
Time has taught me this  
I will fly  
And you'll be there to guide me  
Straight up to my heart's highest wish  
I feel you close to me  
And I know what love is

****

It's an unspoken thing  
A quiet opening  
There's no words that go that deep  
But I know  
I know ****

I will fall  
And you will catch me always  
Time has taught me this  
I will fly  
And you'll be there to guide me  
Straight up to my heart's highest wish  
I feel you close to me  
And I know what love is...__

"I Know What Love Is" by Celine Dion.

Thanks for reading!


End file.
